For Latinoman: Setting Expectations

[Latinoman]

I would not call them "bad apples'. I would simply call them insecure.

But then again...judging by how men act now a days...would you blame a woman for NOT wanting to lose a good man?

 

[guru1000]

Any woman can be properly DIRECTED. However behavior that takes a lifetime to accumulate might take a lifetime to dissipate.

The question really is are you that SCARCE as to SETTLE for someone who is completely incompatible with you because of her HIGH IL. Unfortunately for some, this is the case. Thus many unhappy relationships.

I have noticed the HIGH QUALITY women I CHOOSE already have boundaries in place. In other words, because of their upbringing and shared values they already KNOW how to behave. Very little work here indeed.

The mindset of Scarcity vs Abundance will inevitably determine what you settle for.

As I suggest to NEXT for incompatibility, some suggest to work it out. While I NEXT to find QUALITY compatibility, many fall prey to their scarcity mindset. They refuse to QUALIFY and will settle for any attractive woman.

Boundary implementation is a must to the small incompatibilities. However, if big incompatibilites are in place and you CHOOSE to remain in this type of relationship; some introspection would be ideal to evaluate your mindset.

 

[appasionata]

This post smells like it overly supports "machoism" with a weak theory behind.

The reason a master DJ should not worry about other guys hitting on his woman is not the fact that it would make him seem weak, or insecure but because it simply isn't necessary in the first place.

It is the confidence and uniqueness that separates a DJ from the others, and with them present, a DJ should not have any issue with the fact that guys are hitting on his gal even in a commited relationship.

It is nothing but needy if you really impose this into the relationship. If you are dating a HB9 ( which you would like to all the time) you should accept that it's a natural thing to have flies around your plate.

Plain ignorance even makes you stronger, in my opinion.

 

[Latinoman]

I personally don't care if a man hits on my woman. She is HOT...she is going to be hit on.

However, I care if the man KNOWING she is with me hits on her and she CONTRIBUTES toward him hitting on her. Because it is clear he has no respect for me and she is contributing toward that. I also care if a man starts hitting on my woman in front of ME...knowing very well that I am with her. Because that shows he has no respect for me.

It is about creating some boundaries.

If you don't live in a life based on self-respect...then you might as well end like the French back in WWII: on your knees.

 

[jophil28]

If you don't live in a life based on self-respect...then you might as well end like the French back in WWII: on your knees.

True that. THough some would say that the French did what they did for "pragmatic" reasons.

 

[appasionata]

I personally don't care if a man hits on my woman. She is HOT...she is going to be hit on.

However, I care if the man KNOWING she is with me hits on her and she CONTRIBUTES toward him hitting on her. Because it is clear he has no respect for me and she is contributing toward that. I also care if a man starts hitting on my woman in front of ME...knowing very well that I am with her. Because that shows he has no respect for me.

It is about creating some boundaries.

If you don't live in a life based on self-respect...then you might as well end like the French back in WWII: on your knees.

Although I couldn't see the obvious connection you implied between WWII, French, and the theory (!) in question, I believe "living a life on self-respect" is not at all dependent on creating a protective aura arond the woman ( which is exactly what you are implying by "not contributing toward others disrespecting you")

As Rollo always points out, ultimatums are always a sign of weakness, and this is nothing but a covert ultimatum, with threatening consequences.

But what is even stronger is doing it much more covertly, and through ignorance, and with much scarce warnings. The scarces the ultimatums, the stronger they become. (Reminds me of US foreign policy these days)

That doesn't necessarily mean to be a wussy if a guy persistently hits on your girl, but that is more like, not recognizing the "militia" organization because you are supposed to be an established state.

I still think the "elegant" post that connects the countries' attitude with a man's behaviour.

Great metaphor! :crackup:

 

[guru1000]

Although I couldn't see the obvious connection you implied between WWII, French, and the theory (!) in question, I believe "living a life on self-respect" is not at all dependent on creating a protective aura arond the woman ( which is exactly what you are implying by "not contributing toward others disrespecting you")

As Rollo always points out, ultimatums are always a sign of weakness, and this is nothing but a covert ultimatum, with threatening consequences.
:

Courting vs Directing a woman need to be differentiated.

Directing is a MUST after rapport is in place. This is usually the stage where a non exclusive or exclusive relationship begins.

Implementing OVERT boundaries is key here. It does not show weakness due to CONSEQUENCE. The blatant disregard or respect to an implemented boundary is walking away.

One shows high character to share his own boundaries and extend them over to his woman. After all, if a man of integrity has enough discipline to adhere to his moral code, certainly the woman should understand and do the same.

Because no two people could possibly share identical thinking, it is important to communicate and understand each other DO's and DON'Ts.

Some boundaries are just not negotiable. Overtly expressing them is KEY to clearly set the pace and show the DO NOT CROSS areas.

Many men come here and start threads of how their woman are acting strange, distant or unavailable lately. These are the men that have weaker communication skills and have not implemented or expressed their boundaries. How could you blame the woman if she was not AWARE of his boundaries?

Without boundaries, there is no ACCOUNTABILITY. Without accountability, there is no consequence.

Read that again.

I believe and have much success with OVERT expression. It does not take away from my PRIZABILITY in any form. Quite the opposite. It shows the woman what I expect from her because I hold myself to a higher standard. This is important to differentiate. I covertly tell her because I find such VALUE in myself, you must step up to the plate.

Consequently, I have had this happen several times where the girl will say for all that I ask I better hold myself to what I preach. I respond " I always have, now let us see if you can".

Covertly, the dynamics of qualifying are reversed and the frame is in place. Remember your girl must always RESPECT you. Part of this respect lies in the standards you apply to yourself and follow. You lead by example.

 

[Latinoman]

As Rollo always points out, ultimatums are always a sign of weakness, and this is nothing but a covert ultimatum, with threatening consequences.

But what is even stronger is doing it much more covertly, and through ignorance, and with much scarce warnings. The scarces the ultimatums, the stronger they become. (Reminds me of US foreign policy these days)

1- I never spoke of ultimatums. I spoke of covertly or even overtly sharing your boundaries

2- I never spoke of control. I spoke of letting the person know what is your boundary (you can do that covertly or overtly)

You see? If you read my original post you will see the following

Originally Posted by Latinoman

Now…many men in here will say: “Wow…Latinoman is too controlling”

My answer is…I am not. I simply have certain expectations from the woman I have in a committed relationship with me. I don’t prohibit them from doing whatever they want (unless impact me financially or my health). I simply tell them what I consider #1 or #2 in that list. It is up to them to do it or not do it. And it is up to me to either finish the relationship or start taking the relationship less serious.

Here is the list I am making reference to (#1 and #2) in the quote above.

Originally Posted by Latinoman

Therefore, here are my expectations:

1- I expect her to respect me.
2- I expect her to not contribute toward others disrespecting me

 

[appasionata]

1- I never spoke of ultimatums. I spoke of covertly or even overtly sharing your boundaries

2- I never spoke of control. I spoke of letting the person know what is your boundary (you can do that covertly or overtly)

You see? If you read my original post you will see the following



Here is the list I am making reference to (#1 and #2) in the quote above.

Ok. Guru and you convinced me. I admit that I misunderstood the original post in some sense. In fact, when I read what you are describing here, I figure that I have been suffering from this very problem. I can't force my gf t stop crossing some red lines and every time I yield to another exception, it gets worse and worse.

But still, I am confused in the implementation of it. Are you explicitly stating that or is it rather implied? You are writing that you don't exactly express this to her, the way you are describing it to us.

So what are some good examples to make sure she sees the red lines?

2nd question, is it reversible if she has already crossed your boundaries multiple of times ?

Thanks for the solid advice guys,

 

[guru1000]

But still, I am confused in the implementation of it. Are you explicitly stating that or is it rather implied? You are writing that you don't exactly express this to her, the way you are describing it to us.

So what are some good examples to make sure she sees the red lines?

Try this.

Field tested 100%.

 

[mrRuckus]

A girl i've been seeing has been telling me she's intimidated by me. I ask her why, and she says it's because she's never gone out with a guy with expectations for her. She says it's very attractive, and that she's not quite sure what to do. She's brought this up several times now.

I do have to thank Latinoman for this: "I expect her to not contribute toward others disrespecting me." Reading this thread finally gave me words to explain to her why I have some of the expectations I have.

 

[Latinoman]

A girl i've been seeing has been telling me she's intimidated by me. I ask her why, and she says it's because she's never gone out with a guy with expectations for her. She says it's very attractive, and that she's not quite sure what to do. She's brought this up several times now.

I do have to thank Latinoman for this: "I expect her to not contribute toward others disrespecting me." Reading this thread finally gave me words to explain to her why I have some of the expectations I have.

Thanks man.

Make sure you mix it up a little with some nice things too. A nice compliment here and there. The "balance" thing if you know what I mean.