Don't know if the party is over.

CaptFinnBad

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So been with this women over a year now. She's one of the good ones and in for the long haul.

Ticks all the boxes for me. Loyal, dedicated, loving. I completely trust her.

Not looking to play multiple women. Im into the old fashioned magnogimy, kids, living together thing. I can see it in this one.

BUT she's a people pleasure and can't handle stress. Takes on problems, stresses out and displaces that stress onto the relationship (not in a huge way but enough to stop things progressing in the relationship).

On the flip side her dedication to us is unwavering. She's shown me what true dedication is over the the last year.

I'm at the point i'm seriously considering walking.

What you guys think? Ever walked out on a good girl? Possibly a mistake?
 
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Ricky

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So been with this women over a year now. She's one of the good ones and in for the long haul.

Ticks all the boxes for me. Loyal, dedicated, loving. I completely trust her.

Not looking to play multiple women. Im into the old fashioned magnogimy, kids, living together thing. I can see it in this one.

BUT she's a people pleasure and can't handle stress. Takes on problems, stresses out and displaces that stress onto the relationship (not in a huge way but enough to stop things progressing in the relationship).

On the flip side her dedication to us is unwavering. She's shown me what true dedication is over the the last year.

I'm at the point i'm seriously considering walking.

What you guys think? Ever walked out on a good girl? Possibly a mistake?
Not enough info to really make a call here.

You don’t have to eject so quick. Time normally settles these questions
 

CaptFinnBad

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Not enough info to really make a call here.

You don’t have to eject so quick. Time normally settles these questions
Possibly. My trepidation is she may be **** blocking me from the women/woman (lol) I'm meant to be with. Yeah your right though. Deserves more of my time until I'm sure.

No point being fickle right now .

I suppose I just pretend she's dead and focus on me. You know do the stuff you do when you're single and building your self up.

So it becomes a win win situation as the groundwork will already be done if I decide to eject and I can jump straight back into other womens beds (just monkey branch or **** lots of women for a good few months before looking for something more serious).

If not and I decide she's the one to impregnate and set up house with it's still win. As I'm in a stronger position and a better place.

End of the day ****ing women. Can't live without them can't live with them . So Stupid.
 
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The Duke

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The stress she brings on will become your stress as well if you settle down with a person like her. You will always have to adjust for her benefit and to keep peace.

Life is too short, I'd keep looking. I've let two go that were really great girls but had an issue similar to what you have encountered.
 

bmp2cpm

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Get her to focus her people pleasing on you and you’re family solely. Lead her in order to take the stress off her.

If you can do this, you should get what you want. If not than bail. Good luck!
 

jaymbrs

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According to you that's her only flaw. I'd say there's not much better out there and definitely much worse.
 

Dr.Suave

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Maybe she´s got potential but you have to get her in line.
 

Serenity

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I might have some unique experience with this being a former people pleaser turning to having strong personal boundaries. My wife is a people pleaser to some extent, but the other people involved aren't that exploitative fortunately. She places me and the kids first anyways. I can recognize every single thing you say about your girl in my wife. My wife has proven over many years to be reliable though.

The question is whether her weaknesses poses a real threat or you just dislike it out of personal principles. If she is as dedicated as you say it should be fine as long as she keeps showing that dedication. If one day she chooses to please someone else at the expense of the relationship with you then there's reason for concern.

I don't know the details or events that makes you consider walking, these details might help us give advice to your specific situation.

In any case, as long as you are in doubt, hold off on making children with her. You shouldn't do that unless you are as sure as you can be. It takes the time it takes to reach that point, think it through very thoroughly before considering other options. She sounds like she has a good heart, but unfortunately people with a good heart are often weak to being exploited leading to being viewed as people pleasers.
 

CaptFinnBad

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She's definitely not being exploited. She has the kindest heart.

So the situation is she's trying to please everyone that's important to her. Family, me , a sick dog.

A couple of her family members really need her right now. To help them she's sacrificing herself completely. She's going overboard and dedicating herself to the point of self sacrifice.

She's not being taken advantage off. She just wants to help people that's important to her to the point of self neglect (they are not asking for this level of dedication).

As a result she's causing conflict in the relationship. This is because she's deflecting her stress onto the relationship, deflecting her emotions onto others (me and everyone else close to her) , plus completely neglected herself.

As a result the distance between us has been increasing over the last few weeks. To the point whatever time we do get to spend with each other is wasted over some bull**** drama.

We normally spend a lot of time together. But due to circumstance we've hardly been able to see each other.

So not been able to be there to help or ocastrate dealing this stuff in a healthier way.

Basically she's gone down a destructive path left to her own devices.

Not the first time this has happened. Problems arise which could be managed, but when they arise she tends to isolate herself, get tunnel vision and things spiral out of control.

I think the self isolation is key to the destructive dynamic. As I could navigate this. I think the isolation when stressed is quite deep rooted and symptoms from her past.

Causing problems in the relationship comes from her self not being able to cope.
 
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CaptFinnBad

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I'll just concentrate on me. I'll also go directly to the source, one of the people is her dad , a guy I deeply care about.

She's been acting like she's the only person in the world that can help him / actively discouraging others from helping.

She's also defecting and pecking at him.

Been pretty neurotic about it. He's only getting his house ready to sell and packing everything up. Stressful but not difficult.

She's also helping other family members. Her dad is someone I'm close too though and could benefit the most from me stepping in.

I'll just cut her out show her she's not needed and encourage her to use the extra time to get some TCL and hopefully she can step back a bit and fix her broken brain.

Better leadership from me might be the solution. Or perhaps this chaos will be a theme throughout the relationship.

When I have stress. Things to deal with it's pretty relaxed as I'm able to lead us through it and it's a good time despite what I'm /we're going through.

Its when things happen the other end things blow up.



Love her to bits. She's a great women. Just all this got me thinking about the future.

The relationship definitely deserves more time and it isn't time to give up on it yet. I do have a point I'll walk though and been aware it's been stepping closer.. I suppose just looking how to approach this.

I suppose I use it as an opportunity to develop my ability to lead relationships and personal growth and see what happens.
 
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BackInTheGame78

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I'll just concentrate on me. I'll also go directly to the source, one of the people is her dad , a guy I deeply care about.

She's been acting like she's the only person in the world that can help him / actively discouraging others from helping.

She's also defecting and pecking at him.

Been pretty neurotic about it. He's only getting his house ready to sell and packing everything up. Stressful but not difficult.

She's also helping other family members. Her dad is someone I'm close too though and could benefit the most from me stepping in.

I'll just cut her out show her she's not needed and encourage her to use the extra time to get some TCL and hopefully she can step back a bit and fix her broken brain.

Better leadership from me might be the solution. Or perhaps this chaos will be a theme throughout the relationship.

When I have stress. Things to deal with it's pretty relaxed as I'm able to lead us through it and it's a good time despite what I'm /we're going through.

Its when things happen the other end things blow up.



Love her to bits. She's a great women. Just all this got me thinking about the future.

The relationship definitely deserves more time and it isn't time to give up on it yet. I do have a point I'll walk though and been aware it's been stepping closer.. I suppose just looking how to approach this.

I suppose I use it as an opportunity to develop my ability to lead relationships and personal growth and see what happens.
I'd be careful with this. As much as you care about him, you aren't family, she is. Things can get tricky in these type of situations and simply trying to push her out of the way will not likely end the way you want it to or think it will.
 

ThisIsSparta

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So the situation is she's trying to please everyone that's important to her. Family, me , a sick dog.

A couple of her family members really need her right now. To help them she's sacrificing herself completely. She's going overboard and dedicating herself to the point of self sacrifice.

She's not being taken advantage off. She just wants to help people that's important to her to the point of self neglect (they are not asking for this level of dedication).

As a result she's causing conflict in the relationship. This is because she's deflecting her stress onto the relationship, deflecting her emotions onto others (me and everyone else close to her) , plus completely neglected herself.

As a result the distance between us has been increasing over the last few weeks. To the point whatever time we do get to spend with each other is wasted over some bull**** drama.

We normally spend a lot of time together. But due to circumstance we've hardly been able to see each other.

So not been able to be there to help or ocastrate dealing this stuff in a healthier way.

Basically she's gone down a destructive path left to her own devices.

Not the first time this has happened. Problems arise which could be managed, but when they arise she tends to isolate herself, get tunnel vision and things spiral out of control.

I think the self isolation is key to the destructive dynamic. As I could navigate this. I think the isolation when stressed is quite deep rooted and symptoms from her past.

Causing problems in the relationship comes from her self not being able to cope.
Man..... if she is stressed out and sacrificing herself at this point, what do you think 2 kids will do to her?

Amongst all the other stuff she "has to take care of", her kids will become THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS in the world.

If distance is alredy increaseing between you two, kids will make you a sidenote in her life. Say goodbye to your saxlife.

Add sleep withdrawal to this and she will go full auto nuts.

It needs a stable woman to have kids with and it will be still a hard ride.

You think you can rescue her from herself?

It never ends well for Captain Save a Hoe.....
 

Bingo-Player

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Walked from a good girl after 4 years in 2021

The relationship wasn't perfect and there was issues but generally it was wholesome and very comfortable

When it ended I had to rebuild my life from scratch ( and still am rebuilding)

Time will tell wether it was the right decision overall but man some days i would go back in a heartbeat

I wouldn't race to end anything OP genuine connection is not easy to come by

Try and help your GF rather than resenting her , sounds like she needs strong male assertion in this dilemma of hers
 

CaptFinnBad

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Man..... if she is stressed out and sacrificing herself at this point, what do you think 2 kids will do to her?

Amongst all the other stuff she "has to take care of", her kids will become THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS in the world.

If distance is alredy increaseing between you two, kids will make you a sidenote in her life. Say goodbye to your saxlife.

Add sleep withdrawal to this and she will go full auto nuts.

It needs a stable woman to have kids with and it will be still a hard ride.

You think you can rescue her from herself?

It never ends well for Captain Save a Hoe.....
This is my trepidation.
 

CaptFinnBad

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I think I need to view this whole situation with genuine curiosity, with the question do I want this women to be the mother of my children and the women I would potentially share my life with.

Just view the whole thing subjectively with the intention of letting her reveal these answers to me on her own accord.
 

Barrister

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OP,

So really it boils down to you considering walking out because she perhaps has a bit of an inappropriately high desire to please her father? I can tell you that any woman you are with always has a complicated relationship with one or both of her parents. And it is something you will have to deal with in an LTR if you have one with her. To a certain extent, your LTR's familial dynamics are going to become your reality in a LTR. There is nothing you can do about it. You either accept it, or you move on.

If your goal is an LTR with a woman, then this doesn't sound like an "eject" type situation to me. Because if you go to the next, she is going to have her baggage you end up having to deal with, and this is fairly low-grade baggage. I DO think you can discuss how this bothers you with her and you should do that. If she is completely shut off from how it affects you, that is a red flag. If she is understanding, then you have a decision to make. And like others have said, the grass is not (and usually isn't) greener.
 

CaptFinnBad

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OP,

So really it boils down to you considering walking out because she perhaps has a bit of an inappropriately high desire to please her father? I can tell you that any woman you are with always has a complicated relationship with one or both of her parents. And it is something you will have to deal with in an LTR if you have one with her. To a certain extent, your LTR's familial dynamics are going to become your reality in a LTR. There is nothing you can do about it. You either accept it, or you move on.

If your goal is an LTR with a woman, then this doesn't sound like an "eject" type situation to me. Because if you go to the next, she is going to have her baggage you end up having to deal with, and this is fairly low-grade baggage. I DO think you can discuss how this bothers you with her and you should do that. If she is completely shut off from how it affects you, that is a red flag. If she is understanding, then you have a decision to make. And like others have said, the grass is not (and usually isn't) greener.

It's not helping those important to her I object to, This is a good quality.

It's the inability to self regulate, see things objectively and the big picture. She will self sacrifice no matter the cost.

This i view as destructive behaviour. What I have the problem with is the inability to remain balanced.

My trepidation regarding the relationship is she becomes so absorbed by her own or other people's stresses it consumes her.

Out of this she has potential to create chaos and unessesary catastrophes throughout the the relationship.
 
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Barrister

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It's not helping those important to her I object to, This is a good quality.

It's the inability to self regulate, see things objectively and the big picture. She will self sacrifice no matter the cost.

This i view as destructive behaviour. What I have the problem with is the inability to remain balanced.

My trepidation regarding the relationship is she becomes so absorbed by her own or other people's stresses it consumes her.

Out of this she has potential to create chaos and unessesary catastrophes throughout the the relationship.
Most women are like this though. Their emotions are easily susceptible to those around them and it feeds off that energy. So you can be stuck dealing with the after-effects. Admittedly, some are worse than others at their inability to regulate/tune it out. This by itself though is not a reason to eject.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you may more just be ready to move on. And that's fine. But I don't think what you are citing is a deal breaker on its own.
 

ThisIsSparta

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Reading between the lines, it sounds like you may more just be ready to move on. And that's fine. But I don't think what you are citing is a deal breaker on its own.
OP wants to have kids..... one cant have kids with a woman that is allready challenged to the breaking point in a life without kids.

Ignore the red flags, suffer the consequences.
 
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