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Getting into a fight with a Chick's Abusive BF.

Ragin_Asian

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I got with my enemy's gf. Now it going down.

I recently made out with this girl at the club and later found out that she is STILL going out with this guy I previously had a fight with. I knew they were dating before and had assumed they weren't together cos of stories I was told by her friends and heaps of guys were going for her. But that wasn't the reason why I hooked up with her. I'm pretty sure she initiated things and knew this girl would never cheat as I have known her for a long time before I left town. So I didn't think it woulda ended up like that at the club. I could almost tell that the first time she seen me at the club, she almost lit up and knew somethings about to happen.

So yea I made out with her after she grabbed me for a dance. (shes pretty hot and no doubt would do her if she was single) I really thought she was single and it's not in my nature to steal anyones gf. So yea as I didn't know, I just went out and kept on making out with her then. Now I found out shes still with him, it is for sure that things will get heated up and me and him will have to fight it out since we are fiery enemies for years. He's a psycho and beats her up and although that's none of my business, that just indicates how violent he is. Words travel fast and he will know soon what happened and he will be after me in no time.

The thing is I've already fought this guy 2 years ago and I won the fight fair and square. He was left in a bloody mess while I only had a broken hand. This happened because he tried to run me over with his 4WD (SUV) and approached me (I stood my ground and defended myself). The fight started because he acted on a rumour about me dissing him even though it wasnt true. Now it's not my nature to pick fights but I can go all out and break him if I wanted to but its been a while since I was in a fight and in top condition. These days I just stay away from it and prefer a peaceful way if it could be avoided.

I dont like to be getting into fights as I want to lead a better lifestyle but I dont think this one could be avoided and it's only gonna get worse if I dont shut him down. But then again I made out with his girl and that's gonna fuel his rage. I'm suppose to be a on chillin and relaxing break from uni. I could start getting ready and train and even bulk up just to be cautious. I know I could shut him down but I dont want things to get ugly. I got braces now and have mouthguards but I dont want to take risks.

I'd appreciate any advice given to this situation. I need help ASAP before I start thinking with my fists rather than common sense.
 
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Ragin_Asian

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Sometimes I wish I had a different user name.....

It's not the fact that I can beat him and making him bleed. I may win the fight but I may lose out on many things ie police record, making this a bigger deal than it is, f*ck up my braces etc.

I just want to be smart about it rather showing off whos got a bigger ego.
 

Wyldfire

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If you beat him last time he's probably going to be hesitant about getting into it with you again. I'd be more concerned about what he's going to do to the girl. It's more likely that he'll take out his anger on her, and I suspect she's far less able to protect herself than you are.
 

Ragin_Asian

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Yea I beat him last time yet he told everyone he beat me. I'm not sure if he is hesitant to make a move. He's psycho and no doubt he will beat her up then come after me. I dunno what to do in this situation. I kinda like her but not that much though I prefer that she don't have to suffer because of what happen. I don't want to put my nose in it cos it will be harder for her. I dont know whether I should try and protect her. I dont know if its smart to become a hero at this point.

I'm only in town until mid-feb so I can't really do much. I'm just keeping out of trouble and just trust her to be able to get herself out of any strife and be strong enough to leave him. They been on and off for over 2 years and they've been fighting all of the time.

He's the type of guy who would "hit first, ask questions later", a real dumbass and hardly no one likes him. I've got back up in case he brings weapons on me but if its one on one I'll be able to handle myself.
 

Wyldfire

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Okay...I'm going to share a personal bit of information with you because it's relevent to your situation. My first serious relationship was with an abusive alcoholic with Borderline Personality Disorder. Unfortunately, at only 18 (being naive, stupid and clueless about what I wanted) I married the jacka$$. He used to beat the slobbering snots out of me. I assure you that the girl will not only bear the brunt of his anger and violence, but any further contact you have with her on with him or anyone else on her behalf is just going to make it worse for her. When I was involved in the volatile, co-dependent relationship, it provided a rather twisted need I had at the time. The same is true of any woman who stays with someone who beats on them. No one can help her until she gets to the point where she is ready to help herself and leave. Trying to offer any help to her will only suck the life out of you and fuel their screwed up relationship.

My advice to you, as someone who lived in the same twisted, sick world this girl lives in and sorted out the why's and grew beyond them to never be in another abusive relationship...

Don't EVER attempt to "rescue" a woman in this kind of situation in any way. It will only backfire. In fact, relationships with women who have been abused are difficult and draining at best...UNLESS they have come to terms with their co-dependency and have moved beyond the need to constantly, incessantly and repeatedly test you and partake in self-sabotage.

Keep your distance and understand that this girl is most likely not going to be appropriate dating or relationship material for a good, long time...if ever.
 

Ragin_Asian

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Wyldfire, spot on there with the advice. I had a feeling that would be the case. It is a wasted effort to try rescue this girl but that wasn't really on my agenda. I didn't get with this girl to piss him off nor to pursue something serious with her. It was just a random club thing and things are about to get worse.

I am just hoping that she would wake up from this and stop putting up with his sh*t. Thats her problem not mine I dont want to get involved with her relationship.

This guy she is with is like my archenemy for a long time now. Our beef with each other is way, way bigger than whats going between me and this girl. He will just use this club incident as fuel to start up another fight with me. I think this girl is just collateral damage dragged in with me and this guy's issues. He got it in for me bigtime and he's just flexing his muscle and picking on the small guys. He feels powerful just to prove that he above someone else. I just happen to stand up for myself even tho I was a small guy.

The only time I would pursue this girl is when shes aint going out with him and gotten over him and if shes living in the same town as me without him around. She used to see my best friend and she seems nice and fun. I like her a lil bit and it's just a freak occurence that shes with my enemy.
 

Blue Phoenix

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Originally posted by Wyldfire
My first serious relationship was with an abusive alcoholic with Borderline Personality Disorder.
:eek:

Jesus, a survivor of Bpds craziness. I´m sure you matured a lot with this experience, despite the bad sides. Uh?
 

Deep Dish

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Raging Asian,

Women who were abused will seek out chaos in their life. They will be attracted to chaotic, abusive, individuals and to chaotic, abusive, situations. They need chaos in their life and will find normality too boring; their instincts for what's hot and what's not are off-kilter; they will be irresistably be attracted to guys who are either abusive or unavailable. (Eventually they will grow tired and seek out a nice guy, but then they will sabotage the relationship, such as cheating.)

Just to let you know who you made out with and perhaps why. You've not expressed desire to be with her, so good for you.
Wyldfire:
My first serious relationship was with an abusive alcoholic with Borderline Personality Disorder. [...] When I was involved in the volatile, co-dependent relationship, it provided a rather twisted need I had at the time.
Something I have always wondered: were you abused?
 

Wyldfire

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Originally posted by Blue Phoenix
:eek:

Jesus, a survivor of Bpds craziness. I´m sure you matured a lot with this experience, despite the bad sides. Uh?
lol...BPD craziness is an understatement. I honestly wish I had of known he had that years and years ago...it would have explained a lot. I stepped into that insanity at just 18 years old. Talk about a nightmarish ride.

My salvation was Al Anon...I discovered that and it made me see and understand things about myself that I never realized before. It led me to leave and never look back. I'm proud to say that I have never gotten involved with another abusive man since I left the ex husband. I was married in 1984 and got divorced in 1994. Most women who have been abused do repeat the pattern over and over again. I was lucky that I found something that saved me from becoming just another statistic. The fact that I am able to take responsibility for being a moron and staying all those years makes a difference, too. Most victims of domestic violence stay victims all their lives. I chose to be a survivor and put that sh*t behind me, and I've been very successful in doing so.
 

Wyldfire

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Originally posted by Deep Dish
Raging Asian,

Women who were abused will seek out chaos in their life. They will be attracted to chaotic, abusive, individuals and to chaotic, abusive, situations. They need chaos in their life and will find normality too boring; their instincts for what's hot and what's not are off-kilter; they will be irresistably be attracted to guys who are either abusive or unavailable. (Eventually they will grow tired and seek out a nice guy, but then they will sabotage the relationship, such as cheating.)

Just to let you know who you made out with and perhaps why. You've not expressed desire to be with her, so good for you.Something I have always wondered: were you abused?
As for the first paragraph in your post...in most cases, you're right. Some women who have been abused manage to get their fill and learn from it the first time around and never go for those kind of men again. I was one of the lucky ones, but unfortunately, I'm the exception, not the norm.

As for your question...I said in one of my posts that I was abused by my ex husband, and the level of abuse goes far beyond just being hit. I was raped, burned and essentially tormented for a full decade. He even threw me down cellar stairs when I was pregnant and caused a miscarriage. I will say that I never lost my "fight"...and I didn't allow him to "break" me. I snapped out of it one day after being in Al Anon for about 3 or 4 months. I was looking in the mirror and I asked myself if this was what I wanted to teach my children. If I wanted my sons to abuse women or for my daughter to be abused. I didn't want my children to think this was what "love" looked like. I packed up what I could carry and the kids and went to a shelter for 10 days and then we got on a train and rode a day and a half to where I am now. I met and fell in love with someone who treated me with respect, love and kindness and have never gotten involved with anyone else abusive since I left 11 years ago. I can spot a woman beater a mile away and I avoid them like the plague. I have no urge to re-live that crap.

I never did the self-sabotage thing. I don't like negatively charged relationships and don't bring that into a relationship, either. I was able to figure out exactly what that sick need was that I got fulfilled from being abused at the time that I left. I'm certain that has a lot to do with how that part of my past doesn't affect my other relationships since then. Basically, growing up, my family didn't ever show emotions. My parents were not affection with each other or with myself and my sisters. When I met my ex we had the most powerful passion, all negative, of course...and for the first time I was able to express those repressed emotions. I needed to do that, I suppose. It made me "feel alive". Once I realized this way back when, I no longer needed the volatile relationship anymore.

So...yeah...from 18-28 I was pretty messed up. I overcame it, used it as an opportunity to learn and grow as a human being and despite the fact that it was pure hell...I came out of it quite well and am a better, wiser person because of it. I've also helped a few other women break the cycle in their lives by using what I learned in examining my own situation.
 

GirlCrazy

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The highest form of combat is not having to fight at all. A good fighter will exploit his opponent's physical weakness to win the fight. A GREAT fighter will exploit his opponent's emotional weakness to avoid the fight in the first place.

Some examples:

-- That cholo gang member giving you hassle? He was probably raised with a strict Catholic upbrining. Start talking to him about Jesus and he will fold. Careful he doesn't hug you.

-- That very large Samoan guy giving you hassle? His mom is probably ashamed that he uses violence to solve his problems. She raised him better than that.

-- The guy who wants to look tough in front of his friends? Let him look tough. Give him his ego and let him call you a pvssy, content in the knowledge that you could wipe the floor with him if it came to that.

Also:

Why put yourself in a position of conflict? Does kissing some psycho guy's girlfriend inflate your ego? Was that a way to get back at him for your previous beef?

If you've already beaten him in a fight, chances are if you spoke with him one on one (without his friends around) he would end the beef between you two. Give him a way to save face. Tell him you're sorry and that it was all a big misunderstanding.
 

Spike_the_Dragon

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It takes a real pu$$y to beat on a woman... and it takes a really stupid woman to put up with it.

Wyldfire is correct (as much as I hate to say it). You can't stick your neck out for this chick. About three years ago I tried to help a friend of mine who was being abused by her husband. I asked if she needed my help one day, but she pretended not to hear what I said and simply changed the subject.

A few days later she called me up barely able to speak because she was screaming and crying. I hung up the phone, asked a friend of mine to come back me up, and then we went over to her house. As soon as we got out of the truck we could hear loud screams and other sounds of total chaos comming from within the house. We kinda just looked at each other for a minute unable to believe what we were hearing. My friend went to grab his baseball bat and I walked up and knocked on the door.

The woman, we'll call her Crystal, opened the door and then walked to the back of the house without saying a word. Her Husband was sitting in the kitchen drinking a pepsi. I took a seat and started trying to talk him down (he was suicidal). I was doing a pretty good job of calming him down when Crystal came in and started throwing a temper tantrum. She was yelling, then he started yelling, and before I knew it she was screaming that she was going to leave him for me. She started talking about how I was a 'real man' and how he was a little 'pansy'!:confused:

He looked at me and asked "Are you ****ing my wife?"

"No sir, I'm not." I said (and I didn't, for the record).

He started to get really red in the face, turned around and grabbed a steak knife from the kitchen counter and started pointing it at me, saying a bunch of crap I can't even remember now. My friend (who had been waiting on the porch the whole time) came in wielding his baseball bat and we both jumped him.

Crystal started screaming to leave him alone, but the guy wouldn't stop fighting so I started kicking him in the face. She left the room and came back with a gun and told us to leave him alone or she was gonna kill us both. We backed off and I started trying to talk her into putting the gun down. Her husband started crying like a little girl and apologised for pouring gass on her roses (WTF?). He was crying, then she started crying, and before we knew it they were both on the floor embracing one another... the gun still in her hand. My friend said that if her husband got a hold of that weapon we would both be ****ed, so we left and that was that.

Anyways, those two become closer than ever and I became their worst enemy. I moved away not too long after that.:(
 
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Centaurion

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Getting into fights is retarded, getting into figths OVER chicks is so ****ing retarded that you should be taken out in the forrest and shot just for thinking/considering it.

NO girl is worth it.
 

Ragin_Asian

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First let me clear up a few misunderstandings.

1. I am NOT fighting over this girl.

2. I did NOT get with her to piss him off. That's stupid. I didn't know they were together.

3. I am not trying to rescue her. That's like buying a car that needs so many repairs so it could be roadworthy meanwhile you could have bought a car that's ready to go. Get it??? I'm not getting involve with those two. I said I found her a lil bit attractive I didn't say I want to rescue her and ride away into the sunset. No way in the world I'd stick my neck out for her. I already knew the story with girls on abusive relationship. It's sad but I aint having that on my plate.

4. This guy is unreasonable and cant sort it out without getting out of line. How can a guy who hits his girl and tries to run me over be reasonable. This guy offered me out when NOBODY was around so he aint trying to show off or anything. He loves to intimidate.

5. I've already said I don't want to fight if I DON"T HAVE TO. But in this situation I can't avoid it unless I run away and hide like a *****. I have no choice but to put him in place IF he gets out of line. I've been bullied for years when I was young and because I was told to not fight back and I aint putting up with it any longer. I'm staying away from trouble and want to lay low. Making out with her was nice but it was a mistake and I can admit that and I regret it for the fact that it will make things harder for her.

CENTAURION - Yes getting into fights is retarded. I am saying that I will DEFEND myself and shut him down if he attacks me. Get real, sometimes some things can't be avoided and you gotta tackle it head on or else its always going to chase you around and they will gain the upper hand since you bailed like a *****. BUT if i explain to him what happend and that I dont want to fight and if he pipes down, then its water under the bridge.

Originally posted by Centaurion
Getting into fights is retarded, getting into figths OVER chicks is so ****ing retarded that you should be taken out in the forrest and shot just for thinking/considering it.

NO girl is worth it.
Don't be a fool with outlandish comments. Read my post thoroughly first before coming out with hero remarks.

By the way I appreciate all ya inputs and real life experience especially the one and only Wyldfire, your a tuff one.
 

Wyldfire

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Ragin Asian, I don't think the responses are all intended for you. It doesn't sound to me like you're trying to "rescue" this girl. However, there are lots and lots of guys who read these boards and some will find themselves in a similar situation. The advice given is for those guys, too. This is a big enough issue for enough people that those kinds of responses are called for...even if you're handling the situation properly.

Yeah, I'm pretty tough, and have been through a lot. But hey, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and wiser. Dealing with issues like this is much easier when you look at hardships as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person, and that's what I do. That is a good way to deal with things because it allows you to "unpack" all your "emotional baggage" right away instead of carrying it around with you and using it to smack others over the head with it.
 

Centaurion

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No need to get your panties in a twist.

Originally posted by Ragin_Asian
I may win the fight but I may lose out on many things ie police record, making this a bigger deal than it is, f*ck up my braces etc.

I just want to be smart about it rather showing off whos got a bigger ego.
You said it yourself man. If you fight him you could be ****ed in the long run. It's just not worth worth fighting over a ho that likes to get slapped, most of them are nutjobs (read spike's post). Best thing is to just let it go, distance yourself from that ho and never ever talk to her again. And how old are you? You live in a ghetto or something? Cause all that 'loosing face' crap is just that, crap. It takes the better man to just walk away (this might really upset the panties of some of the wannnabe DJs here!). I'm not saying that you should be a pvssy for the rest of your life, just that you should known when you are fighting for a lost cause. What will you gain from fighting him? Fighting is cool when you are in thrid grade, not anymore.
 

check_mate_kid_uk

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i dont like fights for 1 reason, sure you can win, but then he will get his mates to jump you. It does not matter if you have more mates them him, hes going to catch you off guard sometime, you are not going to be with your mates 24/7 and who syas he needs freinds to beat you up, if he ambushes you with a baseball bat, theres not a lot you can do.
 

Ragin_Asian

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I've distanced myself from this girl since I knew she was still with him. I'm kinda angry at her cos she knew me and him got issues and she still went on with it. I dont want any part of it.

I did boxing and kickboxing and believe it or not, it makes you aware of many situations and MORE likely stay away from fights. It makes you wiser and I'd wanna stay away from fights unless the other dude starts swingin.

I have walked away from many fights before and most of time I've been hit from behind or the back of the head. It's crazy. Some people just dont understand that if you dont want to fight then why can't they just let it ride?? I've also seen situations where this guy says hes backing down only to sneakily pipe up and start swingin.

Check mate kid uk, that's what I'm afraid of but I just want to be cautious. I don't want to fight anymore but if it's gonna be an extreme case ie trying to run me over, attacking me or my friends then I'll have to do something about it. I'm most likely better off going to the police if he tries to run me over cos hes done it before.

Centaurion, apologies for my previous post. The only cause I will be fighting for is my right not to get busted up. I dont want to fight him or get his girl. Im just trying to have a good time on my holidays without hurting anybody. Basically if a guy just pushes you too far when you are trying to reason with him would you just stand there do nothing? If he starts hitting you first then would you just walk away while hes on your back or pulls out a weapon?? Trust me I've got better things to do than fighting but there's many incidents where some people just can't accept no. I've had knives pulled on me while I was reasoning with one guy and the only way I had to fix it was to disarm him. I've walked away only to be jumped from behind. Some people are downright foolish sometimes. I've never hit first on a fight and never will. I will never get into a fight unless I'm in real danger. I only hit to stop the other guy from hitting me. Im not a big guy and he's only looking for a quick victory to inflate his ego.

Trust me guys, I'll be staying away from fights. I'd rather be doing DJ field reports rather than posting about fighting. I guess living in a town of violence and a lot of friends who have a violent history does have an influence. A friend last week got jumped while he was reasoning with a guy and telling him he don't want any trouble. My friend got sent to the hospital that night.

Now this is my question...How should I deal with him if he confronts me. What if he starts swinging by surprise? What if he tracks me down and just totally cramp my lifestyle from hiding and running? What if he runs the intimidation game on me for the whole time Im in town? I could end all this by shutting him down but I want to find a wiser and sensible way of diffusing the situation calmly.
 

Wyldfire

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Well, you should try to walk away from a fight if you can...but if the a$$ swings at you first, knock him out and then go on with your life.
 
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