Gf dumps me. Wants therapy to deal with issue before she met me.

[romangod]

I need to reiterate again. I do not claim to be a DJ. I am not there yet. I may be weak, but I am improving and I am a man. I put this out there for some good old man support. I do not go through life completely unphased by women. I simply do not. I am far better than I used to be, but yeah, this stuff still sucks, but I know it's not the end of the world and the best solution is to keep on truckin and get more girls. It's a bit of a stumble in life, and I appreciate any help any of you has tried to give.

Cheers! Many on this site who claim to be DJs aren't even close and are only fooling themselves. They are the proverbial AFCs in DJ clothing who melt the minute a chick gives them any attention. You may not be a DJ but you certainly aren't an AFC. You're on the right path with the right attitude. Keep it up!

 

[guru1000]

this is all about being the rebound.

thats all

This has nothing to do with the other guy.

Her REASONS for the breakup are not the REASONS why she left. Woman lack accountability and are too WEAK to tell the truth.

Her X has nothing to do with the break up. That is an EXCUSE to leave the relationship. What else could she say?

Her mother has a strong influence on her. Always look at the HISTORY before it ended.

Everything is NORMAL, except for the X and the visit 3 days prior to the mother.

She mentions "X" as a reason to leave. Her OVERT expression of a past relationship has nothing to do with her INTENT.

Her mother planted a SEED.

This girl will be back 100%.

Walk away from this one. You cannot make an emotional investment with one so easily influenced.

 

[STR8UP]

I don't know. She seems over the guy himself but not the situation. She seems very aware of how she is thinking and why she is doing what she's doing. She realizes she's not over that stuff, and hence why she wants to talk to a therapist about it because she's not able to shake it from her head. This stuff is especially affecting her considering the family strife it has caused ever since she told her mom about it.

There is no such thing as "not being over the situation".

We aren't talking about her witnessing her kid die in a tragic fire or something. It's an EXCUSE.

And chances are, she is NOT over this dude. Women don't leave a relationship they are happy with, unless they feel that they have a better prospect lined up. So she is either not nearly as into you as you think she is, or you are simply second fiddle to another person or worse yet the FANTASY of another person she has in her mind.

We went to the Bronx zoo, took a ton of pictures of us both, she bought me ice cream at Friendly's and laughed over this book she bought then we cuddled up in her parent's hot tub saturday night with some wine and she was wrapped all over me looking me straight in the eyes saying she was falling in love with me. Lol. Sunday we drove home, she went out of her way to make sure we left in time to get home for playoff hockey since she knew i didn't want to miss it, then the next day after work she dropped this. I seriously cannot think of any signs no matter how much you are willing to brow beat me. Whatever her mom did/said to her on sunday as we were leaving must have set her off with whatever time bombs are in girls' heads.

It's not that simple. A woman doesn't turn off from you over a single conversation or an event that happened one day.

I know it's hard to accept. I posted about a couple of women that were frustrating me with signs of high interest where their actions were not congruent with their words, and as soon as I looked deeper into what was going on I realized that I wasn't a top priority to them, plain and simple. No sorting out sh!t in their heads or any crap like that. It's like someone breaking up with you and saying "It's not you, it's me". No, it IS you, they just don't wanna say it to your face.

 

[STR8UP]

Everyone needs to remember that anytime someone says "I love you" there is an extremely real chance that tomorrow they could hate you or even worse not care about you.

Wise words, indeed.

 

[SharpGame]

That sucks man. Regardless of the reason, I'm thinking there's little hope for this one. Some possibilities...

• You've regressed to AFC (hopefully not, but check anyway)
• She's not over him (and has baggage)
• You're the rebound guy (and have served your purpose)
• She's met someone else
• She's the new girl in town who hooked up with you until she's established
• A combination of the above

Good luck dude.

 

[Latinoman]

this was a GREAT quality girlfriend

Really? She was phucking a married man with children. She literally followed him to his town, forcing him to dump her as he is literally (by the Military Code of Justice) commiting adultery and consequently risking to be demoted and punish by military law. But that's beside the point. All I know is that her feelings for him were a LOT greater than her feelings for you. Moving to his city...to follow him around (stalking) is clear indication of that. I wonder if she has "daddy" issues too...but I won't even venture into that.

Anyway...

It could be one of two things...
1- She has not moved on yet

or

2-Her mother triggered some sort of feelings within her


Two or three months hanging out together is NOT investment enough as to be dealing with this drama. Save the "quality" preaching for somebody else as rarely a woman with options will not go for a man that is still married and has kids. Unless that man is an ULTRA DJ or PUA, that she is willing to share him.

Another thing...just move on. If she is in such a fashion that she needs therapy due to some lover or some conversation she had with her mom...what do you think is going to happen when things don't go her way?

 

[iqqi]

MrRuckus, I think you have an accurate assessment of the situation, and posting here for more perspective... you should know you are going to get the typical "She doesn't see you as the prize" and "There is someone else!" and "spin more plates!" That and of course, some good perspective. Just don't let the typical off the mark remarks get to you.

Thing is, that is all fine and dandy for an AFC who needs robotic by the book info. I think you sound more DJ than most here. You found someone you wanted, by YOUR standards, you recognized it, you made it happen. She obviously DID think you were something, which is why there WAS something, that you are losing now.

You are losing it because SH!T happens. Nothing is guaranteed.

This does sound like the stereotypcial rebound situation. The only thing I'd recommend having done differently is you should have taken it slower. YOUR emotions should have been on hold. You jumped into it it seems, 4-5 months isn't a lot of time to be sure about someone, especially knowing they just got out of something bad. Some people do marry their "rebound", and live happily ever after, but usually it doesn't go that way.

I think she did nothing wrong here, and neither did you. She has to take responsibility for jumping into something so quickly, as do you. She has to deal with her issues from that previous situation, and she is doing so, without leading you further on. Sounds like a good chick, so good job. Next time take it slower with someone who could be considered "damaged" from a recent bad LTR.

Protect thyself first and foremost.

Her REASONS for the breakup are not the REASONS why she left. Woman lack accountability and are too WEAK to tell the truth.

DO NOT LISTEN to this guy.

Your chick balls up and tells you some painful stuff, and this guy says it can't be true, simply because womankind is weak and unaccountable for their actions. This is the sh!t on this board that is ridiculous to read.

There is no such thing as "not being over the situation".

We aren't talking about her witnessing her kid die in a tragic fire or something. It's an EXCUSE.

Yeah, because lord knows (or STR8UP in this case) that the only pain that can cause a woman to need reflection on her life is the loss of a child.

Not being completely decieved and humiliated by a man she moved to another city for. Oh no, that shouldn't have ANY effect at all. After all, womankind = monkey branch swingers. They just swing from one branch to the next, without any regard to feelings or emotions, and of course, they don't have any of their own.

Next time just go find a good man!

Lord knows (or STR8UP in this case) that good women who tell the truth about needing time to get themselves together don't exist.

This chick is more DJ than many guys here on this forum. She knows she needs to get herself straight first before she can be happy with someone else. I say kudos to her.

 

[guru1000]

There is your answer.

Do the REVERSE of EVERYTHING Iqqi suggests, and you have the solution

:yes:

 

[Max Power]

Don't listen to Iqqi, as much as you might want.

We may be harsh but we're here to help. Not all the advice on in this thread is good, and I think you know who the over reactive key jockeys are ...

But, I'm telling you this: I do not think you're ex girlfriend is going into therapy. You seem to believe this. I do not. Even though, you say you're not attached to her, you are still believing this totally false story. If she's going into therapy for real, then I'll believe you, but nobody goes into therapy beause they had an affair with some and their mother objected.

If you do talk to her again, and I suspect you will, ask her who her therapist is and what he charges. Then verify the story. I'm telling you, she will not be able to provide you any answers to either of these two simple questions.

 

[ElChoclo]

The object of your affection is a weak mental case. You can spend hours of your short life on this earth trying to analyse her motivations but even if you figured it out correctly it is not worth knowing.

She is just like a modern electronic appliance, complicated but relatively cheap to replace. People don't repair Ipods even if they have provided them with some transient pleasure.

She sounds just like that crazy female astronaut, you know the one who was driving cross country wearing a nappy and planning to murder her competition.

 

[decades]

You only knew her for a few months. which means you DID NOT know her very much at all. People Disappoint. They are WIRED to do this. When she went from Loving you to NOT loving you, all she did was "flip the script". She was acting, performing, doing what she thought women who love men, Do. Why do I say this? Because after only a few months, it was too soon to "Really" love you. Because she couldn't really know you in such a short time either.

 

[mrRuckus]

But, I'm telling you this: I do not think you're ex girlfriend is going into therapy. You seem to believe this. I do not. Even though, you say you're not attached to her, you are still believing this totally false story. If she's going into therapy for real, then I'll believe you, but nobody goes into therapy beause they had an affair with some and their mother objected.

Her mother is just a piece of it. She told me about what happened early on and i really didn't think it was that big of a deal. She still says she did not know the guy was with his wife. She thought they were separated.

She claims to be untrustful of herself and her own decisions. She doesn't trust herself she claims to even choose to be with me. I'm just giving you guys what she said.

She HAS gone to therapy before. She has a hair pulling disorder that's fairly common in college aged girls. It's compulsive like biting your nails. She was embarrassed by it for years and was very self conscious and she finally went to therapy and had a hard time admitting her problem but she did eventually and she licked the hair pulling. She still has the urges to do it, but she hasn't done it for 6 months. She did that on her own, so I do believe that she has every intention of dealing with this on her own and using a bit of therapy to assist. She has a small bald spot on the base of her skull in the back with the hair growing back in. It may just be an excuse to get rid of me, but still I think she is doing what she says. I personally didn't give this hair thing much thought because i just equated it with nail biting and such since I do that and I do go through periods where I do it more often when I'm nervous and such.

Geez I'm making her sound like a nutcase and she really isn't from what I know of her. She really is rather intelligent and strong.



I don't know what technically defines a rebound but she did see other a couple guys besides me since that situation. A couple dates. She chose me as I chose her.

Really? She was phucking a married man with children. She literally followed him to his town, forcing him to dump her as he is literally (by the Military Code of Justice) commiting adultery and consequently risking to be demoted and punish by military law. But that's beside the point. All I know is that her feelings for him were a LOT greater than her feelings for you. Moving to his city...to follow him around (stalking) is clear indication of that. I wonder if she has "daddy" issues too...but I won't even venture into that.

I don't think you read everything, but yeah, of course her feelings were greater. She was with him for a year.

as rarely a woman with options will not go for a man that is still married and has kids.

This girl has options. From what I know of her she's really into the idea of motherhood and at the time her best friend was giving birth. She even said something along these lines to me: that she was into the guy, learned he had kids, then started convincing herself that she could handle the kids largely because she really liked the idea of being a mother. She acts like she knows better now and she really doesn't want to get pregnant yet as she's doing the whole career thing. Yet of course the emotions of a guy she loved and helping mother little children seemed to override her judgement at the time, which she claims to have a real problem with.

She now uses her best friend's children to hide behind.. always traveling to Florida to see them and care for them and showering them with presents and such... much the same way she does to me. She claims to view me as something else to hide behind rather than bearing down and dealing with the leftover baggage from the whole married guy situation. I'm just saying what she says. It seems a rather elaborate web to weave just to get rid of me. I think she believes it even if there is another underlying reason.

MrRuckus, I think you have an accurate assessment of the situation, and posting here for more perspective... you should know you are going to get the typical "She doesn't see you as the prize" and "There is someone else!" and "spin more plates!" That and of course, some good perspective. Just don't let the typical off the mark remarks get to you.

Well, yeah, perspective. Someone above said I lost my prize mentality. Hardly. I can see that I really like her without losing the idea what i'm fvcking awesome. I've always played that up with her and it never died off causing her to lose interest.

I do agree I probably gave her too much too fast.

As far as spinning more plates, no. I don't really want to. I prefer girlfriend over many plates. Plates really aren't as fulfilling. I spin them when I must and there isn't a chick i want to be exclusive with.

Not being completely decieved and humiliated by a man she moved to another city for. Oh no, that shouldn't have ANY effect at all. After all, womankind = monkey branch swingers.

I really don't know to what extent it would effect a woman, but my female friends I told about this all look aghast in horror when they learn of her having gone out with a married guy. They're all like whoa that would be very embarrassing and then they relay stories of friends or themselves getting burned more or less like that at some point. I personally if i got into a situation like would be like whoa that sucks and just suck it up and move on, but i understand there's a much bigger stigma on women about that as shown by how her mom flipped out thinking my now-ex knew full well the guy was staying with his wife, when in actuality they were separated and she seemed to relax about it learning this new info. I don't understand the need for therapy, but i tend to think therapy is stupid anyway, though i was in it for a short while when i was 21 and dealing with some stupid afc girl sh1t. Does that make me lose all credibility or am i marked as fvcked up for life? I am no where near that boy anymore.

 

[mrRuckus]

The object of your affection is a weak mental case. You can spend hours of your short life on this earth trying to analyse her motivations but even if you figured it out correctly it is not worth knowing.

Dude, stfu. I don't mind analyzing anything. I'm very interested in psychology. And i'm very interested in learning why she's doing what she is doing. It may help me in the future, and it may help me in future relationships.

No other Events, other than this. Is she a close knit family girl?

Yes, except with her dad. She's one of those "i tell my mom everything" girls, which is why she is so distraught that her mom has not treated her the same since learning of her married guy situation. She told me about this early on but this is the first time she saw her mom in person since her mom got p1ssed about this whole thing. She thought things were going to be fine until her mom learned otherwise about the guy being separated. Of course, the ex now said her mom still doesn't know EVERYTHING, and i don't know what she means by everything. I sorta have the idea that her mom didn't know about his kids.

the OP KNEW HE WAS THE REBOUND AND JUST WROTE A LONG WINDED POST MUCH ADU ABOUT NOTHING.

HE IS THE REBOUND..ITS OVER..SHE USED HIM AND TRIED TO CARE FOR HIM..IT DIDN'T WORK.

But he knew and still dated her..thought it would be different.

I really hate that "long winded..." type ****. Fvck you. I clearly said I was just looking for male support and maybe a few ideas sent my way. Don't act like i'm here for some "solution" to the problem like i'm trying to win her back or something. Talking about this is therapy to me. This WILL help me. I've been there before. I get it out of my system and move on. If I don't this will linger. In fact, after i wrote those sentences i thought about her doing the same thing i am. She never fully processed all that sh1t from her ex and tried to be in a relationship. Her mom resurfaces all the feelings she tried to push aside, and poof, as a grownup, she realizes she MUST deal with this stuff before putting her all into a relationship. She knows this is a poison pill that would just surface again later and ruin a 2 year relationship rather than a few month one and made the adult decision to take care of it now. MAYBE that's bullsh1t, maybe i just suck and she doesn't like me, but with me being the only person here who has spent significant time with her, she has given me no indication whatsoever before this that she wasn't totally into me, so as of now that's my opinion.

And i really didn't think it was a big deal at all when this started. I was like "oh that's interesting" and it didn't really come up again except as jokes like "well, at least I'm not married with kids" when discussing how awesome i am with her. I knew she wasn't happy about what happened, but i didn't realize it was eating away at her inside. OH oh i just realized something. At some point a few weeks ago she did say "i'm falling in love with you, but i'm fighting it so hard." I just thought it was typical girl talk of being scared and swept up in things, but maybe now it was really directed at not wanting to be vulnerable like she still feels from the married dude.

Cheers! Many on this site who claim to be DJs aren't even close and are only fooling themselves. They are the proverbial AFCs in DJ clothing who melt the minute a chick gives them any attention. You may not be a DJ but you certainly aren't an AFC. You're on the right path with the right attitude. Keep it up!

Yeah it's that simple. For me to just clam up and act the tough guy in the face of adversity of being called AFC or whatever in this thread would just be an act and not help me. I would still be who i am and feel what i feel except without this outlet for the emotions and such that i can't really go around telling all the girls.

Women don't leave a relationship they are happy with, unless they feel that they have a better prospect lined up. So she is either not nearly as into you as you think she is, or you are simply second fiddle to another person or worse yet the FANTASY of another person she has in her mind.

No matter how much you say this doesn't make it true. I very very highly doubt there is a prospect lined up. There may be a fantasy, sure. There's no way for me to know. She may not have been happy with me, though. That's fine. Can't win them all and she's doing me a favor by ending it now rather than later.

Plus, you have this "hot gf" who does x, y, z for you. I have 6 hot women who do all of those things for me. I have women waiting in line to be one of those 6. I only have 7 days in a week to see them and I like days to myself!

You only "think" you need to stay in this relationship because you've convinced yourself that to feel validated you need this women. The fact is that you can be single, dating multiple new gorgeous exciting fun women who have tons to offer you!

Whoa, wtf? I don't want 6 hot women at once. And no i do not "need" this woman. This isn't the typical post of ohhhhh i hurt so bad help me get her back and/or another girlfriend. You can't brow beat me into living your lifestyle. It's NOT un-DJ to be in a relationship. I have always always preferred a relationship. It's a completely different connection than just dating and fvcking a few girls. I don't crave the variety a lot of guys do.

You only knew her for a few months. which means you DID NOT know her very much at all. People Disappoint. They are WIRED to do this. When she went from Loving you to NOT loving you, all she did was "flip the script". She was acting, performing, doing what she thought women who love men, Do. Why do I say this? Because after only a few months, it was too soon to "Really" love you. Because she couldn't really know you in such a short time either.

She never said she loved me. She said she was "falling in love with me" or stuff like "yeah, i could so fall in love with you."

off to a stupid class for work...

 

[hithard]

For the life of me, I can't just write this off due to low interest level. This girl has been all over me, fawning over me, since the first day. Sex, neck rubs, back rubs that she offers almost daily. She's been trotting me around meeting all her friends and parents and everything.

It’s possible she came off an emotional high with married guy dumping her. And while at the start you managed to keep her mind off her problems (that have probably been festering away for years) with the excitement of a new relationship it has probably come off the boil. And now she has had a reality check the said problems are still there. If therapy is the reason for this then I think she made a good choice to make a break and deal with this herself.

You also cut a break by not having to play cpt save a ho and do more damage to her

 

[decades]

Pulling out your hair is NOT like biting your nails. It's categorized by therapists as "self harm" and is often associated with very severe personality disorders. Now we find out she has a too involved, over protective mother, and "daddy" issues. Likely either a physically or emotionally absent father. Emotionally healthy women, as a rule, don't get involved with married men. The more you reveal about her, the more we are going to believe you actually dodged a bullet here. This is actually a troubled woman who does really need to work on her issues Alone.

As for being "totally into you"...have you ever seen a movie where a female character is totally into a male character? And it's So convincing it seemed "real". Guess what. That does not just happen in the movies. You didn't know this woman. You knew what she wanted you to know. My hunch is that she is still in contact (email, phone, im?) with the married X. What are the odds that she would be transferred, from St. Louis, to the same city where the X is working?

When she said "I could SO fall in love with you", your heart gets ahead of your brain. That's no different than saying she loves you. Your brain won't distinguish.

 

[romangod]

No matter how much you say this doesn't make it true. I very very highly doubt there is a prospect lined up. There may be a fantasy, sure. There's no way for me to know. She may not have been happy with me, though. That's fine. Can't win them all and she's doing me a favor by ending it now rather than later.

(

Again, I commend you for having the right attitude and being a Mature Man. No matter how things turn out this is a valuable stepping stone to self-awareness and future happiness. She is doing you a big favor and you are wise enough to learn from it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnDrbagYm24



Cheers!

 

[romangod]

Ooooops! Double post!


Cheers!

 

[ElChoclo]

Maybe girls who pull out their own hair are considered normal where you come from. Maybe you like to study them like David Attenborough studies chimps. But so what.

Since you're so interested in psychology you may have figured out that you are on a partial reinforcement schedule. Sometimes when you press the "girlfriend" lever you get a little rat pellet of feel good chemicals in your little rat head, but other times just nothing.

Nail biting is not really a good thing either. Indicates abnormal levels of anxiety or maybe generalised anxiety disorder. Oh, but that's you though.

Ever considered that her mother maybe just doesn't like you. Shortly after you were presented you became unwanted. So do your Hamlet impersonation on that one.

 

[SharpGame]

I do agree I probably gave her too much too fast.

Yes, and I think you allowed her to give you too much too fast. All those neck rubs and back rubs might feel good, but if she doesn't keep things from moving too fast, you must.

 

[MacAvoy]

I'm going to take a different path here. First off, your not coming across as a huge AFC putting all your eggs in this basket and trying to land her at all costs like typical AFC's. Your actually giving us a solid and credible picture & judgement of this women IMO.

I believe you when you say that she's a strong & intelligent women. She's also a good women which is evident in the way that she treated you. I also don't deny that she was falling in love with you and that her feelings were 100% genuine.

However right now she is broken. I'm not saying she is damaged goods and will never be no good to anyone or that she is a bad person. In fact under the right circumstances, I'd love to date her. However knowing what I know right now about her, I wouldn't touch her for 6 months minimum.

She needs to deal with her issues. They are real and they are serious. Like others have said, the hair pulling is very serious. However that doesn't make her a total nutjob like their suggesting, we all go through rough patches and have different coping mechanisms. Unfortunately hers isn't quite as strong as yours or mine but she's smart & intelligent and will eventually deal with it.

That being said. Enough cannot be said about history & impressions. These are not things that can be easily overcome. My honest opinion is that given her current state, her subconscious impression of you & your relationship together is tarnished. I honestly don't think it will ever change. I'm not saying its impossible, I'm saying its unrealistic.

She needs time right now to heal herself. I think you being in the picture will only confuse it because of her issues with the ex that mistreated her. She needs to make a clean break from both of you so she can deal with this. If you truly care about her, you will want her to get better. You will give her the room to take care of herself.

Being the support friend won't work because there are other emotions at play and they will cloud the issue. Do the right thing and give her some space. Explain to her completely how you feel about her and what you are doing but make the break. Then if you want look in on her in 6 months and see how's she's doing. You can also tell her to look you up when she feels she's all better but your not going to wait around. You have a life to live and it wouldn't be healthy for you to not live your life either.

Good luck brother your going to need it. Your also going to need a lot of strength and will power. I'm here to support you and I'm sure others are too. Even the guys telling you to run have your best interests at heart, even though they are looking at only one aspect.