Hello Friend,

If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.

It will be the most efficient use of your time.

And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.

Thank you for visiting and have a great day!

GF of 4 months broke it off today

Mauser96

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She just texted me responding to the message I sent her. I didn't think she was going to at this point.

"Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry Steven. I just need to be alone right now."

You guys were saying I should've written something like "I understand. Thanks for all the great times and amazing memories these past few months. If you change your mind let me know. Good luck". Should I say that in response now? I feel like I should say something to act like I'm not as affected by this as I am, as well as end it on a better note than my last text
Simply say "When you are ready to date, give me a call. Take care"
 

death_wish. .

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4 months down the f*cking drain. We were texting today and she sent me this:

"Hey.

I have been thinking a lot about us lately, and where our relationship is headed. I'm feeling uncertain about our future, and I don’t think that's a good sign. You're really special and you deserve to be with someone who is ready to give you that relationship you’re looking for.

We are a great match in many ways- you're attractive, funny, and we have fun together. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about this, and I know at this point in my life that it is important to me to have that strong connection with someone. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I just can't deliver that to you right now. I have been waiting for stronger feelings to come because we seemed compatible, but they just haven’t.

I don't want to be in your way and hold you back from you the life you will be living soon with someone who is ready for that, and knowing that's not me I think it is best to free you up. I really really struggled with this decision because I like you and don't want to hurt you. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure it's the right thing. I’m really sorry about it. You have been very sweet to me over the past few months. You can call me to talk if you want to. I am writing this to you because I am very selfish and don’t want to see you hurt. If you do need more closure though, I can talk on the phone. I wish you all the best."

I called her after I got this and we talked for a few minutes. She essentially said that she liked me, felt we had chemistry, and blah blah blah, but she was waiting for feelings to come and they never did. She also said she feels "heartless" or like she doesn't have emotions right now.

A few other things to note:

-The biggest thing... We started dating pretty much immediately after her last relationship, which was a 2-3 year relationship
-She's on lexapro (don't know for how long, but probably since before we met)
-She had a kidney infection the past week and stopped taking her birth control last Wednesday, then just got back on it yesterday or something

All bad signs, I know. BUT her and I had ridiculous chemistry in EVERY way and she was quickly becoming like a best friend as well as someone I was falling for, so I thought we were feeling the same (or close) and it would work. I was wrong. Apparently she never had real feelings for me (even though by her words she wanted them), all the while I'm legitimately falling in love with her. We had both agreed multiple times that we had crazy chemistry, which we also both agreed is extremely hard to find. She would also call me her boyfriend in text messages to friends (I know this because she'd text in front of me).

Per the usual post-breakup I feel absolutely horrendous. This totally took me by surprise. I'm shocked, hurting to a point I can't even describe, and I feel like everything I was looking forward to in the near future has totally crumbled. I'm trying not to think about the good times we had, but I can't help it, and whenever I do it breaks me even further. We were supposed to hangout tomorrow, we were going to take a trip to the beach in two weeks (which I made reservations for), and she told me she would be there for me/with me when I moved (moving to a new place in the same area next month). All gone. All of it plus 4 months of time, memories, and me falling in love with her.

This was one of the 2-3 girls EVER in 10-12 years of dating who I felt honest-to-god STRONG chemistry with. It hits even harder because I feel like I might never find this again. I also hate dating and was really happy to be out of that "game".

I sent her this text after:

"Hey I just wanted to say a few things that are on my mind because you said you feel heartless or like you don't have emotions right now. You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings."

It was from a 98% rational perspective. I really am not sure if it's a good thing she's breaking it off now, or if there was a chance she'd have eventually gotten feelings in the future if we kept seeing each other.

It's all even more confusing, because a few weeks ago I sat down with her and told her if she needed/want space, or to see other people, or just to break it off or whatever--she could, and that she should do it right away. But she didn't want to. Then a few weeks later she does this. Just last weekend she also wanted me to spend the night two nights in a row, which we had never done before. This plus a lot of other things made me think we were getting closer and closer, then she drops this bomb on me today.

The best way I can sum up how I'm feeling is... Hopeless. Completely hopeless. I don't even know what to do or where to go now.
imo she did you a huge favor and i think she has alot of respect for you

you see, the natural progression is for women to lie cheat behind your back with men they ''THINK' are better than you, while keeping you around.
but if she is being honest and telling you that its not going good , this a good sign you wont waste your time or get hurt.
i feel for you my man we all been here. but you will make it through it , maybe you should try no contact? its good for building mental strength. tell her you understand and you appreciate the fact she brought it up and didnt lead on
 

Trojan3000

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Before even commenting on this I had to search and see if anyone said it already, and surely enough, people caught on really quickly. You were a rebound, like few others mentioned. That stuff sucks a lot because a girl chooses a rebound who she knows she can use to get over but won't fall head over heels for or develop feelings for. That imbalance of desires is what makes you latch onto her and feel strongly for her, while in your mind you think it's an equal level of desire. It's essentially the same thing as a guy who is spinning a plate. You don't have feelings for them , and so it creates this dynamic imbalance of desire where they desire you greatly, as you are doing alot of things that 2 lovers would (ie: sex, passion, romance, fun flirty stuff).

What you texted her is going to push her away more, because you are already angled and fit into the Rebound box already. Theres really not much you can do here, unless she finds herself in another situation where she needs a rebound again, and you might be available.. as the goto rebound ****. But the more you make her feel guilty about it, its less likely she'll do anything with you.

Most of my guy friends would say "sleep with her best friends".. but personally, I wouldnt, unless they were hot. I never lower my standards for any reason. But, cheer up man. You'll get over this. It will take a few months but time heals all.
 

TheFinalLine

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She just texted me responding to the message I sent her. I didn't think she was going to at this point.

"Yeah I shouldn't have started dating right away, I need time. I think I thought I was over my ex but honestly I don't think I was. I'm sorry Steven. I just need to be alone right now."

You guys were saying I should've written something like "I understand. Thanks for all the great times and amazing memories these past few months. If you change your mind let me know. Good luck". Should I say that in response now? I feel like I should say something to act like I'm not as affected by this as I am, as well as end it on a better note than my last text
On come on. She told you all of that stuff because she was already banging another man.
It ran its course with you. You caught the feels and it made her uncomfortable. You wanted to dazzle her with your love. Forever.

Four months isn’t bad. The only reason those four months seem like a waste is because you did all the investing. Most of the work. You were after something and worked pretty hard to get it.
 

oldmanofthesea

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but on wednesday I was talking to her about buying her dog this halloween costume I thought was funny. I sent her the amazon link and she said he'd be a medium size. I told her I was buying it and everything was fine. Why would she have me buy this for her dog if she was planning on dumping me the very next day? It just doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense. It seems like she woke up thursday morning and suddenly wanted out. I don't get it.
Listening to all your comments in this thread and others you started, it is clear that you really liked her and were investing heavily in her, buying her things, trying to see her all the time, being the one who kept trying to "make things work." From what you've told us, I'm just not seeing that from her side. She simply wasn't that into you. And yes it does add up - it was your idea to buy her the costume, not hers. What is she going to do, say, "Hey, I'm planning on breaking up with you tomorrow so don't bother buying the dog costume?" There was absolutely nothing sudden about her ejection. She has been trying to eject for months but you haven't allowed her to which only further increased her desire to get out.

Anyways, after that talk we agreed to hangout later the same night. But a little later she texted me saying me confronting her freaked her out and that she needed space. I told her we should talk about it in person because she was going on vacation for a week the next day.
That's a perfect example of what I'm talking about, about you being the one to try to patch things up and plead for her to stay with you. Plus, when a girl says she needs space you do NOT try to patch things up; you take MORE space. Your moving toward her while she is pushing you away is exactly the kind of needy, fearful, and low-value behavior I mentioned in my last post.

Amazingly she agreed
Amazingly? Are you hearing yourself here? Does this sound like a confident guy with options and success with women, who sees women as equal to him or does it sound like a guy who has put this girl on a pedestal and who is hoping and praying that she will continue to see him and try to work things out? You are in the wrong frame my friend. Women can smell it on you.

I went over and we had a great night and I slept over, then saw her off the next morning. Everything seemed perfect after that--totally back to normal.
No. She said she needed space, you didn't give it to her and instead you smothered her and, through your actions and possibly your words too, you pleaded with her to stay with you. For one of many possible reasons, she didn't want to crush you at that moment in time so she agreed to stay together but inside she knew very well she was over you and wanted out and was trying to figure out how she could do it. Things were not perfect and were not back to normal.

You told me that you're on anti-depressants. They can be great, but they also numb your emotions and make you think/feel differently than you otherwise would. Also, you said you stopped taking your birth control last week. I'm sure you already know this, but birth control messes with your hormones and starting/stopping can change the way you feel. On top of those factors, you just had a traumatic experience with that stalker guy and having this kidney infection. And lastly, I honestly don't think you gave "us" enough time. 3 months isn't even long enough to get over your ex of 2-3 years, let alone catch feelings for someone else. If you would have given us longer you might have caught feelings like I did. I'm not trying to change your mind and I respect your decision even though it crushes me, but I just wanted to make you aware of these things if you aren't already, because they may be influencing your feelings."
Here again, you doing the exact thing: Being the one to try to convince her into being with you. Women don't want to be with men that try to convince them into being together; they want to be with men they see as a prize and who they are lucky to be with. They want to be the one to chase the man who could leave at any moment because he has other options and an enjoyable life and she knows he would be just fine if she left. I don't mean to beat you while you are down but this response is just completely cringe. This girl dumps you and you respond by begging her to stay, giving her all these logical reasons about why she can't make up her own mind and make her own decisions, and tossing your dignity aside by making multiple statements of how strong your emotions are toward her.

This was one of the 2-3 girls EVER in 10-12 years of dating who I felt honest-to-god STRONG chemistry with. It hits even harder because I feel like I might never find this again. I also hate dating and was really happy to be out of that "game".
Fear. Scarcity. Lack of confidence. Lack of options. And personal issues that cause you to develop a once-in-ten-years STRONG chemistry with a girl who just isn't that into you. And beyond that, what was so great about this girl? You haven't really ever shared that - others have asked you that question in your other threads. Be honest with yourself because if you aren't, it's only going to prolong your suffering. I feel like from your responses, you are refusing to really listen to much of the advice you are given because accepting the truth is harder than just sitting there and looking externally for answers rather than internally and accepting that you have work to do and getting started on that. My strong intuition, based on very similar personal experiences I have had in the past, is that the reason you are so hooked on this girl comes down to the following three things alone:
1. Strong physical attraction. You found her to be really physically hot. There are other hot girls out there, my friend.
2. Cat string theory. Many people want what they can't have. We all want high-value. Taking something away makes it higher value.
3. Lack of confidence and self-respect, the degree of which you likely aren't yet aware of and won't be able to comprehend until you are on the other side of it and looking back with perspective. This causes the scarcity mindset you have.

You should enjoy dating. You should know that you will easily find attractive women to date. You should not be craving a relationship, but rather a happy enjoyable life filled with friends, hobbies, and sex. If a relationship evolves out of the sex, great, if not, great.

At this point I WANT her to know that I'm in love with her. And I want her to realize, down the line, IF she ever "comes to her senses" emotionally, that she had a great catch who was in love with her and she threw him back for essentially no reason
Your logic here is flawed. In your current state, you are not a great catch, you have proven this to her, and she threw you away for that exact reason. When she looks back at you, she will remember a nice, but needy, smothering, low-value guy who was clearly punching above his weight and it just took her a while to figure that out and get bored. She will never be sad. Instead, she will find a high-value guy who makes her wet and who she feels lucky to have caught, who doesn't beg her to stick around and make things work while she mistreats him and doesn't invest in him. Instead, she will be doing most of the investing. And she will look back at you and compare you to him and she will know she made the right decision. If he dumps her, she won't think of you, she will be on to the next high-value man who makes her feel the way the guy who dumped her did. There is a tiny chance that, if dumped, she will come back to you to see if her memory of you is accurate, but after maybe a hook up or two, it will all come flooding back and she will remember why she dumped you, then will go cold on you and leave you with a second bullet hole in your pride and self respect.

It's all even more confusing, because a few weeks ago I sat down with her and told her if she needed/want space, or to see other people, or just to break it off or whatever--she could, and that she should do it right away. But she didn't want to.
That's because your giving her the out was a strong and non-needy behavior, possibly the only time you ever demonstrated this to her, and guess what? It worked didn't it? You should have demonstrated this earlier and often. Walking away from a woman is the most powerful tool you have because it demonstrates you are not needy, you have self-respect and expect to be treated a certain way, and that you aren't willing to invest in someone who doesn't invest in you. When she crossed your boundaries, instead of pulling back, taking space, and withdrawing, you sat with insomnia by the phone hoping and praying she would respond to your text and when you did you rushed to her side to try to patch things up. Brother, this is fear, neediness, clingy, and not what a healthy relationship is about.
 

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oldmanofthesea

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Again:
You should enjoy dating. You should know that you will easily find attractive women to date. You should not be craving a relationship, but rather a happy enjoyable life filled with friends, hobbies, and sex. If a relationship evolves out of the sex, great, if not, great.


You can do one of two things with this information:
1. Cherry pick a point or two you think might not be accurate, then argue against that while completely ignoring or dismissing the rest.
2. Take a long hard look at what has been said, understand that it is coming from people who have lived through the exact same things you have, and who have learned their lessons and are trying to impart wisdom to you to help you, a fellow man, avoid the same amount of needless pain and suffering we went through. Then really accept what is being said, about yourself, and then begin working on determining how you will take action to evolve as a man in order to avoid this from happening again. If this is what you decide to do, you will have questions along the way and we would be happy to answer them. You need to make an action plan.

From what I have seen from your responses here and in your other threads, you will likely go for option #1. I would say 80% of the men who first come here fall into that pattern so you are certainly not alone. But the information here is the key to unlocking a truly happy and fulfilled life. It is waiting here for you when and if you decide you are ready.

A guy who is making the mistakes you are needs to develop some arrogance and entitlement. When taken to the extreme, those are not positive qualities in a person but because you are demonstrating such a lack of confidence and pedestalizing women, if you work to develop some arrogance and entitlement, it will actually bring you to a normal state instead of the deficient state you are in today. You need to see yourself as the prize, not the woman, and know you are entitled to be treated the way you want, and have no fear of loss if things don't work out.
 

TheFinalLine

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Needing space = I already have A new lover or have a prospect for a new lover

It never means anything else.

When a woman says this you don’t just give her space, you give her the rest of her life, minus you.
 
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dude99

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What about "it's ok Sarah. I understand" then I delete her number?
Let me give you an example. I too have been in this same situation where the girl pulled the "i need time. Its not yo
I sat her down and had that talk a few weeks ago after this happened. She had posted a sexually charged pic and vid on her Snapchat story, then she told me she was babysitting Friday but I saw snap story videos of her having a party at her apartment which she didn't tell me about or invite me to. I confronted her in person the next day and we sat down and talked. She said contradictory things... She said she was hesitant to introduce me to friends and etc because she wasn't sure how serious I was, and that I didn't "text her like a boyfriend", but also said she felt like her "heart was closed". This is also when I gave her the "out" (I didn't want her to take it, but I did give it to her). A couple weeks later she introduced me to her friends though. Looking back now, it's like she was talking in circles during that conversation. Anyways, after that talk we agreed to hangout later the same night. But a little later she texted me saying me confronting her freaked her out and that she needed space. I told her we should talk about it in person because she was going on vacation for a week the next day. Amazingly she agreed. I went over and we had a great night and I slept over, then saw her off the next morning. Everything seemed perfect after that--totally back to normal. Then she got this kidney infected last week and was really sick (but we still hungout and like I said I spent the night with her two nights in a row last weekend because she wanted me to), then a week later she dumps me.

Also when we talked that day she told me that she did babysit, but afterwards her girlfriend wanted to hangout. They hungout and other people got invited, which turned it into a party. She also texted me "hey" that night. I responded saying hey back and she never responded after that. I asked her about it and she said she was going to invite me, but decided against it because she didn't think I'd have a good time since everyone was drinking and I don't really drink. I'm not making excuses for her here--that WAS sketchy. But after our talk everything was great. She also didn't post any promiscuous pics after that talk. And like I said a couple weeks later she actually introduced me to her best friends.

She says she had been thinking about it for a while, but on wednesday I was talking to her about buying her dog this halloween costume I thought was funny. I sent her the amazon link and she said he'd be a medium size. I told her I was buying it and everything was fine. Why would she have me buy this for her dog if she was planning on dumping me the very next day? It just doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense. It seems like she woke up thursday morning and suddenly wanted out. I don't get it.
When you catch them in lies you terminate the relationship immediately. She didnt invite you to her party because she wanted to party with other guys.

She wanted the attention and probably to have sex with other guys. You were in the way. End of story.
 

AwlaysFukedUp

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Listening to all your comments in this thread and others you started, it is clear that you really liked her and were investing heavily in her, buying her things, trying to see her all the time, being the one who kept trying to "make things work." From what you've told us, I'm just not seeing that from her side. She simply wasn't that into you. And yes it does add up - it was your idea to buy her the costume, not hers. What is she going to do, say, "Hey, I'm planning on breaking up with you tomorrow so don't bother buying the dog costume?" There was absolutely nothing sudden about her ejection. She has been trying to eject for months but you haven't allowed her to which only further increased her desire to get out.



That's a perfect example of what I'm talking about, about you being the one to try to patch things up and plead for her to stay with you. Plus, when a girl says she needs space you do NOT try to patch things up; you take MORE space. Your moving toward her while she is pushing you away is exactly the kind of needy, fearful, and low-value behavior I mentioned in my last post.



Amazingly? Are you hearing yourself here? Does this sound like a confident guy with options and success with women, who sees women as equal to him or does it sound like a guy who has put this girl on a pedestal and who is hoping and praying that she will continue to see him and try to work things out? You are in the wrong frame my friend. Women can smell it on you.



No. She said she needed space, you didn't give it to her and instead you smothered her and, through your actions and possibly your words too, you pleaded with her to stay with you. For one of many possible reasons, she didn't want to crush you at that moment in time so she agreed to stay together but inside she knew very well she was over you and wanted out and was trying to figure out how she could do it. Things were not perfect and were not back to normal.



Here again, you doing the exact thing: Being the one to try to convince her into being with you. Women don't want to be with men that try to convince them into being together; they want to be with men they see as a prize and who they are lucky to be with. They want to be the one to chase the man who could leave at any moment because he has other options and an enjoyable life and she knows he would be just fine if she left. I don't mean to beat you while you are down but this response is just completely cringe. This girl dumps you and you respond by begging her to stay, giving her all these logical reasons about why she can't make up her own mind and make her own decisions, and tossing your dignity aside by making multiple statements of how strong your emotions are toward her.



Fear. Scarcity. Lack of confidence. Lack of options. And personal issues that cause you to develop a once-in-ten-years STRONG chemistry with a girl who just isn't that into you. And beyond that, what was so great about this girl? You haven't really ever shared that - others have asked you that question in your other threads. Be honest with yourself because if you aren't, it's only going to prolong your suffering. I feel like from your responses, you are refusing to really listen to much of the advice you are given because accepting the truth is harder than just sitting there and looking externally for answers rather than internally and accepting that you have work to do and getting started on that. My strong intuition, based on very similar personal experiences I have had in the past, is that the reason you are so hooked on this girl comes down to the following three things alone:
1. Strong physical attraction. You found her to be really physically hot. There are other hot girls out there, my friend.
2. Cat string theory. Many people want what they can't have. We all want high-value. Taking something away makes it higher value.
3. Lack of confidence and self-respect, the degree of which you likely aren't yet aware of and won't be able to comprehend until you are on the other side of it and looking back with perspective. This causes the scarcity mindset you have.

You should enjoy dating. You should know that you will easily find attractive women to date. You should not be craving a relationship, but rather a happy enjoyable life filled with friends, hobbies, and sex. If a relationship evolves out of the sex, great, if not, great.



Your logic here is flawed. In your current state, you are not a great catch, you have proven this to her, and she threw you away for that exact reason. When she looks back at you, she will remember a nice, but needy, smothering, low-value guy who was clearly punching above his weight and it just took her a while to figure that out and get bored. She will never be sad. Instead, she will find a high-value guy who makes her wet and who she feels lucky to have caught, who doesn't beg her to stick around and make things work while she mistreats him and doesn't invest in him. Instead, she will be doing most of the investing. And she will look back at you and compare you to him and she will know she made the right decision. If he dumps her, she won't think of you, she will be on to the next high-value man who makes her feel the way the guy who dumped her did. There is a tiny chance that, if dumped, she will come back to you to see if her memory of you is accurate, but after maybe a hook up or two, it will all come flooding back and she will remember why she dumped you, then will go cold on you and leave you with a second bullet hole in your pride and self respect.



That's because your giving her the out was a strong and non-needy behavior, possibly the only time you ever demonstrated this to her, and guess what? It worked didn't it? You should have demonstrated this earlier and often. Walking away from a woman is the most powerful tool you have because it demonstrates you are not needy, you have self-respect and expect to be treated a certain way, and that you aren't willing to invest in someone who doesn't invest in you. When she crossed your boundaries, instead of pulling back, taking space, and withdrawing, you sat with insomnia by the phone hoping and praying she would respond to your text and when you did you rushed to her side to try to patch things up. Brother, this is fear, neediness, clingy, and not what a healthy relationship is about.
I had options before we went exclusive. I had a f*ck buddy, was on my way to a second f*ck buddy, had just had a good first date with a third girl, talking to others, and I was also seeing the girl in the OP. When we went exclusive I deleted my dating apps and didn't contact the women I was talking to anymore. Her and I had incredible and rare chemistry, in every way, and I wanted to move to something less shallow because of it. You're essentially telling me I should never let my guard down, never let anyone in, never accommodate anyone, not show them I care, and not let myself fall in love. I wanted to fall in love. I wanted this to work. I didn't want to feel this pain, but I didn't see it coming.

She would do things for me. She would regularly cook for me, pay for half the meals we ate out, she bought and brought me back a souvenir from her vacation, etc. And of course we were having sex every time we hungout. She treated me like her boyfriend, that's why I treated her like my girlfriend.

Scarcity... I've had a lot of success in dating if you measure success by dates and sex. I lost count of my lays when I got to 35, and that was in my early/mid twenties (30 now). While this girl is very physically attractive, she was NOT the MOST physically attractive girl I've ever been with or even the best in bed. All that was great with her, but it wasn't the best--I wasn't hooked on her because of the physical or sexual. I don't even feel like I've lost a "hot chick who was a good lay". I feel like I lost someone who I felt a deep emotional connection with. Obviously this was more one-sided that I thought, but still.

The reason I have only felt this kind of connection with 1-2 other women isn't because of a lack of options/dating/sex, it's because I almost never feel this kind of chemistry and catch feelings. It's extremely rare for me.

Also, she said she needed space because she was freaked out about me surprising her in person to talk. If I hadn't done that and had been cooler that day she probably would never have said that. On top of that, she didn't even need space. She went on vacation the next day for a week but texted and sent me pics every single day until she got back, and she wanted to hangout the same day she got back.

I really don't have the energy to keep typing right now. I can barely sleep and barely eat. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm having spontaneous depressive and panic attack where it's hard to breath. I feel like I'm dying inside.
 

CBear

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I had options before we went exclusive. I had a f*ck buddy, was on my way to a second f*ck buddy, had just had a good first date with a third girl, talking to others, and I was also seeing the girl in the OP. When we went exclusive I deleted my dating apps and didn't contact the women I was talking to anymore. Her and I had incredible and rare chemistry, in every way, and I wanted to move to something less shallow because of it. You're essentially telling me I should never let my guard down, never let anyone in, never accommodate anyone, not show them I care, and not let myself fall in love. I wanted to fall in love. I wanted this to work. I didn't want to feel this pain, but I didn't see it coming.

She would do things for me. She would regularly cook for me, pay for half the meals we ate out, she bought and brought me back a souvenir from her vacation, etc. And of course we were having sex every time we hungout. She treated me like her boyfriend, that's why I treated her like my girlfriend.

Scarcity... I've had a lot of success in dating if you measure success by dates and sex. I lost count of my lays when I got to 35, and that was in my early/mid twenties (30 now). While this girl is very physically attractive, she was NOT the MOST physically attractive girl I've ever been with or even the best in bed. All that was great with her, but it wasn't the best--I wasn't hooked on her because of the physical or sexual. I don't even feel like I've lost a "hot chick who was a good lay". I feel like I lost someone who I felt a deep emotional connection with. Obviously this was more one-sided that I thought, but still.

The reason I have only felt this kind of connection with 1-2 other women isn't because of a lack of options/dating/sex, it's because I almost never feel this kind of chemistry and catch feelings. It's extremely rare for me.

Also, she said she needed space because she was freaked out about me surprising her in person to talk. If I hadn't done that and had been cooler that day she probably would never have said that. On top of that, she didn't even need space. She went on vacation the next day for a week but texted and sent me pics every single day until she got back, and she wanted to hangout the same day she got back.

I really don't have the energy to keep typing right now. I can barely sleep and barely eat. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm having spontaneous depressive and panic attack where it's hard to breath. I feel like I'm dying inside.
Stop trying to prove anything. Most guys who have a high count are miserable themselves and crave a real relationship, unfortunately. Maintaining a relationship with someone who's good for you and won't dump you is the real test anyways. You fell in love with someone who was never going to love you and everyone saw this but you. So you have a lot of work to do.
 

oldmanofthesea

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You're essentially telling me I should never let my guard down, never let anyone in, never accommodate anyone, not show them I care, and not let myself fall in love.
Not, definitely not what I am saying. What you are doing by saying that is changing the narrative from neediness, to true love and romance. All the examples I referenced above of you chasing after her, falling hard and fast for her, accepting bad behavior, and trying to talk her into staying with you..... that isn't love and letting women in and letting your guard down or not showing them you care. It's simply needy behavior, the kind that drives women away. You keep trying to rationalize it away. Why? Will ignoring advice and rationalizing it away help you in your current and future situation? They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. So what will you do differently next time, since you seem to think you did most everything right here?

I wanted to fall in love.
You need to get out of that mindset. I know it sounds strange now but you still have this fairy-tale version of love that simply doesn't exist. Love doesn't generally happen in 4 months time. True love takes a long time.... to really get to know the person, and how they treat you, and who they are. People can hide who they are for a while, but in time their true colors show through.

As a man, your focus should not be falling in love. That is feminine. Your focus, again, should be having a great and fun life filled with friends and interests that you enjoy that keep you busy, and some sex with women is the cherry on top of that cake. If something works out with one of those women and SHE tries to lock you down, then you can decide, but you should be the one stalling that and thinking about whether it is what you want, not her.

I can barely sleep and barely eat. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm having spontaneous depressive and panic attack where it's hard to breath. I feel like I'm dying inside.
The longer you chase after what you believe is love, the longer it will keep running away from you. The fact that you are THIS distraught over a 4 month thing ending shows that you have work to do. When you let your emotions take you over and become so wrapped up in another person like this, ESPECIALLY after just a couple months, you are 10000% setting yourself up for exactly what you just experienced. Rarely do things work out between two people. That's just how it is and I know you know that. And you don't have full control over the result of the relationship. At ANY time the girl can decide to pull the plug. And where does that leave you after you have allowed your emotions to run out of control like a runaway freight train? It leaves you where you are now, feeling like you are dying inside.

So yes, DO advise you not to let your guard down early-on in dating. I'm 9 months into dating my current GF and I still rarely let my guard down, but I do it very selectively and only to reward good behavior on her part. You must protect your heart, and not give it up so easily. Your attitude for the first 6-12 months of dating should be, "Let's see what you have for me.... I'm watching you closely with a suspicious eye and I AM willing to eject."

I'm sorry this happened to you brother, I have been there. A year after my divorce (my wife left me), I wasn't really into any of the girls I dated in that year. Then I met one who I felt a real connection with. Like your ex, she was recently out of a relationship, though in her case it was a 15 year abusive marriage. She made me believe I was the best man she had ever met, dated, slept with and love-bombed me hard. I was blue-pilled and believed it. She told me she loved me after just one month. I believed it and started saying it back. A month later she dumped me out of the blue (there were signs but I wasn't wise enough to recognize them back then) with no real good explanation and I was devastated. It was almost worse than my divorce. It took my pathetic self two years to get over her fully, after just a two month long "relationship." That's just fvcking RIDICULOUS and I cringe at even sharing this story but I do so to show you that you are not alone and we have gone through similar experiences!!! Girls do things like this. Hell, YOU will probably do things like this to girls too who you date and decide you just aren't into. I don't have these issues any more and there is a reason for that. I listened to advise, did a lot of reading, developed myself, changed my lifestyle, and become what I am today. You can do the same.

Relationships are not a fairy-tale and they are a delicate balancing act. Push and pull. All you did was pull.

Be a man. Pull yourself together. Control your emotions both now in your wounded state, and in the future with women. It hurts, I know, but don't invest so hard so fast again.
 

Alphamonkey

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Well yeah, because I wanted a relationship with her.

But we were actually taking it slow--meaning no labels, and she was fine with that as was I. Then out of nowhere she drops this bomb on me. She said she had been thinking about this for a while, but she wanted me to spend the night with her last weekend two nights in a row. It just makes no sense
It makes total sense. Pushing for a relationship makes you needy. Needy is unattractive. I highly advise you to read "the rational male" from there learn some game and spin plates. You put her on a pedestal. I had same problems when I was younger.
 

Alphamonkey

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Not, definitely not what I am saying. What you are doing by saying that is changing the narrative from neediness, to true love and romance. All the examples I referenced above of you chasing after her, falling hard and fast for her, accepting bad behavior, and trying to talk her into staying with you..... that isn't love and letting women in and letting your guard down or not showing them you care. It's simply needy behavior, the kind that drives women away. You keep trying to rationalize it away. Why? Will ignoring advice and rationalizing it away help you in your current and future situation? They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. So what will you do differently next time, since you seem to think you did most everything right here?



You need to get out of that mindset. I know it sounds strange now but you still have this fairy-tale version of love that simply doesn't exist. Love doesn't generally happen in 4 months time. True love takes a long time.... to really get to know the person, and how they treat you, and who they are. People can hide who they are for a while, but in time their true colors show through.

As a man, your focus should not be falling in love. That is feminine. Your focus, again, should be having a great and fun life filled with friends and interests that you enjoy that keep you busy, and some sex with women is the cherry on top of that cake. If something works out with one of those women and SHE tries to lock you down, then you can decide, but you should be the one stalling that and thinking about whether it is what you want, not her.



The longer you chase after what you believe is love, the longer it will keep running away from you. The fact that you are THIS distraught over a 4 month thing ending shows that you have work to do. When you let your emotions take you over and become so wrapped up in another person like this, ESPECIALLY after just a couple months, you are 10000% setting yourself up for exactly what you just experienced. Rarely do things work out between two people. That's just how it is and I know you know that. And you don't have full control over the result of the relationship. At ANY time the girl can decide to pull the plug. And where does that leave you after you have allowed your emotions to run out of control like a runaway freight train? It leaves you where you are now, feeling like you are dying inside.

So yes, DO advise you not to let your guard down early-on in dating. I'm 9 months into dating my current GF and I still rarely let my guard down, but I do it very selectively and only to reward good behavior on her part. You must protect your heart, and not give it up so easily. Your attitude for the first 6-12 months of dating should be, "Let's see what you have for me.... I'm watching you closely with a suspicious eye and I AM willing to eject."

I'm sorry this happened to you brother, I have been there. A year after my divorce (my wife left me), I wasn't really into any of the girls I dated in that year. Then I met one who I felt a real connection with. Like your ex, she was recently out of a relationship, though in her case it was a 15 year abusive marriage. She made me believe I was the best man she had ever met, dated, slept with and love-bombed me hard. I was blue-pilled and believed it. She told me she loved me after just one month. I believed it and started saying it back. A month later she dumped me out of the blue (there were signs but I wasn't wise enough to recognize them back then) with no real good explanation and I was devastated. It was almost worse than my divorce. It took my pathetic self two years to get over her fully, after just a two month long "relationship." That's just fvcking RIDICULOUS and I cringe at even sharing this story but I do so to show you that you are not alone and we have gone through similar experiences!!! Girls do things like this. Hell, YOU will probably do things like this to girls too who you date and decide you just aren't into. I don't have these issues any more and there is a reason for that. I listened to advise, did a lot of reading, developed myself, changed my lifestyle, and become what I am today. You can do the same.

Relationships are not a fairy-tale and they are a delicate balancing act. Push and pull. All you did was pull.

Be a man. Pull yourself together. Control your emotions both now in your wounded state, and in the future with women. It hurts, I know, but don't invest so hard so fast again.
Well said.
 

AwlaysFukedUp

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Not, definitely not what I am saying. What you are doing by saying that is changing the narrative from neediness, to true love and romance. All the examples I referenced above of you chasing after her, falling hard and fast for her, accepting bad behavior, and trying to talk her into staying with you..... that isn't love and letting women in and letting your guard down or not showing them you care. It's simply needy behavior, the kind that drives women away. You keep trying to rationalize it away. Why? Will ignoring advice and rationalizing it away help you in your current and future situation? They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. So what will you do differently next time, since you seem to think you did most everything right here?



You need to get out of that mindset. I know it sounds strange now but you still have this fairy-tale version of love that simply doesn't exist. Love doesn't generally happen in 4 months time. True love takes a long time.... to really get to know the person, and how they treat you, and who they are. People can hide who they are for a while, but in time their true colors show through.

As a man, your focus should not be falling in love. That is feminine. Your focus, again, should be having a great and fun life filled with friends and interests that you enjoy that keep you busy, and some sex with women is the cherry on top of that cake. If something works out with one of those women and SHE tries to lock you down, then you can decide, but you should be the one stalling that and thinking about whether it is what you want, not her.



The longer you chase after what you believe is love, the longer it will keep running away from you. The fact that you are THIS distraught over a 4 month thing ending shows that you have work to do. When you let your emotions take you over and become so wrapped up in another person like this, ESPECIALLY after just a couple months, you are 10000% setting yourself up for exactly what you just experienced. Rarely do things work out between two people. That's just how it is and I know you know that. And you don't have full control over the result of the relationship. At ANY time the girl can decide to pull the plug. And where does that leave you after you have allowed your emotions to run out of control like a runaway freight train? It leaves you where you are now, feeling like you are dying inside.

So yes, DO advise you not to let your guard down early-on in dating. I'm 9 months into dating my current GF and I still rarely let my guard down, but I do it very selectively and only to reward good behavior on her part. You must protect your heart, and not give it up so easily. Your attitude for the first 6-12 months of dating should be, "Let's see what you have for me.... I'm watching you closely with a suspicious eye and I AM willing to eject."

I'm sorry this happened to you brother, I have been there. A year after my divorce (my wife left me), I wasn't really into any of the girls I dated in that year. Then I met one who I felt a real connection with. Like your ex, she was recently out of a relationship, though in her case it was a 15 year abusive marriage. She made me believe I was the best man she had ever met, dated, slept with and love-bombed me hard. I was blue-pilled and believed it. She told me she loved me after just one month. I believed it and started saying it back. A month later she dumped me out of the blue (there were signs but I wasn't wise enough to recognize them back then) with no real good explanation and I was devastated. It was almost worse than my divorce. It took my pathetic self two years to get over her fully, after just a two month long "relationship." That's just fvcking RIDICULOUS and I cringe at even sharing this story but I do so to show you that you are not alone and we have gone through similar experiences!!! Girls do things like this. Hell, YOU will probably do things like this to girls too who you date and decide you just aren't into. I don't have these issues any more and there is a reason for that. I listened to advise, did a lot of reading, developed myself, changed my lifestyle, and become what I am today. You can do the same.

Relationships are not a fairy-tale and they are a delicate balancing act. Push and pull. All you did was pull.

Be a man. Pull yourself together. Control your emotions both now in your wounded state, and in the future with women. It hurts, I know, but don't invest so hard so fast again.
I agree with everything you've said. The truth? The honest-to-God hurts me to admit truth? Denial. I don't want to accept that this is in any way my fault. I can't. It crushes me further because it makes me feel like I COULD have done something differently and changed the outcome, and the fact that I didn't makes me a failure and makes me hate myself even more than I already have all these years. I do now agree that I was overly invested and reacted as such in some interactions with her, but I just felt like it was ok to do that. As cringey-cheesy as this sounds, I felt like I could trust her with my heart. I never expected her to step on it and throw it on the trash, then to add to that tell me she (essentially) never had feelings for me and imply that everything I felt was completely the opposite of what she felt.

I still believe her being "on the rebound" played a significant part in the direction this ultimately went because it contributes heavily to her emotional unavailability, and that I was an idiot for pursuing a woman JUST out of a relationship so hard, but I do agree with you...
 

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oldmanofthesea

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I'm glad that you are evaluating it now. That is the start to healing and recovery.

Yes, most of us did the same thing when dumped. But what I need to warn you about that is that, while it is good to analyze your actions and learn from it so you can be better next time, it is dangerous to think that things would have worked out with her if you only did X or Y. It is entirely possible that you go back in time and do things differently and she still wouldn't have been interested. So let that fact comfort you in terms of being too hard on yourself about it.

The emotions you feel now should be a motivator for you to do a better job of protecting your heart in the future, and for studying here and reading books, asking questions, etc. You learned a lesson, as we all have, and it will help you evolve into a better, stronger person who isn't hurt so easily.

I remember, after that year after my divorce, when things didn't work out with the girl I told you about, thinking that I would never find someone again. Now I look back and laugh because I am 44 and regularly hooking up with extremely hot 23yo girls, I approach any girl I want and have good interactions, and I have girls sliding into my DMs on social media. That's actually how I met my current GF. I didn't even have to look. This will happen for you as well, as you improve yourself and your situation. But again, I wouldn't look for that to be the end-goal. The goal is to just be happy, busy, have hobbies, have a lot of friends, hang out with girls and hook up with them without wanting anything more from them. If that's all you do the rest of your life, how could that be a bad thing?!?! On the other hand, if a girl tries to lock you down and you think she's worth it, then go ahead. That's the way to live.

You will feel better in time. My strong advice in the state you are in now is force yourself to get an hour of cardio per day. You won't feel like it and it will be hard to do, but force yourself. Then force yourself to accomplish one thing each day that you know you will feel proud of doing afterward. It could be something as dumb as cleaning up your tool bench in your garage or washing and detailing your car. It will be hard to get started but you have to put one foot in front of the other. Man, I remember when my wife left me, I didn't eat for three weeks. Things got better for me and they will get better for you as they do for everyone.
 

AwlaysFukedUp

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I'm glad that you are evaluating it now. That is the start to healing and recovery.

Yes, most of us did the same thing when dumped. But what I need to warn you about that is that, while it is good to analyze your actions and learn from it so you can be better next time, it is dangerous to think that things would have worked out with her if you only did X or Y. It is entirely possible that you go back in time and do things differently and she still wouldn't have been interested. So let that fact comfort you in terms of being too hard on yourself about it.

The emotions you feel now should be a motivator for you to do a better job of protecting your heart in the future, and for studying here and reading books, asking questions, etc. You learned a lesson, as we all have, and it will help you evolve into a better, stronger person who isn't hurt so easily.

I remember, after that year after my divorce, when things didn't work out with the girl I told you about, thinking that I would never find someone again. Now I look back and laugh because I am 44 and regularly hooking up with extremely hot 23yo girls, I approach any girl I want and have good interactions, and I have girls sliding into my DMs on social media. That's actually how I met my current GF. I didn't even have to look. This will happen for you as well, as you improve yourself and your situation. But again, I wouldn't look for that to be the end-goal. The goal is to just be happy, busy, have hobbies, have a lot of friends, hang out with girls and hook up with them without wanting anything more from them. If that's all you do the rest of your life, how could that be a bad thing?!?! On the other hand, if a girl tries to lock you down and you think she's worth it, then go ahead. That's the way to live.

You will feel better in time. My strong advice in the state you are in now is force yourself to get an hour of cardio per day. You won't feel like it and it will be hard to do, but force yourself. Then force yourself to accomplish one thing each day that you know you will feel proud of doing afterward. It could be something as dumb as cleaning up your tool bench in your garage or washing and detailing your car. It will be hard to get started but you have to put one foot in front of the other. Man, I remember when my wife left me, I didn't eat for three weeks. Things got better for me and they will get better for you as they do for everyone.
Thank you man. I just worry that I will keep falling into this trap because I might have a mental issue or something. Maybe I need therapy? Maybe I should be on anti-depressants? Now that I think about it, I've always gravitated more towards women who are mentally unstable/emotionally unavailable, which would signify that something in my brain seeks these people out for whatever reason. But I don't know why
 

mrgoodstuff

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Thank you man. I just worry that I will keep falling into this trap because I might have a mental issue or something. Maybe I need therapy? Maybe I should be on anti-depressants? Now that I think about it, I've always gravitated more towards women who are mentally unstable/emotionally unavailable, which would signify that something in my brain seeks these people out for whatever reason. But I don't know why
Get in the gym. At least 30 mins cardio and some weights. 5 times a week.

See a relationship therepist whose against drugs. Talking thru it can shift your mindstate into a stronger outlook. Right now your psyche is just beat up.
 

AwlaysFukedUp

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What do you all think about me getting back on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Not necessarily to look for a date/hookup immediately, but just to swipe and attempt to connect with other women? I'll admit though that I'm scared I might see her on there and it's going to give me another panic/depressive attack.
 

TheFinalLine

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What do you all think about me getting back on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Not necessarily to look for a date/hookup immediately, but just to swipe and attempt to connect with other women? I'll admit though that I'm scared I might see her on there and it's going to give me another panic/depressive attack.
You’re not even ready for a fat gross woman with sweaty lint under her breasts. What should you be really doing?
 
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