Sir Shinra
Don Juan
It's been awhile, SS. Five years... A lot has happened since then. Put very shortly, my transformation into a PUA was more successful than I could have imagined, but after a year and a half I decided to get a girlfriend in the classic sense of the term, hanging up my PUA hat indefinitely. This one was definitely long term material. But I ****ed up.
Note: In contrast to 99% of "getting my ex back" threads, my relationship ended not due to clinginess on my part, but because I was emotionally distant and uncompromising. Please spare me the canned “bro u need to keep NC don let her win” responses. This post is for veteran or former PUAs with LTR experience. Also, keep in mind that Asian girls generally require much more attention than Western girls, so the standard "act like you don't want her" addage isn't going to work, as illustrated below.
The relationship: When I was an English teacher in Korea, I took a free course in which Korean university students would teach English to foreigners. On the first day of tutoring, I had the pleasure of being seated next to the girl who would later become my primary. She had just turned 21 and I was nearing 24. I was deep into PUA at the time, going on 3-5 dates a week and bedding a new girl twice a month on average, but after a few months I found myself spending the majority of my DayX time with her. Eventually, after lots of prodding on her part, I went exclusive with her. We were together for three years followed by a period of long distance when I went home to apply for military officer school. We are still separated by an ocean to this day.
She has a number of positive traits that I look for in a long term partner. She is an 8 (I don’t believe in tens, by the way), educated(graduated first in her university and is pursuing a masters in Japanese now), fluent in multiple languages(I want my kids to grow up trilingual), good social skills and fashion sense, has a unique appearance (her wide eyes, faintly freckled cheeks and brown hair almost make her look western), wants kids, is affection-seeking, follows my lead, never flakes (unlike most Korean women), is a freak in bed (because I made her that way), keeps her snatch and taint clean and smelling fresh at all times (this will absolutely spoil a man, should he be lucky enough to find a girl who does this. Reward her with more kink.) and is utterly dedicated to her mate (for example, we usually take turns paying when we eat out—something like 60:40 my end. However, when we are with a group of people and it is her turn to pay, she will slip me cash for the bill so she can reciprocate AND let me save face at the same time. I really appreciated that).
The only downsides are her low emotional intelligence and insecurity, further exasperated by the fact that as a practicing PUA, I was ****ing other women in the beginning months of our relationship. She has been getting over it, albeit very slowly. The other factor in her insecurity is my emotional distance. I place pride as my first priority, viewed compromise as surrender, and deliberately prevented myself from getting emotionally comfortable with her with the expectation that doing so would make her lose interest in me. I said the "L" word very infrequently and it of course led to some arguments with me explaining that using it every day, as she would have liked, would dilute its meaning.
The breakup: Soon after seeing her off after a three month stint living with me in my hometown, I checked out emotionally. I saw no real future in our relationship since settling down was out of the question for me, and marriage was obviously the only way or relationship would survive the sudden logistics change. However, I decided to just wait for her to initiate the breakup since that way I would not have to deal with her whining and accusing me of being indifferent towards her. Even after making this decision though, I still enjoyed texting with her twice a day, as not doing so felt unnatural. It felt nice having someone unequivocally in my corner even though I knew it wouldn't last much longer.
After four months of long distance, I started getting increased pressure from her to settle down into marriage, followed by some very strong hints that she would leave me for another guy should I not act soon. Not seeing any benefit to getting defensive over it, I told her to go ahead and do so. About a week later, she called me to break up. The breakup conversation lasted less than ten minutes. Here's a takeaway quote:
Ex: I want to break up.
Me: Okay.
Ex: Don't you want to know why?
Me: No.
I already knew the answer. She found another guy she could safely transition to and not have to deal with the heartache and withdrawal that would follow our breakup. I wouldn't give her the pleasure of holding that over my head. Ironically, the breakup talk was composed of her, the initiator, crying and telling her she would always love me while I, the dumpee, unemotionally brushed off everything she said. "Uh huh." "Okay." "Sure, we'll be best friends." I had no intention of remaining friends but I patronized her regardless. She might not have detected the sarcasm in my voice, but my indifference was unmistakable. I hung up feeling victorious.
Ten days later, she told me (without me asking) that the reason she broke up with me was that I kept calling her insecure and complained about her nagging. Then, without prompting, told me that she was dating another guy, but that she was still single (should I change my mind). I conveyed my lack of surprise, yet hid how upset it made me. I took offense to her rubbing the new guy in my face to seemingly blackmail me into marrying her, so I initiated no contact without notice. (In retrospect, I should have given her notice, since explaining my reasons for starting NC would have left things on an amicable note, and I wouldn't have to explain my actions later when I lift NC). I expected a quick victory as I used No Contact to success 9 months earlier. However this NC has lasted over five months and the breakup has only gotten harder on my psyche with time. The last big excuse for her to re-initiate contact, my birthday, passed in Month 3, so it's obvious she is not going to do it.
After much consideration, I have reversed my position. I acknowledge that letting her go was a mistake and I am ready to make a concise effort to improve communication and re-calibrate my attitude towards her. In my sophomoric determination to “not be AFC,” I was excessively distant and uncompromising while we were together. I rarely apologized for anything, even when I knew I was wrong. Being the loyal follower that she is, over time she stopped apologizing for things as well. Our relationship became adversarial due o poor communication and negative feedback loops. She pouts/cries/nags, I withdraw attention and affection in order to punish her, she pouts/cries/nags more, followed by a withdrawal of affection on her part. However, poor communication can be fixed with a little effort and the cycle of adversity will halt.
The next step: Next month, I will report to boot camp. I plan to re-establish contact by written letter during my stay there, which would span Month 6 through Month 9 of no contact. After priming her with letters, I plan to surprise her at her home (give her a phone call and then tell her to step outside). I know she will appreciate this as I never made romantic gestures like this while we were together, even though she would have liked me to. I am prepared to put a ring on her finger as she possesses many of the qualities I look for in a wife (mentioned above). I know that she is still with her new guy and my friends are reporting that she embellishes their relationship to no end on Facebook. I want to say that she is doing this to mess with my mind, but considering the final impression I made, she probably has assumed that I am so ambivalent towards her that I have not looked at her profile since the breakup.
She is now 25 (I'm 28) and, typical of Korean girls, she is very frantic about settling down before her perceived expiration date. She is dropping subtle marriage hints on her FB wall, which are viewable to all her friends, but I don’t think her new guy is reading them because it appears he does not have FB. Maybe if he did, he would run for the hills. As for me, been there, done that. She'd been hinting at marriage throughout our time together. It doesn’t even faze me.
I know the majority of respondents are going to try to talk me out of getting her back, and I have considered the possibility that I may not be in my right mind. That's one reason I've decided to wait until after boot camp to make the decisive move. However, no contact will be lifted within the next few weeks. I am probably going to prime her with an email or two before shipping out--sending her some cute photo she would find amusing, etc. Critique my plan, make suggestions for improvement. Hell, talk me out of it if you can. I just might be saner next month. Then again, surviving boot camp is all about not quitting.
Note: In contrast to 99% of "getting my ex back" threads, my relationship ended not due to clinginess on my part, but because I was emotionally distant and uncompromising. Please spare me the canned “bro u need to keep NC don let her win” responses. This post is for veteran or former PUAs with LTR experience. Also, keep in mind that Asian girls generally require much more attention than Western girls, so the standard "act like you don't want her" addage isn't going to work, as illustrated below.
The relationship: When I was an English teacher in Korea, I took a free course in which Korean university students would teach English to foreigners. On the first day of tutoring, I had the pleasure of being seated next to the girl who would later become my primary. She had just turned 21 and I was nearing 24. I was deep into PUA at the time, going on 3-5 dates a week and bedding a new girl twice a month on average, but after a few months I found myself spending the majority of my DayX time with her. Eventually, after lots of prodding on her part, I went exclusive with her. We were together for three years followed by a period of long distance when I went home to apply for military officer school. We are still separated by an ocean to this day.
She has a number of positive traits that I look for in a long term partner. She is an 8 (I don’t believe in tens, by the way), educated(graduated first in her university and is pursuing a masters in Japanese now), fluent in multiple languages(I want my kids to grow up trilingual), good social skills and fashion sense, has a unique appearance (her wide eyes, faintly freckled cheeks and brown hair almost make her look western), wants kids, is affection-seeking, follows my lead, never flakes (unlike most Korean women), is a freak in bed (because I made her that way), keeps her snatch and taint clean and smelling fresh at all times (this will absolutely spoil a man, should he be lucky enough to find a girl who does this. Reward her with more kink.) and is utterly dedicated to her mate (for example, we usually take turns paying when we eat out—something like 60:40 my end. However, when we are with a group of people and it is her turn to pay, she will slip me cash for the bill so she can reciprocate AND let me save face at the same time. I really appreciated that).
The only downsides are her low emotional intelligence and insecurity, further exasperated by the fact that as a practicing PUA, I was ****ing other women in the beginning months of our relationship. She has been getting over it, albeit very slowly. The other factor in her insecurity is my emotional distance. I place pride as my first priority, viewed compromise as surrender, and deliberately prevented myself from getting emotionally comfortable with her with the expectation that doing so would make her lose interest in me. I said the "L" word very infrequently and it of course led to some arguments with me explaining that using it every day, as she would have liked, would dilute its meaning.
The breakup: Soon after seeing her off after a three month stint living with me in my hometown, I checked out emotionally. I saw no real future in our relationship since settling down was out of the question for me, and marriage was obviously the only way or relationship would survive the sudden logistics change. However, I decided to just wait for her to initiate the breakup since that way I would not have to deal with her whining and accusing me of being indifferent towards her. Even after making this decision though, I still enjoyed texting with her twice a day, as not doing so felt unnatural. It felt nice having someone unequivocally in my corner even though I knew it wouldn't last much longer.
After four months of long distance, I started getting increased pressure from her to settle down into marriage, followed by some very strong hints that she would leave me for another guy should I not act soon. Not seeing any benefit to getting defensive over it, I told her to go ahead and do so. About a week later, she called me to break up. The breakup conversation lasted less than ten minutes. Here's a takeaway quote:
Ex: I want to break up.
Me: Okay.
Ex: Don't you want to know why?
Me: No.
I already knew the answer. She found another guy she could safely transition to and not have to deal with the heartache and withdrawal that would follow our breakup. I wouldn't give her the pleasure of holding that over my head. Ironically, the breakup talk was composed of her, the initiator, crying and telling her she would always love me while I, the dumpee, unemotionally brushed off everything she said. "Uh huh." "Okay." "Sure, we'll be best friends." I had no intention of remaining friends but I patronized her regardless. She might not have detected the sarcasm in my voice, but my indifference was unmistakable. I hung up feeling victorious.
Ten days later, she told me (without me asking) that the reason she broke up with me was that I kept calling her insecure and complained about her nagging. Then, without prompting, told me that she was dating another guy, but that she was still single (should I change my mind). I conveyed my lack of surprise, yet hid how upset it made me. I took offense to her rubbing the new guy in my face to seemingly blackmail me into marrying her, so I initiated no contact without notice. (In retrospect, I should have given her notice, since explaining my reasons for starting NC would have left things on an amicable note, and I wouldn't have to explain my actions later when I lift NC). I expected a quick victory as I used No Contact to success 9 months earlier. However this NC has lasted over five months and the breakup has only gotten harder on my psyche with time. The last big excuse for her to re-initiate contact, my birthday, passed in Month 3, so it's obvious she is not going to do it.
After much consideration, I have reversed my position. I acknowledge that letting her go was a mistake and I am ready to make a concise effort to improve communication and re-calibrate my attitude towards her. In my sophomoric determination to “not be AFC,” I was excessively distant and uncompromising while we were together. I rarely apologized for anything, even when I knew I was wrong. Being the loyal follower that she is, over time she stopped apologizing for things as well. Our relationship became adversarial due o poor communication and negative feedback loops. She pouts/cries/nags, I withdraw attention and affection in order to punish her, she pouts/cries/nags more, followed by a withdrawal of affection on her part. However, poor communication can be fixed with a little effort and the cycle of adversity will halt.
The next step: Next month, I will report to boot camp. I plan to re-establish contact by written letter during my stay there, which would span Month 6 through Month 9 of no contact. After priming her with letters, I plan to surprise her at her home (give her a phone call and then tell her to step outside). I know she will appreciate this as I never made romantic gestures like this while we were together, even though she would have liked me to. I am prepared to put a ring on her finger as she possesses many of the qualities I look for in a wife (mentioned above). I know that she is still with her new guy and my friends are reporting that she embellishes their relationship to no end on Facebook. I want to say that she is doing this to mess with my mind, but considering the final impression I made, she probably has assumed that I am so ambivalent towards her that I have not looked at her profile since the breakup.
She is now 25 (I'm 28) and, typical of Korean girls, she is very frantic about settling down before her perceived expiration date. She is dropping subtle marriage hints on her FB wall, which are viewable to all her friends, but I don’t think her new guy is reading them because it appears he does not have FB. Maybe if he did, he would run for the hills. As for me, been there, done that. She'd been hinting at marriage throughout our time together. It doesn’t even faze me.
I know the majority of respondents are going to try to talk me out of getting her back, and I have considered the possibility that I may not be in my right mind. That's one reason I've decided to wait until after boot camp to make the decisive move. However, no contact will be lifted within the next few weeks. I am probably going to prime her with an email or two before shipping out--sending her some cute photo she would find amusing, etc. Critique my plan, make suggestions for improvement. Hell, talk me out of it if you can. I just might be saner next month. Then again, surviving boot camp is all about not quitting.
