Emotional swing from a push pull strategy and intermittent rewards.

jnMissouri

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There's an element of push pull that works especially well when dating. But what about in a relationship? To some extent I think it is important to keep this up in a relationship, but within limits, a tone down version. My gf and I had a lot of push and pull on each other the last 8 months. Up and down. Fighting. The threat of loss. Emotional swings of uncertainty. We both got tired of it to some extent. She asked that I stop and I asked that she stop. That was 2-3 weeks ago and our relationship has been MUCH better and more stable. She said she LOVES it this way. Constantly tells me this, wants me to stay sweet (but still calls me an ******* because I tease/neg her, etc.). I've even asked her if she misses the drama, she said WOW NO! I've asked a few times and the answer is always no. She actually tells me she appreciates how I am now and wants me to stay this way. All the problems I was having with her in our relationship faded away when we both dropped this.

That said I am not sure. To some extent the extremes in our arguing, me not filtering what I said when arguing was NOT good. I took it too far and so did she, so I think THAT was a problem. But at the same time I think it's a good idea to have some push and pull in the relationship. Little ways of creating doubt, push and pull.

Do you agree and if so what are some good methods to create this doubt without over doing it? For example, a girl who has been cheated on and has a past with her man not answering the phone all night will trigger some bad stuff for her. So to some extent one has to take these things into consideration.
 
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zekko

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My gf and I had a lot of push and pull on each other the last 8 months. Up and down. Fighting. The threat of loss. Emotional swings of uncertainty.
If you had to live like this, being in a relationship wouldn't be worth it.
The key is having the right girl, the kind who doesn't feed off the drama.
Life's too short to be playing games, IMO.
As long as you have self respect, the battle is half won.
 
A

AJ84

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There's an element of push pull that works especially well when dating. But what about in a relationship? To some extent I think it is important to keep this up in a relationship, but within limits, a tone down version. My gf and I had a lot of push and pull on each other the last 8 months. Up and down. Fighting. The threat of loss. Emotional swings of uncertainty. We both got tired of it to some extent. She asked that I stop and I asked that she stop. That was 2-3 weeks ago and our relationship has been MUCH better and more stable. She said she LOVES it this way. Constantly tells me this, wants me to stay sweet (but still calls me an ******* because I tease/neg her, etc.). I've even asked her if she misses the drama, she said WOW NO! I've asked a few times and the answer is always no. She actually tells me she appreciates how I am now and wants me to stay this way. All the problems I was having with her in our relationship faded away when we both dropped this.

That said I am not sure. To some extent the extremes in our arguing, me not filtering what I said when arguing was NOT good. I took it too far and so did she, so I think THAT was a problem. But at the same time I think it's a good idea to have some push and pull in the relationship. Little ways of creating doubt, push and pull.

Do you agree and if so what are some good methods to create this doubt without over doing it? For example, a girl who has been cheated on and has a past with her man not answering the phone all night will trigger some bad stuff for her. So to some extent one has to take these things into consideration.
Things are good between you now, as you said. Why break something that doesn’t need to be fixed?

How would you like it if she decided to start small sh*t tests, just to create doubt, when things are actually going good? Does that make any sense to you and would you respond favourably to that?

There’s no law that says you can’t enjoy your girlfriend when she’s being good to you, while being mindful of not becoming too complacent. You don’t need to start dumb ass games in order to avoid being complacent, that’s just going to open up a can of worms and then you’re both right back to square one with the drama that you said you both hated, that you brought back into the relationship.

If she disrespects you and acts up that’s another thing, but don’t rock the boat if the water is calm. If the boat capsizes because of it, you will only have yourself to blame.
 

oldmanofthesea

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Push pull is about maintaining balance of interest by rewarding or withdrawing based on what your partner is doing. There is never any reason to fight, yell, insult, or say things that "cut deep"; that's not push pull.

If my partner was upset and insulted me personally, I'd tell her I would be happy to discuss why she is upset like two adults after she has calmed down, and that if she insulted me again like that, I'd walk away and never look back. And I would mean it. Never argue or let a woman knock you off your center and make you emotional. They look to you for strength and stability and losing control of your emotions and fighting is neither.
 

rando5495

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Important to keep a touch of mystery I think. Don't become a part of the furniture or whatever. Think that's just normal basic male/female dynamics tbh.

"You've been in the house too long she said, and I, I , I naturally fled".

 
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jaymbrs

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Women don't know what they want. I do the push/pull with my GF to an extent (as you mentioned) and she continues to tell me that I'm a jerk and doesn't know why she likes me so much. Can't give in entirely and you have to maintain your frame. This may not be a healthy way of viewing this but I look at it as practice for the next girl I date if we broke up. Gotta stay on top of your game, even if you're not single.
 
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sazc

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That said I am not sure. To some extent the extremes in our arguing, me not filtering what I said when arguing was NOT good. I took it too far and so did she, so I think THAT was a problem. But at the same time I think it's a good idea to have some push and pull in the relationship. Little ways of creating doubt, push and pull.
I ended my last relationship because of exactly what you are describing. I communicated to him that I wasn't going to sign up for a lifetime of emotional abuse just because he was upset about something. Love, compassion and caring for someone requires that you refrain from being ugly with that person. Why would anyone sign up for a lifetime of drama and ugliness with another person?

"Emotional push pull" will always either push the other person away or create a negative and toxic constant in the relationship.

It's your choice
 

jnMissouri

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Women don't know what they want. I do the push/pull with my GF to an extent (as you mentioned) and she continues to tell me that I'm a jerk and doesn't know why she likes me so much. Can't give in entirely and you have to maintain your frame. This may not be a healthy way of viewing this but I look at it as practice for the next girl I date if we broke up. Gotta stay on top of your game, even if you're not single.
This is what I'm getting at, not being too nice and boring but not being too much of a jerk. How to achieve the balance?

Maybe all that is needed is just not putting up with bad behavior if and when it is presented.
 

SeekerOfTheWay

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This is what I'm getting at, not being too nice and boring but not being too much of a jerk. How to achieve the balance?

Maybe all that is needed is just not putting up with bad behavior if and when it is presented.
The balance is being gently dominant and stern, not a jerk and not a push over. Call out bad or manipulative behavior. But don’t do it if/when emotional. Do it with logic and lay it out. One of my plates helps me with this by saying (when i get overly emotional or start to be a brat) “calm down, take a breathe, center yourself. Do not talk to me until you are thinking clearly and rationally.” Females DO have logic, it’s just easily overwhelmed by our emotions and we need a stable, calm, rational and logical man to help guide us. Our reactions may not change since it’s our biology and ingrained is us to “trust our feelings.” But we CAN learn “the pause” and that’s where you come in. No need to be a **** or a pushover. Just be clear and mature and find the line between loving and not taking crap. He also says “do i deserve to be treated like this?” when i am being caustic. This always wakes me up and i feel badly and then calm down and back off.

Maybe a good spanking too. :p J/K 1/2.
 
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jnMissouri

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The balance is being gently dominant and stern, not a jerk and not a push over. Call out bad or manipulative behavior. But don’t do it if/when emotional. Do it with logic and lay it out. One of my plates helps me with this by saying (when i get overly emotional or start to be a brat) “calm down, take a breathe, center yourself. Do not talk to me until you are thinking clearly and rationally.” Females DO have logic, it’s just easily overwhelmed by our emotions and we need a stable, calm, rational and logical man to help guide us. Our reactions may not change since it’s our biology and ingrained is us to “trust our feelings.” But we CAN learn “the pause” and that where you come in. No need to be a **** or a pushover. Just be clear and mature and find the line between loving and not taking crap.

Yes, this makes sense! She gets it when we talk things out rationally. She even admits when she is at fault and that she would react the same way if I did those things and can't blame me. But when given time and talking calmly, especially after a period of no contact (a day or two even) she comes back and admits fault.
 
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jnMissouri

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I ended my last relationship because of exactly what you are describing. I communicated to him that I wasn't going to sign up for a lifetime of emotional abuse just because he was upset about something. Love, compassion and caring for someone requires that you refrain from being ugly with that person. Why would anyone sign up for a lifetime of drama and ugliness with another person?

"Emotional push pull" will always either push the other person away or create a negative and toxic constant in the relationship.

It's your choice
I read your post again and it's uncanny, ugly is the way she describes our arguments when I'm upset. And she eventually left others for the same. They'd straighten up and she'd go back but they'd go right back to the same things. She would eventually leave for good.
 

sazc

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I read your post again and it's uncanny, ugly is the way she describes our arguments when I'm upset. And she eventually left others for the same. They'd straighten up and she'd go back but they'd go right back to the same things. She would eventually leave for good.
I left and came back twice. Each time I thought he understood where my boundaries were. In hindsight, all I was doing was reinforcing the idea that I would cave, and not stand in my boundaries. The last time I left for good, even tho he pulled all the same stuff to try to get me to stay.

IMO long term relationships need to be about peace and working stuff out together. Keep the mystery and interest alive with surprises for your partner and by doing things they will appreciate.
 

Epic Days

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This is overthinking at its finest jnMissouri.
You don’t carry these things around in your head.
If a man tries to think about all the stuff written in this forum he would be a blubbering idiot.
 
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