Field report - need constructive criticism

[BadBoy89]

I may get destroyed for this as people are going to say "you have to fu--- a woman within 2 dates of meeting her. For the record, I have slept with a decent looking woman after 2 dates, but here goes.

I had a date last week with a woman. She has 1 younger single sister, 1 older married sister, 2 brothers. Family friend set us up, I saw her picture and she saw mine beforehand. Others have said she looks really good. My personal opinion was she in good shape (she works out 2x per week) but her face not great. It wasn't "sweet" or "cute" or "hot" to look at, like other woman I've been out with. I'm not Brad Pitt myself, but when I find a woman hot, I will let her know on the first date or my actions will show it one way or another.

First date last week, I asked her to a hotel restaurant near my place. I can afford lunch / dinner so no issue there. Plus, I've taken others to the same place and its been positive. When I take them a coffee shop or action dates or something, I don't do well. This hotel restaurant place, I do well. Appointment was at 4 pm, she showed up at 4:30 pm. Now she had to drive a long way to meet me, so its give and take. She did text saying she was going to be 10 min late, but 10 turned to 30 min late.

When I first saw her, she was same height as me, in shape, but face wasn't that great for me. Again I'm young or Brad Pitt, I'm just saying what I felt. So she sits down at table, we talk easy, conversation flowing, waitress comes by a few times, I ask her what she wants, she orders, its all good. Now people are going to say "NEVER to lunch or dinner on 1st date" OK, fair, but my age and my money allows me to do it. It leaves a decent impression and I find the girl is more relaxed. I'm not the type to say "lets go for drinks and back to my place and f--."

Now during the date, two things stood out . I never complimented her looks at all, but I did say "you are great conversationalist" And in the middle of dinner, she told me "I hope you find what you are looking for". I soon as I heard that, I thought "ok, its over"

We walked after dinner and we shook hands goodbye, she texted me late at night "Hi Badboy, just wanted to say thanks, it was a nice time." I texted "You are welcome" Next day I told family friend that she said "I hope you find what you looking for", the family friend told her, and she DENIED she ever said it. I didn't like that at all.

Anyway, during the week, I thought "OK, I'll try it again," Asked her to come meet for a walk down the beach. She agreed. We went for a walk, we sat down, we talked, again we go for dinner. Now this time, she made up a few things, she said the family friend said that I said "this and that" during our last meeting, which was not true. So that's 2 lies from her in 2 dates. She kept saying "you have to tell me you love me, want to see me, get to know me, I feel you don't like me that way, you should find another girl, what are your long term plans, etc" I said "No no, it takes time to get to know each other, plus my actions show my feelings, etc" She was baiting me to say "I don't like you" but I didn't say that.

Now during the date, we were also talking about previous dates. So I told her, I went out with a white women, who, after the date, told me she was "not romantically interested" and I got upset because I didn't ask for a 2nd date. This was dumb of me but she shared a personal story so I told her mine.

At the end of the date, I said "OK, I'll call you tomorrow at 7:30 pm" She said "Sure, I can't wait" . Next day at 5:30 local she texts "Hi Badboy, just wanted to say love the time we spent together but not romantically interested. Wish you the best" So now I'm pissed because she used my own words against me. Yes I brought it up but she used it against me to piss me off even more.

So a while later I responded "OK, can I meet your sister?"

She did not respond.

------------------

Thoughts?

 

[Clockwerk50]

I think the problem is how you express yourself and how you read people’s responses. Communication works through sending a message, having it received, and interpreting the feedback. If what you express isn’t clear, or you misread her response, misunderstandings build.

As an example, when she said, “I hope you find what you’re looking for,” you interpreted it as rejection, when maybe it wasn’t meant that way.
This doesn’t seem like an isolated case either since some of your posts here suggest you often interpret people’s words in a way that fuels frustration or confusion.

 

[SW15]

Family friend set us up

You should have been well positioned to have something longer lasting out of this, not 2 messy dates.

you have to fu--- a woman within 2 dates of meeting her.

Getting to sex fast can be good. There's debate about whether getting to sex fast is good for the longevity of interactions.

"NEVER to lunch or dinner on 1st date"

Meal dates are a really bad idea for a first date. They don't create the sexually charged atmosphere needed to spark a connection.

The "not romantically interested" text you received is partly due to having a meal date.

Lunch dates are worse than dinner dates.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I think the problem is how you express yourself and how you read people’s responses. Communication works through sending a message, having it received, and interpreting the feedback. If what you express isn’t clear, or you misread her response, misunderstandings build.

As an example, when she said, “I hope you find what you’re looking for,” you interpreted it as rejection, when maybe it wasn’t meant that way.
This doesn’t seem like an isolated case either since some of your posts here suggest you often interpret people’s words in a way that fuels frustration or confusion.

Second this…. And OP is right I am going to lay into him since he claims to be such an authority here on the opposite sex

Instead of playing mind reader, try asking her what she means by that -

so you did that thing wrong which could have been recoverable if you had just kept it to yourself , and if not then, then asked her the next time you spoke

but then you took it and blew gas on it and lit a match and brought the rest of the family into it by running back to them crying that she said something you didn’t like

I thought you were a bad boy - you actually sound like a little boy, that couldn’t finish something he started on a playground and ratted the other guy out to the principal

 

[CornbreadFed]

Sounds like you weren't that interested in this girl but saw it as an easy lay-up opportunity. However, this girl caught on to your plan early on and blindsided you, so now you are upset that she played you.

 

[Slowhandluke]

I may get destroyed for this as people are going to say "you have to fu--- a woman within 2 dates of meeting her. For the record, I have slept with a decent looking woman after 2 dates, but here goes.

I had a date last week with a woman. She has 1 younger single sister, 1 older married sister, 2 brothers. Family friend set us up, I saw her picture and she saw mine beforehand. Others have said she looks really good. My personal opinion was she in good shape (she works out 2x per week) but her face not great. It wasn't "sweet" or "cute" or "hot" to look at, like other woman I've been out with. I'm not Brad Pitt myself, but when I find a woman hot, I will let her know on the first date or my actions will show it one way or another.

First date last week, I asked her to a hotel restaurant near my place. I can afford lunch / dinner so no issue there. Plus, I've taken others to the same place and its been positive. When I take them a coffee shop or action dates or something, I don't do well. This hotel restaurant place, I do well. Appointment was at 4 pm, she showed up at 4:30 pm. Now she had to drive a long way to meet me, so its give and take. She did text saying she was going to be 10 min late, but 10 turned to 30 min late.

When I first saw her, she was same height as me, in shape, but face wasn't that great for me. Again I'm young or Brad Pitt, I'm just saying what I felt. So she sits down at table, we talk easy, conversation flowing, waitress comes by a few times, I ask her what she wants, she orders, its all good. Now people are going to say "NEVER to lunch or dinner on 1st date" OK, fair, but my age and my money allows me to do it. It leaves a decent impression and I find the girl is more relaxed. I'm not the type to say "lets go for drinks and back to my place and f--."

Now during the date, two things stood out . I never complimented her looks at all, but I did say "you are great conversationalist" And in the middle of dinner, she told me "I hope you find what you are looking for". I soon as I heard that, I thought "ok, its over"

We walked after dinner and we shook hands goodbye, she texted me late at night "Hi Badboy, just wanted to say thanks, it was a nice time." I texted "You are welcome" Next day I told family friend that she said "I hope you find what you looking for", the family friend told her, and she DENIED she ever said it. I didn't like that at all.

Anyway, during the week, I thought "OK, I'll try it again," Asked her to come meet for a walk down the beach. She agreed. We went for a walk, we sat down, we talked, again we go for dinner. Now this time, she made up a few things, she said the family friend said that I said "this and that" during our last meeting, which was not true. So that's 2 lies from her in 2 dates. She kept saying "you have to tell me you love me, want to see me, get to know me, I feel you don't like me that way, you should find another girl, what are your long term plans, etc" I said "No no, it takes time to get to know each other, plus my actions show my feelings, etc" She was baiting me to say "I don't like you" but I didn't say that.

Now during the date, we were also talking about previous dates. So I told her, I went out with a white women, who, after the date, told me she was "not romantically interested" and I got upset because I didn't ask for a 2nd date. This was dumb of me but she shared a personal story so I told her mine.

At the end of the date, I said "OK, I'll call you tomorrow at 7:30 pm" She said "Sure, I can't wait" . Next day at 5:30 local she texts "Hi Badboy, just wanted to say love the time we spent together but not romantically interested. Wish you the best" So now I'm pissed because she used my own words against me. Yes I brought it up but she used it against me to piss me off even more.

So a while later I responded "OK, can I meet your sister?"

She did not respond.

------------------

Thoughts?

Why do you care so much? move on...

p.s. not only are you wasting your time thinking about it, you wasted our time for reading about it - and for shame, the story did not include blood, lust, incest, murder, etc... it was just a bunch of low level ramblings.. For SHAME

 

[The Duke]

@BadBoy89

The "I hope you find what you are looking for" statement usually means one of two things.
1. I am not intertested in seeing you again.
2. I "feel" that you aren't that into me.

Since she agreed to go out with you again, it was obviously #2.

She sensed you weren't that into her which is why she later expressed her concern about your intent( you have to tell me you love me, want to see me, get to know me, I feel you don't like me that way, you should find another girl, what are your long term plans, etc" )

She wants more than just a dihk, and you confirmed her feelings on the 2nd date that you aren't that into her.

I think this girl did the right thing. And I don't think she was trying to make you mad nor did she use your words against you. You just took it that way. For Christ sakes, this girl agreed to go out a second time. She was giving you another attempt at bat and you didn't even get a base hit.

She wanted you to show more interest, affection, attention, etc towards her and she didn't feel like you expressed enough.

Women are really good at sensing things. They know what a man does and how he makes her feel when one is really into them. They are the weaker ones, so they have to use every tool at their disposal to guide their decision making. She made the right decision and handled herself fine.

And do you really think inquiring about her sister so soon was a smart move? I mean she just got done with two dates with you and didn't get an ounce of what every woman on the planet desires so they can feel special/ wanted and she is going to say good things to her sister about you? I would have never brought up the " he said, she said, they said" crap. You don't win that game, its childish.

And two restaurant dates in a row are boring, but props on the beach walk.

Why you are mad at this girl for protecting her heart I have no idea. You put your own ego ahead of her feelings I guess, yet she didn't do anything wrong except go out with you a second time.

Work on your insecurities. They are shining thru in this report, as well as other things you have posted over the years. Its ok to be vulnerable. I'll bet had you been more vulnerable with this girl things would have went better.

But I am impressed you posted a field report. Thats a step in the right direction.

On a lighter note, was this chic 22yo and a virgin too? ;-)

 

[BadBoy89]

@BadBoy89

The "I hope you find what you are looking for" statement usually means one of two things.
1. I am not intertested in seeing you again.
2. I "feel" that you aren't that into me.

Since she agreed to go out with you again, it was obviously #2.

Point taken.

She sensed you weren't that into her which is why she later expressed her concern about your intent( you have to tell me you love me, want to see me, get to know me, I feel you don't like me that way, you should find another girl, what are your long term plans, etc" )
She wants more than just a dihk, and you confirmed her feelings on the 2nd date that you aren't that into her.

I think this girl did the right thing. And I don't think she was trying to make you mad nor did she use your words against you. You just took it that way. For Christ sakes, this girl agreed to go out a second time. She was giving you another attempt at bat and you didn't even get a base hit.
She wanted you to show more interest, affection, attention, etc towards her and she didn't feel like you expressed enough.

Point taken.

Women are really good at sensing things. They know what a man does and how he makes her feel when one is really into them. They are the weaker ones, so they have to use every tool at their disposal to guide their decision making. She made the right decision and handled herself fine.

Props on this.

I have gone out with hot girls and they can feel my lust, This one didn’t feel my lust. You got good insight.

And do you really think inquiring about her sister so soon was a smart move? I mean she just got done with two dates with you and didn't get an ounce of what every woman on the planet desires so they can feel special/ wanted and she is going to say good things to her sister about you? I would have never brought up the " he said, she said, they said" crap. You don't win that game, its childish.

I don’t think bringing up her (younger) was a bad move

Agree with the “he said, she said” stuff.

And two restaurant dates in a row are boring, but props on the beach walk.

Point taken.

Why you are mad at this girl for protecting her heart I have no idea. You put your own ego ahead of her feelings I guess, yet she didn't do anything wrong except go out with you a second time.

Any woman at her age should not say “you have to love me, you to call me, you have to say it, you have to love me, you have to love me. I’m about love.” At our age, the relationship is 98% transectional . This stuff she is saying, a 17 year old girl wouldn’t say more than once to her boyfriend. Maybe, you say it once during the 2 dates, “hey Badboy, you have to show a little more affection if we are going to to move ahead.“

To say that many times at her age? No. honey, there is a a problem. Heck, even if a hot 22 year old virgin would not say that.

Work on your insecurities. They are shining thru in this report, as well as other things you have posted over the years. Its ok to be vulnerable. I'll bet had you been more vulnerable with this girl things would have went better.

Point taken. Vulnerable how?

But I am impressed you posted a field report. Thats a step in the right direction.

On a lighter note, was this chic 22yo and a virgin too? ;-)

I wish.

I should have said it in my OP, this woman was OLDER. She was younger than me but not young in terms of what men are attracted to. 0 divorces. 0 kids

 

[Bible_Belt]

"You have to tell me you love me by the second date."

That's not a sign of emotional maturity.

 

[Bokanovsky]

My personal opinion was she in good shape (she works out 2x per week) but her face not great. It wasn't "sweet" or "cute" or "hot" to look at, like other woman I've been out with.

Why go through all this trouble for a woman you're not even attracted to?

 

[BaronOfHair]

Thoughts?

When one has a less than charitable assessment of some broad ("Others have said she looks really good. My personal opinion was she in good shape (she works out 2x per week) but her face not great. It wasn't "sweet" or "cute" or "hot" to look at, like other woman I've been out with. I'm not Brad Pitt myself, but when I find a woman hot, I will let her know on the first date or my actions will show it one way or another"), acceeding to someone else's desires for you to wine, dine, and possibly bed her makes less sense than allowing your parish priest to babysit your three year old son then acting surprised that DS has received an exhaustive, live-fire education in sodomy, before the week is out

 

[BaronOfHair]

- and for shame, the story did not include blood, lust, incest, murder, etc...

Credit where it's due: He's not trying to muscle in on my department

 

[BadBoy89]

I think the problem is how you express yourself and how you read people’s responses. Communication works through sending a message, having it received, and interpreting the feedback. If what you express isn’t clear, or you misread her response, misunderstandings build.

As an example, when she said, “I hope you find what you’re looking for,” you interpreted it as rejection, when maybe it wasn’t meant that way.
This doesn’t seem like an isolated case either since some of your posts here suggest you often interpret people’s words in a way that fuels frustration or confusion.

Point taken.

How else would you take "I hope you find what you are looking for?" Doesn't seem much ambiguity in that statement.

 

[BadBoy89]

Why go through all this trouble for a woman you're not even attracted to?

Part family pressure (they went out of their way to set it up, they thought she was hot)

Part I wanted to see her myself, couple of hours on Sat afternoon for a late lunch, no skin off my back.

I didn't want to quickly sleep with her and move on, I wanted some type of relationship, she calls me / I call her, we hang a few times a week, etc. There was no lust on my end, but I thought "she will grow on me, I could probably make it work."

But Duke called it. These woman know when you are lusting.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Part family pressure (they went out of their way to set it up, they thought she was hot)

Part I wanted to see her myself, couple of hours on Sat afternoon for a late lunch, no skin off my back.

I didn't want to quickly sleep with her and move on, I wanted some type of relationship, she calls me / I call her, we hang a few times a week, etc. There was no lust on my end, but I thought "she will grow on me, I could probably make it work."

But Duke called it. These woman know when you are lusting.

I get the family pressure part, but why would you want a relationship with a woman you don't find attractive? Seems like a waste of time.

 

[BadBoy89]

Second this…. And OP is right I am going to lay into him since he claims to be such an authority here on the opposite sex

I've always claimed to like hot women under 30. I never claimed to be an authority on the opposite sex.

Instead of playing mind reader, try asking her what she means by that -

so you did that thing wrong which could have been recoverable if you had just kept it to yourself , and if not then, then asked her the next time you spoke

How else is a man supposed to take "I hope you find what you are looking for"?

The thing is, if I brought it up next date and told you guys, the response here would have been "Are you that stupid BadBoy, how can you not know what that means? You shouldn't have brought it up."

I appreciate everyone's assistance here, but when its an obvious statement from a woman, and the top players say "seek clarification", that's hard to take.

but then you took it and blew gas on it and lit a match and brought the rest of the family into it by running back to them crying that she said something you didn’t like

I thought you were a bad boy - you actually sound like a little boy, that couldn’t finish something he started on a playground and ratted the other guy out to the principal

Yeah maybe I shouldn't have told the family. The family asked "How did it go?" I said "Its pretty much over" They said "Why?" I said "Because she said this"

But it wasn't like she said "I don't like the color of your shirt" When a woman says something like that; in my opinion its the same as "I need to talk you"

 

[DJ Novice]

Never judge a woman by what she says. Judge her by what she does. She agreed to see you for one more date (whatever else she said to you at the first date) so you had your chance.

As Duke said women are experts on reading body language and understanding the real meaning behind your words and actions. It sounds like she picked up that you weren’t really attracted to her after your second date and you weren’t able to fake the opposite.

Women you aren’t really physically attracted to should either be ignored or used only for recreational purposes, not for pursuing a potential relationship. Save relationships for women you are genuinely attracted to.

For recreational use you need to act as though you are genuinely attracted to a woman or she will sense the disconnect and end things. If you can’t fake this (and it is hard) then it’s better to focus your efforts elsewhere.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Never judge a woman by what she says. Judge her by what she does

Yeah, if this

is the film she admires most, it's fair to infer:

Any offspring you produce with her's chances of surviving infancy are more abysmal than Malcolm Jamal Warner's prospects for taking home The Gold in Swimming, at next year's Olympics

 

[ValiantMale]

This is just beyond my scope.. Im pretty spoiled when it comes to women due to looks/alot of experience-- but this just sounds a bit weird.. Like the girl sounds like she has major insecurities and things and the other people being involved sound like its just messy.

JUst continue to date other people man, dating shouldn't be pushing squrae pegs in round holes.. or a puzzle of some kind.. ITs as simple as 2 people being attracted to each other setting up times to hang out and having sex eventually and then learning more and omr about each other and how they interact when together and deciding whether to keep it going or not.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

OP gotta personally vet the women you go out with. No set ups or blind dates. As has been said, this woman has insecurity issues. Yes, you could've played it better, but screening is the main issue here.

Ask yourself this - with all of the abundance women have these days, why is this one having to be set up by family/friends?