Getting Back Together

[The Duke]

When you have broken up with a girl and then decided to get back together, was it ever successful the next attempt? I'm not talking about relationships < 3 months.

I've done it a few times and it never lasted for long. The same problems we had with each other were still present for the 2nd and 3rd try. Even though we were aware of each others shortcomings/issues/etc that caused tension, they were things that were rooted so deep that likely would never change. OR if they did, the old ways would creep back in.

Experience has taught me that its best to try and resolve your differences and if it still doesn't work, then its done forever. You need to end it. Typically you just prolong things.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

yes.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Is this something you’re dealing with now? If it is, can you discuss a little on what your specific details are?

I am dealing with this, and it’s not going well at all. I don’t have much time right now to elaborate.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Nope...I won't do it anymore. If we break up it's done for good.

I also let them know that at some point too during a convo where it makes sense to bring that up and I make sure she knows I am dead ass about it too.

If I wasn't worth trying to communicate with prior then I am not worth communicating with after.

She can get gone.

 

[SW15]

I've done it a few times and it never lasted for long. The same problems we had with each other were still present for the 2nd and 3rd try. Even though we were aware of each others shortcomings/issues/etc that caused tension, they were things that were rooted so deep that likely would never change. OR if they did, the old ways would creep back in.

Rooting through garbage

HELP! I ****ed up big time and I want her back! How do I get her back? Easily one of the most common questions I’ve fielded at SoSuave over the past 7 years has been some variation of “…

therationalmale.com

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.

It's not worth the effort of trying to re-kindle a past failed romantic relationship. As both @The Duke and Rollo Tomassi mention, the same issues that caused the initial failure will re-emerge and cause a 2nd or 3rd failure.

There might be a time in the future many months or even 1 year + after a breakup where a pleasant conversation between you and your ex could happen. I wouldn't push for it because that's the kind of women that women tend to like to get peace and closure. For men, it's better to move on and move forward.

Never get back with an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife.

 

[parabellum]

Exceptional circumstances.

 

[Sega Genesis]

I think it's possible but it requires allowing yourselves to be truly 100% vulnerable, discussing the issues that broke you up and essentially being real with each other.

No games, no red pill, blue pill, black pill, NO facades.

Just 100% real.

If you're both willing to do that, and committed to true authenticity, I think it can work.

Is it a risk? Absolutely. But if you truly care and I know that can be scary for some people, the reward is worth the risk, imo.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Rooting through garbage

HELP! I ****ed up big time and I want her back! How do I get her back? Easily one of the most common questions I’ve fielded at SoSuave over the past 7 years has been some variation of “…

therationalmale.com

It's not worth the effort of trying to re-kindle a past failed romantic relationship. As both @The Duke and Rollo Tomassi mention, the same issues that caused the initial failure will re-emerge and cause a 2nd or 3rd failure.

There might be a time in the future many months or even 1 year + after a breakup where a pleasant conversation between you and your ex could happen. I wouldn't push for it because that's the kind of women that women tend to like to get peace and closure. For men, it's better to move on and move forward.

Never get back with an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife.

The problem with iron rule 7 to me is that I don’t give a fvck what anyone thinks about me, so the dirty laundry thing doesn’t really matter in my thought process. I don’t think it should matter in anyone else’s either. People are frequently wrong, say what they need to further their own narrative etc.

 

[plumber]

Women do not leave the man they are in love with. Men do not leave women that are in love with them; usually.

If its a business arrangement then sure, just renegotiate.

 

[Ricky]

I had a girl i dated for 3 years. She broke up with me first at 6 months, i thought it was done for good so didn’t pursue and she came back to me within the month. We were then together another year and at the 1.5 year mark she broke up and i felt like it was great because i had joined this community so used the time to meet other women. She came back once again maybe within a few weeks.

We were together 3 years and i initiated the final breakup. I knew i couldn’t marry her as we would not have a successful marriage. She wanted me back for years and I just couldn’t.

so 2 breakups initiated by her and the third and final one by me. She was a good girlfriend, sex was great but she was emotionally volatile and not easy to deal with.

some aspects of it were the ideal relationship. This was the pre smart phone era. I would see her on friday and saturday nights which she worked as a waitress: she would get off work and we went to her place and had sex and i spent the night.

i might talk to her on the phone a night or two during the week but the rest of time i focused on my work or grad school. It was great.

 

[Baibars]

I had a girl i dated for 3 years. She broke up with me first at 6 months, i thought it was done for good so didn’t pursue and she came back to me within the month. We were then together another year and at the 1.5 year mark she broke up and i felt like it was great because i had joined this community so used the time to meet other women. She came back once again maybe within a few weeks.

We were together 3 years and i initiated the final breakup. I knew i couldn’t marry her as we would not have a successful marriage. She wanted me back for years and I just couldn’t.

so 2 breakups initiated by her and the third and final one by me. She was a good girlfriend, sex was great but she was emotionally volatile and not easy to deal with.

some aspects of it were the ideal relationship. This was the pre smart phone era. I would see her on friday and saturday nights which she worked as a waitress: she would get off work and we went to her place and had sex and i spent the night.

i might talk to her on the phone a night or two during the week but the rest of time i focused on my work or grad school. It was great.

That’s what annoys me the most and I stopped dealing with that bs behavior after a certain age.
if she wants you or at least wants to fix things she will cooperate, she will not act extremely emotional and especially no breakups. Everything will be fixable if she wants it but all that drama is so unnecessary

 

[Ricky]

That’s what annoys me the most and I stopped dealing with that bs behavior after a certain age.
if she wants you or at least wants to fix things she will cooperate, she will not act extremely emotional and especially no breakups. Everything will be fixable if she wants it but all that drama is so unnecessary

I have been out of the dating game for awhile as i have been with the same women since 2006 and married since 2009. I know that in the time i had that relationship 2001-2004, breaking up and getting together was not an unusual thing for relationships. It was before internet dating was popular and there were no apps.

i am not really certain how the dynamic has been in the more recent era. Is there an illusion of great abundance due to apps that people cant see the utility in getting back together after a breakup? Not sure

 

[Vanderdonck]

I've never done it. Have heard of it happening, so it's possible of course. Usually there's some blue pill component for it to have happened.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

My last relationship, we broke up and got back together three times, and remained friends after that for about a year, until she finally cut me off for good. In hindsight, when she broke up with me the first time, I wish I went 'no contact' for good.

 

[Giovanni SouthSide]

If I dumped her or it ended peacefully, then a few carefully spaced out drought-busting booty calls is what I call unfinished business and is all that’s safe to do in a time of feast or famine.
If you can ice out feelings then you straight.

Getting back together is off the table due to the thought of her being back in the wilderness.

 

[DJ Novice]

The only times I’ve gotten back with an ex is purely for the s*x (assuming they are open to it, many are not) and I have no other live options.

I have tried being friends and spending non-s*xual time with exes but just didn’t enjoy it. The lack of potential s*xual opportunity just didn’t do anything for me. It just felt like a waste of time. Plus there’s also usually some residual feelings on both sides which can make things awkward.

I regard every relationship as a book. Once you finish a book, you know the plot, the characters and how the story plays out, it doesn’t change.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to start reading new books or keep rereading old books. There is comfort in old books but also familiarity, predictability and boredom. New books are the complete opposite.

 

[Westminster]

The only times I’ve gotten back with an ex is purely for the s*x (assuming they are open to it, many are not) and I have no other live options.

I have tried being friends and spending non-s*xual time with exes but just didn’t enjoy it. The lack of potential s*xual opportunity just didn’t do anything for me. It just felt like a waste of time. Plus there’s also usually some residual feelings on both sides which can make things awkward.

I regard every relationship as a book. Once you finish a book, you know the plot, the characters and how the story plays out, it doesn’t change.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to start reading new books or keep rereading old books. There is comfort in old books but also familiarity, predictability and boredom. New books are the complete opposite.

I've never thought of a relationship like that but I think it's a good analogy.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Rollo is delusional if he thinks anybody cares; everybody is way too busy looking at themselves to look at others.

Jerry Seinfeld on what to do when people say something bad about you:

“All this hand wringing worry and concern over how are people viewing me — someone said something bad about me, and you get so upset about it — is wasted time and energy. Your only focus should be on getting better at what you're doing. Focus on what you are doing. Get better at what are you doing. Everything else is a waste of time.”

 

[Chow Mein]

My last relationship, we broke up and got back together three times, and remained friends after that for about a year, until she finally cut me off for good. In hindsight, when she broke up with me the first time, I wish I went 'no contact' for good.

Try this next time-

When you first get back together, make it clear that a relationship is no longer in the works. Have her know that you enjoy each others’ company and not wanting to jeopardize the companionship with the complications of a relationship. Either she agrees to be a FWB or walks away. You win every time.

 

[Glassguy]

Trust and respect are gone by one or both people at the end of the relationship.
Neither can fully be recovered once gone.
No reason to spend your time looking over your shoulder wondering what some woman is doing if there was cheating/lying.
If a woman was disrespectful, taking her back gives her the green light to do it again. After all, we teach people how we want to be treated based on what we allow.
Therefore, it's always best to start with a new canvas than try to cover up a poor painting.

FWB situations are different as I don't consider them actual "relationships".