Gf dumps me. Wants therapy to deal with issue before she met me.

[Max Power]

Pulling out your hair is NOT like biting your nails. It's categorized by therapists as "self harm" and is often associated with very severe personality disorders. .

My understanding is the disorder is an OCD and the medical community is divided on whether it's harmful or benign or what the cause of it is. I could be wrong. Have you studied this or are in the field?

 

[mrRuckus]

Pulling out your hair is NOT like biting your nails. It's categorized by therapists as "self harm" and is often associated with very severe personality disorders. Now we find out she has a too involved, over protective mother, and "daddy" issues. Likely either a physically or emotionally absent father. Emotionally healthy women, as a rule, don't get involved with married men. The more you reveal about her, the more we are going to believe you actually dodged a bullet here. This is actually a troubled woman who does really need to work on her issues Alone.

As for being "totally into you"...have you ever seen a movie where a female character is totally into a male character? And it's So convincing it seemed "real". Guess what. That does not just happen in the movies. You didn't know this woman. You knew what she wanted you to know. My hunch is that she is still in contact (email, phone, im?) with the married X. What are the odds that she would be transferred, from St. Louis, to the same city where the X is working?

I didn't mean that it was as simple as nail biting. I just mean in how it becomes habit forming and something you do without thinking. It's triggered more at times in her life that are more anxious. She went to therapy and they helped her control the urge and she hasn't done it in 6 months, but still she does feel like she wants to do it sometimes, but no where near the level she did before and she has certain ways of coping with it.

It's a problem but not some huge psychological crazy lady thing.

I really don't think she's in contact with him. We use each others phones all the time and she doesn't hide anything. Many women tell me they would have told the ex's wife about the affair, but this girl is rational and says it would fix nothing and just cause drama and she'd rather just put it all behind her and forget about him. I don't think she's stupid enough to stay involved with him like that. She's always acted completely averse to the guy at this point. He fvcking showed up, had sex with her, then dumped her like her second night in town. She'd have to be quite pathetic to want to keep talking to that guy. And even if she wanted to talk to him, wwould the guy be stupid enough to risk being caught by his wife and everything else by staying in touch with her? He went out of his way to avoid that by dumping her.

She MAY be in contact with him but i highly doubt it. She doesn't use IM either and all of 3 people ever call or text her.

When she said "I could SO fall in love with you", your heart gets ahead of your brain. That's no different than saying she loves you. Your brain won't distinguish.

I did distinguish at the time. We both know the difference. I went out of my way not to say that back to her but she repeated it and acknowledges that she wasn't all the way there yet.

However right now she is broken

These are her exact words. "I am broken." I tried to be like you're not broken, everyone has problems, you're young and learn from them, but she was like "no, i'm broken" and "you think i'm an awesome girlfriend now, just wait until i'm fixed." heh...

She needs time right now to heal herself. I think you being in the picture will only confuse it because of her issues with the ex that mistreated her. She needs to make a clean break from both of you so she can deal with this. If you truly care about her, you will want her to get better. You will give her the room to take care of herself.

Being the support friend won't work because there are other emotions at play and they will cloud the issue. Do the right thing and give her some space. Explain to her completely how you feel about her and what you are doing but make the break. Then if you want look in on her in 6 months and see how's she's doing. You can also tell her to look you up when she feels she's all better but your not going to wait around. You have a life to live and it wouldn't be healthy for you to not live your life either.

That's pretty much what I told her. I didn't say i was going to be around to talk to all the time or anything. I was very careful about what i said. I personally hate Dr. Phil and she knows it and she jokingly said to me "you sound like Dr. Phil. You're being so thoughtful about your responses."

She asked me if it was okay to still talk to me sometimes. I said I really wasn't sure at this point, but it wasn't out of the realm of possibility. She genuinely acts like it sucks that i can go off now and fvck chicks and do what i want and she may lose me completely and forever, but she says she's willing to accept that to better herself because there's no way the relationship would last if she doesn't do this anyway. She said she HAD to do this alone so her focus is where it should be rather than worrying about me and my feelings and wanting to always take care of me. Who knows if it's really true. I'm just relaying what she said.

I still have no plans on being with her now or in the future. Who the hell knows a few months from now, but i'm not going to hold my breath or wait around.



Someone said something about daddy issues. I don't really think there are issues with him beyond normal parental issues that everyone has. She's just not as close to him as her mom and brother, but she told me lots of stories about things they did together when she was little like how now her favorite food is pancakes cause her dad used to make them into shapes and stuff for her.

Nail biting is not really a good thing either. Indicates abnormal levels of anxiety or maybe generalised anxiety disorder. Oh, but that's you though.

Yeah you got me. A hell of a lot of people must have generalized anxiety disorder then. Seems to me like a crapload of people bite their nails to some level.

Good luck brother your going to need it. Your also going to need a lot of strength and will power. I'm here to support you and I'm sure others are too. Even the guys telling you to run have your best interests at heart, even though they are looking at only one aspect.

Thanks.

 

[lookyoung]

If I were you I would not attach myself emotionally with this woman. I know about girls with mental disorders first hand.

They will make your life miserable.

They will be on some type of antidepressant which kills there sex drive.

They could never be a good GF to you even though it may appear that way.

She will bring you down because of her issues.



You may even help her through these tough times and when she gets bette she may decide to not want to be with you.

My advice would be that there are too many complications in this relationship. Find a girl that has less complications. Like I said before Ganji her azz. (no contact).

 

[Latinoman]

It amazes me how you fail to look at things objectively. For some reason your mind is clouded. Listen, I am not saying she is a bad woman. I am not saying she is terrible, I am not saying she is a slu_t.

All I am saying is that she is not the “high quality woman with “options” you are making yourself believe.

This woman has some SERIOUS emotional/mental issues. Let’s not kid ourselves here. And by the way, trichotillomania is NOT a “common” disorder in college aged girls. You are making it sound like college girls are pulling their hairs back and forth.


Here are some facts. She was involved with a married man with children for over one year. A woman with “options” will not get in a relationship (key word “relationship”) for such a long period of time (one year) with a man that is not available; especially if that woman wants motherhood in her future.

A woman with options will not follow that man around, to the point of moving to his city and working in the same base that he is working just to be near him.

Also, she went into an emotional breakdown when he clearly told her that he did not want to be with her.

She had issues with her mother preaching about the married man. And obviously something triggered her unstable mental state when she met her mom 3-5 days ago.

I am not saying she is a bad person. I am not saying she is a “slu_t”. All I am saying is that she has some serious mental-emotional issues. And that she does not have the “options” you are making yourself believe. I would NOT want to be with her. But that’s me that know what’s going on in her live due to what you told us here.

Still, I am not telling you to dump her. All I am saying is that SHE dumped you….she has issues…and current attachment toward you does not match to the attachment she had (probably STILL have) for that married man. You are literally NOT her #1 choice (as she was dumped by him and not the other way around).

 

[STR8UP]

I have a great idea.

Lets forget everything we know and take iqqi's advice for a year and see where it takes us.

Who's with me?

 

[Phyzzle]

You're learning the lesson that sometimes a woman can be in love with you, you can do absolutely everything right, and she can simply stop liking you in the course of weeks or hours because of issues unrelated to you.

This can be hard, not because of one-itis, but because doubts and curiosity will naturally assail you: What if her issues are just a line? An excuse? What if her depression itself was triggered by being with someone she's not into (you)? Do women really ditch relationships because of stressful, external issues? Isn't that what relationships are for? How in the Hell did you do everything right, and yet completely loose a woman's interest so swiftly?

But no, sometimes people are messed up in ways that they need to be alone for six months. It happens to men and women.

 

[Phyzzle]

I have a great idea.

Lets forget everything we know and take iqqi's advice for a year and see where it takes us.

Who's with me?

Wrong thread? We don't have any Iqqadvice in this one.

 

[STR8UP]

Wrong thread? We don't have any Iqqadvice in this one.

Go back a page.

 

[Phyzzle]

Oops, giant post, tiny name, I missed it.

But I like Latinoman's take. When I read the story, I thought of that NASA woman who went to ridiculous lengths to bag a married NASA guy who lived in some other state, culminating in getting lyme and a shovel, and driving across the country to kill his wife.

(e:Lisa Nowak)

 

[decades]

My understanding is the disorder is an OCD and the medical community is divided on whether it's harmful or benign or what the cause of it is. I could be wrong. Have you studied this or are in the field?

therapists are usually split on most of this stuff. I think it's one thing you look at. You put it in context with other behaviors and family history, and then make a determination. btw, most therapists wouldn't recognize a PD if it bit them on the leg.

 

[decades]

Here we have a woman who supposedly got transferred from St. Louis to the city where her X married BF works. And she says this is simply a coincidence. Now we discover one of the every first things she did upon coming to the new city (second night in town) was hook up with married X BF, and get dumped. She followed this guy to the new city imo. She did not wake up one day and realize, hey this is wrong what I am doing. She was forced to give up this relationship. It was not her idea. Only now, since she has no choice but to accept it, has she acknowledges how wrong it was. However, she would still be with this wreck of a married man if he had not dumped her in a heap.

 

[STR8UP]

She did not wake up one day and realize, hey this is wrong what I am doing. She was forced to give up this relationship. It was not her idea. Only now, since she has no choice but to accept it, she acknowledges how wrong it was.

Wanna make a chick a slave to her desire for you for all eternity?

Be married to another woman, and dump her ass as soon as she moves into town to be closer to you.

She needs to sort things out? Please. She needs either A) time AWAY from other dude to get over him; and/or B) The RIGHT man to come along to make her forget about her "A" guy.

No offense to the OP....you didn't do anything wrong and I have been in your shoes before.

 

[Luthor Rex]

Nail biting is not really a good thing either. Indicates abnormal levels of anxiety or maybe generalised anxiety disorder.

Or it indicates dry-anoying skin around my nails when I don't moisturize.

 

[mrRuckus]

Here are some facts. She was involved with a married man with children for over one year. A woman with “options” will not get in a relationship (key word “relationship”) for such a long period of time (one year) with a man that is not available; especially if that woman wants motherhood in her future.

He told her that they were separated. I already said this.

She had no idea he was still with his wife (according to her). She fell for the oldest trick in the book of saying "we're separated and in the process of getting a divorce." She thought he shared custody with the kids. Instead he was her side project while telling his wife he was on travel (which is frequent for most workers on this base). So basically he was lying to both. She moves to town. He freaks and dumps her. She feels completely betrayed and embarrassed she fell for that kind of stupid sh1t and claims she no longer trusts her own judgement, which is odd for her because she's normally high confidence. This is a big deal to her.

I live near the top naval aviation research base in the country. That is the field she works in. She went from st. louis to working here as a natural career path. I'm sure he played into the decision but it really was the best career path move. We have no way of knowing which factor weighed in most. And no she didn't transfer, it's a whole new position that pays much better and she gets to do more hands on work directly on aircraft like F16s and F18s like she dreamed of doing while growing up instead of being stuck behind a desk. She has NASA posters covering her walls for chrissakes, and went to space camp instead of having a sweet 16 party.

It is conceivable to me she moved more for the job than the guy. She had another boyfriend before for 6 years that she moved AWAY from to get her job in st. louis so she could start her career that she loves. They stayed together for about 2 years during that. She's not adverse to long distance stuff so to move just for him seems out of character for her and ridiculous.

I'm just saying I can't straight up call her a liar. She may very well have moved exclusively for him. She admitted a lot of other stuff for me. I don't know why she'd bend the truth on something not that big a deal.

Still, I am not telling you to dump her. All I am saying is that SHE dumped you….she has issues…and current attachment toward you does not match to the attachment she had (probably STILL have) for that married man. You are literally NOT her #1 choice (as she was dumped by him and not the other way around).

Again. I'm not trying to be with her right now. Everyone needs to stop putting words in my mouth. Basically my goal was to spew out my story, tell you what she said, and hear some feedback from you guys so that i can learn from the situation.

I AM unhappy about this but i'm not all broken up despite the high i've been riding the past few months and the promise that this had shown before now.

I'm not going to ganji her since my goal is not a "last ditch effort to get the girl." She's a hot babe i can drag around town as social proof if that's what i decide to do, but i don't know what i will end up doing yet, but it's not going to be trying to get her back within 2 weeks.




http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichotillomania - doesn't look like a big deal to me.

 

[Max Power]

Just to be clear. She didn't know he was married until she moved away from St. Louis?

 

[ketostix]

She claims to be untrustful of herself and her own decisions. She doesn't trust herself she claims to even choose to be with me. I'm just giving you guys what she said.

I think she is saying she's really not that into you.

She HAS gone to therapy before. She has a hair pulling disorder that's fairly common in college aged girls. It's compulsive like biting your nails. She was embarrassed by it for years and was very self conscious and she finally went to therapy and had a hard time admitting her problem but she did eventually and she licked the hair pulling. She still has the urges to do it, but she hasn't done it for 6 months. She did that on her own, so I do believe that she has every intention of dealing with this on her own and using a bit of therapy to assist. She has a small bald spot on the base of her skull in the back with the hair growing back in. It may just be an excuse to get rid of me, but still I think she is doing what she says. I personally didn't give this hair thing much thought because i just equated it with nail biting and such since I do that and I do go through periods where I do it more often when I'm nervous and such.

Geez I'm making her sound like a nutcase and she really isn't from what I know of her. She really is rather intelligent and strong.

I think this is a sign of a pretty serious emotional issue. But that doesn't mean it was really the problem in your situation.

I don't know what technically defines a rebound but she did see other a couple guys besides me since that situation. A couple dates. She chose me as I chose her.

A rebound is the person who enters a relationship with the rebounding person. This is where I think I agree with Str8up. You weren't her A guy. This girl works at a naval base, so she has willing guys and options oming out of the wood work.

I don't think you read everything, but yeah, of course her feelings were greater. She was with him for a year.

Yeah but the reason she was with him for a year was because she was into him more in the first place. She'd still be with the guy if he hadn't dumped her.

This girl has options. From what I know of her she's really into the idea of motherhood and at the time her best friend was giving birth. She even said something along these lines to me: that she was into the guy, learned he had kids, then started convincing herself that she could handle the kids largely because she really liked the idea of being a mother. She acts like she knows better now and she really doesn't want to get pregnant yet as she's doing the whole career thing. Yet of course the emotions of a guy she loved and helping mother little children seemed to override her judgement at the time, which she claims to have a real problem with.

More proof that this girl has options and goes for and stays with the guy she really wants even if the situation isn't idea. She's no different from every other female. She's ruled by her desires and emotions. She's only slightly more cognizant of it.

She now uses her best friend's children to hide behind.. always traveling to Florida to see them and care for them and showering them with presents and such... much the same way she does to me. She claims to view me as something else to hide behind rather than bearing down and dealing with the leftover baggage from the whole married guy situation. I'm just saying what she says. It seems a rather elaborate web to weave just to get rid of me. I think she believes it even if there is another underlying reason.

Again this is your answer. She was into another guy. And is using anything and anyone to rebound.

Well, yeah, perspective. Someone above said I lost my prize mentality. Hardly. I can see that I really like her without losing the idea what i'm fvcking awesome. I've always played that up with her and it never died off causing her to lose interest.

I do agree I probably gave her too much too fast.

Well the truth is this whole relationship was about her not you anyway. So it doesn't really matter what you did. To your credit you got about as much out of her as she was worth.

As far as spinning more plates, no. I don't really want to. I prefer girlfriend over many plates. Plates really aren't as fulfilling. I spin them when I must and there isn't a chick i want to be exclusive with.

I can't understand that, but now is that plate spinning time sounds like.

I really don't know to what extent it would effect a woman, but my female friends I told about this all look aghast in horror when they learn of her having gone out with a married guy. They're all like whoa that would be very embarrassing and then they relay stories of friends or themselves getting burned more or less like that at some point. I personally if i got into a situation like would be like whoa that sucks and just suck it up and move on, but i understand there's a much bigger stigma on women about that as shown by how her mom flipped out thinking my now-ex knew full well the guy was staying with his wife, when in actuality they were separated and she seemed to relax about it learning this new info. I don't understand the need for therapy, but i tend to think therapy is stupid anyway, though i was in it for a short while when i was 21 and dealing with some stupid afc girl sh1t. Does that make me lose all credibility or am i marked as fvcked up for life? I am no where near that boy anymore.

This girl knew going in and went for the guy anyway. I'm not going to say she absolute has a nother guy in mind besides you at this point. But her plan is to move on to another guy soon.

 

[ketostix]

Wanna make a chick a slave to her desire for you for all eternity?

Be married to another woman, and dump her ass as soon as she moves into town to be closer to you.

She needs to sort things out? Please. She needs either A) time AWAY from other dude to get over him; and/or B) The RIGHT man to come along to make her forget about her "A" guy.

No offense to the OP....you didn't do anything wrong and I have been in your shoes before.

I totally agree. She knew seperated means married for all practical purposes. This is all about her ego and the OP was not an A guy but a rebound to repair her ego. I agree he didn't do anything wrong except fall for a girl who is trying to repair her ego. MrRukus seems a little arrogant, so I'm sure he won't listen and will take offense, but the truth is this is a classic example of one-itis and being a cap'n-save-a-ho for lack of a better term.

 

[iqqi]

Well, yeah, perspective. Someone above said I lost my prize mentality. Hardly. I can see that I really like her without losing the idea what i'm fvcking awesome. I've always played that up with her and it never died off causing her to lose interest.

I do agree I probably gave her too much too fast.

As far as spinning more plates, no. I don't really want to. I prefer girlfriend over many plates. Plates really aren't as fulfilling. I spin them when I must and there isn't a chick i want to be exclusive with.

Hey mrRuckus, I think you may have missed my sarcasm. I'M not saying spin plates or be the prize or yadda yadda yadda. I'm saying, you are going to get those responses here automatically, don't let the canned responses get you down. I don't think you became "AFC" in the situation, or lost the "prize" mentality. I think it was just one of those things that happen.

You made a choice, using your standards, and you seem to be handling the demise of the relationship OK. Not AFC.

A rebound is the relationship a chick gets into right after her last serious one. Rebound, like in basketball. Come on, you're the guy, you should get this stuff. After she swooshes you through the hoop she is back on her feet. This is a textbook rebound.

In this case, it is more than you being a rebound. She has issues, that she admits to, there is nothing anyone can do about it, except her, which she is doing. So I think you are right about her being intelligent and decent.

I do think you should stop trying to find a chick to be exclusive with. That is setting yourself up for something like this to happen.

 

[Latinoman]

Post by MrRuckus

He told her that they were separated. I already said this.

She had no idea he was still with his wife (according to her). She fell for the oldest trick in the book of saying "we're separated and in the process of getting a divorce." She thought he shared custody with the kids. Instead he was her side project while telling his wife he was on travel (which is frequent for most workers on this base). So basically he was lying to both. She moves to town. He freaks and dumps her. She feels completely betrayed and embarrassed she fell for that kind of stupid sh1t and claims she no longer trusts her own judgement, which is odd for her because she's normally high confidence. This is a big deal to her.

I live near the top naval aviation research base in the country. That is the field she works in. She went from st. louis to working here as a natural career path. I'm sure he played into the decision but it really was the best career path move. We have no way of knowing which factor weighed in most. And no she didn't transfer, it's a whole new position that pays much better and she gets to do more hands on work directly on aircraft like F16s and F18s like she dreamed of doing while growing up instead of being stuck behind a desk. She has NASA posters covering her walls for chrissakes, and went to space camp instead of having a sweet 16 party.


It is conceivable to me she moved more for the job than the guy. She had another boyfriend before for 6 years that she moved AWAY from to get her job in st. louis so she could start her career that she loves. They stayed together for about 2 years during that. She's not adverse to long distance stuff so to move just for him seems out of character for her and ridiculous.

I'm just saying I can't straight up call her a liar. She may very well have moved exclusively for him. She admitted a lot of other stuff for me. I don't know why she'd bend the truth on something not that big a deal.

Get those blinds out of your eyes!!!

The point I am trying to make is that YOU are vastly overrating her. You are finding excuses to overrate her.

She has serious mental issues. She was involved in a relationship with that man for nearly a year and she never visited him? I mean…she was his booty call! Are you telling me that HE was her ONLY option? Do you see where I am getting at? I say he never had any intentions to be in a serious relationship with her…and she knew that (unless she is STUPID). I mean, this went on for ONE FRIGGING YEAR! Why did you think her mom was calling her a house-wrecker? So, she was either cheating (making her a LIAR as she said to you she didn’t know) or she is STUPID. So, LIAR or STUPID? One frigging year!

In addition, she went into STALKING that man.

So in summary,

1- She has mental issues
2- She is a stalker
3- She is either a LIAR or STUPID
Sorry, but those are not the qualities of a woman with options or a high quality woman.

Now, I will not debate she is probably educated and attractive and career oriented. That’s fine. My point is…options she lacked. Mental stability she lacked. And letting a man that used her for one year as a booty call (and then act like HE lied to her) is BULL SH_IT! Especially if she is as smart and intelligent as you claimed.

Another things…she was dumped by a man she followed all the way to St. Louis…and that obviously took place in December…and by January she was already seeing you? Think about that?


Concerning her airplane career path – I say B.S.!

By the way, I used to work on planes before (one model of which is in that list). Let me get this straight…she works on F-16 and F-18? Who is she trying to B.S. here? The F-16 is a Lockheed Martin plane and the F-18 is a McDonald Douglas (or used to be, I believe now is a Boeing) plane. She either works for Lockheed Martin or Boeing…but not for BOTH. Furthermore, the F-16 is an AIR FORCE plane while the F-18 is a NAVY plane, even if she works as a contractor…she will either work for the Navy or the Air Force…but not for BOTH! What is she? Obviously, she is not doing direct maintenance as she is not in the military. Maybe she is at the DEPOT level (planes that military people can not fix and is sent to civilians), but still, why Air Force AND Navy…. why Lockheed Martin AND Boeing? She is either contracted by one…not by two.

This woman is probably living a fantasy and is b.s.ing you with some sort of story. Unless she is an air traffic controller. You can do that anywhere…

Note: Boeing has bigger offices in Washington and California.

 

[ketostix]

Get those blinds out of your eyes!!!

The point I am trying to make is that YOU are vastly overrating her. You are finding excuses to overrate her.

She has serious mental issues. She was involved in a relationship with that man for nearly a year and she never visited him? I mean…she was his booty call! Are you telling me that HE was her ONLY option? Do you see where I am getting at? I say he never had any intentions to be in a serious relationship with her…and she knew that (unless she is STUPID). I mean, this went on for ONE FRIGGING YEAR! Why did you think her mom was calling her a house-wrecker? So, she was either cheating (making her a LIAR as she said to you she didn’t know) or she is STUPID. So, LIAR or STUPID? One frigging year!

In addition, she went into STALKING that man.

So in summary,

1- She has mental issues
2- She is a stalker
3- She is either a LIAR or STUPID
Sorry, but those are not the qualities of a woman with options or a high quality woman.

Now, I will not debate she is probably educated and attractive and career oriented. That’s fine. My point is…options she lacked. Mental stability she lacked. And letting a man that used her for one year as a booty call (and then act like HE lied to her) is BULL SH_IT! Especially if she is as smart and intelligent as you claimed.

Another things…she was dumped by a man she followed all the way to St. Louis…and that obviously took place in December…and by January she was already seeing you? Think about that?


Concerning her airplane career path – I say B.S.!

By the way, I used to work on planes before (one model of which is in that list). Let me get this straight…she works on F-16 and F-18? Who is she trying to B.S. here? The F-16 is a Lockheed Martin plane and the F-18 is a McDonald Douglas (or used to be, I believe now is a Boeing) plane. She either works for Lockheed Martin or Boeing…but not for BOTH. Furthermore, the F-16 is an AIR FORCE plane while the F-18 is a NAVY plane, even if she works as a contractor…she will either work for the Navy or the Air Force…but not for BOTH! What is she? Obviously, she is not doing direct maintenance as she is not in the military. Maybe she is at the DEPOT level (planes that military people can not fix and is sent to civilians), but still, why Air Force AND Navy…. why Lockheed Martin AND Boeing? She is either contracted by one…not by two.

This woman is probably living a fantasy and is b.s.ing you with some sort of story. Unless she is an air traffic controller. You can do that anywhere…

Note: Boeing has bigger offices in Washington and California.

With the hair pulling aside, my take is she's just your average ordinary woman really and so an opportunist. She stays with a man as long as possible if she's into him. She knew the guy was married and was just in it for ass. I'm thinking she works at a naval base and who knows what she does there if anything besides get a lot of attention from men. She's probably your requisite, token female hiree by the government.