gf dont like sex..will she?

[xander]

my gf is 20 yrs old and has no interest in sex she only wants it once in awhile..she tells me the story on how her past bfs wanted sex but because they didn't get any at all they break up..she works and is always stress and cranky.last night she told me don't expect any sex for awhile.. we used to do it 2 or 3 times a month but now its been a year and its getting down to once a month if im lucky.. so have any of you had a gf who just didn't like sex but over time started to like it.

 

[KontrollerX]

Just next her already for christsakes.

I know you won't do that.

You won't do the right thing for yourself so I'll give you some more palatable advice.

Stay with her and put up with the scraps of intimacy she throws your way and begin looking for a new replacement on the side.

Once you have judged the new girl to be a secure branch sever all ties with your current girl.

 

[Warrior74]

She already told you the deal and you accepted it. You can't change it. It does what it says on the tin. NO SEX HERE. You signed up for that. Don't whine to us about it buddy.

Now that being said. She might have a low sex drive or have issues wiht intimacy. It's not your job to fix someone. Time and experience will either teach her, or not. You can't save her.

 

[mothballs]

Best you'll ever get back up to is 2-3 times a month.

I don't find that acceptable at all... sex is an important part of a relationship. You're gonna have to next her... or chop off your balls.

 

[Leporello]

I have a good female friend who is alot like your gf...and you sound alot like her bf.

Here's the thing: she's alot craftier than you. you are never ever going to 'trick' her into having sex with you 3-4 times a week. She's just going to keep stringing you along until you accept once a month as the norm.

If you're not pleasing each other than something is obviously wrong between the two of you. Have a serious talk with her or move on.

 

[changeherways]

unless you have the experience to open her up (and i doubt you do or you wouldn't be posting about this).... then this is what you get...

she's obviously low drive... and i'd be willing to bet she doesn't know what an orgasm feels like...

you say she's "always stress and cranky" - - - and she gives you 12 sexual experiences a year?

why are you with this woman? settled for the first one that would take you?

 

[PeeGee]

Why should you have to suffer for her inadequacies? Leave her for another and let her figure out her own problems. If she really is low drive it shouldn't bother her, so don't start thinking nexting her will 'teach' her what's up.

KontrollerX is spot on - start shopping and trade up

 

[scrouds]

What's funny is that she's playing games to get you into staying in the relationship by saying her previous boyfriend left cause he didn't get any.

Obviously you are better then her ex, right? If so, you'll stay.

I'm going to recommend something radical. Tell her you love her and you want to make the relationship work. But you have needs, and from now on, you're going to get some from more willing sources. Then tell her she needs to accept this arraingment or say goodbye.

 

[DonGorgon]

She does not like sex......with you.. move on.

 

[schttrj]

well...do something

don't even let her know that this is actually shaking you off balance. be the caring friend you have always been.

but do insinuate into her that you might be seeing other girls along her because you need it. you have been honest with her, she has been honest with you, great. you care for her, you like her, you are not living her, great. but then again, you have some physical needs and you want someone to fulfil that. if she is not the one, then might be someone else. you got it?

 

[Captain Harlock]

injecting testosterone in her ass every day could fix the problem.

 

[Phenomenal One]

What's funny is that she's playing games to get you into staying in the relationship by saying her previous boyfriend left cause he didn't get any.

Obviously you are better then her ex, right? If you, you'll stay.

That sounds familiar

The Myth of 'Other Guys'

This is perhaps the most dangerous AFC social convention.

We'd all like to think we're unique and special individuals. It's a comforting thought, but our uniqueness means nothing if it isn't appreciated. We'd all like to be beautiful, talented, intelligent and extrordinary in some way to some degree and have others notice these qualities unequivocally. This is the root for the Not Like Other Guys convention. The idea is that the AFC can and will be appreciated in a greater degree for his personal convictions and/or his greater ability to identify with women's stated prerequisites of a man by comparing himself to the nebulous Other Guys who are perceived not to. The intent is to, in essesence, self-generate social proof for attraction while substituting a real social element with perceived or reported social evidence. The fallacy in this schema is that it's always better to demonstrate social proof than to explicate it, but this is lost on the AFC adherent of this convention. This only becomes more compounded by the reinforcement he receives from other AFCs (and really society at large) sharing his desire to outshine the phantom Other Guys. He's patted on the back and praised by men and women alike for voluntarily molding his personality to better fit a woman's perceived ideal and told in so many words "oh AFC,..I'm so glad you're not like Other Guys."You can't fault the guy. He genuinely believes his Nice Guy personal conviction and everyone applauds him for it.

 

[Captain]

my gf is 20 yrs old and has no interest in sex she only wants it once in awhile

All women want sex, she just isn't being turned on enough, and is a little frigid.

she tells me the story on how her past bfs wanted sex but because they didn't get any at all they break up

She is disrespecting you by telling you that. Her ex boyfriends did exactly the right thing by ditching her.

she works and is always stress and cranky.last night she told me don't expect any sex for awhile..

Don't take this from her, leave. She isn't sexually attracted to you, for one reason or another.

so have any of you had a gf who just didn't like sex but over time started to like it.

Never, I wouldn't get in any kind of relationship with a frigid girl, or with one who I don't turn on.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

Sex, is what keeps our exsistance here. But, life is not just about sex.

Though, at the rate your having sex; isnt good. Only once a month - if your lucky? I'd say dump her and find a new girl.

 

[eaglez1177]

This chick isnt attracted to you at all. Next her.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Xander,
The brothers seem almost unanimous on this issue...three or four times a month?....forget about it,for a Woman like this,that would be a big deal.....Unless you are a masochist,move on Xander,don't even give it another thought.

 

[Kal0051]

once a month? wow, that's a bit ridiculous, so I'd say lose her.

 

[LovelyLady]

my gf is 20 yrs old and has no interest in sex she only wants it once in awhile..she tells me the story on how her past bfs wanted sex but because they didn't get any at all they break up..she works and is always stress and cranky.last night she told me don't expect any sex for awhile.. we used to do it 2 or 3 times a month but now its been a year and its getting down to once a month if im lucky.. so have any of you had a gf who just didn't like sex but over time started to like it.

I do not think that my advice will actually heal your relationship - but I do think that taking these actions may help you to see the true nature of the relationship challenge you are experiencing so you won't find yourself in it again

I think it may be a good idea if you move this relational concern into your "frame", as the men say here - and out of hers. (Hers initially sounds like she is a martyr for all these horrible men who just wanted to use her for sex - and when she wouldn't be willingly "victimized" by their desire- they broke up with her. (I hear it more as the real message subcommunicated is that you have been forewarned that she ALLOWED past boyfriends to LEAVE rather than be intimate with them - and she doesn't care if you are next inline to go. She has said you are, in essence, as sexually irrelevant to her as all the other "boyfriends" she has had. Ouch.)

Anyway, if you want to try to have an end to your pain, then a deadline is always important to have. Sometimes you can make a deadline for change & not tell your partner - as of course ultimately you want her to make changes out of love once you have expressed a concern - but in this case you've talked about it many times. I think it will be good for you to verbalize it so there is no "out" of responsibility for either one of you (mostly you, actually - as you are the man and should be leading the relationship and right now you aren't).


I suggest you start by saying that you have something very serious you want to talk with her about at a specific time later (for example: six tonight in the kitchen) make it a day long wait at least - you immediately are taking charge of the time and place. Do not tell her what it is about - just that there are a few important things you want to communicate about and six o'clock is the right time for you to have a conversation about them.

If she is discourteous and shows up late, leave to go do something else and tell her that you expect her to be on time the following night. You do not owe her an explanation of where you are going specifically - if she disrespects your relationship by being late when you have said you have something important to you to talk about, remove yourself. Go somewhere and be good to yourself - a movie, a nice dinner, fishing - whatever a man does lol. Be gone until right before bed and "too tired to talk" about it. Do NOT be apologetic - be neutral and factual.

When you do talk, be direct and brief. Tell her that you have been reflecting on the past x months (whatever time length of your relationship) & there is one specific area that you are not satisfied with. Tell her that you find not only the frequency of sex - but also the quality of the sex itself unsatisfactory. (This may sound harsh, but it is time to make sure she needs to step-up or get out.)

Tell her that you have very real and genuine concerns about her health - both physical and emotional. Do NOT go into detail about WHY. That is a TRAP to get into explaining WHY. Or the trap of the ex-boyfriend line(Remember you both know why! but she can pick apart the why and "win" those arguments if she is manipulative or feels an ego investment. YOU MUST maintain the GOAL/FRAME of your conversation

So perhaps: "you have not only heard this from me, but your past boyfriends as well". I, for one, am not having this conversation with you again as we have talked about this too many times - this is the last chance I am giving you to address your low libido health issues. You have one month - 30 days - to go see a Medical Doctor, a psychiatrist, a relationship therapist - whatever you need to do to resolve why you have an abnormally low sex drive. This is a very REAL problem and I am not interested in being in a committed realtionship with a woman who does not take careof herself and her health"

(THIS IS IMPERATIVE in your reframe - this is not about you being a pig or a dirty old man sex fiend, etc crap - this is now framed that she is failing to be the kind of woman you would want (which is true, isn't it? Don't you want a sexually healthy, loving, affectionate partner?)

Then tell her that she has one month - until July 18th (or whatever) to turn things around - permanently change her health in the area of her sexuality - or you will have to just become friends and end the romantic aspect of your relationship. Tell her that in 30 days you will either be in a renewed & vibrant, loving relationship with her - which is what you would like to see her do her part in creating with you - or you will both sit at that same kitchen table and strategize exiting the relationship as far as the lease on the apartment, who gets the cat, or whatever.

If she decides to try to have sex with you right after this conversation - it is IMPORTANT that you kiss her, caress her, but do NOT go under her clothing or let her get under yours. Tell her she is being "absolutely adorable" (not "sexy" though - she needs to step that up - remember - you are reframing it that she is not enough for you - which is true. btw) that you already committed to --- whatever --- helping a friend move--- going to check out a class at a Community College - whatever. Kiss her and then tell her you love her (this is if she tries to remedy it in the moment - so it does not feel like a rejection to her, but rather a postponement of the inevitable. You MUST have sex on your terms if/when it does start happening again.)

I hope this doesn't come across as manipulative - it is just that it is soooo important that, as women, we have our legitimate needs met - and as women - we cannot desire a man we do not respect and trust to lead. It is important that you place the needs of your relationship before your sexual needs when she first "offers" you sex again. Unless of course she has gone to the loving work of cooking you a meal, wearing something pretty - really making an effort to love you well - but do NOT just accept the shallow "fine, I will spread my legs and try not to complain just to shut you up" action she may try to string you along with.

Keep your eye on the prize - which is the longterm quality of your sexual/romantic life together.


Also, there is a chance that she will just say that this is just how she is & the problem is you... the weather... work... blah blah blah & will not make a commitment to change. At that point, go in the other room & bring out a notebook where you have already worked out the "business" of breaking up. (pro-actively because you are a Man & are prepared.)

The notebook should have the "exit strategy" to becoming "friends" in it. Remember - friends don't have sex - but boyfriend/girlfriend/Lovers do. It is just the way grown-ups relate. And it is okay to say so in a matter of fact way - don't be hateful though - afterall it is her right to not have sex with you - she doesn't owe you. But if you are going to stay with a woman - you have your criteria & she just is missing the mark bigtime for you. It is okay that you are disappointed in the sexual aspect of your relationship - it is disappointing - & would be to any other healthy man).

You MUST be prepared to leave the relationship & not just pretend to be - this is imperative.

If she gets hateful & attacks you or becomes nasty, just say "I will not be spoken to this way" & leave for at least 3 hours. Do NOT take any of her calls - do not talk about it when you get back. YOU set when you will talk next (7:00 at the kitchen table - do not talk a on a bed, a sofa - this is the "business" of your relationship. This is the "work" of problem solving - this is past the point of loveydovey- this is serious & a dealbreaker for you. Treat it that way.

She is not behaving in a sexually healthy way and you do not want to give your masculine sexual energy to a partner who does not appreciate the gift of your desire and passion. You want more for your life and your primary relationship -& it is important that she does whatever she needs to do start meeting you as a sexually healthy adult female, or you will have to just be friends with her.


*

Now things I feel even more uncomfortable saying: are you good in bed? (Don't answer that hahaha) It's just that there are some good threads on how to physically/sexually satisfy a woman on here - I can tell you that the first part of seduction is in our minds and in how we experience the way you as a Man move through the World - but to have us wanting you again after the first yielding - you must not only maintain the "leadership frame" outside the bedroom - but inside it as well. I don't know what all you do or do not do - but definitely, you should never be the same lover to her twice.

*

Please remember that you are in this relationship to learn and grow and become a better man - and she is ultimately there to learn and grow, too. It would seem she has encountered other men who needed to learn that their need for physical love and intimacy - (as well as just good ole' raunchy sex lol) is valid. And, in that, she may be one of the most valuable teachers you will have in your life. But at somepoint you will need to take the lesson life is serving you and take responsibilty for your own (sexual, physical, relational) happiness instead of wishing she would.

 

[sodbuster]

I can't believe you are still there.I'd expect it 12 times a month at least, and I can do better than you are WITHOUT being in a relationship[or putting up with a crabby woman] Some good advice here,try to follow it-or join a monastary

 

[Smack]

The solution to the problem is to get rid of the problem, i.e. the frigid b!tch that you unfortunately call your girlfriend. She has an abnormally low sex drive, or more likely is getting it from someone else. Whatever, it doesn't really matter which one it is; all that does matter is your lack of sex. Ditch the b!tch.