Ex has my balls in a vise...

[Cheeks]

Long story short, my ex loaned me a good sum of money for a car back when we were a thing. I resisted at first, but she pretty much insisted on it. Me being an eager idiot, I took the money. Afterwards, I had been living with her and making monthly payments.

Well, eventually everything that could possibly go wrong when living with your girlfriend happened and I was left in the dust after she branch swung to a co-worker.

Now my finances are in serious trouble and my ex is getting nasty with the payments. She's a single mom who gets assistance from the state, not to mention her baby's daddy who provides child support. When tax season rolls in, she always nabs a few grand or so due to being a single mother. She's actually in a much more stable position than I but she's trying to play it like she's dirt poor and I'm the bad guy.

Now, I know it is my responsibilty to pay off the loan, and I have been making efforts. There's a couple of key issues here that I need some advice on.

1) The ex is taking every opportunity she can to be disrepectful and make me feel guilty for the deteriation of our relationship. She has all her friends signed up in a coalition of hate against me. When I see her in person, I try to be cordial and business-like, but she can't refrain from giving me attitude and calling me names and whatnot.

2) For some reason I still have lingering feelings for this girl that I can't seem to shake. I do my best to hide it, but it can be hard sometimes. My lower lip sometimes does this gay little twitch thing when I'm speaking to her, and she's even called me out on it. She actually said "I can tell that you loved me." Pretty embarrassing.

I'm trying to push through this situation with tact and class, but she has so much power and control right now that I'm feeling really emasculated and low on self-esteem. It doesn't help that her new boy is a flower-giving provider type that showers her with attention and compliments, which is pretty much the opposite of what I was.

Is there anyting I can say or do to this girl to gain myself a little respect back and get out of this vise grip on my balls she has? I know I'm not exactly a saint in all this, but I was actually incredibly supportive of her during our time together and always encouraged her to go back to school, make something of herself, etc. I maybe wasn't the most attentive boyfriend, and I did cheat on her once, so she has a a right to not want me around anymore. But this constant guilt trip and finger wagging is really messing with my head and I just want it to stop. I've already wished her the best, told her she has a right to want to be happy, and stayed out of her business. I mean, what more can I do?

 

[SecondHalf]

It's not clear to me how your balls are in a vise.
She's a single mother, but it's not your child.
She left you.
You owe her a bit of money.

Unless there was some contractual agreement regarding this loan, I'd say your balls are still under your control.

If she's lobbying your mutual friends against you, that is sad, but there is little you can do to prevent it. For those friends you still see or talk too, just tell them your side of the story with no venom, it's all you can do.

Regarding the ex, make a payment schedule (if you care) and NC her.
Unless there is a contract, there is something you have that she wants. From this reader's point of view, I think you have the frame here.

I wouldn't take the guilt trips from a woman, especially the ex!
It's not constructive, it's abusive.
Why do you listen to repetitive rants?

Good luck,

SH

 

[Cheeks]

It's not clear to me how your balls are in a vise.
She's a single mother, but it's not your child.
She left you.
You owe her a bit of money.

Unless there was some contractual agreement regarding this loan, I'd say your balls are still under your control.

If she's lobbying your mutual friends against you, that is sad, but there is little you can do to prevent it. For those friends you still see or talk too, just tell them your side of the story with no venom, it's all you can do.

Regarding the ex, make a payment schedule (if you care) and NC her.
Unless there is a contract, there is something you have that she wants. From this reader's point of view, I think you have the frame here.

I wouldn't take the guilt trips from a woman, especially the ex!
It's not constructive, it's abusive.
Why do you listen to repetitive rants?

Good luck,

SH

There's no contract, buts she's now saying she wants to draw one out. I told her I'd gladly sign it if that's what she wants.

 

[SecondHalf]

There's no contract, buts she's now saying she wants to draw one out. I told her I'd gladly sign it if that's what she wants.

Don't sign anything.
That is you giving away the control of your balls.
Set up a verbal schedule and do your best to pay it.
Beware the emails and text messages that can be used as an agreement.
Verbal only when it comes to this money thing.
She only has the power over you that you allow.

Trust me, been there, done that.
Don't obligate yourself legally to a woman who you're not involved with anymore. That's nuts!!!

Remember: Branch swung. Poisoned mutual friends against you. Doesn't sound like a very class act.

SH

 

[Cheeks]

Don't sign anything.
That is you giving away the control of your balls.
Set up a verbal schedule and do your best to pay it.
Beware the emails and text messages that can be used as an agreement.
Verbal only when it comes to this money thing.
She only has the power over you that you allow.

Trust me, been there, done that.
Don't obligate yourself legally to a woman who you're not involved with anymore. That's nuts!!!

Remember: Branch swung. Poisoned mutual friends against you. Doesn't sound like a very class act.

SH

Ok, so now I have to backtrack on my willingness to sign a contract. I don't think she's gonna take that well.

I'm thinking of just calmly telling her something like: "I'll hold up my end of the deal, but I'm wary of signing a contract. Your attitude towards me is nothing short of vindictive lately, and I have to protect my own interests."

Probably not going to change anything, but I have to say something to clear the air.

 

[Desdinova]

There's an easy way to solve this. Take out a loan, pay the bytch off, and cut contact.

Don't sign anything she sticks under your nose.

 

[SecondHalf]

I learned some time ago that ....
"Clear the air" = "Me being a chump".

Again, not a class act this one.

SH

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Cheeks,
Actually I think you should make every effort to pay her back,but then....Has she a written agreement credentialising the loan?believe me,from bitter experience on the other side of the fence,it is one thing to be morally owed money,quite another to ever see it again....In the absense of a properly witnessed document she might have to whistle Dixie!....even if she has such a document then after a protracted and expensive legal battle,the best she will get is you being garnisheed (You pay so much every month) Whilst America may be different,it wont be that different.

 

[Cheeks]

Dear Cheeks,
Actually I think you should make every effort to pay her back,but then....Has she a written agreement credentialising the loan?believe me,from bitter experience on the other side of the fence,it is one thing to be morally owed money,quite another to ever see it again....In the absense of a properly witnessed document she might have to whistle Dixie!....even if she has such a document then after a protracted and expensive legal battle,the best she will get is you being garnisheed (You pay so much every month) Whilst America may be different,it wont be that different.

I do want to make the effort to pay her back. It just sucks having to go back and listen to her abuse while she has another guy getting the pvssy. It makes me feel like a right chump, and I chumped out on her the week following the break up too, so she knows she's got me right now.

 

[zekko]

I'm thinking of just calmly telling her something like: "I'll hold up my end of the deal, but I'm wary of signing a contract. Your attitude towards me is nothing short of vindictive lately, and I have to protect my own interests."

I like this answer.
Under no circumstances sign anything she gives you. I like that you want to pay her the money you owe her, but if she wanted a contract she should have made you sign one at the time.

I don't know how bad your financial situation is, but if possible I would get a loan and pay her back the whole amount and be done with her, like Desdinova said.

In fact, if your situation is that bad, maybe you could explain your situation and see if she would take half payments for awhile.

I'm trying to push through this situation with tact and class, but she has so much power and control right now that I'm feeling really emasculated and low on self-esteem.

She has NO power or control. The only power and control she has is what you are giving her. The whole problem here is that you still have feelings for her.

Sometimes that can't be helped, but I assume you have the self respect to realize she no longer deserves your devotion, so I would give her as little thought, attention, and contact as humanly possible. Just for your own good, nothing to do with her. You don't need her approval. And what her friends think of you is completely irrelevant.

Forget the mistakes you've made up until now, and take right action from here forward.

 

[Cheeks]

Ok, so I definitely won't be signing anything.

This whole situation makes me angry though. She's the one who dropped me, I'm out of her life now just like she wanted. And yet she still wants to run me down and make me feel bad about everything. I mean, I got dumped and replaced by another guy, I already feel bad enough.

The second she broke it off I could've said fvck you and never give her another dime. But instead I'm trying to live up to my responsibility and she's being a stone b1tch about it.

 

[zekko]

The second she broke it off I could've said fvck you and never give her another dime. But instead I'm trying to live up to my responsibility and she's being a stone b1tch about it.

That just goes to show exactly the type of person she really is.
She has demonstrated that she is not worthy of the emotional investment you've made in her. The person you thought she was only existed in your mind. You can be free of her now.

 

[backbreaker]

i hate to be that guy but this is why it's so important to get your **** in order before you worry about trying to get women. doesn't mean you have to be rich or drive a benz r own a muti million dollar company, but there never shoudl be a situtation where you have to borrow money from your freaking GF who is on child support in the first place. none. whatsoever. in too quick a hurry to get the **** wet. just this humble man's opinion.

a man should always have somet ype of rainy day/savings fund for emergies. rather it be 50k or 5k, should not be taking handouts from his GF.

 

[Cheeks]

i hate to be that guy but this is why it's so important to get your **** in order before you worry about trying to get women. doesn't mean you have to be rich or drive a benz r own a muti million dollar company, but there never shoudl be a situtation where you have to borrow money from your freaking GF who is on child support in the first place. none. whatsoever. in too quick a hurry to get the **** wet. just this humble man's opinion.

a man should always have somet ype of rainy day/savings fund for emergies. rather it be 50k or 5k, should not be taking handouts from his GF.

Believe me, I wish you were there 2 years ago to slap some sense into me.

 

[pdx1138]

One lesson learned:

NEVER EVER Loan money or accept a Loan from a girlfriend.

a good 75% of the cases on Judge Judy are about that.

I made the mistake of loaning money to a girlfriend. Thankfully she is paying me back every month (we broke up earlier this year) It's the only reason I've been really nice to her when she screwed me over.

I'll never make that mistake again.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Cheeks,
Never sign anything Mate....Let Chamberlains debacle with Hitler at Munich be your guiding light...The fact that she asks you to sign an agreement says it all,she hasn't a leg to stand on.....pay her back say $5-10 bucks a week,no more...Accompany every payment with a little Bilet Doux headed.... PAYED WITHOUT PREJUDICE........
In my book she is one contemptuous Bvitch!

 

[window]

make the effort to pay the money off, id draw up a contract of what has been paid to date then get receipts thereafter. you want it all in writing so it is legit and she cant come back later. try and make the payments via her bank and get a receipt each time. You dont need to talk to her or see her. Just make the regular payments then you are done.

 

[AW1983]

One lesson learned:

NEVER EVER Loan money or accept a Loan from a girlfriend.

Yes. Already made that mistake once (loaned it to her) and you can believe it'll STAY once.


To the OP - I respect your desire to maintain your word and repay the loan. But why are you ever in a situation anymore where she has opportunity to insult and belittle you? Call this broad and tell her "hey times are tough, I'll repay you what I can each month. In the meantime don't contact me ever again." Then send her a check in the mail. DON'T SIGN SH!T.

 

[Zarky]

No contract, no proof. Tell her to p*ss off. And don't sign anything, for chrissakes. jezus, kids these days.

 

[Cheeks]

As for this flower-buying, compliment-showering boyfriend....a lot of women go for exactly the opposite of what they're getting away from because they think that's going to bring them instant happiness. But it never does in the end. It's a shallow, short-lived kind of happiness. If you were the flower/compliment-type of guy in your relationship with her, right now she'd be with some dude who doesn't do any of that stuff. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking she has found something better. All she found was something different.

Yeah, I can see that I guess. It's funny how all the things she "loved" about me before are now the same things she hates me for now. Whatever.

I think I'm done with LTRs for life, and this was my first!