"The Kiss of Death Mistake"
You replay the conversation at 2 a.m. She texted back fast yesterday. Today, nothing. Was that smile friendly or flirty? What did the shoulder touch mean?
Every hour you spend decoding her signals drains your confidence and hands her the controls. Women can sense that insecurity from across the room — and it repels them.
One of the "22 Rules" kills the obsession on the spot: assume she likes you, and act accordingly. Sounds too simple. Works anyway.
Her interest tends to rise to meet your expectations. Psychologists call it a self-fulfilling prophecy.
G/F having dinner with HS Friend
- Thread starter JohnJones
- Start date
"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"
Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."
You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.
She's been waiting forty minutes.
Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.
Oh man! I would give this person another typical man view and launch her into outer space. There's no way a woman that cares about you and values your relationship acts like this, then turns it around and tries to make you look like you're in the wrong. The nerve of this woman is unbelievable. She needs to get dumped.
She just thought that because it was not a date as far as she was concerned and as far as he was concerned (and she didn't hide it from me) it was a non-issue at all.
Let me clarify also that she has never cheated on me nor done anything close to it. I have nothing to prove this, but then I have nothing to prove that she didn't used to do porn, either.
I have not cheated on her but I have in the past on others, so I am somewhat prepared to fill in the blanks.
As has been said repeatedly in this thread, I think it´s not the fact that she sits and chews her food with him at the table. Rather the fact that she gives her number, counteroffers with a "dinner for two" option, and forgets to mention your existance until the date (cause lets face it, at least to Mr Newintown, that was a date). Listen to the guys who experienced similar things. If she were totally with you she wouldnt even consider going out with a guy without you. You can end it now and get the upper hand. G
"She Wants a Man, Not a Boy"
You asked her if she wanted to grab coffee. Then you asked if the time worked. Then you asked if the place was okay. Then you asked if she'd prefer tea.
Four questions. Four chances for her to say no. Four signals that you're terrified of making a decision.
Plan it. Pick the place. Pick the time. Tell her where to meet you. She'll either show up or she won't.
Either way, you look like a man instead of a scared little boy.
I´m sorry to be telling you this, but you know us guys haven´t invested any emotion with this girl so we can tell you things the way we perceive them from what you tell us. But dude, sounds like she´s looking around for your replacement. Only when you subtly pointed that this wasn´t of your like did she test you again and said she wouldn´t go. More reason why she might think she has license to look for someone else. I hope it works out for you. G
jbbrain
Master Don Juan
HOW DID YOU FIND OUT THAT SHE NEVER MENTIONED TO THE GUY THAT SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND???
DID SHE TELL YOU?Sounds unlikely...
How did you learn of her omission?
What I wanted to know was if in principal any part of it was questionable. And do the same rules apply to me?
If I had an old female acquaintance (w/ no previous sexual involvement) who came to town and wanted to get together I would, and I might not invite my g/f: If I don't see it as a date, then I would not see a problem with it.
She is a deal lawyer like me (mergers/acquisitions, public offerings, etc.). We give out out cell phone numbers all the time (in every possible situation where there is business to get, weddings, parties, etc.).
I don't affirmatively know that she either did or did not tell him prior to actually sitting down at dinner with him. I know that at the reunion she was exchanging business cards with a number of people.
I know that she gave him the lowdown at dinner and that she and a mutual friend of ours may try to set him up with a third-party.
I believe she did not specifically tell him b/c in that context it would have been goofy and b/c if she had, he would not have called her upon moving into the city to ask her to hang out.
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.
jbbrain
Master Don Juan
You really dont see anyhting wrong with what she did? Hey man, if you're only tripping because you think we're the only ones causing you to trip, then don't listen to what we have to say.
I think, in the end now, you've heard all we really have to say. It's up to you to take what we say to heart or not. Nobody knows your situation as well as you do.
but thats just common sesnse
jbbrain
Master Don Juan
You sound like you really dont know. Maybe she did mention you and he still wanted to have dinner with her?
What happened to me was this: she told me about the proposed event and that the guy had called her (and that she'd blown him off).
I had a twinge of genuine jealousy over it. Also, she has done improper thing in her past (college mostly) to other b/fs (I just happen to have heard about them) which I might subconciously use as an excuse to be jealous.
But, just because I am jealous doesn't mean she has done anything wrong, so I wanted the consensus of the board, which has always given solid advice and all of which I am grateful for.
I can always keep up a controlled front to her, I just wanted to know if I was incorrect completely in thinking that there was a principal at stake.
If she cheats or anything happens you'll soone or later find out and have the full opportunity to move on and dump the *****
Don't worry, go with the flow.
Jay Fiedler
Don Juan
She meets him at the high school thing. They talk. She gives him her number. He calls-asks her out. She says no, but how about dinner. He accepts. She doesnt tell him about you (I mean cmon, if she was head over heals in love with you and didnt want to risk losing you, wouldn't she have bragged about you to him at the reunion?, I know I would). He accepts the counter offer, she then cooks him dinner, they break bread-drink wine-talk-hell they had sex for all you know. And thats the thing-you dont know. She has already shown some shady behavior in this whole thing, why should her saying that it was just a friend thing to get him acquainted into town be the whole truth? I could see if they were old high school friends, but they weren't. Dont you think it odd that he then comes over for dinner if he barely knows her? I do. All you know of what happened is what she has told you. Nothing else.
I told you what happened with my ex finace'. The exact same thing happened. I was in love with her, therefore WANTED to believe everything she said was the truth, even though a little voice in the back of my head said something is fishy. She said, "I have nothing to worry about, were just friends". Right. A month later she moves in with the guy. If you did the same thing that night with a girl, would you tell your gf that you had feelings for this new girl? Of course not. You would hide things until you knew for sure what you were going to do-either stay with your gf or go with the new girl. Your not going to burn bridges until the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted.
What she did was soooooooooooo inappropriate and disrepectful towards you. Take it from a guy who has been through this, this girl is not telling the truth. Nobody invites a person over for dinner on a friday night when they already are involved with someone unless there is SOME KIND of romantic interest involved. It just doesnt happen.
IF you want to stay with this girl, you need to tell her you need some time and space for a while to think about what she did and if she is the type of girl you really want to be with. This will either scare the ****e out of her and she will never do something like that again when she realizes what she could be losing, or she will in the back of her head say thats cool-thats what i wanted all along. Either way you win and come out looking like a champ. I cant stress this enough------------THIS IS A PERFECT OPP FOR YOU TO TAKE TOTAL CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION AND RELATIONSHIP IF YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT. But to do so you must listen to me exactly. I can guide you though this and you will be thanking me for the rest of your life. But you must do as I say. Right now she has total control of the relationship, I think deep down you know this. Let me help you and I can gaurantee you will come out a winner, its up to you.
"She's Out of Your League"
You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.
Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.
She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.
Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.
Frank Zappa
Senior Don Juan
I don't see the bother... John's not going to believe you... Nobody ever does until it happens to them... It's always, my situation is different... These guys don't understand her or have been in my situation... They don't know all the factors.
John, what we are trying to do is to get you to get the upper hand, but if you let things run through and you end up in a situation that many of us have described, you'll learn your lesson for the next time. What we are trying to do, is have you see our mistakes so you don't make them.
But maybe everyone has to learn their own way. If you don't get rid of her, make every move carefully, and make sure you give up as little dignity and pride along the way so you don't have much to lose if and when something bad happens. ~Zappa
Gangster Of Love
Master Don Juan
Either way, you are not passing her $hit tests. You are coming across as the wuss guy she wants nothing to do with. It is just a matter of time. She expects you to stand up to her, if you have any kind of balls as a man. Even if she doesn't like it for you to tell her to not have dinner with him, she does expect you.
She knows she can walk over you, and you decide to play it cool, or "non-challant", as you say. That is total approval seeking, non confrontational, behaviour.
No, I didn't care for the situation but it was not a huge risk. I also wanted to know if she knew the difference between right and wrong.
So I just went out and did my own thing, which she said hurt her feelings. She understands why it looked bad now and she is sorry for insulting me.
jbbrain
Master Don Juan
I'm realizing you're probbaly not a stupid guy. Not only that, but you've been given a pretty good idea from the other guys about either what's goign through her head, what's to come etc etc.
If you're happy being with her and TRULY think what she did was permissable, then just go for it. Keep her. Be happy, have fun.
But don't be an ignorant fool. You've been provided with 75 posts from guys who either claim that they went through the exact same things you went through or, if they hadn't, still maintain that they have a good idea about whats going on.
Noones here to screw you dude. Everybody, I'm sure, just wants to help. Never forget the arsenal of information you've been provided with.
Good luck to you.
Jay Fiedler
Don Juan
You think your being a DJ by playing it cool like that, but actions speak louder than words. Her actions with the guy...and your actions afterwards. She blantantly disrespected you, and you have now accepted that. Keep us posted, though I think we all know how this is going to end up.
"She Made Her Decision Before You Finished Your Sentence"
Three seconds. That's how long it took. Your shoes. Your posture. The way you held your drink. Whether you looked at the floor or looked at her.
She already filed you away. Interesting. Boring. Safe. Bold. Before you even opened your mouth.
Everything you say after that is just her confirming what she already decided.
So stop rehearsing lines. Fix the first three seconds. Stand tall. Look up. Smile like you mean it. Walk like you belong wherever you're standing.
The words come later. The impression comes first.