Desperate, alone, and in the FriendZone

[Mind_Magic]

I've been lurking on this website for a few days now, devouring information and contemplating new ideas. I finally decided it's time I ask the real questions bothering me.

Due to psychological issues concerning my mother's abandoning me as a child, I've had problems with women all my life (Freud strikes again). I've unwittingly sought to replace her with the women I meet, while simultaneously deciding on inaction every time. End result? A deep longing for a nurturing relationship and a deep, penetrating fear of abandonment that prohibited me from ever, and I do mean EVER, making a move. Sure I've had internet/phone relationships that involved real emotions on my end. I've even fallen in love with one of them. Phone sex/cyberfvcks and even Cam2Cam were a common occurrence. If only that translated into my real life. But real life is scary. You don't have the technology walls to hide behind. Online, you are whoever and whatever you say you are, in real life, not so much. Online I'm the cool guy, the life of the party, the bad ass with the cool bike and the leather jacket, and the eternal money tree in the backyard. In the real life I'm the scum of the earth, contemplating suicide at every sign of bad luck, broke and so worthless my own mother couldn't love me.

I've since battled successfully most of these psychological issues (no thanks to shrinks and self-help gurus), and have regained a stable self-esteem. I now have realized and have learned to cope with the unhealthy childhood. I've also learned that I'm a pretty damn good catch. Intelligent, funny, and confident, what's not to love?

The only problem is this whole 24yr old virgin thing. I know that some women know that I'm a good catch, and have all but begged me to fvck them passionately. Keep in mind that I've never, EVER, approached or made any attempt whatsoever to do anything at any time with any girl, except behind my protective technology walls and a tiny bit of flirting with girls who approach me. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the women who have approached ME. The problem is, we flirt, and things go great and such. However, when it comes to crunch time, my paralyzing fear kicks in and I quickly retreat into a Nice Guy mode, and eventually they loose interest.

Take the latest girl for instance. I was in the hot tub one cool September night at my apartment complex talking on the phone to my friend. For some reason they felt the need to turn the jets off at night, and leave them on during the day. I live in a particularly hot climate, where triple digit weather is the norm until about mid Oct. So I was commenting on the stupidity of the idea of sitting in a hot tub midday when it's 100+ outside. This girl was in the hot tub too, and I was completely oblivious to her until she laughed at my jokes. I got off the phone and we began talking. We flirted and talked until she invited me up to her apartment. Awesome! This could be, should be my lucky night, right? As if.

I go up to her apartment and the all-too-familiar demon of fear began to show it's ugly face. We go to her bed (which was really just a blanket on the ground, I would later be responsible for all the furniture show now has), and she waits for me to make a move. I can see it in her eyes, in her body. I choke up and decide to talk. TALK! About what? EVERYTHING! You could see the disappointment in her face. I'm not what she thought. Now she begins yawning and talking about how tired she is, which is my queue to leave. I leave, lonely, slightly horny, and beating myself up the way home. Well basically since then I've worked hard at placing myself in the FriendZone. Why, you may ask? This stupid, irrational, impenetrable fear. We hang out virtually every day, and do date thing, but its as friends.

Well some time has passed since then, and now it seems, she's pretty much given up on me. We're still friends, and close friends at that. But I'm forever in the FriendZone now. She still tries to fish something out of me that says something of "I want to fvck you." and as usual, I neither confirm nor deny it. But it's different. It's as if she's on to me. Instead of trying to get me to make the first move, it's now seeming to be a matter of her just wanting to know if i like her. Which I do, but this brings me to my dilemma. We are very close friends now, and I enjoy her friendship very much. I don't want to change that for the world and have now decided it is in my best interest to just continue working on that, and that alone when it comes to her. But I like her. She's different than most girls I've met or seen, and there's something captivating about her. I'm like two people. One likes her as strictly a friend and almost views her as a little sister (even though she's a year older, figure that one out), and the other person is crazy about her.

Wow. This was A LOT longer than I intended! Now, my questions: First. How do I stop feeling crazy about her while still remaining good friends? Second, how do I learn to grasp hold of this fear? And Third, my biggest problem is transitioning from one stage to another. Once I grasp hold of the fear, I won't know what to do. Most of the advice I've come across talk about how to get a girl interested. But I don't know how to respond to her interest.

 

[AFCToDJSlowButSurely]

hey bro, dont get discouraged as i can relate. im 26, recently moved back home to go to a nearby community college, my mother is probably bipolar(have never had a good relationship with her from day 1) she is basically the spoiled little girl that never grew up. she has cheated on my father at least twice that i know of, and him being a total AFC has taken her back yet again. ive pretty much never had a meaningful relationship in my life and struggle making friends and meeting people(virgin as well), though i have had clear opportunities to remedy that. also probably have/had cyber oneitis on this girl i was talking to up and used to cyber with up to till 6 months ago. so yeh, you arent alone out there. and no im not looking for any sympathy for my situation as its partly my own fault anyway, just giving an example.

a good novel i read a while ago is a "Child Called It" its kinda sappy but basically the guy's mother abused him till he was 10 or so, then he went into foster homes etc. eventually he ended up married with a kid and flying planes(something he always wanted to do) point of the story is, he embodies what a Don Juan is in that he never gave up even when the world gave him a **** sandwich to eat.

so to address your ?s, i do not claim to be any expert and but from what ive read here this seems best:

1. meet other women(so you arent focused on just her) this can be striking up a convo at the grocery store, the mall, w/e(read this article on how to approach w/o rejection, im going to try this myself as i have tons of cold approach fear. http://www.sosuave.com/articles/jj/start.htm

2. internalize that you are THE MAN, you are the PRIZE, not any woman. i wrote down some motivational things on cards and look at them as much as possible to internalize these sayings. If you say something often enough you will believe it and it WILL come true.

3. search for an article on kino escalation tips. i also struggle with this but have been getting better, just make it casual and start on friends(heck practice on your female friend lol) kinda makes me wish i had a chick friend to practice stuff on.

once again im far from being any sort of field expert but this stuff should work. take from it what you will. best of luck and go get em! its a new year!

 

[slaog]

You are responsible for your life. Nobody else can effect it. The more you blame your mother or anyone else for you problems the more you're giving away your power. So from now on stop blaming her. Remember that she had her own issues too and was not in mentally sound health.


You're putting women on pedestals. You've a low value mindset and thats a turn off for women. It makes you act low value and the signs of this includes being afraid of getting rejected etc. Think of yourself as being high value. Keep that in mind and make it a habit and you'll see things improving.


Also, if you treat women like friends you'll end up as a friend. To create sexual attraction you need to act more sexual around women. Thats why women prefer badboys more then nice guys.


Stick around the site and keep reading and also read the DJ bible first. Work on your inner game and your problems won't be problems anymore.

 

[Mind_Magic]

You are responsible for your life. Nobody else can effect it. The more you blame your mother or anyone else for you problems the more you're giving away your power. So from now on stop blaming her. Remember that she had her own issues too and was not in mentally sound health.

You're right, I have been blaming her. Up until the point that I realized the problem. I figured out that a problem with your upbringing is only the parent's fault until you realize the problem, then it's your responsibility.

You're putting women on pedestals. You've a low value mindset and thats a turn off for women. It makes you act low value and the signs of this includes being afraid of getting rejected etc. Think of yourself as being high value. Keep that in mind and make it a habit and you'll see things improving.

I guess I don't quite get that. I've developed a pretty healthy self-esteem now. My problem isn't really making them interested in me, so much as it is escalating things. I mean, there is the never approaching women thing, but I seem to do an OK job of creating initial interest without trying. That's the problem. No trying. Nothing ever happens, because I do nothing. They like me, and even pursue me. But I do nothing, and they eventually give up and move on. Its like having a machine called the Wish-O-Matic 2000, guaranteed to make true your every wish, but never turning the damned thing on.

Also, if you treat women like friends you'll end up as a friend. To create sexual attraction you need to act more sexual around women. Thats why women prefer badboys more then nice guys.

Ain't that the truth. I'm still kicking myself for the countless times I've put myself in the FriendZone. And I guess I don't quite understand how to act more sexual, or to escalate things. And I'm a slow learner. I have to dissect everything to the smallest detail until something in my brain finally clicks, and it all makes sense.

 

[Mind_Magic]

...she has cheated on my father at least twice that i know of, and him being a total AFC has taken her back yet again...and no im not looking for any sympathy for my situation as its partly my own fault anyway, just giving an example.

Lol. Learned AFCness from dad too, eh? My dad was beyond AFC, and after my mom left, never even sought out a new relationship. Just sat and wallowed til the day he died. And I know what you mean, no point in receiving sympathy, and no sympathy deserved if you're the victim of your own stupidity.

a "Child Called It"

Read it, own it. Good but sappy.

1. meet other women(so you arent focused on just her) this can be striking up a convo at the grocery store, the mall, w/e(read this article on how to approach w/o rejection, im going to try this myself as i have tons of cold approach fear. http://www.sosuave.com/articles/jj/start.htm

Probably about the only thing I can do.

2. internalize that you are THE MAN, you are the PRIZE, not any woman. i wrote down some motivational things on cards and look at them as much as possible to internalize these sayings. If you say something often enough you will believe it and it WILL come true.

I've already begun that process and have seen dramatic results in my view of myself. It's amazing what long, positive conversations with your own reflection can do for you.

3. search for an article on kino escalation tips. i also struggle with this but have been getting better, just make it casual and start on friends(heck practice on your female friend lol) kinda makes me wish i had a chick friend to practice stuff on.

Start on friends? casual? I'm confused.

Maybe I already know the answers, I' m just a stubborn fool who needs them beaten into my head. But hey, information is retained better when it's the most determined information to enter my brain.

 

[slaog]

I guess I don't quite get that. I've developed a pretty healthy self-esteem now. My problem isn't really making them interested in me, so much as it is escalating things. I mean, there is the never approaching women thing, but I seem to do an OK job of creating initial interest without trying. That's the problem. No trying. Nothing ever happens, because I do nothing. They like me, and even pursue me. But I do nothing, and they eventually give up and move on. Its like having a machine called the Wish-O-Matic 2000, guaranteed to make true your every wish, but never turning the damned thing on.

Why do you do nothing?

Ain't that the truth. I'm still kicking myself for the countless times I've put myself in the FriendZone. And I guess I don't quite understand how to act more sexual, or to escalate things. And I'm a slow learner. I have to dissect everything to the smallest detail until something in my brain finally clicks, and it all makes sense.

Treat women like little girls, be the leader and just have fun with them. Its about creating good feelings in women and you do that by the way you treat them. Bring out their femininity by being a masculine man.

 

[Mind_Magic]

Why do you do nothing?

Ha. I actually realized today exactly what you meant when you said I put them on a pedestal. And I was thinking about this very thing. I was at the bar today shootin' pool and watching Green Bay kick the sh*t out of Arizona on the big screen (Yup, Packers fan). As I sat to drink my beer, I was thinking about the suggestion the other guy had made about practicing KINO on my female friend. Instantly, the pesky voice in my head began to paint a picture of her up and ending the friendship because I tried to make a move wayyyy too late. Then I thought about other women, and thought about this fear thing I have and it hit me. I'm too worried about what they think about me. I look to them to value me. And shy away like a coward for fear of their punishing me by not liking me. Then the words flashed through my brain, "You put women on a pedestal" and I had to chuckle. I understand, I think. I don't care if she does or doesn't like a famous actor for example, so why should I care if they like or don't like me or what I am trying to do? I don't care if I offend anyone else under any other context, so why should I care in this one?

Fear. Not just of rejection, though that's definitely there, but also fear of abandonment. Ha, I sound like a chick. God I'm a wimp.

 

[tafakna]

I've since battled successfully most of these psychological issues (no thanks to shrinks and self-help gurus), and have regained a stable self-esteem.

Honestly, I think it's very healthy to try to solve your own problems, but in this case the issue has very deep roots.

There's absolutely nothing wrong in trying to find a good psychologist.

Imagine yourself 20 years from now having the same problems, it doesn't make any sense.

 

[Forty0ztoFreedom]

Dude, I completely relate. Even now there's this one girl I went out with Saturday night . . Granted I'm not as lame as I once was, but still. Couldn't plant an honest to goodness kiss. Just a peck on the lips. The same guy who on a different occasion, with his mind in the right place, could approach and escalate like it was his job, and have fun doing it.

But certain girls . . WTF. Its like the 'game' is sapped. Its escalation anxiety.

You say you crave this nurturing relationship. To be loved. Here's what I've boiled it down to in me, though these revelations are always subject to change:

You're getting that 'loved' feeling. You're being 'liked.' Or maybe you at least know the POSSIBILITY is there. Its a warm and fuzzy feeling. But . . what if you're wrong? What if you do go for the kiss or escalate, and it turns out YOU WERE WRONG! The illusion is shattered. You were never 'liked.' This is the irrational fear in me, and maybe you can relate.

The answer is to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Don't allow someone to have such power over you . . to melt your heart at the slightest attention, and don't dwell in fantasy. Don't think of what 'could be.' Losing that 'could be' is what is FREEZING you. Focus on what IS. Right now.

I would step away from this girl. Cut contact. Not as a 'trick' to get her, for your own sanity. At least a month. Make something up. Get busy real quick. If she calls or texts, make it short and sweet. No need to be rude, just be genuine . . you can't talk right now. Those oneitus feelings aren't real, as strong as they are. Somewhere in you there must be your rational self who KNOWS this. The feelings are just feelings, and they will pass. She's just another PERSON. What's happening is within YOU.

ADDED: Almost forgot . . for getting over the escalation anxiety, don't worry about getting laid right now. Take it down a notch. Go out with something like "I'm gonna get a kiss" or even just projecting sexual intent in ANY way. Say "the things I want to do to you" by the end of the night, for instance. Even if it comes out weird. Even if you have to chicken out and say "sorry" or "just kidding" at the end. Just do it. Take it in small steps.

 

[Johnny_Kage]

This is what I want you to do: stop thinking, stop analyzing, and stop trying to diagnose your problem. Your problem isn't with your mom and you don't need a psychiatrist. This is what you need to do: go out, find some girls, and make moves on them. JUST FVCKING DO IT!! That's how you conquer your fears. Stop thinking, start doing. That's it. It's that simple. Now go!

JK

 

[Mind_Magic]

Forty0ztoFreedom

Ha. Sublime. Awesome.

... escalation anxiety.

You say you crave this nurturing relationship. To be loved. Here's what I've boiled it down to in me, though these revelations are always subject to change:

You're getting that 'loved' feeling. You're being 'liked.' Or maybe you at least know the POSSIBILITY is there. Its a warm and fuzzy feeling. But . . what if you're wrong? What if you do go for the kiss or escalate, and it turns out YOU WERE WRONG! The illusion is shattered. You were never 'liked.' This is the irrational fear in me, and maybe you can relate.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

The answer is to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Don't allow someone to have such power over you . . to melt your heart at the slightest attention, and don't dwell in fantasy. Don't think of what 'could be.' Losing that 'could be' is what is FREEZING you. Focus on what IS. Right now.

Right. Now. How do I do that?

I would step away from this girl. Cut contact. Not as a 'trick' to get her, for your own sanity. At least a month. Make something up. Get busy real quick. If she calls or texts, make it short and sweet. No need to be rude, just be genuine . . you can't talk right now. Those oneitus feelings aren't real, as strong as they are. Somewhere in you there must be your rational self who KNOWS this. The feelings are just feelings, and they will pass. She's just another PERSON. What's happening is within YOU.

Hmmm.... That'll be hard. And I'm the only one in my city that she knows. I'd feel bad knowing that she's got absolutely nothing to do.

ADDED: Almost forgot . . for getting over the escalation anxiety, don't worry about getting laid right now. Take it down a notch. Go out with something like "I'm gonna get a kiss" or even just projecting sexual intent in ANY way. Say "the things I want to do to you" by the end of the night, for instance. Even if it comes out weird. Even if you have to chicken out and say "sorry" or "just kidding" at the end. Just do it. Take it in small steps.

Of course, why didn't I think of that. Far more practical than any scheme I've been thinking.

 

[ENIGMA16]

Alright, so you've basically determined that you've got the same problem that every single other guy on earth has when approaching women: fear. I say this because it's good to hear that you're not alone and that pretty much every guy has a fear of rejection or making an idiot out of themselves. The only difference is the extent of the fear and how one deals with it.

Well some time has passed since then, and now it seems, she's pretty much given up on me. We're still friends, and close friends at that. But I'm forever in the FriendZone now. She still tries to fish something out of me that says something of "I want to fvck you." and as usual, I neither confirm nor deny it. But it's different. It's as if she's on to me. Instead of trying to get me to make the first move, it's now seeming to be a matter of her just wanting to know if i like her. Which I do, but this brings me to my dilemma. We are very close friends now, and I enjoy her friendship very much. I don't want to change that for the world and have now decided it is in my best interest to just continue working on that, and that alone when it comes to her. But I like her. She's different than most girls I've met or seen, and there's something captivating about her. I'm like two people. One likes her as strictly a friend and almost views her as a little sister (even though she's a year older, figure that one out), and the other person is crazy about her.

The reality of the situation I think is that you really do want to f*ck her and you do have feelings for her. That whole "let's just be friends" crap is just you attempting to hide from your fear; after all, if you don't want to make a move then there is no issue of confronting your fear. So you're using this "friends" fantasy to hide from your fears. So recognize that.

Second, I highly doubt you will be able to take this relationship with this girl anywhere. Your fear was the smallest when you first met this girl because of the fact that you didn't have any emotional investment in her; now that you have all this emotional investment the stakes are exponentially higher in your brain, and a failure with her would register much more seriously than if you just got rejected the first night you met her. So I doubt that you will any time soon be able to make any moves on her. Your relationship will be a distant friendship (you'll think it's close until she gets a boyfriend), until she gets a boyfriend when she'll either hardly talk to you or stop talking you completely. That is just the nature of guy-girl relationships.

So my suggestion to you is to start confronting your fear with girls that you have never met in your life. The safest and easiest environment is somewhere that you have never been and probably won't be again (on vacation, or out of town, for example). If you don't want to have to travel then your next safest bet is to go to bars/clubs that you hardly ever go to. I suggest you bring a friend (preferably someone in a similar situation, which should be 95% of your friends) and play crash and burn.

Here's how we play:
Figure out who's going to go first. This person actually doesn't go first but instead picks the target for the second player, who will actually go first. The second player has to go up to the girl and either try to get a rejection or a phone number (originally the game was just about getting rejected but me and my friends figured it was stupid to not go for the number if you're comfortable enough trying). Just do that all night and after a night of rejections it will be easy as hell (if you're super nervous the first day then just get really drunk beforehand and the following times you go out drink less and less until you're doing it sober).

Do this and maybe go through the Bootcamp as well. When you're ready to handle other girls you'll be ready to make your move on this one, and your oneitis will probably be severely diminished. I suggest not calling this girl until then (and if she contacts you keep it polite but distant).

First. How do I stop feeling crazy about her while still remaining good friends?

As I said before, remaining good friends is just your way of getting close to her without risk. You shouldn't be friends with this girl if you have feelings for her. You can only have one or the other; either stop talking to her until the feelings are gone and remain friends or make your move and risk it.

And Third, my biggest problem is transitioning from one stage to another. Once I grasp hold of the fear, I won't know what to do.

What do you mean? What stage? You said you were flirting with this girl in the hot tub, and you did so well that she invited you up to her apartment to f*ck so you're obviously good at that. What stage are you talking about?

 

[ENIGMA16]

Alright just read over the rest of the thread.

Ha. I actually realized today exactly what you meant when you said I put them on a pedestal. And I was thinking about this very thing. I was at the bar today shootin' pool and watching Green Bay kick the sh*t out of Arizona on the big screen (Yup, Packers fan).

Good man!

Wisconsinite?

As I sat to drink my beer, I was thinking about the suggestion the other guy had made about practicing KINO on my female friend. Instantly, the pesky voice in my head began to paint a picture of her up and ending the friendship because I tried to make a move wayyyy too late. Then I thought about other women, and thought about this fear thing I have and it hit me. I'm too worried about what they think about me. I look to them to value me. And shy away like a coward for fear of their punishing me by not liking me. Then the words flashed through my brain, "You put women on a pedestal" and I had to chuckle. I understand, I think. I don't care if she does or doesn't like a famous actor for example, so why should I care if they like or don't like me or what I am trying to do? I don't care if I offend anyone else under any other context, so why should I care in this one?

This is the entire point! You get it! What putting women on a pedestal means is that you are the one trying to qualify yourself to them! In reality, you should be the one on the pedestal and they should be qualifying themselves to you. You need to knock them off the pedestal and get up there.

God I'm a wimp.

No you're not. You're a player in disguise. You've said yourself that you have absolutely no problem initially attracting women; you're a f*cking natural! That for most guys is the hard part. The only thing you have trouble with is following through, and while it seems like a huge mountain to get over it really isn't (making a mountain out of a mole hill is the saying that comes to mind).

First, you need to stop saying negative "I am" statements. Yes, you might have acted like a wimp or an idiot in the past, but when you convert an act (i.e. something you do) into a self-defining statement then you are basically stating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are a wimp if you believe it. Conversely, you are a player if you believe it.

You should never be saying negative "I am" statements about yourself, EVER. Got that? Read it again. Memorize it. Every time you catch yourself thinking like that address it and correct it. You should only be speaking good of yourself, because you are a good person. You might act badly sometimes but inside you are a good person. Say that to yourself every morning after you wake up and every evening before you go to bed.

As for the suggestion to seek help, I would highly recommend it. I'm currently seeing a counselor that's really helped me identify issues that I otherwise would not have been able to identify. Make sure you find a good one, though; there are a lot of crazies out there.

Hmmm.... That'll be hard. And I'm the only one in my city that she knows. I'd feel bad knowing that she's got absolutely nothing to do.

This is false. If she told you this then it is a lie. She probably has friends and if not she is perfectly capable of making them. You are not necessary.

 

[Forty0ztoFreedom]

Right. Now. How do I do that?

How do you drop a hot rock?

OK, not THAT simple. But just keep trying. Put yourself in situations where you FORCE yourself to confront that fear of not being liked maybe. I've had nights where I force myself to approach even when I'm feeling AFC, knowing I'll probably be blown out and make a fool of myself. Its liberating when that happens because you realize its no big deal. (And don't be shocked when it doesn't happen . . people aren't out to make a fool out of you)

In fact, I can say with confidence that FEARING the massive social DEATH and shattering of your own self-perception and reality (the false way the ego sees it) is a way worse feeling than when something actually goes wrong . . which usually consists of you grabbing another drink and ending up back where you started, but with a slight rush because you WENT FOR IT. Oh the horror.

Its all BS, all of it . . These stupid fears. But I know all too well how strong the fear could be, as irrational as it is. Like I said, I dealt with it this weekend. But at least now, I'm more annoyed with myself for not pushing as much as I could, as opposed to not pushing at all.

 

[Mind_Magic]

Wisconsinite?

Nope, Arizonian lol. Blame the cheese hats.

No you're not. You're a player in disguise. You've said yourself that you have absolutely no problem initially attracting women; you're a f*cking natural! That for most guys is the hard part. The only thing you have trouble with is following through, and while it seems like a huge mountain to get over it really isn't (making a mountain out of a mole hill is the saying that comes to mind).

And approaching. I've never approached, they've always approached me. And it's always been when I was having such a good time, I didn't care about them. Hmmm... must be something to that.

First, you need to stop saying negative "I am" statements. Yes, you might have acted like a wimp or an idiot in the past, but when you convert an act (i.e. something you do) into a self-defining statement then you are basically stating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are a wimp if you believe it. Conversely, you are a player if you believe it.

You should never be saying negative "I am" statements about yourself, EVER. Got that? Read it again. Memorize it. Every time you catch yourself thinking like that address it and correct it. You should only be speaking good of yourself, because you are a good person. You might act badly sometimes but inside you are a good person. Say that to yourself every morning after you wake up and every evening before you go to bed.

This is one I've used a lot in the past. this has rang true whenever I needed confidence in any other field of my life except with women. I guess I've never thought about NEVER allowing negative "i am" statements from myself.

As for the suggestion to seek help, I would highly recommend it. I'm currently seeing a counselor that's really helped me identify issues that I otherwise would not have been able to identify. Make sure you find a good one, though; there are a lot of crazies out there.

You're right about the crazies. And that's all I've found. I don't trust shrinks.

This is false. If she told you this then it is a lie. She probably has friends and if not she is perfectly capable of making them. You are not necessary.

Well she's from another state. Came down here with nothing. I've given, or helped get, every piece of furniture that she has. She doesn't go out and meet people, and the ones she has met (all neighbors, btw) she's since cut off completely. I know she's capable of making friends, (she met me, after all). Lol today she hit me up for some $$. Oh sh*t. She's starting to think she can use me. Not gonna happen. Can't happen. Won't happen. Nuff of this AFC crap.

 

[Mind_Magic]

What do you mean? What stage? You said you were flirting with this girl in the hot tub, and you did so well that she invited you up to her apartment to f*ck so you're obviously good at that. What stage are you talking about?

If you do nothing, nothing happens. This has been my life story. If I don't do anything to escalate, nothing will happen. Even if she kinos me, when she has and they have, if I don't kino back, the moment dies. This is what I mean. I don't know how to escalate. I don't know how to respond to a girl's interest once I've got it. I also don't really know how to actively get a girl's interest. I get them interested when I'm not trying to get them interested, and I keep not trying anything until they give up. Dude, I've been WBWBAFC. Even my friends who play WoW all day do better than me. And I don't know how to change.

I also have another problem, has to do with my confidence and status. I don't have too many friends, about a handful. And I just recently lost my job, haven't been able to replace it with anything but a **** job that gives me 7 hours a week. As such, I've lost my apartment, truck was repo'd, and now live in family member's RV and due to recent weight loss, clothes are way too big and I don't have money to replace them. I have virtually nothing. I don't want sympathy, I just don't see what I have as far as status goes to be confident in. I'm confident in things internal, things money has no bearing on. But in status I definately feel like ****. With the exception of the girl I've currently got oneitis for, how could I bring girls to this? How can I go out with clothes that don't fit properly? Hell, how can I go out with no $$?

I'm working on fixing these things too, but with the amount of debt I've racked up, I'm looking at a good year at least before I can rent again. And that's if I find a job soon. Don't tell me to wait til these things are fixed before thinking about dating. I'm tired of being alone.

 

[seano99]

just a quick reply -

why not make 2010 about getting your life back on track.. then 2011 can be about the next step - that's how i'm approaching this year.

even if you cant afford a gym membership, workout at home... bodyweight exercises... pushups, situps, pull ups, dips, etc. it's important for your confidence, as well as so you can fit back into your clothes!

i can understand you are tired of being alone, but you need to get yourself sorted first. you will attract better girls when you're in a good (mental) place

2010 = get status and get $$ so you can go out in 2011!

meanwhile you can approach girls in your day to day life, when you buy groceries, when you take your dog for a walk, etc etc

good luck mate

 

[ENIGMA16]

If you do nothing, nothing happens. This has been my life story. If I don't do anything to escalate, nothing will happen. Even if she kinos me, when she has and they have, if I don't kino back, the moment dies. This is what I mean. I don't know how to escalate. I don't know how to respond to a girl's interest once I've got it. I also don't really know how to actively get a girl's interest. I get them interested when I'm not trying to get them interested, and I keep not trying anything until they give up. Dude, I've been WBWBAFC. Even my friends who play WoW all day do better than me. And I don't know how to change.

So you don't know how to kino back? What goes through your mind when a girl shows interest and does this to you?

I also have another problem, has to do with my confidence and status. I don't have too many friends, about a handful. And I just recently lost my job, haven't been able to replace it with anything but a **** job that gives me 7 hours a week. As such, I've lost my apartment, truck was repo'd, and now live in family member's RV and due to recent weight loss, clothes are way too big and I don't have money to replace them. I have virtually nothing. I don't want sympathy, I just don't see what I have as far as status goes to be confident in. I'm confident in things internal, things money has no bearing on. But in status I definately feel like ****. With the exception of the girl I've currently got oneitis for, how could I bring girls to this? How can I go out with clothes that don't fit properly? Hell, how can I go out with no $$?

First, you say you have confidence but I don't see it. All I see is a post that is attacking yourself. I'm not going to give you sympathy but man you really need to stop thinking so poorly of yourself. All of these problems are easily solveable. As for the job thing, that's the root of your problem. Once you have a job you'll have money. So get a second job. And don't tell me there aren't any jobs out there because that's just not true; there are plenty of jobs out there that you might not want to take because they suck. Hell if I were you I'd be working at McDonald's if I had to.

Second, none of these other things really matter. Yes, your looks are important, and wearing clothes that are too big isn't the greatest, but girls are primarily concerned with how you carry yourself and what kind of energy you give off. The awkward dude with the slick clothes will never get as much ***** as the really cool dude with ****ty clothes.

Also, your clothes are too big because you lost weight!!! That's wonderful! You should be happy that your clothes are too big, because losing weight is a good thing! Stop beating yourself up and focusing on the negatives so much.

I'm working on fixing these things too, but with the amount of debt I've racked up, I'm looking at a good year at least before I can rent again. And that's if I find a job soon. Don't tell me to wait til these things are fixed before thinking about dating. I'm tired of being alone.

If you're "tired of being alone" then you're not comfortable with yourself. You should never be "tired of being alone". You should be happy when you're alone. When you use a girl to fill a void in your life you will not have a healthy relationship.