Does "No Contact" really work?

[reset]

I think he was kidding but he did say LTR....

Lol.

Ok, stopping now.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

Was that meant to be funny?

Yes that was a joke.

I'm just being honest guys. So far she is everything I would want in a g/f so ofcourse I am thinking possible "ltr" IF things continue to go this well. BUT I still have not located the watch it was on when we came back to my place. I don't know when I took it off and it's nowhere to be found. Unless it somehow fell off my wrist at the bar or parking lot.

I need to find it.

 

[reset]

If you don't know her that well how could she be everything you want in a girlfriend. That makes no sense. You're supposed to make those decisions on how well she treats you over time and if you're compatible with each other.

But yeah it's easy for me to say I wouldn't be thinking those things. I just hope to god what I'm learning here when I get out in the field will stick with me and I won't revert to mr. needy. That's not fun. You don't want that. So at the very least take your time with this girl.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

If you don't know her that well how could she be everything you want in a girlfriend. That makes no sense. I'm sure she didn't steal your watch.

I don't see why she would it's not that expensive but it's gone I looked everywhere. But this sh!t is too good to be true man. SHE initiates contact with ME on match, I didn't even see her profile because she had no pic. My gut told me to go with it and I did and she turns out to be sweet and gorgeous and lives 5 min from me.

Now her profile is gone from match.

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. The motto says if it's too good to be true it probably is so it wouldn't surprise me if she turned out to be a clepto or stabs me in my sleep.

As for her being my girl let's just wait and see man. It's not often (as in never) I get to hook up with this type I usually get the divorcees or the leftovers.

Let's just see what happens.

 

[reset]

re-read my post, I edited it, you're already in over your head man.

Just because you hook up with the hottie, that's great, but what in the world does that have to do with her being a candidate for a LTR? Yes, wait and see.

I think you're projecting what you want from life onto her too early. Stay sharp.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

re-read my post, I edited it, you're already in over your head man.

Just because you hook up with the hottie, that's great, but what in the world does that have to do with her being a candidate for a LTR? Yes, wait and see.

I think you're projecting what you want from life onto her too early. Stay sharp.

You're right, I am proceeding with caution.

By the way I texted her back about going out tomorrow and she just replied "that sounds wonderful"...

 

[MacAvoy]

it's not the women problems it's your own problems and you're using women as a way to try to solve those problems that aren't about women, they're about you. As long as you think a woman can make you happy and give you a sense of peace in yourself you'll always be looking because it's not "out there" it's in you. You have to learn to face your own issues and deal with whatever it is that is making you think women are going to "fix it". You could probably sleep with a million women and still have the same problems.

You need to figure out who you are and learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. That feeling will never ever come from a woman.

I think you need to really consider what reset is saying here.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

That was a great post reset thanks for the info. I try and get to the point I am comfortable then things go bad in a relationship and I am back to square one. I just want this current thing I have going to work out. I'm going to make it happen and try not to repeat mistakes
of the past. If it's all on her then that's fine, I don't want to look back and see any terrible mistakes like I did with the NYE woman. I tend to beat the sh!t out of myself for a long time.

This is the one I need to work out. All I have learned comes to this because face it, this is a rare opportunity for me. I want this chic to be crazy about me.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...I want this chic to be crazy about me.

That's going to be the thing that holds you back.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

That's going to be the thing that holds you back.

I see all these posts how being "DJ" makes the woman crazy so I'm trying to emulate it.

The goal now is to just keep this one around so far I am succeeding we have plans tomorrow. She said she will call, and I will hold her to that statement. NO CONTACT.

 

[reset]

Francisco is saying you're coming from a scarcity mindset and that's going to ensure failure. She's a rare opportunity (why? Aren't you a cool enough dude to get plenty of young hotties?) and you have so much riding on this. You're determined to make it work with someone you barely know. And you're determined to do that because you don't think you have what it takes and that she's a precious commodity. You've made her the prize and now she's way way way up on that pedestal. And all of this is in your head. She could be a wonderful person or she could be a horrible person. You don't know yet. But you've already fantasized her to the point of perfection.

You want to prove something to yourself with this chick. I understand that feeling...but it's the OPPOSITE of the mindset you're going for. You just don't see it because you're too close to it. Just like if it were me I'd probably be going through what you're going through, but it's not me so it's really easy to see where you're going wrong.

Being a DJ makes them crazy... BEING a DJ. Not emulating a DJ with games and stuff. But I guess you have to go through the motions so it becomes second nature. But a DJ is a guy with his act together. Not needy. Confident. Who loves himself. Who won't tolerate second class behavior. Who just loves himself and loves life, and along with that, loves women and has lots of fun with them, minus the drama and games.

Everyone says spin plates and that's great, but you may want to consider at some point taking a break from girls for a short time and see if you can handle being by yourself. Drinking, drugs... you've got some pain and I think you're avoiding it and the women have to deal with your pain now.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Rep point for you reset.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

Alright I am taking all this into consideration I can't change overnight.

Still the goal is to keep this girl around. We made plans tomorrow and she said she will call me so I will NOT blow it by contacting her first.

She will not hear from me again unless she calls me like she said. Period. If I go back on this statement, somebody shoot me.

Then I can worry about the date when she actually calls tomorrow and I believe she will.

 

[MacAvoy]

I like how you once again conviently ignore the valuable advice given to you by other members, such good advice that other long time posters are giving out rep points because its spot on.

Everyone says spin plates and that's great, but you may want to consider at some point taking a break from girls for a short time and see if you can handle being by yourself. Drinking, drugs... you've got some pain and I think you're avoiding it and the women have to deal with your pain now.

20 pages and you haven't learnt a single thing. Your making the exact same mistake you did on page 1


.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

I can't just take a break now I have plates FINALLY starting to spin. I see what reset is saying though.

Maybe the DJ way is my way OUT of drinking and the drugs, even though I don't really consider weed a drug more than alcohol but whatever. And this chic is a pot head too... which is awesome..

The NYE girl used weed as an excuse to dump me. But she likes to drink. What a dumb broad.. Nothing wrong with smoking weed any more than drinking is wrong.

I love smoking that's never going to change so I do need a girl that's OK with it.

 

[reset]

Thanks guys.

The situation is what it is but just focus on doing some "inner game" work. It's not like it's going to hurt. Bigger picture stuff.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

Just need to turn the tables on this girl. Instead of me posting about her I want her on some site posting about me.

Is that too much to ask?

 

[aliasguy]

MAN, this is fascinating. You go from one chick messing you up, to another chick being EVERYTHING (all because she's hot, and got you off ONCE, and doesn't care if you are a stoner.)

I'm VERY happy you got laid.

I'm worried that you have all your eggs in this shiny new basket.

This thread should be preserved, if only for the CLASSIC, TYPICAL response of a guy to a new piece of tail. It's really interesting to see this play out in real time.

Best of luck, MNIN. I really do wish the best for you.



We'll be here for you after the crash.

 

[My Name is Nobody]

We'll be here for you after the crash.

True sosuave is always here for the crash.

 

[MacAvoy]

Something from the bible MNIN:

http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/Forum6/HTML/001366.html

(I even bolded the parts that relate to you)


So what makes a person an AFC? Is his style? Is it his looks? Is it the things he says? No. What makes an AFC is himself. More specifically, it is his internal scripts or mind set that makes him the way he is.
The AFC's internal scripts are varied and mostly jumbled. But there are usually three main components to them that I will discuss each in turn.

Personalizing everything

A chump has the tendency to over analyze everything and worry about saying the right thing or the wrong thing, interpreting any negative response from a woman as his doing and so on. By putting such an emphasis on the me the AFC places himself at the center of the situation and finds himself having to react and question every single little thing. He is so worried of screwing up he overwhelms himself because he thinks he must do everything right in order to get anywhere with the particular lady.

Believing that things will stay the same

An AFC takes rejection badly and thinks that because one woman rejected him, they all will reject him. Even though he may at one point think he has a legitimate chance, he becomes so worried because of the past experience that he short circuits himself and fulfils his self-proclaimed prophecy which just reinforces his erroneous belief.

Attributing failure with women as a failure in life

The AFC has the tendency to put such an emphasis on woman that she becomes the all-being consuming focus in his life. When failure occurs with a particular woman he believes that his failure in dating (just one area of his life) means he is a failure in his entire life. Such thinking leads him to overwhelm himself with a total feeling of inadequacy. With such an erosion of confidence, the chump can hardly get himself to talk to a woman anymore, much less date.

In psychology these aspects are referred to as internal (concluding that whatever happens is all your doing), stable (viewing a situation as permanent) and global (believing that what you experience in a given situation affects everything you experience) mental attributions. Studies have shown that these types of attributions are a recipe for disaster in viewing life in general and are the chief mental characteristics of people who are depressed or prone to depression.

To get an idea of the mind set, it as if I walked up to you and told you that in order not to be publicly humiliated in front of the whole world as a looser, you had to perform 800 complicated tasks perfectly with the odds succeeding around 1 in 10,000. Could you be confident in this situation? Could you remain totally calm and controlled? Would you not feel overwhelmed?

These internal scripts cause him to be overwhelmed in the presence of women which results in poor actions and behavior that causes him to fail. While these scripts may be a result of a general outlook to life, these scripts tend to manifest themselves because the chump has such an intense desire to not be alone (to have someone emotionally stimulate him) that he makes the woman out to be something far greater than she is: he puts way too much emphasis and importance in a single woman.

To make the situation even worse, a woman can tell a desperate man a mile away. A man who is needy, supplicating and clingy is the ultimate turn off.

So what then is the secret of being more successful with women? The key is to do the opposite of what the chump does. As Dex in the "Tao of Steve" says:


quote:
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Rule 1 of the Tao of Steve: Eliminate your desires. If your out with a girl and you are thinking of getting laid, you're finished. A woman can smell your agenda.
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When you interact with a woman and she senses no desire in you, it does a lot of things. First of all, she will feel more comfortable with you. Secondly, by her sensing you are not lusting after her, it causes her to become confused as to why you are not lusting after her like every other guy does: it makes you stand out. By not overtly desiring her, you become a challenge. Because of the affront to her ego, she all of a sudden wonders how she can make you become more attracted to her or at least notice her. Finally, you will more easily have fun and be more fun to be around which will make women respond more positively towards you.

So how do you eliminate your desire?

To answer this question, we must understand what desire really is.

The essence of desire is wanting things to be other than present experience is. In otherwords, the AFC is focused more than outcomes rather than focusing on the present moment. This is the entire key.

The AFC, after meeting a woman for the first time, is usually so caught up with her (imagining things like marriage, great sex, how a great person she and so on) he builds a complete fiction of who she is because he desperately wants her to be that special someone. When he finally goes on the date, he worries so much of saying or doing the wrong or right things (concerned with the outcomes of his actions or words) he is rarely even mentally there with the woman at all. Instead of concentrating on finding out who she really is, he acts and prances about under the pretense that he already knows who she is – that special woman. But of course, this “special” woman is nothing but a self-imposed fiction.

Because of his intense desire, his ego becomes inseparably involved in the process and the AFC tries to impress her or put on pretenses so as to tell her that he is better than all the rest of the guys she has been with. This type of act actually psychologically tells the woman that he is in fact insecure because he feels the need to remind her that he is better than all the rest.

All a woman really gets from this guy is a nervous, conniving, needy, blabbering fool that appears more occupied in himself than her. Because the guy is not really in tune with her (not really in the moment with her because of his chief concern with the outcome of the date), she senses that the craving is not for her at all but something from her: sex. Like Dex says, "A women can smell your agenda."

The essence of the chump’s problem lies in wanting the woman existing in front of him to have a higher interest in him than what the apparent situation presents her interest as. More simply, the AFC wants the woman to like him so he tries to do things to make her like him. This is a chump in a nutshell.

After seeing what desire is, it becomes apparent how to finally eliminate desire.

If desire, as I so define it, is wanting things to be other than they are, then the elimination of desire is simply accepting the situation as it truly is, or to put it another way, going with the flow of things in the current situation.

As Dex says,


quote:
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Look at me. Technically, I shouldn't get laid, but I do. And you know why, Dave? Because when I'm hanging out with a woman that's all I doing: hanging out, talking, listening, and I'm not sitting there thinking how I can get in bed with them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you are immersed in the situation and not worrying about the outcome, you concentrate on the situation instead of the outcome of the situation. By so doing you become more fully present in the moment, unlike the chump that mind is elsewhere.

As the Buddha stated to a man who wanted a succinct teaching:


quote:
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In the seeing, there is only the seen. In the hearing, there is only the heard. In the sensing, there is only the sensed. In the thinking, there is only the thought.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you are out with a woman, simply be with the woman. When you are talking to her, simply talk to her. When you are kissing her, simply kiss her. Get rid of the idea of a date in your mind. Simply think you are going to meet a woman, not a special woman, not a beautiful woman, not a woman who will satisfy your desires, but simply a woman.

When you are in the state of just being present in the moment with her, you will naturally exude confidence, control and challenge because you are not trying to be anything and you are not trying to achieve anything. The confident man doesn't even think of confidence, he simply is. The controlled man appears naturally in control because being in control is not an issue for him. Finally, the man who is a challenge is not needy because he doesn't need the woman; he derives his pleasure from situations with a woman and not the woman itself.

This type of state, where a person is fully present, is what Dex refers to as "being Steve." Everyone has experienced being in the "flow" or peak states where tasks appear to be done effortlessly. Dating is no exception.

Whereas the chump goes ahead and tries to force things to happen, the Don Juan allows things to happen. In a true Taoist fashion, it is when we are trying the least that we achieve the most success.

Most importantly, when you are "being Steve" you are naturally having fun. If you are dating and not having any fun, you are simply not dating.

Above all else a woman loves a man who naturally appears to have his act together and is fun to be with. Such a man, for all intensive purposes, is free and is loving and living life. And when you are simply enjoying the moment, a woman will want to enjoy it with you.

Enjoy life with or without women and simply be.