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Friend Zone Jeopardy

gettinit

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There is a girl in my social circle that caught my interest. One of those girls that seems to get it in how a man just is, or maybe just how I am.
Known for seven or so months, unavailable for 5 of them. Over the last few weeks, she ends up with me, one on one, pretty much every time we see each other and its not my doing. I have been asked if we had a thing going.

So, one night, I decide that i may actually want to start something with her. I asked her out and I got shot down. She told me that although she feels strongly connected to me, that she couldn't get involved with me because she though that my situation was too complicated..bla, bla, bla (what is complicated isn't really relevant here) and added that all connections don't need to be romantic. I simply said OK, that's life and maybe we shouldn't hang out so much since other women will think that we are a couple. I then changed the subject. Obviously, I'm freindzoned, but honestly not looking to get out since its not ever worth trying.


There are limited places to hang out right now and my group frequents the one place with a large, open outdoor space that stays open later than 8. So a couple of nights ago (just a few days after my shoot down), I go there and sit with a couple of my buds to watch a game and had no idea that she was there until she popped up next to me. I just said hi, kept it short and she went back to the girls. Later she comes and sits at the table right next to me. I needed to leave and she happened to be in the bathroom, so I said "tell her I said see you later" and left. I get a text: "Seriously? You got a drink a few minutes before I sat down" with a frown emoji. I didn't reply, but that's not uncommon. So the next night, at the same place, my friends had just left and I'm sitting and finishing my beer, when she appears with a fresh beer for me and asks "can we talk about last night", sits down and tells me that me leaving without saying goodbye was weird and then not replying to her text from last night "all day" had caused her a lot of anxiety. She found out that I left because she was told that I said "see you later", just as I would for any friend. I told her that I had to get to a store before it closed (true). I thought that was the end of it, but she brought it up twice more over the next ten minutes, right down to checking how close the time I said the store closed to the time of her text regarding my exit. It was like she thought that i was lying. WTF should she even care?

So here i am now with a pretty large social circle of people and I need to shut her down without coming across as a d**k and in a way that she can't spin it that I was. I just want some separation and it appears that, by accident, I found out that she isn't going to take it well. The last thing I want people to think is that I'm butthurt from her shooting me down and am sure that whatever occurs is going to become girly gossip.

Any insight or ideas?

I know, long read. I trimmed it the best that i could
 

BackInTheGame78

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So this doesn't come off to me as being friendzoned necessarily...maybe things are too complicated with your situation.

Whatever you choose to do, ramp up the sexual tension if you want to potentially remove the barrier.
 

gettinit

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So this doesn't come off to me as being friendzoned necessarily...maybe things are too complicated with your situation.

Whatever you choose to do, ramp up the sexual tension if you want to potentially remove the barrier.

I'm wondering if I Forrest Gumped my way to some lite dread game. Not that it matters, friendzone is friendzone. Its like trying to climb a greased sliding board. I'll pass.
 

7onriverI f

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bro you never ask a girl out like this. well I wouldn't because I don't want them as a gf. your hanging out with them making them laugh and having a good time with them. if that ain't happening find a girl that is and hang with her. then you just make a move on her that's if she doesn't make a move on you first. Your not going to be liked by some people doing this generally by people who believe in the relationship thing. this girl however sounds perfect if you just wanna have fun with her including sex. your not boyfriend material.
 
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stringpuller

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It was like she thought that i was lying. WTF should she even care?
Tolerable long read. Your going to hear a lot about just going for it on SS.
You asked her, got shot down...but what if you would have did it another way. Flirty coy behavior? Kept her guessing like you leaving obviously did.

Your confusion is coming from you believing her mouth. Words...
She shot you down as a reflex in the moment kind of thing because contrary to popular belief not all girls react well to an out of the blue romantic proposal.

There is got to be something brewing underneath in social circles. Cold approach you will get a good reaction once in a while if your good looking.

My guess is she reacted and then later felt some attraction.
If you want her.... play it cool. Dont ask her again. Use other methods. Study how to guage interest and she will let you know. She will touch you, lean on and basically get physical some way.
But i warn you dont ask her out formally again just "let it happen"
She has got leverage on you already just by you blirting out intentions and shot you down. Return fire...
 

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stringpuller

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I'm wondering if I Forrest Gumped my way to some lite dread game. Not that it matters, friendzone is friendzone. Its like trying to climb a greased sliding board. I'll pass.
Gettnit this isnt a friendzone situation. She calls you friend but in reality you are her rejected....orbiter
 

isasda66

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Gettnit this isnt a friendzone situation. She calls you friend but in reality you are her rejected....orbiter
I thought so too that she is trying to get her orbiter back. After all free attention but a small part says there is some attraction but OP needs to play it cool like mentioned earlier.
 

stringpuller

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I thought so too that she is trying to get her orbiter back. After all free attention but a small part says there is some attraction but OP needs to play it cool like mentioned earlier.
This is why i have posted my 4 pillars.
Rejected
Rejector
Business
Family

The 5th is lover. 6th would be EX but that will fall into rejected or rejector in the post buss mix of things.

Could be professional if you have kids because you have to be nice. You get the idea.
I kinda chuckle when i read the friend zone threads. They are comical. Friend zone is a myth based off of where the pieces lay after an escalation...think about that
 

isasda66

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Friend zone is a myth based off of where the pieces lay after an escalation...think about that
Agree. Experienced this in a way. Friendzone is guy following what society tells them they should. Which sadly is the opposite of what women want.

I only had 1 real incident where after a night alone I escalated but then she felt things would go weird. AFC days so I was confused searched online a lot but one real advantage I verbally agreed to her LJBF but went NC. 2 months later met up alone escalated and she became a plate. But the damage was done she was attracted but still had AFC impressions. Parted ways with her after a couple of months. Weirdly before I fvcked her I thought she was the "one". funny how things change after you see someone naked.
 

gettinit

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Gettnit this isnt a friendzone situation. She calls you friend but in reality you are her rejected....orbiter
In her eyes and so be it. This satellite is looking to leave the solar system, but wants to avoid hitting an asteroid on the way.

It seems that, with what I regard as some of the greatest minds regarding women here, no one can offer any suggestions of how to avoid her poisoning the well. I'm at somewhat of a loss myself, except for moving away from her when she tries to get close. I have no plans to ask her out again after she pulled the ball away when I tried to kick it. This is a pretty wide social group with new women appearing often enough (especially considering the current conditions) and the last thing I want is a rep as a Butt-hurt Beta. Haha.. maybe me worrying about it confirms that I am.

I thought so too that she is trying to get her orbiter back. After all free attention but a small part says there is some attraction but OP needs to play it cool like mentioned earlier.
I'm not looking to be anyone's alternate option. Anymore, for me, if after a period time its not "hell yes" from her, its "hell no" from me.

I kinda chuckle when i read the friend zone threads. They are comical. Friend zone is a myth based off of where the pieces lay after an escalation...think about that
Friend Zone isn't a myth. Its just a catch all term for rejection with attention still desired (or tolerated) by the rejector or being positioned on a back burner. Its up to the rejected to play along or not. Unfortunately, the multitude of thirsty men seem to make it accepted, common place for a woman these days.
 

LARaiders85

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She doesn't want any awkwardness in the social group. In addition, they don't feel like turning you down should result in any consequences to them, like a kid who steals for the first time and doesn't understand why he is being punished.
 

stringpuller

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except for moving away from her when she tries to get close.
Your only agency in todays world is to walk away. I mean no more contact.
Not sure your age but in my many years in this your best path is that of yourself. Put yourself first before romantic oppertunities.
You have heard it before. Indifference is the key to you finding yourself.
 

gettinit

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She doesn't want any awkwardness in the social group. In addition, they don't feel like turning you down should result in any consequences to them, like a kid who steals for the first time and doesn't understand why he is being punished.
I don't want any awkwardness or fallout either either and I'm just thrown by her reaction to my leaving without an "in person" goodbye. I'm not about to track her down every time that I want or need to leave. Hmm.. maybe that's the answer.. just tell her that. After all, we are "just friends". In reality, its something that she needs to deal with, not me, but again, I don't want to come across as butt hurt.

I did provide her with a good bit of social proof within the group and maybe she is concerned about losing that "service". I have introduced her to quite a few people.

@stringpuller
I am putting myself first. I liked her, but so it goes. There are more women. There are limited places to go right now and I'm not getting driven from my favorite spot, so no contact isn't my favorite option. Until the right opportunity to tell her what I described above presents itself, I'll just have to "tactfully" ignore her when she is around.
 

HyenaPrince

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I don't want any awkwardness or fallout either either and I'm just thrown by her reaction to my leaving without an "in person" goodbye. I'm not about to track her down every time that I want or need to leave. Hmm.. maybe that's the answer.. just tell her that. After all, we are "just friends". In reality, its something that she needs to deal with, not me, but again, I don't want to come across as butt hurt.

I did provide her with a good bit of social proof within the group and maybe she is concerned about losing that "service". I have introduced her to quite a few people.

@stringpuller
I am putting myself first. I liked her, but so it goes. There are more women. There are limited places to go right now and I'm not getting driven from my favorite spot, so no contact isn't my favorite option. Until the right opportunity to tell her what I described above presents itself, I'll just have to "tactfully" ignore her when she is around.
There are two things you can do to not appear butthurt.

1. You sleep with another women within your circle and ignore the first one. She'll inevitably feel sh*tty about it, regardless of whether she finds you attractive or not.

2. You approach new women in the location you're frequenting. Same result, less drama within the group.

Both scenarios have also the effect of not making you seem butthurt if you decide to ignore her. Because eventually she'll start talking about you if she feels you're rejecting her as a "friend". She'll frame the whole situation as way more dramatic as it really is. This can be negated altogether if you show up with women and your arm around them. Or even better, leaving the location with a woman.
 

samspade

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I don't see what the big deal is with friendzoning. You took a shot and she turned you down, and you seem fine with it.

As for her being upset for you running out, just tell her, "we're buddies. A good friend should understand." She can't have it both ways. If she wants to be a friend she should be one. You can tell her about your dating adventures and have her introduce you to cute chicks.
 

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In cases like this, it's not about the rejection, it's about how you respond to the rejection. She rejected you because of her own fears and insecurities, not you. This is a test... just act cool and be the same way you were before you made a move. All of this stuff you two are doing is actually a good build up for the relationship, whether it's turns fwb or long term
 

gettinit

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As for her being upset for you running out, just tell her, "we're buddies. A good friend should understand." She can't have it both ways. If she wants to be a friend she should be one. You can tell her about your dating adventures and have her introduce you to cute chicks.
That's just it, I get the feeling from her reaction that she wants it both ways. Oops for her. I'm not playing that game. I think "buddy girl" is now her new nick name and I think instead or saying anything at all, that I'll use it regularly when referring to her. I already have a girl buddy. That's odd enough for me and I certainly don't need another one.
 

Pan87

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There is a girl in my social circle that caught my interest. One of those girls that seems to get it in how a man just is, or maybe just how I am.
Known for seven or so months, unavailable for 5 of them. Over the last few weeks, she ends up with me, one on one, pretty much every time we see each other and its not my doing. I have been asked if we had a thing going.

So, one night, I decide that i may actually want to start something with her. I asked her out and I got shot down. She told me that although she feels strongly connected to me, that she couldn't get involved with me because she though that my situation was too complicated..bla, bla, bla (what is complicated isn't really relevant here) and added that all connections don't need to be romantic. I simply said OK, that's life and maybe we shouldn't hang out so much since other women will think that we are a couple. I then changed the subject. Obviously, I'm freindzoned, but honestly not looking to get out since its not ever worth trying.


There are limited places to hang out right now and my group frequents the one place with a large, open outdoor space that stays open later than 8. So a couple of nights ago (just a few days after my shoot down), I go there and sit with a couple of my buds to watch a game and had no idea that she was there until she popped up next to me. I just said hi, kept it short and she went back to the girls. Later she comes and sits at the table right next to me. I needed to leave and she happened to be in the bathroom, so I said "tell her I said see you later" and left. I get a text: "Seriously? You got a drink a few minutes before I sat down" with a frown emoji. I didn't reply, but that's not uncommon. So the next night, at the same place, my friends had just left and I'm sitting and finishing my beer, when she appears with a fresh beer for me and asks "can we talk about last night", sits down and tells me that me leaving without saying goodbye was weird and then not replying to her text from last night "all day" had caused her a lot of anxiety. She found out that I left because she was told that I said "see you later", just as I would for any friend. I told her that I had to get to a store before it closed (true). I thought that was the end of it, but she brought it up twice more over the next ten minutes, right down to checking how close the time I said the store closed to the time of her text regarding my exit. It was like she thought that i was lying. WTF should she even care?

So here i am now with a pretty large social circle of people and I need to shut her down without coming across as a d**k and in a way that she can't spin it that I was. I just want some separation and it appears that, by accident, I found out that she isn't going to take it well. The last thing I want people to think is that I'm butthurt from her shooting me down and am sure that whatever occurs is going to become girly gossip.

Any insight or ideas?

I know, long read. I trimmed it the best that i could
She is trying to turn you into an orbiter - she is getting off on rejecting you and wants to know that you're pining for her. She's bringing up the "weirdness" because she wants you to admit that you're butthurt by her rejection and then she has "won" in a sense that you want her, but she doesn't want you.

She secretly loved that you ran away when she showed up because she was thinking "awww he's hurt that I rejected him." She sought to confirm this ego victory by bringing it up with you in classic indirect feminine manipulative way. If she was being honest she would have said "Hi Gettinit, I know I rejected you before and I just want to confirm that this was a really upsetting experience for you. Lol"

Best strategy from here is extreme aloofness and portraying a complete lack of reactivity to her behaviour around you.
 

gettinit

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She is trying to turn you into an orbiter - she is getting off on rejecting you and wants to know that you're pining for her. She's bringing up the "weirdness" because she wants you to admit that you're butthurt by her rejection and then she has "won" in a sense that you want her, but she doesn't want you.
We, she can't be getting any satisfaction, because I told her truthfully that I had to get to a store before it closed. It does explain her trying to see if I was lying in that it would confirm that I was upset with her. Another oops on her part.

I had another situation similar that a while ago and I was purposely validating and ignoring her since I knew that she was playing with me. In conversation I told her that I enjoy messing with people that mess with me and they never seem to realize. It can be both fun and satisfying.
She then asked "Do you ever mess with me?". I said "why would I? are you messing with me?". Cue stammering sentence when a simple no would have sufficed. I had started dating someone and she had no clue until I showed up with her a few days later. Both fun and satisfying.
 

Igetit!

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I got a couple questions.......if you don't mind. They're kinda detailed.


There is a girl in my social circle that caught my interest. One of those girls that seems to get it in how a man just is, or maybe just how I am.
Known for seven or so months, unavailable for 5 of them.
Ok........you say you've known this girl for 7 months,and for 5 of those months,she was unavailable.

Umm......what was your "relationship" with her like during those 5 months she was unavailable? You two talk? Hang out? Become friends? Did you know the guy she was seeing? And also......

How long did you wait to make a play for her AFTER she became available? My understanding is it was at the minimum 2 months. I understand that you couldn't just go for her the instant she became available,but I'm curious as to HOW you two talked and interacted with each other during the 2 months she was free,but you didn't make a move.



Over the last few weeks, she ends up with me, one on one, pretty much every time we see each other and its not my doing. I have been asked if we had a thing going.
Now sir.......this is a problem. This is what causes people to get friendzoned. You two have been interacting and hanging around each other so much....with much of it being one on one. So much so,that people have asked if you two got something going on.

That's TOO MUCH. And if that wasn't a problem,the whole time you'd been around her,it was you NOT SHOWING any sexual/romantic type interest. That's a problem.

So, one night, I decide that i may actually want to start something with her.
Just "one night"....all out of the blue. Ok,nothing wrong with that. Problem is,if during all that time you were hanging out and around her...much of it one on one.....for weeks,if you hadn't show any sexual type interest in all that time,you "suddenly" asking her out will blind-side her. If you get the "I don't see you "that way"" or "I don't like you "like that" line,it's because you didn't act or behave "that way" during all those times you were hanging out one on one with her.



I asked her out and I got shot down.
Nothing wrong with that....happens to us all.

She told me that although she feels strongly connected to me, that she couldn't get involved with me because she though that my situation was too complicated..bla, bla, bla
I see. In layman's terms,this is what's known as HORSESH1T.



]and added that all connections don't need to be romantic.
All connections don't need to be romantic.


Untitled 2.png

Man....if I'd been you,I'd came back at her with something like,"Umm,well ok. Is it ok if I still try to sneek a peak down your blouse from time to time? I always thought you had beautiful cleavage,and well......I am a guy,so......"

Even in rejection,I'd STILL MAKE SURE she knows that I am A MAN,and I see her as A WOMAN (not as a buddy/pal/or....a "friend")


So a couple of nights ago (just a few days after my shoot down), I go there and sit with a couple of my buds to watch a game and had no idea that she was there until she popped up next to me. I just said hi, kept it short and she went back to the girls. Later she comes and sits at the table right next to me. I needed to leave and she happened to be in the bathroom, so I said "tell her I said see you later" and left. I get a text: "Seriously? You got a drink a few minutes before I sat down" with a frown emoji.
Ok....you see where she said,"Seriously?" and seemed a bit upset at you leaving before she got back?

That is why I asked what type of relationship you two had all before you asked her out. You said you two hung out so much,people thought you two may have had something going on.....and you two spent MUCH TIME TOGETHER ONE ON ONE.

So her remark MADE SENSE. It made sense for her to go "Seriously?" when you left,cause she was still expecting you to be the same person you've always been. She was expecting you to act like you've always acted,up to the point you asked her out and got turned down.


You act like she was out of line or something.



So the next night, at the same place, my friends had just left and I'm sitting and finishing my beer, when she appears with a fresh beer for me and asks "can we talk about last night", sits down and tells me that me leaving without saying goodbye was weird and then not replying to her text from last night "all day" had caused her a lot of anxiety.

She WAS RIGHT. Again........prior to you asking her out,you two spent loads of time together,one on one. People thought you were a couple. Now all of the sudden,you just leave her. Her reaction isn't out of line.




She found out that I left because she was told that I said "see you later", just as I would for any friend.
Hold up there,playa......

You said you told your friends to tell her you'd see her later...just as you'd do for "any friend". Ok.......do you have any other "any friends" you spent so much time with,people thought you two were a couple? You have any other "any friends" you spend LOTS of one on one time with?

You decided to regulate her to "any friend" status AFTER she rejected you. That's fine and all,but don't expect her to not react after you decided to distance yourself from her.



I told her that I had to get to a store before it closed (true). I thought that was the end of it, but she brought it up twice more over the next ten minutes, right down to checking how close the time I said the store closed to the time of her text regarding my exit. It was like she thought that i was lying. WTF should she even care?
I'm with you here. I understand her feeling a bit weird about you pulling away,but not to the point of doing detective work of matching up the times of when she sent you a text and when a store closes.

So here i am now with a pretty large social circle of people and I need to shut her down without coming across as a d**k and in a way that she can't spin it that I was.
What do you need to "shut her down" for?


I just want some separation and it appears that, by accident, I found out that she isn't going to take it well.
Course she's not going to take it well. You two have been close for the past few months,now all of the sudden,you're appearing to shut her out....as if she's done something wrong.

What do YOU THINK her reaction should be to someone who was once so close to her ALL OF THE SUDDEN seeming to turn cold and freeze/shut her out?



The last thing I want people to think is that I'm butthurt from her shooting me down and am sure that whatever occurs is going to become girly gossip.
Well sorry,but that's EXACTLY what's going to happen. Remember....you two ONCE were so close,people thought you had something going on. If you all of the sudden start ignoring her,avoiding her,not talking to her,and no longer hanging around her,people are going to notice and wonder what happened.


And it'll likely get traced back to the rejection.


Any ideas?
Yeah......

GRADUALLY start to pull back. Don't just do it cold turkey. You climbed up the ladder,climb back down.....don't jump off.


Ultimate,YOU'RE THE ONE who caused all this,albeit,through ignorance. Doesn't mean she should have to suffer emotionally just because YOU made some mistakes in how you tried to approach her.
 
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