Dissolving My Marriage

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

She lost her mind, threatened divorce (half-heartedly), and didn't talk to me for 3 days.

Do you think this is a good environment for your daughter to be in? Now wife starts going out alone, and gets pissed, this where everything starts.

 

[EyeBRollin]

You think the only definition of "wife" is through a legal lense?

In California, yes. If she’s not legally married to the father of her child, she is a baby momma.

 

[DreamAgain]

One does not need to be religious to take marriage seriously. I’m not religious. I take mine seriously and I am never leaving my family unless there are serious transgressions (cheating, abuse, dereliction of duties, etc).

However, I do recognize in the current day, marriage as a social institution has become a mockery, and do not wholeheartedly recommend it to others.

That's not the point I was making, rather, why even get married when you can do all those things regardless?

You can take your relationship seriously without getting married.

There is a reason why the ceremony is done in a church, it is not just because it looks nice inside.

If OP and his wife truly believed in the tenants of what the concept of marriage entails, this post would never have been made.

 

[Manure Spherian]

That's not the point I was making, rather, why even get married when you can do all those things regardless?

Because I personally believe marriage as a social institution (not just two individuals coming together, although it is that as well), and wanted to state my my vows to friends, family, and the community.

If OP and his wife truly believed in the tenants of what the concept of marriage entails, this post would never have been made.

There is nuance to this considering what marriage has become.

I get your points though.

 

[DreamAgain]

Because I personally believe marriage as a social institution (not just two individuals coming together, although it is that as well), and wanted to state my my vows to friends, family, and the community.

There is nuance to this considering what marriage has become.

I get your points though.

It is just a thing most people do because it is expected. I believe very few people, if asked, will mention an aspect of religion when they get married. It is very difficult to go against the grain in society, to be an outsider, an independent thinker.

Hell, most people do most of what they do just because the conveyer belt of society they are on points them in that direction.

Being an independent politically is the most sound decision for example, yet there are so few of them.

 

[Slowhandluke]

Would you advise your daughter to be “not legally or financially married” to a man she had a child with?

why does it matter? child support is still on the table on both cases.

 

[Aristippus]

Money and Muscle:

It sounds like at the root of it all you are living with a very difficult, argumentative woman. You have your flaws too but that's not the point. On the journey to improving yourself, you shouldn't have to feel like you're always in the middle of some kind of battle with a woman who has nothing better to do than to constantly start arguments.

If she knows that she can legally take half of your income for life no matter how bad her behavior is, will that embolden her to care even less about controlling her behavior when the time comes and she knows you can pay huge financial consequences if you refuse to deal with the way she acts? At best it won't have an effect one way or the other. I guarantee that you wouldn't even consider divorce if everything was going great.

So the real question isn't about money. It's about whether or not you can tolerate living with her for the rest of your life given her current behavior. To add insult to injury the state thinks it is God (which it isn't and never will be)....but the state has control over law enforcement and financial institutions. Now the state wants to tell you that if she behaves like a real b!tch long enough that you just can't take it any more, you get to pay a person that you used to love but now hate half of your income until either you reach a ripe old age and she croaks or until you croak.

If the thought of living with her for life is intolerable then end it. Whatever decision you make, you'll have to live with the positive and negative consequences. Only you have enough information on the situation to know the right moves to make. Simply weigh out the positives and negatives and don't let fear cloud your judgement.

 

[Money & Muscle]

If she knows that she can legally take half of your income for life no matter how bad her behavior is, will that embolden her to care even less about controlling her behavior when the time comes and she knows you can pay huge financial consequences if you refuse to deal with the way she acts?

This is the question that brought me to this point.

Girlfriends who want to become wives are on their best behavior.
Wives who are incentivized to take half a man's income and assets - are not on their best behavior. Often far from it.

At best it won't have an effect one way or the other. I guarantee that you wouldn't even consider divorce if everything was going great.

I couldn't have said it better myself. The good times with my wife are so incredible that I'd marry her again. The bad times make me question my sanity.

 

[Bokanovsky]

And why would your wife agree to something like that? Isn't that kind of like trying to negotiate the price of a car...after you've already signed the contract and handed over the check?

 

[Bokanovsky]

In California, yes. If she’s not legally married to the father of her child, she is a baby momma.

Is that a legal term in California?

 

[Money & Muscle]

And why would your wife agree to something like that?

If she want's to stay with me, she will agree to this. If she doesn't, then so be it. I'll be single and have been spending years getting myself in the best shape possible. California could be fun for that. The most hurtful part of this would be my lost time with my daughter.

Yes, it's negotiating the price after paying for it, and yes I know I'm retarded. I was a very naïve 22 year old when I got married.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

For perspective, 2 weeks ago she told me she was going to go line dance at a bar (I work nights so I cannot go with her).
I told her I wasn't comfortable with this, but would allow it if she texted me when she got there, when she left, when she got home, an

Line-dancing is country dancing done to country music. Is your wife a country or country-music loving girl? As far as I know they're supposed to be sweet and traditional, not argumentative and difficult.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Line-dancing is country dancing done to country music. Is your wife a country or country-music loving girl?

She likes country music, and yes that's what most line dancing is (though apparently on the west coast, line dancing is quite popular with the gay crowd, and its often not country, but I digress).

She isn't country. Born and raised in suburbs or cities.

As far as I know they're supposed to be sweet and traditional, not argumentative and difficult.

From my experience - most of them are just like this. Actual country girls, though, not faux ones.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Update

I told my wife the whole deal yesterday and things have been tough since. Not like I was surprised about the reaction, but it hurt both of us more than I expected it to.

My wife is still a bit all over the place emotionally. I've remained steadfast that I view my commitments and vows to her as sacred, and that those will not change so long as we are still together. That I would protect, provide, and be faithful so long as we were an item.

She views this as the first step to a full divorce, which is technically true, to be fair. She's threatened the actual divorce a few times (since last night), and also said she would allow me the "financial divorce"... she keeps going back and forth. (this is why I hadn't posted an update until now). Many times she's told me she does not want my money if we separate, and many times I've told her that this is asking me to trust a version of her that hates me - to not take free money. This is a back-and-forth commentary. Keep in mind that my wife has lied to me before, and is still actively on the instagram account she promised to delete 3x over now (I've verified nothing shady is happening, but it is still a lie that she's promised to correct yet actively violates. she doesn't know that I know).

I've told her that if she wants to leave - if she wants to end the relationship 100%, full divorce, no commitments, that she is and always has been welcome to do so. But that she would have to be the one to walk away, and that she would have to be the one who separates our family. Is that a little fvcked up, maybe - but I'm genuinely not trying to change anything in our relationship except to continue working on it the way I have been for the last year. It's a semantics thing; I viewed my wife as my life partner since before I proposed - I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. Getting legally married did not change how I viewed her or my commitment to her, it was just a thing I did because that's what people do (I was not thinking for myself at this time. Hence naïve commentary).
I will consider her to be my wife so long as we are together; the state is the only member of this marriage I'm trying to be rid of.


I own my role in this. I know what I'm asking for is neither fair nor normal. As I've said before, I made some very naïve choices when I was young, and not preparing for the possible outcome of 50% alimony for life - is one of them I'm paying for now. If there was another option that actually held up in court, I'd be all over that like white on rice.

As of right now, the cards are in my wife's hands. If she wants to be with me, I've invited her do so so in every manner of ways - and these are the terms. If she doesn't want to be with me, then that is her choice - but I'm not going to end it for her.

I am deeply saddened by the possible ending of a relationship with my best friend and time spent with my daughter, but I feel I have no choice but to do this and have accepted both outcomes.

I will try to keep this thread updated as things develop. Thank you to everyone for your input and experiences; you have all helped me through some of the toughest times in my life.

 

[Money & Muscle]

Update

I told my wife the whole deal yesterday and things have been tough since. Not like I was surprised about the reaction, but it hurt both of us more than I expected it to.

My wife is still a bit all over the place emotionally. I've remained steadfast that I view my commitments and vows to her as sacred, and that those will not change so long as we are still together. That I would protect, provide, and be faithful so long as we were an item.

She views this as the first step to a full divorce, which is technically true, to be fair. She's threatened the actual divorce a few times (since last night), and also said she would allow me the "financial divorce"... she keeps going back and forth. (this is why I hadn't posted an update until now). Many times she's told me she does not want my money if we separate, and many times I've told her that this is asking me to trust a version of her that hates me - to not take free money. This is a back-and-forth commentary. Keep in mind that my wife has lied to me before, and is still actively on the instagram account she promised to delete 3x over now (I've verified nothing shady is happening, but it is still a lie that she's promised to correct yet actively violates. she doesn't know that I know).

I've told her that if she wants to leave - if she wants to end the relationship 100%, full divorce, no commitments, that she is and always has been welcome to do so. But that she would have to be the one to walk away, and that she would have to be the one who separates our family. Is that a little fvcked up, maybe - but I'm genuinely not trying to change anything in our relationship except to continue working on it the way I have been for the last year. It's a semantics thing; I viewed my wife as my life partner since before I proposed - I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. Getting legally married did not change how I viewed her or my commitment to her, it was just a thing I did because that's what people do (I was not thinking for myself at this time. Hence naïve commentary).
I will consider her to be my wife so long as we are together; the state is the only member of this marriage I'm trying to be rid of.


I own my role in this. I know what I'm asking for is neither fair nor normal. As I've said before, I made some very naïve choices when I was young, and not preparing for the possible outcome of 50% alimony for life - is one of them I'm paying for now. If there was another option that actually held up in court, I'd be all over that like white on rice.

As of right now, the cards are in my wife's hands. If she wants to be with me, I've invited her do so so in every manner of ways - and these are the terms. If she doesn't want to be with me, then that is her choice - but I'm not going to end it for her.

I am deeply saddened by the possible ending of a relationship with my best friend and time spent with my daughter, but I feel I have no choice but to do this and have accepted both outcomes.

I will try to keep this thread updated as things develop. Thank you to everyone for your input and experiences; you have all helped me through some of the toughest times in my life.

I want to make it clear in this that I take full responsibility for this. This is 100% my doing.

-If these terms are too much for my wife to handle, I accept that. It wasn't fair of me to ask this of her, and I should have had a better understanding of what I was doing when I first got married.
-If these terms are acceptable to my wife, then I will be forever grateful and will happily move forward with improving my relationship.

 

[ThisIsSparta]

Update

I told my wife the whole deal yesterday and things have been tough since. Not like I was surprised about the reaction, but it hurt both of us more than I expected it to.

My wife is still a bit all over the place emotionally. I've remained steadfast that I view my commitments and vows to her as sacred, and that those will not change so long as we are still together. That I would protect, provide, and be faithful so long as we were an item.

She views this as the first step to a full divorce, which is technically true, to be fair. She's threatened the actual divorce a few times (since last night), and also said she would allow me the "financial divorce"... she keeps going back and forth. (this is why I hadn't posted an update until now). Many times she's told me she does not want my money if we separate, and many times I've told her that this is asking me to trust a version of her that hates me - to not take free money. This is a back-and-forth commentary. Keep in mind that my wife has lied to me before, and is still actively on the instagram account she promised to delete 3x over now (I've verified nothing shady is happening, but it is still a lie that she's promised to correct yet actively violates. she doesn't know that I know).

I've told her that if she wants to leave - if she wants to end the relationship 100%, full divorce, no commitments, that she is and always has been welcome to do so. But that she would have to be the one to walk away, and that she would have to be the one who separates our family. Is that a little fvcked up, maybe - but I'm genuinely not trying to change anything in our relationship except to continue working on it the way I have been for the last year. It's a semantics thing; I viewed my wife as my life partner since before I proposed - I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. Getting legally married did not change how I viewed her or my commitment to her, it was just a thing I did because that's what people do (I was not thinking for myself at this time. Hence naïve commentary).
I will consider her to be my wife so long as we are together; the state is the only member of this marriage I'm trying to be rid of.


I own my role in this. I know what I'm asking for is neither fair nor normal. As I've said before, I made some very naïve choices when I was young, and not preparing for the possible outcome of 50% alimony for life - is one of them I'm paying for now. If there was another option that actually held up in court, I'd be all over that like white on rice.

As of right now, the cards are in my wife's hands. If she wants to be with me, I've invited her do so so in every manner of ways - and these are the terms. If she doesn't want to be with me, then that is her choice - but I'm not going to end it for her.

I am deeply saddened by the possible ending of a relationship with my best friend and time spent with my daughter, but I feel I have no choice but to do this and have accepted both outcomes.

I will try to keep this thread updated as things develop. Thank you to everyone for your input and experiences; you have all helped me through some of the toughest times in my life.

You did the right thing.

Most men go into marriage bluepilled and get educated about the error of their ways. So did i and its nothing to be ashamed of, its what society teached us.

A man has to do what he has to do to protect himself because society clearly doesnt give a shiat about men these days.

Hopefully your wife comes around, there is hope yet.

The best way to get a compliant woman on her best behaviour is to take away every leverage she has on you.

Crossing fingers

 

[BeExcellent]

FFS.

Let her go. Allow her a shred of dignity. SO WHAT if she is on social media. You are proposing all sorts of sexual deviations, wanting different intimate contact with other women, and acting generally idiotic & immature. And you expect her to tolerate this???

You are selfish. You have regrets. You have a young daughter who will learn how she will expect to be treated in a marriage by observing how you treat her mother. You are being disrespectful to your wife. You daughter will feel sympathy for her mother and learn that she should accept disrespectful behavior from a man she loves and commits to.

You don't need to give a crap what any of us thinks. You DO need to give a dam what your daughter thinks. Your daughter will despise you for throwing away her mother to pursue money and other women.

You say your wife is combative. You also have said your wife has been open to sexual experimentation, and that you have been passive & have not led your relationship properly. My guess is her perspective would be that she has done whatever she can to accomodate you, she is attractive and a good wife but there is NOTHING she can do because

YOU CONTINUE TO WATER SEEDS OF DISCONTENT.

And now those seeds are growing into serious weeds in the marriage.

Not surprising.

Let her go. Only a passive jerk would say 'I want a financial divorce (BECAUSE IN MY INSECURITIES I DO NOT TRUST YOU) and then tell her she needs to file for the full divorce.

That is a weak ass passive aggressive move intended to avoid accountability and retain the percieved (in your mind) moral high ground to be able to point fingers and blame her for leaving.

This, gentlemen, is who he is. A weak man who lacks the strength to pull the trigger. So instead he creates a tortuous situation for his wife, so in his mind he doesn't need to feel guilty for being unhappy and leaving. He'd rather make things so awful for her that she will file.

No wonder she's combative. Jesus.

 

[Money & Muscle]

FFS.

Let her go. Allow her a shred of dignity. SO WHAT if she is on social media. You are proposing all sorts of sexual deviations, wanting different intimate contact with other women, and acting generally idiotic & immature. And you expect her to tolerate this???

You are selfish. You have regrets. You have a young daughter who will learn how she will expect to be treated in a marriage by observing how you treat her mother. You are being disrespectful to your wife. You daughter will feel sympathy for her mother and learn that she should accept disrespectful behavior from a man she loves and commits to.

You don't need to give a crap what any of us thinks. You DO need to give a dam what your daughter thinks. Your daughter will despise you for throwing away her mother to pursue money and other women.

You say your wife is combative. You also have said your wife has been open to sexual experimentation, and that you have been passive & have not led your relationship properly. My guess is her perspective would be that she has done whatever she can to accomodate you, she is attractive and a good wife but there is NOTHING she can do because

YOU CONTINUE TO WATER SEEDS OF DISCONTENT.

And now those seeds are growing into serious weeds in the marriage.

Not surprising.

Let her go. Only a passive jerk would say 'I want a financial divorce (BECAUSE IN MY INSECURITIES I DO NOT TRUST YOU) and then tell her she needs to file for the full divorce.

That is a weak ass passive aggressive move intended to avoid accountability and retain the percieved (in your mind) moral high ground to be able to point fingers and blame her for leaving.

This, gentlemen, is who he is. A weak man who lacks the strength to pull the trigger. So instead he creates a tortuous situation for his wife, so in his mind he doesn't need to feel guilty for being unhappy and leaving. He'd rather make things so awful for her that she will file.

No wonder she's combative. Jesus.

You have considerable wealth, from my understanding.
Do you have a prenup or postnup?

 

[BeExcellent]

You have considerable wealth, from my understanding.
Do you have a prenup or postnup?

Nope. Its about trust between us. Now. The assets I built before my second marriage are in a trust I set up years ago after my first divorce. Keeps them and their income separate.

 

[RickTheToad]

For those of you who have been following along with my situation, I promise you the reason I want to do this is not for the reasons I've posted previously. This is not wild oats, or lackluster sex life, or anything else other than financial protection.

I'm going to divorce my wife, but I want to stay with her.
I want to divorce because it is the only way I can ensure I don't lost half my my gross income, for the rest of my life. Right now, that looks like about $5,000 monthly.

Yes, I've had a lot of problems in my marriage recently, but I genuinely want to work them out. I also cannot allow myself to get r*ped by divorce because I waited too long in hopes of a better outcome. I don't want to be compelled to stay with her at the threat of $5,000 monthly payments... if I'm staying with her, it's because I want to stay with her - not any other reason.

As the law stands, anything past 10 years (really 9, but I digress), my wife could literally be cheating on me regularly, and if I chose to divorce - I still would have to pay alimony. The state doesn't care.
I do not think my wife is cheating on me or ever has, but that isn't the point... I am literally held at her will past 9 years.

So my plan is to discuss this with my wife. My ideal outcome is that we get "financially divorced" but nothing changes from our day-to-day lives... I want nothing to change except our signatures on a piece of paper.

I'm also quite aware that this could spiral into my wife wanting the full divorce, separation, 50% income, 50% assets, primary custody, etc. If that really is what she wants, then I guess it's better to deal with that sooner than later. If I do this now, I will still owe her all of those things - but for only 4 years instead of a lifetime.
This is a risk I am willing to take, and I accept the repercussions of this either way.


I know my plan is a little bit insane, because who the hell goes through a divorce to stay with the person they're married to - but that is what I want. A lot of folks here have given me some excellent perspectives on these kinds of things, and I'd like to hear your stories of divorce, or advice in this kind of situation.
As I said, I only want to divorce to protect myself financially, and not be held to a standard of "pay 50% of your gross income for life or go to jail".

Sorry to hear of this dude. It's one of the reasons why I'm so against the marriage cert. I was divorced 15 years ago, and it was a nightmare.

However, what makes you think she's going to go along with it.

Personally, check with a lawyer first, and see how you can position yourself in the best light so you'd not have to go through that mess. Check out https://www.DadsDivorce.com.