Gf dumps me. Wants therapy to deal with issue before she met me.

[mrRuckus]

So yesterday I walk into my girlfriend's apartment after work and she gives me this big long hug, which is nothing out of the ordinary.

We sit down as she watches the end of a hockey game curled up in my arms.

After the game, out of no where, she says "I'm not happy."

I question this and she says for 3 weeks now she's just been in a funk and can't shake it. I look at her expecting her to continue on and eventually she says her unhappiness has nothing to do with me but we have to end the relationship so she can deal with this.

This was coming from the girl who said she was falling in love with me the day before. From the girl who waited on me and foot last week when i was sick for a few days. The girl who just took me to meet her parents 3 days prior. According to chicks this is a "big deal."

A few months prior to me meeting her, she had broken up with this guy who had 2 kids and was married. He had her convinced that he was going to marry her. She was under the impression that he was separated from his wife. She was prepared to help take care of the kids. When she moved into town, where he lives, he came over and broke up with her. I'm guessing because he can't be seen around town with her.

Her mom at first had been really pissed at her and called her a homewrecker and such until she heard what I thought was the full story. The mom eventually apologized, but apparently never really got over it and still didn't know the whole story. I'm not sure what she does know, but I met the mom this past weekend and my girlfriend swears her mom is acting weird towards her.

Anyway, now the girl is saying how embarrassed she is by the whole situation, and how she has lost her normal self confidence over it and needs to recover it "on her own." She was acting like she lost her compass and doesn't trust her own judgement anymore. She's sitting there crying saying she was easily falling in love with me, but insisting she needs to deal with this so she is capable of giving 100% in the type of relationship she wants to have, but with me around she just hides behind me and concentrates on taking care of me instead of being forced to deal with things. She was saying she's looking to call to get into therapy.

Of course, she is hoping after she deals with this I'm still available because I'm the best boyfriend ever and such, and she admits she's pretty stupid for risking the loss of a guy like me, but that she needs to be 100% herself to be able to be 100% in the relationship. I realize I should most likely not be available if that time comes.

For the life of me, I can't just write this off due to low interest level. This girl has been all over me, fawning over me, since the first day. Sex, neck rubs, back rubs that she offers almost daily. She's been trotting me around meeting all her friends and parents and everything.

I realize a lot of this is just girl-speak, but I'm just putting it out there for my own therapy. I'm not all broken up or anything. Just rather confused and hurt because this was a GREAT quality girlfriend that I've gotten along with beautifully in all ways. Smart, beautiful, educated, funny, sweet, caring, feminine, high sex drive, etc... bleh. No, there are NO other guys and in fact she was saying there was no way she was going to be going out with anyone else and how hypocritical of her it would be if she were to do that. She can't exactly hide that anyway considering she lives in an apartment across the parking lot from me.

Oh well, I'm leaving for work. I'll check back later to see how much of a douchebag you guys say I am.

 

[decades]

How long has she been your GF?

 

[romangod]

Now is the time to back off and feign indifference when you do run into her in the parking lot. She has set the agenda and you shouldn't resist it because it will drive her farther away and she'll lose respect for you. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

I sense that you were too available and invested in her and it confused and bothered her. Step back and go on with your life while being friendly yet aloof when you cross paths. I don't think it is necessarily over but you should be honest with yourself and follow your own agenda. Eventually, you might be back on the same page.


Cheers!

 

[MacAvoy]

Ok my first problem is only 2 months ago, you were asking us how to respond to a girl's email about wanting her number. Based on the tone of this response, I highly doubt you've got multiple plates and that this chick is either the girl from the email or one you picked up right around the same time.

That being said, how did you end up b/f & g/f so soon? Again, I doubt it was because you've been spinning plates and she see you as a high value man that she needs to tie down. Your just not leaving that impression with me.

However all that being said, I don't think your doing anything terribly wrong. You might have been giving her a little too much attention and being too nice a guy but I think your biggest problem is timing. The fact that you are following:

A few months prior to me meeting her, she had broken up with this guy who had 2 kids and was married. He had her convinced that he was going to marry her. ...

She is not over this guy, a women who picked up her life and moved according to you to take care of a guy's kids, a guy that she honestly thought she was going to marry. You don't get over that quickly within a couple of months, not if your a healthy normal human being.

However you said:

For the life of me, I can't just write this off due to low interest level. This girl has been all over me, fawning over me, since the first day. Sex, neck rubs, back rubs that she offers almost daily. She's been trotting me around meeting all her friends and parents and everything.

I think you are right in your assessment. She didn't have low interest. You were a rebound guy, she was honestly giving you her best try. However after some time passed, she realized that she still has feelings for her ex. She was trying really really hard to like you, hence all the sex, & back rubs, even the trotting you around to her friends & parents was her trying to convince herself that you are a great guy, a great catch, she was seeking their approval, however she forgot her heart & mind rule her.

You can continue to spend your energy on this women but I can guarantee that you will NEVER own her heart. Do you want to be second fiddle? Or do you want a women that will do anything to keep you?

Your a smart, intelligent guy, find a women that appreciates that, don't settle for a women with a broken heart looking for some healing.

 

[decades]

It's not you it's Me. :yawn:

 

[azanon]

I question this and she says for 3 weeks now she's just been in a funk and can't shake it. I look at her expecting her to continue on and eventually she says her unhappiness has nothing to do with me but we have to end the relationship so she can deal with this.

"You know, I have been noticing that you've seemed unhappy. I agree with you and think that it would be best for you - for us even - if we end the relationship."

Regardless of what you really want from her, it's your best play. A DJ wouldn't bat an eye. It's too bad you didn't deliver this the moment she mentioned it, but late still beats never.

If you ever get another opportunity like that, make sure and pause and think... look up in the air, and give a "concerned" look while appearing unfazed. No matter what you feel on the inside, act more concerned about "her welfare" than personally hurt by her declaration. There's plenty of time to deal with any hurt on your own when no one's looking. If you have 4 other plates, the "hurt" should range from minimal to non-existent.

These women can't touch us! It'd be different if there weren't approximately 150 million of them in the US.

 

[frivolousz21]

few months prior to me meeting her, she had broken up with this guy who had 2 kids and was married. He had her convinced that he was going to marry her. She was under the impression that he was separated from his wife. She was prepared to help take care of the kids. When she moved into town, where he lives, he came over and broke up with her. I'm guessing because he can't be seen around town with her.

This is all it comes down to bro.

your a rebound.

Your girl was willing in her heart and ready to Marry a man..who was going to leave his wife for her.

home wrecker or not..thats is huge.

the women probably cares for you...but that is stunted by the fact that she is probably still in love or has deep feelings for the man before you.

you should of seen that as a HUGE RED FLAG...my biggest thing is making 100 percent sure the women I met and date has zero emotional/romantic/physical attachments to a prior man.

if your women is dating and its casual or she has a lame afc BF..then by all means.

but in this case she was really into that guy and probably hasn't gotten over it.

just remember this next time.

 

[guru1000]

Hey Ruckus,

I thought you were spinning multiple plates and throwing women out of your house. Now here you are with a GF??

How long have you two been EXCLUSIVE?

Whatever her reasons were, she certainly does not VALUE you.

But before we give you some Heart to Heart therapy; please share some of the TELLTALE SIGNS she COVERTLY gave you that this was about to occur.

There were EVENTS that took place previous to this break up. Do not tell us you were blind sided.

 

[DJDamage]

Anyway, now the girl is saying how embarrassed she is by the whole situation, and how she has lost her normal self confidence over it and needs to recover it "on her own." She was acting like she lost her compass and doesn't trust her own judgement anymore. She's sitting there crying saying she was easily falling in love with me, but insisting she needs to deal with this so she is capable of giving 100% in the type of relationship she wants to have, but with me around she just hides behind me and concentrates on taking care of me instead of being forced to deal with things. She was saying she's looking to call to get into therapy..

She is not embarrassed by the situation.

She has not lost "her normal self" and needs to recover it. She knows exectly what she is doing.

Her cries are crocodile tears she has been practising for days prior to laying this bomb on you.

Therapy? happy & sane women in a loving relationship don't need therapy. Sounds to me like [highlight]SHE IS HIDING A BIG BAD SECRET.[/highlight]

and whatever that secret is, you are not going to like it. I suggest for your sanity that you cut through the bullsh1t she has been feeding you and find the TRUTH. Because the TRUTH will eventually come out, but its better it comes out today then a couple of months from now.

Sorry to tell you this but this is the begining of the end of your relationship.

 

[lookyoung]

Well she just broke up with you so the best thing to do in this situation is Ganji her ass otherwise known as NO CONTACT. Do not phone her, see her or have anything to do with her. Obviously if she was crazy about you she would not have broke up with you like this out of the blue. She probably is getting together with an x bf or found another guy.

Woman hate to be alone. Very rarely will a woman break up with a guy if she is alone. She probably has some guy on hold that is ready to fuk her brains out. Ignore her. Make her suffer. Punish her. If she loves you she will find away to be with you. You are the prize not her. Carry yourself as such.

 

[STR8UP]

Woman hate to be alone. Very rarely will a woman break up with a guy if she is alone. She probably has some guy on hold that is ready to fuk her brains out.

Bingo.

You are not her "A" guy. I don't care how many back rubs she gives you or how many friends she introduces you to. A woman who WANTS you will not pull BS like this. Been there before many times. Don't confuse signs of interest with the idea that she is only interested in YOU. Been there many times in the past.

All of this "she's acting strange" stuff can be explained if you understand the Myth of the Single Woman.

 

[Max Power]

Of course, she is hoping after she deals with this I'm still available because I'm the best boyfriend ever and such, and she admits she's pretty stupid for risking the loss of a guy like me, but that she needs to be 100% herself to be able to be 100% in the relationship.

Sorry about this dude. It happens.

But I think if you read Joeker's famous post on "breaks" you'll realize that what she is telling you is complete bull****.

If you were so important to her, there's no way she would pull this i-need-a-break-to-get-myself-back crap.

Would you say, "You know Pamela Anderson (or your fav female celeb here) you are the best chick I've ever dated but I need to be 100 per cent myself to be 100 per cent in this relationship. I think we need to take a break."

Not in a million years would you do this cause you know Pamela Anderson ain't gonna wait around for you ... and chicks don't do this either. It makes no sense if they really cared about you.

But the good thing is you really don't seem too broken up or concerned about this and I think on some level you know this is bull****. You're getting good advice in this thread. Best of luck to you.

 

[Max Power]

Worth repeating by Joekerr31

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126471

thought i'd take a moment to share my views on 'breaks'

when your woman says 'i think we should take a break', 99.9% of the time its end game.

you see, what she has created a lose lose scenario for you. its a scenario that gives her ALL the power in the relationship moving forward.

its lose lose because either you say 'i understand. ill wait for you', in which case its pretty clear who needs who more. or you say 'no i dont want a break' and once again its pretty clear who needs who more.

calling for a break is an all or nothing move - its a POWER move. the fact that it is often wrapped up in this neat little package of 'im just confused and need some time to figure things out' type of melodrama is all part of the ruse.

all you have to do is change the paradigm to understand the nature of 'a break'. can you imagine your employer coming up to your desk one day and saying 'Listen Jim, can we talk? I think we need to take a break. So we'd like to lay you off for a while. i mean, we still want you to work for us, but just for the time being we think it would be best that we let you go while we figure out what to do with the business. we'll call ok?"

would you respond to that with: "Oh for sure. i understand. take your time and give me a call when you are ready."

F*CK no! You'd say "What the f*CK? you gotta be joking me? f*ck you guys, i don't want to come back and work here. i'm going to go find a better job somewhere else!"

and even if you didn't say anything to them and accepted the situation, you'd still get your resume out there and get another job! You'd be insane to want to go back to a company that could toss you aside out of the blue - even if they say they are only temporarily tossing you aside.

actually, its easier to understand it in business. sometimes company's do temporary lay offs to clean up the books and then rehire folks a quarter later. but in a relationship? theres just about no excuse for such a tactic. none.

the only excuses that potentially might warrant a break would...
- a death in her family that messed her up psychologically
- if you've been abusing her verbally / physically
- if she caught you cheating
- if you're banging a MILF with kids and things are getting too out of control and she needs time to get her head together for her kids

see, theres no reason to call a 'break', becuase you can take a break without calling it a break. you can tell your gf / bf, 'Sally, i just need to spend this weekend alone. i'm just really run down and need to recharge my batteries."

the ONLY reason to actually use the words "I think we need a break" is to literally CUT the ties that bind - to END teh relationship.

any woman prepared to take that risk with a guy she likes is an idiot. and 99.99999% of women would NEVER take that chance with a guy they were head over heels for.

when you hear "i think we need a break." you need to translate those in your head into what they really mean....

"It's been great, but its over. I'm leaving you. I don't want a future with you. I'm going to start screwing / dating other guys. the only reason i'm saying lets take a break, instead of lets break up, is that you're such an AFC that i know i can basically spit in your face and you'll take me back if i want. and until i know that i can do better than you, i want to keep you as an option in the future."

to which my response would be - TO LAUGH MY F*CKING *SS OFF and show her the door.

 

[KontrollerX]

Str8up and Macavoy nailed it.

You are the rebound guy.

All that nice sh!t she did for you was just an effort to convince herself that she wanted you but she really doesn't. She just wanted to get over her emotions for her ex and you fulfilled that role quite nicely.

Now that she is feeling better again she likely met the kind of man she really wants to be with or maybe her ex has decided to take her back in some capacity so she's "all better now".

You have fulfilled your purpose to her life and now in her mind it is time to move on to new and better horizons all under the guise of this bullsh!t therapy story.

When just about anyone in the world is going through trying times they almost always want their closest friends, family members or loved ones supporting them in some capacity so they can get through it.

Bottom line is if this chick was truly into you and afraid of losing you forever there would be no talk of breaks or ending it for a while or whatever the fvck.

She would want you around as her support while she dealt with her issues and I mean just the support of knowing you are there for her, that you are her man etc.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126471&highlight=breaks

And without further ado joekerr's thread on breaks incase you needed a further refresher course.

Edit: LMAO, guess I was beaten to it finally but yep joe's thread you definitely need to read.

 

[mrRuckus]

Slow down guys.

I never said I was going to sit around and wait for her. I told her in earlier conversation long ago that I wasn't a bus that you can get on and off again and I repeated this to her yesterday. She said she realized that already, knows how I am, and knew she'd been in the doghouse and would have to come crawling back begging, but that she still had to do this to "fix herself." Whatever that means.

I even told her I realize that I am the rebound guy and should've listened to that little voice in my head earlier. She vehemently denied this, but you know how that is.

I admit I'm not strong enough yet just to get up and walk out right then. I was thinking I should as soon as she brought it up, but I still didn't at the time. It is damn hard.

Ok my first problem is only 2 months ago, you were asking us how to respond to a girl's email about wanting her number. Based on the tone of this response, I highly doubt you've got multiple plates and that this chick is either the girl from the email or one you picked up right around the same time.

I remember that post, but it was out curiosity of other ideas how to respond outside of my typical overplayed responses. You make it sound like I am clueless and actually had no idea how to get a phone number.

I thought you were spinning multiple plates and throwing women out of your house. Now here you are with a GF??

Lol yeah i did throw that girl out of my house.

I've been involved with this girl in one form or another since January. I had a few plates for a few months but my goal is a relationship. She jumped through all the hoops I put her through and she was the best of the bunch. I never claimed to be super stud plate spinner. I prefer a girlfriend over 4 girls i'm fvcking. I've already contacted one former plate and another fvck buddy of mine and they are acting like they on board to hang out. I'm not withering away crying in bed, but it does sting me because honestly she is the typical type of attractive nerdy girl I am drawn to that are few and far between, and even if i have 5 girls to fvck it doesn't change I want more than sex. She's a NASA nut and her apt is covered with framed photos of the moon landing and such.

There is no other guy. She's only lived here since December and only has a couple people she knows and they're only co-workers. She did not move here for the guy. He is in the navy on the navy base that i work at. She moved from st. louis due to the specificity of her job (she works on naval aircraft in a certain type of role there's no need to get into). He did not even want her to move here obviously, since he dumped her the first time he saw her after she moved here.

She's a nurturer at heart. I could go into the details of how I know this but it's beside the point. I think she genuinely always takes care of her guy like she was doing to me. She could have been doing that stuff out of habit and not for liking me but she wasn't just "trying to convince herself" or whatever.

She is not over this guy, a women who picked up her life and moved according to you to take care of a guy's kids, a guy that she honestly thought she was going to marry. You don't get over that quickly within a couple of months, not if your a healthy normal human being.

I don't know. She seems over the guy himself but not the situation. She seems very aware of how she is thinking and why she is doing what she's doing. She realizes she's not over that stuff, and hence why she wants to talk to a therapist about it because she's not able to shake it from her head. This stuff is especially affecting her considering the family strife it has caused ever since she told her mom about it.

But before we give you some Heart to Heart therapy; please share some of the TELLTALE SIGNS she COVERTLY gave you that this was about to occur.

There were EVENTS that took place previous to this break up. Do not tell us you were blind sided.

I honestly cannot think of any. I pay a lot of attention to those types of signs and there have been none. No drop in the attention she gives me, no drop in sexual availability, no change in behavior at all. Thinking back on other relationships where the girl ended it, there was evidence and i was stupid enough to ignore it. But no, not this time. We went to the Bronx zoo, took a ton of pictures of us both, she bought me ice cream at Friendly's and laughed over this book she bought then we cuddled up in her parent's hot tub saturday night with some wine and she was wrapped all over me looking me straight in the eyes saying she was falling in love with me. Lol. Sunday we drove home, she went out of her way to make sure we left in time to get home for playoff hockey since she knew i didn't want to miss it, then the next day after work she dropped this. I seriously cannot think of any signs no matter how much you are willing to brow beat me. Whatever her mom did/said to her on sunday as we were leaving must have set her off with whatever time bombs are in girls' heads.


I don't refute what you guys are saying. I just put this out there for a learning experience and to see your comments on it, and am giving my opinions and filling in any blanks I left in my story or correcting any assumptions any of you leapt to.

Now is the time to back off and feign indifference when you do run into her in the parking lot. She has set the agenda and you shouldn't resist it because it will drive her farther away and she'll lose respect for you. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

She will be trying to contact me. I don't doubt that at all. She'll stop over or call or email me at work or something. I am undecided on her fate as far as other uses but there will be no "us" again. Don't worry. I'll play it cool.

She hasn't really said we're "taking a break." She just said it was possible she'd want to be with me again when she takes care of this. I told her that is very very unlikely. As of now, as she says it, this is done. Whether she thinks she can work her way back in with me later, i do not know, but she hasn't asked for a "break."

Sounds to me like SHE IS HIDING A BIG BAD SECRET.

I'd love to know what. Being ashamed of yourself for being with a married man seems like a big enough secret already. She claims only like 4 people know about it. Me, her mom, and her 2 best friends...




I feel I need to reiterate again. I do not claim to be a DJ. I am not there yet. I may be weak, but I am improving and I am a man. I put this out there for some good old man support. I do not go through life completely unphased by women. I simply do not. I am far better than I used to be, but yeah, this stuff still sucks, but I know it's not the end of the world and the best solution is to keep on truckin and get more girls. It's a bit of a stumble in life, and I appreciate any help any of you has tried to give.

 

[mrRuckus]

Woman hate to be alone. Very rarely will a woman break up with a guy if she is alone. She probably has some guy on hold that is ready to fuk her brains out. Ignore her. Make her suffer. Punish her. If she loves you she will find away to be with you. You are the prize not her. Carry yourself as such.

I realize this but this girl is not the average bear. Hence why i started going out with only her. She is very, very intelligent and not the norm. And other girls have broken up with me without another guy around. I know this for certainty. The ones that do do this tend to be very intelligent.

I'm not claiming there's not another guy. But to me, it's very very unlikely. She's new here and doesn't know people. She doesn't even have female friends. She expects to be in touch with me still and there's no way she could hide a guy from me. She lives across the street! I can see her car from here. Hell I can see into her living room through her sliding glass door when i am in the parking lot. I have little doubt she will be going to therapy and that is her focus now.

 

[DannykDJ]

You have just learned the most painful truth about life. A truth which many men on this site have learned the hardest way possible just like you have. and that is is why so many men here are royally pissed off.

You are not promised anything in life even when it is promised to you.

Words are dirt cheap. When someone says "I love you" it doesn't really mean anything. People will look you right in the eyes and lie to you. This happens to both men and women. Everyone says go by actions and not words, but actions are only a tiny bit more reliable than words are.

The worst part about it is that you can't tell if they're sincere or not because in their mind they actually believe what they are saying at the time. There is no way to predict it or stop it other than not letting yourself care for that person, but by doing that you make it so the relationship can only grow so much. So you decide if it's worth the risk.

My ex told me she loved me first, and for 6 months after that told me she loved everyday. Then 2 months ago said she told me she didn't think she loved me anymore and wanted space.

Every man on this site has their own version of this happening. There is nothing you can do about it. This happens to guys in 5-9+ year relationships. Life has a very cruel sense of humor in this way as this happens to everyone no matter amazing you are with women. No matter how much you improve yourself and how many great qualities you have sometimes it's enough.

Everyone needs to remember that anytime someone says "I love you" there is an extremely real chance that tomorrow they could hate you or even worse not care about you.

 

[guru1000]

I'm not sure what she does know, but I met the mom this past weekend and my girlfriend swears her mom is acting weird towards her.

The girl who just took me to meet her parents 3 days prior. According to chicks this is a "big deal."

Whatever her mom did/said to her on sunday as we were leaving must have set her off with whatever time bombs are in girls' heads.

Bingo!

No other Events, other than this. Is she a close knit family girl?

 

[frivolousz21]

this is all about being the rebound.

thats all

 

[frivolousz21]

You have just learned the most painful truth about life. A truth which many men on this site have learned the hardest way possible just like you have. and that is is why so many men here are royally pissed off.

You are not promised anything in life even when it is promised to you.

Words are dirt cheap. When someone says "I love you" it doesn't really mean anything. People will look you right in the eyes and lie to you. This happens to both men and women. Everyone says go by actions and not words, but actions are only a tiny bit more reliable than words are.

The worst part about it is that you can't tell if they're sincere or not because in their mind they actually believe what they are saying at the time. There is no way to predict it or stop it other than not letting yourself care for that person, but by doing that you make it so the relationship can only grow so much. So you decide if it's worth the risk.

My ex told me she loved me first, and for 6 months after that told me she loved everyday. Then 2 months ago said she told me she didn't think she loved me anymore and wanted space.

Every man on this site has their own version of this happening. There is nothing you can do about it. This happens to guys in 5-9+ year relationships. Life has a very cruel sense of humor in this way as this happens to everyone no matter amazing you are with women. No matter how much you improve yourself and how many great qualities you have sometimes it's enough.

Everyone needs to remember that anytime someone says "I love you" there is an extremely real chance that tomorrow they could hate you or even worse not care about you.

dude, you sound extremely scorned...99 percent of women are DYING just DYING to LOVE AND RESPECT A REAL MAN

Sorry man...but chumps get walked on...

there is near full proof ways of living that ensure's your women will always love and respect you.

this crap happens to guys who do not look at the big picture.

it happened to me at 22 when I knocked up a church nut.

the OP KNEW HE WAS THE REBOUND AND JUST WROTE A LONG WINDED POST MUCH ADU ABOUT NOTHING.

HE IS THE REBOUND..ITS OVER..SHE USED HIM AND TRIED TO CARE FOR HIM..IT DIDN'T WORK.

But he knew and still dated her..thought it would be different.

guys here need to shake this negative mindset....that shyt happens to chumps and pyssys..

pick your women like you pick a house or a car...and then take care of it like you take care of a house and car.

you will up keep your house and car..but they are never more important than you.