xander said:
my gf is 20 yrs old and has no interest in sex she only wants it once in awhile..she tells me the story on how her past bfs wanted sex but because they didn't get any at all they break up..she works and is always stress and cranky.last night she told me don't expect any sex for awhile.. we used to do it 2 or 3 times a month but now its been a year and its getting down to once a month if im lucky.. so have any of you had a gf who just didn't like sex but over time started to like it.
I do not think that my advice will actually heal your relationship - but I do think that taking these actions may help you to see the true nature of the relationship challenge you are experiencing so you won't find yourself in it again
I think it may be a good idea if you move this relational concern into your "frame", as the men say here - and out of hers. (Hers initially sounds like she is a martyr for all these horrible men who just wanted to use her for sex - and when she wouldn't be willingly "victimized" by their desire- they broke up with her. (I hear it more as the real message subcommunicated is that you have been forewarned that she ALLOWED past boyfriends to LEAVE rather than be intimate with them - and she doesn't care if you are next inline to go. She has said you are, in essence, as sexually irrelevant to her as all the other "boyfriends" she has had. Ouch.)
Anyway, if you want to try to have an end to your pain, then a deadline is always important to have. Sometimes you can make a deadline for change & not tell your partner - as of course ultimately you want her to make changes out of love once you have expressed a concern - but in this case you've talked about it many times. I think it will be good for you to verbalize it so there is no "out" of responsibility for either one of you (mostly you, actually - as you are the man and should be leading the relationship and right now you aren't).
I suggest you start by saying that you have something very serious you want to talk with her about at a specific time later (for example: six tonight in the kitchen) make it a day long wait at least - you immediately are taking charge of the time and place. Do not tell her what it is about - just that there are a few important things you want to communicate about and six o'clock is the right time for you to have a conversation about them.
If she is discourteous and shows up late, leave to go do something else and tell her that you expect her to be on time the following night. You do not owe her an explanation of where you are going specifically - if she disrespects your relationship by being late when you have said you have something
important to you to talk about, remove yourself. Go somewhere and be good to yourself - a movie, a nice dinner, fishing - whatever a man does lol. Be gone until right before bed and "too tired to talk" about it. Do NOT be apologetic - be neutral and factual.
When you do talk, be direct and brief. Tell her that you have been reflecting on the past x months (whatever time length of your relationship) & there is one specific area that
you are not satisfied with. Tell her that you find not only the frequency of sex - but also the
quality of the sex itself unsatisfactory. (This may sound harsh, but it is time to make sure she needs to step-up or get out.)
Tell her that you have very real and genuine concerns about her health - both physical and emotional. Do NOT go into detail about
WHY. That is a TRAP to get into explaining
WHY. Or the trap of the ex-boyfriend line(Remember you both know why! but she can pick apart the why and "win" those arguments if she is manipulative or feels an ego investment. YOU MUST maintain the GOAL/FRAME of your conversation
So perhaps: "you have not only heard this from me, but your past boyfriends as well". I, for one, am not having this conversation with you again as we have talked about this too many times - this is the last chance I am giving you to address your low libido health issues. You have one month - 30 days - to go see a Medical Doctor, a psychiatrist, a relationship therapist - whatever you need to do to resolve why you have an abnormally low sex drive. This is a very REAL problem and I am not interested in being in a committed realtionship with
a woman who does not take careof herself and her health"
(THIS IS IMPERATIVE in your reframe - this is not about you being a pig or a dirty old man sex fiend, etc crap - this is now framed that she is failing to be the kind of woman you would want (which is true, isn't it? Don't you want a sexually healthy, loving, affectionate partner?)
Then tell her that she has one month - until July 18th (or whatever) to turn things around - permanently change her health in the area of her sexuality - or you will have to just become friends and end the romantic aspect of your relationship. Tell her that in 30 days you will either be in a renewed & vibrant, loving relationship with her - which is what you would like to see her do her part in creating with you -
or you will both sit at that same kitchen table and strategize exiting the relationship as far as the lease on the apartment, who gets the cat, or whatever.
If she decides to try to have sex with you right after this conversation - it is IMPORTANT that you kiss her, caress her, but do NOT go under her clothing or let her get under yours. Tell her she is being "absolutely adorable" (not "sexy" though - she needs to step that up - remember - you are reframing it that she is not enough for you - which is
true. btw) that you already committed to --- whatever --- helping a friend move--- going to check out a class at a Community College - whatever. Kiss her and then tell her you love her (this is if she tries to remedy it in the moment - so it does not feel like a rejection to her, but rather a postponement of the inevitable. You MUST have sex on
your terms if/when it does start happening again.)
I hope this doesn't come across as manipulative - it is just that it is soooo important that, as women, we have our legitimate needs met - and as women - we
cannot desire a man we do not respect and trust to lead. It is important that you place the needs of your relationship
before your sexual needs when she first "offers" you sex again. Unless of course she has gone to the loving work of cooking you a meal, wearing something pretty - really
making an effort to love you well - but do NOT just accept the shallow "fine, I will spread my legs and try not to complain just to shut you up" action she may try to string you along with.
Keep your eye on the prize - which is the longterm quality of your sexual/romantic life together.
Also, there is a chance that she will just say that this is just how she is & the problem is you... the weather... work... blah blah blah & will not make a commitment to change. At that point, go in the other room & bring out a notebook where you have already worked out the "business" of breaking up. (pro-actively because you are a Man & are prepared.)
The notebook should have the "exit strategy" to becoming "friends" in it. Remember - friends don't have sex - but boyfriend/girlfriend/Lovers do. It is just the way grown-ups relate. And it is okay to say so in a matter of fact way - don't be hateful though - afterall it is her right to not have sex with you - she doesn't
owe you. But if you are going to stay with a woman - you have your criteria & she just is missing the mark bigtime for you. It is okay that you are disappointed in the sexual aspect of your relationship - it
is disappointing - & would be to any other
healthy man).
You MUST be prepared to leave the relationship & not just pretend to be - this is imperative.
If she gets hateful & attacks you or becomes nasty, just say "I will not be spoken to this way" & leave for at least 3 hours. Do NOT take any of her calls - do not talk about it when you get back. YOU set when you will talk next (7:00 at the kitchen table - do not talk a on a bed, a sofa - this is the "business" of your relationship. This is the "work" of problem solving - this is past the point of loveydovey- this is serious & a
dealbreaker for you. Treat it that way.
She is not behaving in a sexually healthy way and you do not want to give your masculine sexual energy to a partner who does not appreciate the gift of your desire and passion. You want more for your life and your primary relationship -& it is important that she does whatever she needs to do start meeting you as a sexually healthy adult female, or you will have to just be friends with her.
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Now things I feel even more uncomfortable saying: are you good in bed? (
Don't answer that hahaha) It's just that there are some good threads on how to physically/sexually satisfy a woman on here - I can tell you that the first part of seduction is in our minds and in how we experience the way you as a Man move through the World - but to have us wanting you again after the first yielding - you must not only maintain the "leadership frame" outside the bedroom - but inside it as well. I don't know what all you do or do not do - but definitely, you should never be the same lover to her twice.
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Please remember that you are in this relationship to learn and grow and become a better man - and she is ultimately there to learn and grow, too. It would seem she has encountered other men who needed to learn that their need for physical love and intimacy - (as well as just good ole' raunchy sex lol)
is valid. And, in that, she may be one of the most valuable teachers you will have in your life. But at somepoint you will need to take the lesson life is serving you and take responsibilty for your own (sexual, physical, relational) happiness instead of wishing she would.