Dealing with sh1theads

[Captain Redbeard]

This is going to be a long post. You’ve been warned.

I want to discuss dealing with sh1tty people. I’m going to tell you 2 stories and I want to hear what some of y'all would have done differently.



Story #1

Recently my apartment building hosted a happy hour event in the lobby for residents. Usually the people that show up to these events are not the most socially adept but I decided to pop in for a free glass of wine. I get down there and it is an awkward looking crowd. Great. I pour myself a little wine and join the small group of people near the drinks table.

Fidgety body language, no real eye contact, definitely some Tylenol users. We’re going through “what do you do?” since no one is original or capable of more. I decide that I have no desire to do all the heavy lifting and make the conversation interesting so I just mention some recent consulting work I’ve been doing.

A short troll of a woman suddenly pipes up that she always thought consulting was kind of bull**** but congratulates me for being able to make money with it. I just smile, take a sip of the wine, and ask about her vocation.

“I take care of the youth, I’m a teacher. I thought about doing something else but then realized I had a soul.”

I tell her it sounds like the youth are in great hands and go find the building maintenance guy. We shoot the sh1t for a few and then I bounce.

Now, in dealing with a miserable kunt such as this fine specimen I don’t waste time or energy engaging further. Not worth it, don’t feed the trolls.



But what if you may be forced to interact with such a person on a longer timescale?


Story #2

Eagle-eyed visitors of the forum will note that I was inactive for quite a while. I was in a relationship that has since ended. Let’s go back in time….

The relationship is going well. She is planning a trip to get together with her family and wants me to tag along. They are scattered all over the country so this would be my first time meeting everyone. I agree to the trip.

Dynamic on the trip with the family is odd. Some are open and excited to meet me, others more or less indifferent, and one is actively unwelcoming. Her brother specifically is the hostile party.

The trip is a long weekend. Throughout the trip the brother makes it known that he isn’t really a fan but it is very subtle. One or two off-hand comments. No interest in getting to know me. I guess he felt I was infringing on the family time and is just putting on a little show as the manchild he is.

For the most part, I focus on everyone else and treat the brother as you do your thing, I’ll do mine. That changes on the last day of the trip.

I wake up before anyone else in the house and go down to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Brother comes down and makes the most of his opportunity while it is one-on-one and there are no witnesses.

Starts a fake friendly conversation that quickly turns into “why are you dating my sister?” I was between jobs at the time of the trip so he starts asking questions about my ability to pay for things. I had started out half answering his questions but now he’s really pissed me off and it turns into me just staring at him with a are-you-fvcking-serious face and him trying to get a reaction out of me with more questions.

Flatly declares that he doesn’t approve of me and thinks we should break up. I tell him that we’ll be the ones to figure that out.

Just after this, my ex came down and could sense the tension. I left the kitchen area and she came and found me. It’s the last day of the trip and I want to keep things somewhat positive so I just tell her that her brother is an azzhole and we can talk about it later.



That interaction bothered me for a long time.

He caught me off-guard. No one else was around. If I popped him in the face (which a part of me definitely wanted to) he could easily twist the scenario. And who is the family going to believe? I didn’t give him the reaction he was looking for but I felt like I could’ve done more to assert myself in the situation. I was thinking about trying to keep the peace and that I would have to interact with him in the future so it was better to remain stoic than to tell him what a piece of turd he was.

I know his actions provided a window into his own deficiencies. But how do you typically deal with people like this? Part of the issue is that at the time I was outwardly stoic but internally I was riled up. Always room for growth in developing a strong frame and not letting these things throw you off.


Thoughts?

 

[Bokanovsky]

This is going to be a long post. You’ve been warned.

I want to discuss dealing with sh1tty people. I’m going to tell you 2 stories and I want to hear what some of y'all would have done differently.



Story #1

Recently my apartment building hosted a happy hour event in the lobby for residents. Usually the people that show up to these events are not the most socially adept but I decided to pop in for a free glass of wine. I get down there and it is an awkward looking crowd. Great. I pour myself a little wine and join the small group of people near the drinks table.

Fidgety body language, no real eye contact, definitely some Tylenol users. We’re going through “what do you do?” since no one is original or capable of more. I decide that I have no desire to do all the heavy lifting and make the conversation interesting so I just mention some recent consulting work I’ve been doing.

A short troll of a woman suddenly pipes up that she always thought consulting was kind of bull**** but congratulates me for being able to make money with it. I just smile, take a sip of the wine, and ask about her vocation.

“I take care of the youth, I’m a teacher. I thought about doing something else but then realized I had a soul.”

I tell her it sounds like the youth are in great hands and go find the building maintenance guy. We shoot the sh1t for a few and then I bounce.

Now, in dealing with a miserable kunt such as this fine specimen I don’t waste time or energy engaging further. Not worth it, don’t feed the trolls.



But what if you may be forced to interact with such a person on a longer timescale?


Story #2

Eagle-eyed visitors of the forum will note that I was inactive for quite a while. I was in a relationship that has since ended. Let’s go back in time….

The relationship is going well. She is planning a trip to get together with her family and wants me to tag along. They are scattered all over the country so this would be my first time meeting everyone. I agree to the trip.

Dynamic on the trip with the family is odd. Some are open and excited to meet me, others more or less indifferent, and one is actively unwelcoming. Her brother specifically is the hostile party.

The trip is a long weekend. Throughout the trip the brother makes it known that he isn’t really a fan but it is very subtle. One or two off-hand comments. No interest in getting to know me. I guess he felt I was infringing on the family time and is just putting on a little show as the manchild he is.

For the most part, I focus on everyone else and treat the brother as you do your thing, I’ll do mine. That changes on the last day of the trip.

I wake up before anyone else in the house and go down to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Brother comes down and makes the most of his opportunity while it is one-on-one and there are no witnesses.

Starts a fake friendly conversation that quickly turns into “why are you dating my sister?” I was between jobs at the time of the trip so he starts asking questions about my ability to pay for things. I had started out half answering his questions but now he’s really pissed me off and it turns into me just staring at him with a are-you-fvcking-serious face and him trying to get a reaction out of me with more questions.

Flatly declares that he doesn’t approve of me and thinks we should break up. I tell him that we’ll be the ones to figure that out.

Just after this, my ex came down and could sense the tension. I left the kitchen area and she came and found me. It’s the last day of the trip and I want to keep things somewhat positive so I just tell her that her brother is an azzhole and we can talk about it later.



That interaction bothered me for a long time.

He caught me off-guard. No one else was around. If I popped him in the face (which a part of me definitely wanted to) he could easily twist the scenario. And who is the family going to believe? I didn’t give him the reaction he was looking for but I felt like I could’ve done more to assert myself in the situation. I was thinking about trying to keep the peace and that I would have to interact with him in the future so it was better to remain stoic than to tell him what a piece of turd he was.

I know his actions provided a window into his own deficiencies. But how do you typically deal with people like this? Part of the issue is that at the time I was outwardly stoic but internally I was riled up. Always room for growth in developing a strong frame and not letting these things throw you off.


Thoughts?

It largely depends on how you carry yourself. It sounds like your approach to dealing with "sh!theads" is generally one of de-escalation and avoidance. That is appropriate for some situations, such as when dealing with complete strangers an/or mentally unstable people. But it does not work when you're dealing with people that you're bound to run into again. By trying to de-escalate, you only embolden them to continue picking on you.

The only way to deal with people like the brother in story #2 is to make it clear from the outset that you are not going ton take sh!t from him. You have too be firm and, if necessary, aggressive. And by aggression I don't mean physical violence but rather your overall demeanour. The fact that he felt comfortable enough to flat out demand that you break up with his sister means that he perceived you as weak. He would have kept his opinion to himself if he has any concerns about your potential response.

 

[Captain Redbeard]

The only way to deal with people like the brother in story #2 is to make it clear from the outset that you are not going ton take sh!t from him.

I was seeking approval from the family (bad mindset). As such, I didn't establish a hard line earlier in the trip and he felt emboldened to come at me. Lessons learned.

I also feel it was a bit of bait on his part.

I appreciate your comments.

 

[BaronOfHair]

I decide that I have no desire to do all the heavy lifting and make the conversation interesting so I just mention some recent consulting work I’ve been doing.

A short troll of a woman suddenly pipes up that she always thought consulting was kind of bull**** but congratulates me for being able to make money with it

That would've been a swell time to retort:

"My prior gig was building IEDs for Al Quaeda... After incinerating a few million infidels alive, it became impossible to deny that The US, Israel, and all the enemies of Islam are here to stay. Finally decided that if I was going to work a bulls-it gig, it might as well be something that paid lavishly, and didn't put me on The CIA and The Mossad's hit list"

 

[plumber]

you did fine. both cases. you don't have a mess to clean up and you can clearly see the situation. neither of them likely will put you in danger so any effort to educate them would be a waist of your time. give your attention to those the appreciate it.

we think others think like us. they don't....

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You eliminate them as best as possible. Your long-term peace and happiness is worth more than any person who tries to make your life miserable.

 

[The Duke]

I think you did fine in both situations.

Sometimes I will take the person in case #1 and intentionally inflate their ego for my amusement.

In case #2, you won't ever win against these clowns. Not worth your effort. Tell your girl about it like you did and that's all you can do. If it happens again you stop the conversation and tell the dude the topic is off limits.

These two are both losers in life. Spend time with folks that matter and make the world spin. They don't act like these two .

 

[Clockwerk50]

Scenario #1: Not sure what your goal was, but assuming you wanted to have a good time, the wiser move is what you did: think as you like, but act like them. Challenging their beliefs or trying to prove a point only stirs insecurity and invites hostility. Save your true thoughts for those who appreciate them, and keep your distance from the miserable and unlucky.

Scenario #2: You were not in a position of power since it was not your environment nor your family; you were a guest. Therefore, the best move was to stay calm, avoid giving him the reaction he wanted, and preserve your dignity. By holding back, you protected yourself, observed his behavior, and bought time to act from a stronger position later.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I was seeking approval from the family (bad mindset). As such, I didn't establish a hard line earlier in the trip and he felt emboldened to come at me. Lessons learned.

I also feel it was a bit of bait on his part.

I appreciate your comments.

I think that meeting everyone in her extended family, all at once, for the first time, was a mistake in an of itself. In a large enough group, it's pretty much inevitable that some people will be *******s. And you can't even extract yourself because you're stuck with them in a different part of the country. Next time, start with meeting her parents first.

 

[Captain Redbeard]

You were not in a position of power since it was not your environment nor your family;

I think that meeting everyone in her extended family, all at once, for the first time, was a mistake in an of itself. In a large enough group, it's pretty much inevitable that some people will be *******s. And you can't even extract yourself because you're stuck with them in a different part of the country. Next time, start with meeting her parents first.

I didn't fully appreciate what that environment would be like until it was too late. I would certainly approach the situation differently in the future.