When you say you don't believe in "the one" anymore do you mean any LTR that is monogamous or just that there isn't a single person out there meant especially for you? Because I think most of us would agree with the second part. As you state, there are many people we are compatible with and at least a number of them we may commit to being loyal to. But do you think you can be loyal to someone over the course of many many years in a committed relationship through the good and the bad? Or when you say "loyal" do you mean you are willing to become involved with only that person for a shorter amount of time. Basically, not a ONS but certainly not a LTR? Something in between?
When I say "the ONE" I mean I no longer buy the idea that there is a single solitary soulmate destined just especially for me to live with happily ever after.
I mean there isn't a person cut out just for me. There are various people who would be a great match and I think we should each hold out for a great match. So yes, I mean the second part of your statement.
And notice how that attitude and belief springs from an abundant and optimistic mindset. If not this one...there will be another one.
As to the first part of your inquiry above, the monogamous LTR part, I think it is preferable, frankly to be in a monogamous LTR and I am perfectly capable (as are many of the men here) of being pleased with a monogamous LTR. And when I say LTR, yes I mean over years through ups and downs with someone you bond with and love deeply.
But here is the thing. I can only ever be 50% of any relationship. Each man here can only be 50% of his relationship. In a successful relationship BOTH people have to actively show up and bring their 50% to the table. If one or the other does not for whatever reason, eventually the relationship fails. Emotionally healthy people will jettison a relationship if the other person is not up to standard over time.
I also want to touch on a red pill principle, one that many people resent embracing. There is no such thing as "unconditional" love. There can be deep love, intimate love, steadfast love, sacrificial love, but there isn't unconditional love. Not from another human being. Unconditional love is the purview of God or something bigger than a human being. That is the lesson buried in learning to love oneself, and accept ones self. To do that is to embrace the bigger-ness of God's love as it reflects as self love. That is God's gift we can choose to accept within ourselves personally and reflect back into the world. But humans love conditionally. And I contend that is OK. That is healthy actually.
Think of it this way. Would a man here love a woman who refused to behave in a feminine way? A woman who refused to submit to his leadership? A woman who accepted abuse or disrespect? A woman who didn't exhibit self care? A woman who shows you contempt? A woman who lies and is deceitful? Would you love such a woman?
What about an ugly woman?
No? Then you love conditionally. The conditions of your love are your standards. It is good to have standards.
What if the lying, deceitful, disrespectful, abusive person was your parent? What if that person was your child? Your sibling? Would you pursue a close relationship under those circumstances?
I'm not talking about "that's my brother and I love him but I only see him at family gatherings because I really can't stand him". That isn't love. That is obligation or duty parading as love. It isn't a close deep meaningful relationship.
Now. Sometimes obligation and duty are entwined in real love. In fact they most often are. Because love = obligation and duty (includes these)...but duty and obligation do not equate to love necessarily. Obviously we are all human and we all have flaws and none of us are perfect all the time. When we choose someone to associate closely with in life, and we choose to embark on a close journey, and to love someone, we can still love with depth and meaning, with the possibility for acceptance and intimacy, for forgiveness and joy, and we can traverse conflict and pain together in relationship so long as we each continue to bring our 50% of the relationship to the table. And we can do this for a lifetime if we choose to.
So no, I don't believe in the Disney soulmate fantasy. I do however believe in character, and conscious choice, and commitment and loyalty and mature love. And some people are fortunate enough to choose a great partner in their youth...others are not so lucky...but I believe in the possibility of connecting with a great match later along the way in life...so long as we create in ourselves a great match someone else would want to have.
And so again, here we are back to the theme of be the best version of yourself. That is the best thing you can do to facilitate your life. If you do that plenty of other things fall into place.
