"She Made Her Decision Before You Finished Your Sentence"
Three seconds. That's how long it took. Your shoes. Your posture. The way you held your drink. Whether you looked at the floor or looked at her.
She already filed you away. Interesting. Boring. Safe. Bold. Before you even opened your mouth.
Everything you say after that is just her confirming what she already decided.
So stop rehearsing lines. Fix the first three seconds. Stand tall. Look up. Smile like you mean it. Walk like you belong wherever you're standing.
The words come later. The impression comes first.
Gf dumps me. Wants therapy to deal with issue before she met me.
- Thread starter mrRuckus
- Start date
"Why Women Dump the Guys Who Try the Hardest"
You paid for dinner. You drove. You said "whatever you want is fine" every single time. All the effort, no expectations.
And she left anyway — probably for a guy who makes her pick up the pizza.
Painful. Also predictable. Her mind quietly concludes that anything requiring zero effort from her is worth exactly zero. You became a free sample, and free samples get taken for granted.
The 22 Rules flip the dynamic. Small shifts that get her investing effort, money, and time in you — until SHE'S the one afraid of losing YOU.
I stopped by her place last evening to get my one backpack and cooler she still had from our weekend trip.
I told her basically that I understand that she needs to be alone to take care of herself and that is indeed correct that we shouldn't be dating for both our sakes... and that i admire that she is into improving herself. And I said I would not be around to help her and that my shoulder is unavailable to cry on. She said she doesn't expect that from me at all and thanked me for my understanding. I told her I do not know if we will talk, or hang out again or anything. She wants to keep talking to me and offered to keep coming to my softball games and such as she has all season. I kept my distance from her and she tried being affectionate a few times (touching my face, rubbing my buzzed head, hugging me long and hard when i left...) but i didn't return it except a bit half-assed hug when i left.
Anyway.
We got into talking more about the situation. Here is what she said. Truth or not who knows, but she didn't hesitate at all about it. I told her I didn't know what to believe, and i said basically i'm trying to remove myself from the situation and look at it objectively and am a bit skeptical about some things as some things are fishy when viewed by an outside observer.
What she ended up saying:
April last year, through contacts of hers in the industry she learned about and applied to a position here. Strictly by word of mouth. In the interim, she was attending some sort of conference in i forget where but one of the north east states. This guy was part of team or whatever from my base. They get to talking and she finds out he is stationed at the naval base where she applied for a job. Oh, how exciting. And it's safe to date him since she'd be moving there.
She said he straight up told her that he was married with one kid but is separated from his wife. They date long distance for a while, and she is indeed offered the job in September and she starts in January. There is something in here about him saying he was going to Iraq around Sept but he never did for some reason or another. He is living with his wife now but he says in separate rooms and basically it's for financial reasons and for the kid. He says the wife knows about her.
My state's laws state that you must be separated for one year before you can divorce. He told her after that year was up, he would have finished the divorce then marry her. He talked all the time about how he was going to marry her. She believed him.
He apparently was very interested in her moving here. He came over a few times after she moved. He tells her that his wife is now pregnant and dumps my ex for the sake of his marriage. She is confused because from what he said there was no "marriage!"
She is left like WTF just happened. She says she believed everything he said because he was so upfront about it all from the very second they met. He immediately was admitting his wife and child the day she met him.
She knows she was played the fool, and she realizes lots of women have fallen for this type of thing before. This doesn't comfort her at all. She feels humiliated, untrusting of her own self, and like she lost a piece of herself that makes her great (her words) and she has to find that again before she can be in the type of relationship she wants to be. Sounds gibberishy to me but it's what she said.
Oh and she was sick the past couple days apparently with the illness that i gave her from being sick most of last week (puking... diarrhea...) She showed me a list of therapists' numbers she wrote down.
I don't know what is made up but she had no problems relaying all this to me and answering any questions i had. None of that "derrr uhhh i can explain that" quick-thinking looks. In the end, it doesn't really matter to me what she is bullsh1tting about because I will still have moved on to other chicks either way.
I told her basically that I understand that she needs to be alone to take care of herself and that is indeed correct that we shouldn't be dating for both our sakes... and that i admire that she is into improving herself. And I said I would not be around to help her and that my shoulder is unavailable to cry on. She said she doesn't expect that from me at all and thanked me for my understanding. I told her I do not know if we will talk, or hang out again or anything. She wants to keep talking to me and offered to keep coming to my softball games and such as she has all season. I kept my distance from her and she tried being affectionate a few times (touching my face, rubbing my buzzed head, hugging me long and hard when i left...) but i didn't return it except a bit half-assed hug when i left.
Anyway.
We got into talking more about the situation. Here is what she said. Truth or not who knows, but she didn't hesitate at all about it. I told her I didn't know what to believe, and i said basically i'm trying to remove myself from the situation and look at it objectively and am a bit skeptical about some things as some things are fishy when viewed by an outside observer.
What she ended up saying:
April last year, through contacts of hers in the industry she learned about and applied to a position here. Strictly by word of mouth. In the interim, she was attending some sort of conference in i forget where but one of the north east states. This guy was part of team or whatever from my base. They get to talking and she finds out he is stationed at the naval base where she applied for a job. Oh, how exciting. And it's safe to date him since she'd be moving there.
She said he straight up told her that he was married with one kid but is separated from his wife. They date long distance for a while, and she is indeed offered the job in September and she starts in January. There is something in here about him saying he was going to Iraq around Sept but he never did for some reason or another. He is living with his wife now but he says in separate rooms and basically it's for financial reasons and for the kid. He says the wife knows about her.
My state's laws state that you must be separated for one year before you can divorce. He told her after that year was up, he would have finished the divorce then marry her. He talked all the time about how he was going to marry her. She believed him.
He apparently was very interested in her moving here. He came over a few times after she moved. He tells her that his wife is now pregnant and dumps my ex for the sake of his marriage. She is confused because from what he said there was no "marriage!"
She is left like WTF just happened. She says she believed everything he said because he was so upfront about it all from the very second they met. He immediately was admitting his wife and child the day she met him.
She knows she was played the fool, and she realizes lots of women have fallen for this type of thing before. This doesn't comfort her at all. She feels humiliated, untrusting of her own self, and like she lost a piece of herself that makes her great (her words) and she has to find that again before she can be in the type of relationship she wants to be. Sounds gibberishy to me but it's what she said.
Oh and she was sick the past couple days apparently with the illness that i gave her from being sick most of last week (puking... diarrhea...) She showed me a list of therapists' numbers she wrote down.
I don't know what is made up but she had no problems relaying all this to me and answering any questions i had. None of that "derrr uhhh i can explain that" quick-thinking looks. In the end, it doesn't really matter to me what she is bullsh1tting about because I will still have moved on to other chicks either way.
Dude i don't know exactly which aircraft she works with. I just gave examples of the names of planes I hear around here and I know she's worked on at least one of the F-18, F-22, and F-16. I said "aircraft like F16s and F18s." I don't even know the diff between these. I don't work on aircraft. She is working 3-4 projects now, at least one of which is a UAV (unmanned aerial vehicle) helicopter. I'm not going to list which contractors she has worked for, but the one she is at now it's *almost* directly working as a government employee (not sure of the details) and she WILL be hired directly by the government in December guaranteed.Latinoman said:
I'm not going to say her actual position either, but it's no maintenance position and it's not directly developing the aircraft in terms of engineering or software. There are very few people in her speciality, she attended one of the top aeronautic schools in the nation, and as she gets experienced she'll easily be able to become a private consultant and rake in the dough.
I'm personally involved in several projects like this as well all tied up in the government acquisition lifecycles and i am a federal employee and work with plenty of contractors.
As far as homewrecker, her mom at first only knew that the guy was married. She had no idea the guy had supposedly left this wife and was divorcing her. She apologized and backed off once she got the full story.
You sound like you skimmed. You guys are so used to intently looking for things to nitpick and criticize from the avalanche of newly awakened afcs that you skim through sh1t and just leap to conclusions and start firing away.ketostix said:
I specifically told her I have no intention of being the one she can come talk to about this. All I've done is hear out her story out of my own curiosity. I'm not trying to save her. I wished her luck in therapy and went on my way.
I had a girl over Tuesday night for chrissakes.
There is no offense to be taken because I am not all one-itised up. If anything now i'm just taking in the drama as i do care for her and regret things aren't different because i think it could've grew into more. And if one-itis is "being sad that a girl i like dumped me" then sure, but i doubt that's what your definition of it is.
Truthfully, i care for her, but if she's dumped me, then i really don't care THAT much and don't give nearly enough of a sh1t to "save a ho" her. I'm not exactly fond of people who think they can dump me. I don't even talk to ANY of my exes. Sh1t, i don't know how to explain it. I care for a lot of my friends, but not all would i go completely out of my way for. I directly told this girl yesterday that since we are not together anymore then my #1 priority is me and meeting my needs, which is why i was telling her i had no idea if we'd keep in touch and she sullenly just said "ok we'll play it by ear then."
Let's keep this clear: I don't love her. She is obviously not desirable for me to date anymore. I made a few mistakes by overlooking a couple things and not realizing just how serious they were. I am onto other girls.
What MORE do you want? Is that not what is preached here? Learn your lessons and improve yourself and keep your head held high. I still respect me; she still respects me. I am richer for the experience. Back to spinning the plates up... Oh, and in the end I define MY OWN PATH. I don't care if the rest of you fvck 10 hot chicks at once. That is not in the end that i want. It's nice and all but not my overall goal.
I also don't want a threesome and don't think that lesbians are hot. Chew on that and debate whether i'm allowed in the man club.
Thank you, but i don't really have a decision to make.Latinoman said:
I don't know why this is being missed.
I am not debating at all whether I would get back with this girl. I will not.
The only thing i am unsure of is to what level she can remain in my life and at what time this is permissable. Ignore her completely and forever? Pal around with her? Take her out with me to the bar as social proof? Who knows? In the end i might not give a sh1t whatsoever in a few weeks because i'm wrapped up in doing other stuff and another chick or two.
I saw her yesterday and i wasn't agonizing on the inside wishing to jump into her arms.
ketostix said:
Guys, some of the women I work with are just as sharp if not sharper than the men.
Somehow we manage to keep the planes in the air; military airspace over the u.s. safe, controlled, and monitored; and aircraft carriers afloat even with the little women filing their fingernails all day and just looking pretty.
I'll go with stupid from Latinoman's choices, though. Even intelligent people make really stupid ass decisions regarding relationships.
MacAvoy
Banned
mrRuckus said:
You make me proud!
“The 22 Rules That Flip the Script With Women… And How You Can Use Them Tonight”
Most guys accidentally kill attraction before they even speak. They assume they need a bigger bank account, a better physique, or smoother lines. They miss the point.
Female desire operates on a specific set of psychological triggers. Break them, and you're invisible. Follow them, and you become magnetic.
I learned this the hard way. Years of freezing up. Getting friend-zoned. Watching other guys walk away with the girl I wanted. Then I discovered a set of 22 simple rules that rewired my entire approach.
Mr. Ruckus, she is probably telling the truth. No doubt she applied VERY BAD judgment. She obviously did not have a lot of options as she choose a long distance relationship with a man that was still married and living with his "wife".
People make mistakes and many women fall for that crap. So, I will give her the benefit of the doubt just for argument sake. Still, it shows she was not as "smart" and with a deck full of "options" as you believe.
But, regardless, let be honest with ourselves...she is damage goods right now (of course she will get better with time). She is doing the right thing trying to get her life together and by dumping you, she is actually doing a very mature thing as she does not want to drag you to this crap.
At least she was honest with you.
Note: Thanks for clarifying the airplane thing. If you are a Fed and dealing with contracts, etc. Then you know better already.
Take care!
People make mistakes and many women fall for that crap. So, I will give her the benefit of the doubt just for argument sake. Still, it shows she was not as "smart" and with a deck full of "options" as you believe.
But, regardless, let be honest with ourselves...she is damage goods right now (of course she will get better with time). She is doing the right thing trying to get her life together and by dumping you, she is actually doing a very mature thing as she does not want to drag you to this crap.
At least she was honest with you.
Note: Thanks for clarifying the airplane thing. If you are a Fed and dealing with contracts, etc. Then you know better already.
Take care!
Lol. I just got off the phone with the ex.
I hadn't heard anything since Wednesday and i didn't contact her or anything.
But 10 minutes ago she called me, started bullsh1tting like nothing ever happened asking about my day and such and then says "I'm calling to invite you to the air show on Sunday. A bunch of my friends from school will be there, and I want to teach you about planes."
I told her I would have to let her know.
Nothing to do with anything really, but I then texted a female friend of mine that the ex invited me and she responds, "that is whack! What does she want?! I am confused."
I wasn't expecting this. She still wants me to meet more of her friends?! WTF is this? Pseudo-boyfriend with no sex? Swell.
If you're not fvcking her, you're her girlfriend?
Hmm.
Now i just got an image comment from her on myspace... geez.
I hadn't heard anything since Wednesday and i didn't contact her or anything.
But 10 minutes ago she called me, started bullsh1tting like nothing ever happened asking about my day and such and then says "I'm calling to invite you to the air show on Sunday. A bunch of my friends from school will be there, and I want to teach you about planes."
I told her I would have to let her know.
Nothing to do with anything really, but I then texted a female friend of mine that the ex invited me and she responds, "that is whack! What does she want?! I am confused."
I wasn't expecting this. She still wants me to meet more of her friends?! WTF is this? Pseudo-boyfriend with no sex? Swell.
If you're not fvcking her, you're her girlfriend?
Hmm.
Now i just got an image comment from her on myspace... geez.
frivolousz21
Master Don Juan
please cut off all contact with her, forget she exists and move on.mrRuckus said:
have a great weekend.
"She Laughed All Night. Then She Ghosted You. Here's Why."
Dinner ran three hours. She laughed at everything. You walked her to her car thinking this one's locked in.
Then: nothing. Two texts. No reply. What happened?
You did what most men do on a great date. You filled every silence, answered every question, and left her with nothing to wonder about. No mystery. Nothing to sit with when she got home.
Rule 3 of the "22 Rules" changes the ending: tell her a little, hold back the rest, and let her imagination do the chasing. The ghosting stops too.
Dont go. Sounds like shes realizing how much you mean to her and she wants you back in her life. Without sex. If you ever want to sleep with her again you can not compromise yourself for her. You will lose her respect, and as we all know.. its down hill from there.
mrRuckus said:
this is soooo predictable. if you don't go no contact with her, your once serene life will turn to chaos. you have no idea what you are involved with here. You won't be able to be platonic with her, and if you get back together, you will feel like a Yo-Yo. I can spot these situations from a mile away. I just am reluctant to call a spade a spade because people around here are so sensitive about labeling someone.
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mrRuckus said:
To quote The Zombies, "Tell her NO". Better yet make plans with your female friend for lunch and let your "ex" know that you are spending that day with another girl. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Don't let her. Cheers!
cordoncordon
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2006
- Messages
- 2,889
- Reaction score
- 109
Don't go. In situations like this, things become much clearer if you just reverse the situation. Pretend that you had dumped her, and then you invited her to an auto show and she said yes. What would you think of her? Would you have any respect for her? Would you know that you could do whatever you wanted and she would still come running back? Would your interest in her decrease or increase?
Now pretend that she said no to your request. Would your interest in her increase or decrease? Remember, we always want what we can't have.
I think you know the answers to these questions. It's nice to get the attention and to know that she still has interest on some level, but in the long run no contact is the way to go.
BTW I was going to chime in about her reasons for dumping you. IMO it is total and complete BS. I won't go into details but the exact same situation happened to someone very close to me (where a person said they needed space to work on themselves and their mental issues because they were no good the way they were). Guess what, that person was dating and in love 3 weeks later.
Don't believe a word she says. My feeling is if I am having problems in life with whatever, I want TO BE CLOSE to the ones I love, to know they are there for me and no matter how bad things may be in my life, I know I have them to lean on and that they are there for me when I come home. That is a comforting feeling. A person with high interest wont run away from that feeling and make things worse. Nope. For whatever reason she has decided to break it off, but for sure don't fall into her games.
BTW you have a PM.
Now pretend that she said no to your request. Would your interest in her increase or decrease? Remember, we always want what we can't have.
I think you know the answers to these questions. It's nice to get the attention and to know that she still has interest on some level, but in the long run no contact is the way to go.
BTW I was going to chime in about her reasons for dumping you. IMO it is total and complete BS. I won't go into details but the exact same situation happened to someone very close to me (where a person said they needed space to work on themselves and their mental issues because they were no good the way they were). Guess what, that person was dating and in love 3 weeks later.
Don't believe a word she says. My feeling is if I am having problems in life with whatever, I want TO BE CLOSE to the ones I love, to know they are there for me and no matter how bad things may be in my life, I know I have them to lean on and that they are there for me when I come home. That is a comforting feeling. A person with high interest wont run away from that feeling and make things worse. Nope. For whatever reason she has decided to break it off, but for sure don't fall into her games.
BTW you have a PM.
"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"
Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."
You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.
She's been waiting forty minutes.
Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.
jophil28
Master Don Juan
Not me - go hard with those labels. The limp lefties here who do not believe in defined ethics or morals are probably the ones to whom you are refering.persistent exaction said:
The "relativists" and the "pragmatists" would have us construct a world of personal convenience and situational expedience sans those pesky and restrictive rules .
Bring on that Label Machine !
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