ex-girlfriend

[slickjesse]

i went out with a girl for 6 months. we got too serious too fast and things kind of self-destructed. when we broke up i acted AFC-ish. i always gave into everything she wanted. we still told each other we "i love you" but she said she wasn't in love with me anymore. she went home for the summer. during this time i decided to stop my AFC ways. ive been hanging out with different girls and having fun with my friends and doing things i love. i haven't called her at all and she has called me a few times. i said i was heading her way for an event this weekend so we should meet up and hang out. during this time i made sure to be ****y/funny and not give into things she wanted. she was constantly grabbing my hand and leaning into me. when we were at a resteraunt with friends she said she was cold and asked me to put my arm around her. when we were driving she out of nowhere turned to me and said "i love you" for the first time in a long time. i said it back. when i was leaving i thought about kissing her but i didn't wanna ruin what i had going if she didn't want that so i kissed her on the cheek.

i like the position im in interest level wise but im not sure what to do from here. ive realized that i actually do love this girl and wanna be with her but we have a past so i dont think i can follow DJ rules exactly because they are for initial meetings with girls. i feel it would be best to show interest but let her know i wouldn't fall apart without her. when i got home i text messaged her saying that im home and i wished she was here so we can have more time to hang out and that ill talk to her soon love, jesse. whats my best move from here. i know that was kind of an AFC move but with all we've been through i felt i needed to show some kind of interest cause i dont want her to think im not interested at all (i.e. when i didn't kiss her). what should i do considering my situation? thanks guys!

 

[slickjesse]

by the way...im thinking about calling and asking her flat out what she thinks of me now. if she shows interest romantically respond with how happy and great everything is going and that i want her to be a part of that....to let her know im interested but i could take her or leave her. what do you guys think?

 

[Aisle55]

You can still follow the path of a DJ even though you've got a past with this girl. It'll be difficult, but you can do it.

Don't ask her what she thinks of you. It may be hard to understand but you're still acting like an AFC. Keep concentrating on yourself and don't think about her. Girls know when their guy is getting needy and desperate. The second she sees your former self coming back, she'll probably walk-out on you. For real, it happens!!

Other DJs here might tell you to move on and forget about her but I say be with her, hang out with her, have fun with her, but don't commit to her. Commiting is the easiest way for a guy to get hurt. And I'm sure you already know what that's like b/c you said that you two got serious too fast and the relationship went down.

Also, don't spill your feelings out to her. That's the worst thing you could do in this situation. Don't give up your power by making yourself vulnerable like that. You gotta control your feelings for this girl and kill that AFC in you. It might not be a bad idea to go back and read some of the threads on AFCism and '[Being] a Man'. Continue to go out with other girls and having fun with your friends. Trust me, that interest level you are enjoying so much from her will go up even higher the more you keep your emotions in check. In other words, keep yourself as the priority, not her.

Remember to be cool, calm, confident, charming, and all that other great stuff we DJs are made of. This is about all I can offer right now. I'm daaaaaaamn tired but I'll check this thread again in a day or two. Good luck!

 

[slickjesse]

i see your points and i am aware somethings im doing and thinking are AFCish...im proud that i have changed some of my habits around her, its my first big step.

but you say that i shouldn't make a commitment. the thing is that i would like to have LTR with this girl. so now that i've used DJ ways to get her interest high again how can i turn that into a relationship without going back to my AFC ways. thanks!

 

[ChevyLover]

Originally posted by slickjesse
when we were driving she out of nowhere turned to me and said "i love you" for the first time in a long time. i said it back.

Should have said "I know". And smiled.

Originally posted by slickjesse
ive realized that i actually do love this girl and wanna be with her but we have a past so i dont think i can follow DJ rules exactly because they are for initial meetings with girls.

Being a DJ is not a set of rules. It is a mindset. It is not used for initial meetings with girls, it is part of you. It is built into your personality. That is the most important thing you need to understand here. Being a dj is not just using a couple of techniques you pick up from reading, it is building the way you act around people in general into your mind, so it is natural and you just do it automatically.

Originally posted by slickjesse

when i got home i text messaged her saying that im home and i wished she was here so we can have more time to hang out and that ill talk to her soon love, jesse.

Bad move. Let her say that kinda stuff first. You should have waited a couple of days at least before calling her to tell her you want to take her out somewhere. Don't forget to be a challenge and not to let her twist you around her little finger.

The first time you dated this girl, you said you took things too fast. Well it seems like that is starting to happen again. You sent her a message telling her you love her as soon as you got home.

Slow it down, and do not repeat the mistakes you made the first time. Don't give her the control. Don't be the boring predictable type of guy who is going to call her every day to tell her you love her. Keep her guessing. Remember - you lived without her in your life for a while now, and your not dead. You don't NEED this girl, make sure she knows that by having a life of your own without her. Sounds like a bad case of oneitis to me buddy. Get some hobbies, see other girls for a while.

If it was me, I'd just next her. You showed her your AFC ways in the past. She knows that if she manipulates you the right way, she will have complete control of the relationship yet again, and you will "give into everything she" wants. The relationship is tainted. You could make things right this time around, but you've already started to mess up again. I guess just do whatever you want - your mistakes will correct you eventually.

CL

 

[slickjesse]

Re: Re: ex-girlfriend

Originally posted by ChevyLover

Slow it down, and do not repeat the mistakes you made the first time. Don't give her the control. Don't be the boring predictable type of guy who is going to call her every day to tell her you love her. Keep her guessing. Remember - you lived without her in your life for a while now, and your not dead. You don't NEED this girl, make sure she knows that by having a life of your own without her. Sounds like a bad case of oneitis to me buddy. Get some hobbies, see other girls for a while.
CL

im definitely trying not to repeat mistakes. im not calling her at all...im letting her call me and when we do talk im not bringing up anything of missing or loving her. i do not feel i have oneitis. i hang out with lots of girls and i have tons of hobbies. im very happy with my life. its just that i love this girl and want her to be a part of that. i know i wont die without her and i dont wanna put her on a pedastal....she is just someone i want in my life. now that her interest level is back up higher i would like her back and im just a little confused on how to do that from this point without coming off like a lame AFC.

 

[slickjesse]

im thinking of just being honest and seeing how she feels right now and letting her know that spending time made me realize that i want her to be with me but make sure she knows that im perfectly happy and that i won't fall apart without her. i think its a good idea because im being a man by telling her exactly what i want, being up front is a good basis for a LTR, and if i keep waiting and try to keep her IL go up even higher i may miss my chance if she thinks im not interested. any ideas?

 

[Cremasta]

How long since you two were together? Given that she may still think you are a bit of an AFC inside, when she said 'I love you' in the car, it is possible that she just wanted something from you, chances are it was just a good shag.

What has her dance card been like since you broke up? she may have been lacking attention recently and simply thought of you as a 'back up plan'. She may have thought saying 'I love you' was a good way of getting you to come running.

She doesn't seem to know what she wants. Let her think you are not interested, it doesn't seem to have done you any harm so far.

 

[Digital Mastermind1]

! DUDE MOVE

SLICKJESSE dude you sound sooooooo pu$$y whopped man . just give her what she wants and next her ( sex , whatever.... attention i guess ) you can have better my man .


YOU ARE NOT CAPTAIN SAVE A HO !!!! MOVE ON TO SOME BETTER PU$$Y AND BETTER LTR .



LATEZ!!! F LOVE , LOVE TO F....

 

[slickjesse]

Originally posted by Cremasta
How long since you two were together? Given that she may still think you are a bit of an AFC inside, when she said 'I love you' in the car, it is possible that she just wanted something from you, chances are it was just a good shag.

What has her dance card been like since you broke up? she may have been lacking attention recently and simply thought of you as a 'back up plan'. She may have thought saying 'I love you' was a good way of getting you to come running.

we've been broken up for 4 months. since we broke up she dated a guy for about a month and they broke up. recently a really old boyfriend and her almost got back together, he even left his current g/f for her, but she decided she didn't want to. if she did just want something back by saying that i defintely didn't give it to her (whether sex or attention) except for the text message i sent.

 

[Digital Mastermind1]

MAN sorry to say this again but find a greener field dude . when a biatch f up once you leave PERMANENTLY and find a new maTE.

 

[K-Daddy]

Man, if you wanna go for it, go for it. If it's eating at you, talk to her. What's more important to you...your pride or the peace of mind knowing either way? Chances are you'll have to do the initiating, and if that's the case, by not talking to her you're guaranteeing that you won't get with her. Besides, if you have to play around and worry about when to call and when not to call and if you should ever call...is it really worth it? At least by bringing it up you'll be giving yourself some chance. And if not, you know what to do - just move along to the next or any of the other girls you're talking to at the moment.

No, talking to her will not make you less of a man. Regardless...it's about you and taking what you want.