dealing with disrespect the proper way

[jbbrain]

Fellers,

ahhh, if only this situation was about jealousy! I could deal with that! I'm afraid its a little different however...its something taht can tarnish our relationship forever.

Me-Her-her good friend At a club-resto that I work at.

We're getting drinks, my back is to the bar and theyre both facing me. All of a sudden, my gf asks me if the barboy is single..turns out she loves to play matchmaker and wants to set her friend up with the barboy ( a coworker of mine)...ahhh, her undying need to set her friend up with a guy (because she was recently left by her boyfriend of 1 and a half years) instantly set up "lame" vibe in my head. My gf is 20, I always knew she was a little inexperienced, naive, perhaps even immature, but this somehow really struck a "immature"bell for me.

For a second there I thought I was dating a 13 year old girl. Ahem. In any case, turns out her friend Kristen finds the guy cute so my gf is parctically begging me to ask him if he has a girlfriend. Oh brother. I tell them both that I believe they are out of luck because he's involved with someone else.

A sad look from the both of them.

I'm not ingnorant to the fact that as much as my gf wants to convince herself (and me) that her quest for a replacement for her best friend rests solely for the benefit of her friend, I knew deep down its because she found him attarctive.

Fine. I'm realistic enough to know there are a handful of other men as attractive as me (ha!) and that its perfectly normal for even the most faithful of gf's to acknowledge a good looking man, even to call him cute. I'm no control nazi and I constantly acknowledge women of beauty, so for me its no big deal. I'm not one to impose many double standards (except for a select few!)

If somebody is attractive, everyone is gonna look. This took me a long time to understand and accept. Now, I both receive looks and give looks, I'm fairly comfy with myself and..more than anything, I'm realistic about these types of things.

However, this did not prepare me for what came next. Barboy behind me (in the bar) is smiling at my gf and as I'm talkign to her, she's looking past me and smiling back. ha! She's courteous, she returns a good smile!

But then I see this same trend for the next 5 minutes or so, I "catch" her "stealing" glances at this guy, smiling at him and so on and so forth. She seemingly cant take her eyes off of him!

**** man. MY GF is flirting?? Jbbrain's GF is giving the eye? Yep. And right in front of me as well! Of course I automatically tried to discern if there was any need for concern. Was I just being lame and jealous? I wish. I took a third person perspective and still came up with the same conclusion. There's looking at somebody, and then theres LOOKING at somebody. I was always respectful enough to never gawk at other girls when I was with my lady. I dont do it because I dont want to create any unnecessary drama.

My mind got to think right then and there...hmmm. is she really dumb enough to check out some other guy right in front of me? Secondly, was there something I had recently done to her that could make her try the jealousy card with me?

As far as I knew, everything was grand. In fact, weve been having a lot of fun lately, shes dropping money for me etc..shyt has truly been smoothe sailing. Anyways, I was smarter than to really give a rats ass, and I made sure not to make it a huge deal. I really laughed it off actually and got drunk and partied instead. Til date, I havent mentioned anything to her, although today it got me thinking. In no way am I afraid of losing her to anybody else. If she's willing to give up the best, I would simply wish her all the best.

Should I choose to confront this issue straight up, I must beg the question..Is it really worth it? I'm not marrying this chick, and for me this was just another sign of her immaturity. To boot, shes 20 years old and I think Ive come to convince myself that maybe Ive conjured unrealistic expectations on this girl. Its sucks because a few months ago, somehting liek this would have never happened. Incidentally, I've noticed her become more self involved and attention seekign since shes been working at this trendy club as a waitress. She gets approached all the time by men..im sure both dj's and afc's alike. I fear that this innocence that Ive come to respect so much about her has slowly been tarnished through these past months. Being told that youre beautiful, offered modelling contracts etc etc by dozens of men could turn anybody into a narcissist...

But I digress. I cant decide whether i give a fvck or NOT. I mean, I obviously gave enough of a fvck to write this silly assed post..but...Moreover, should I give a fvck? If I decide she still worth my exclusivity and my loyalty, god only knows the extent of how much I will put her back in her place.

Rant off.

 

[C-Mack]

I think someone whom you hate told you this would happen. To bad you didn't listen. You sound real jealous and insecure right now.

Why don't you next her as you guys call it.

 

[Ridingthelightning]

Heres some tissues for your issues.
Get over yourself. If you were the best she wouldn't be looking at other guys in a club at all. If you're the best then you don't need help and shouldn't be posting here, which is exactly what you have done.
But I digress.

 

[C-Mack]

Heres some tissues for your issues.

 

[MetalFortress]

Not now... you blew it by not dealin with it right then.

When it happens, "hey, you wanna flirt with a cute guy, I'm right here." in a firm but not out of control tone of voice.

 

[Austin Allegro]

I think you're making way too much over this. I'd call her on it but in a c&f way, something like 'if you find him so cute why not ask if they do spitroasts in this restaurant'.

I think if you get all jealous it turns women off - after all you need to demonstrate you can walk at ANY time and that it's no big deal for you.

 

[Tails]

sounds like a b|tch to me. NEXT! lol.

nah. i think next time you should just play it cool and say:

"you fancy that guy eh?"

don't pretend you can't see her doing it! don't let her think it's okay. maybe she wants you to stand up for your right. but you're not.

continued with:

"so if i start checking out a girl and smile at her, it's okay?"

if she says no, then say:

"cool. then how about you start paying attention to me. if you don't want to, then don't let me stop you from going to that guy you're checking out."

if she does, then obviously she's not a real GF is she?

if she admits to it and makes some crap up like: "yeah, he's good looking, but i don't like him."

just tell her straight off.

"look, i'm not down with this sort of relationship. i only have eyes for you, but if you only have eyes for other guys. then i'm afraid i'll have to leave you."

that's how i'd go at it. i wouldn't tolerate that sh|t. it's never happened to me yet. i mean, my gf would mess around with my friends and slap each other and stuff, but they were friends. that guy your GF was checking out was a random! every girl i've been with, i have respected. sure, there's plenty hot girls out there that walk past, but for our sake. i would just glance but never look twice. just like looking at a guy walking past you. you just look and that's it. but staring and smiling, no no, that's just wrong.

don't take that sh|t yo! there are girls out there that don't do this! if she is checking out other guys infront of you, she must be a damn wh0re with no respect.

 

[CLOONEY]

WOW, brain. Man, your loosing it. Dont kid yourself.

YOU REALLY CARE FOR THIS GIRL!!

This is the same girl who you were posting about before, no? The one who you broke up with and wanted her back..........? I hope Ive got the right story here...............??

She has the power in this relationship, she even disrespects you right infront of you. She is an ATTNTION WH*RE!!!

I know EXACTLY what your going through. I had a girl like this, she would get guys bowing infront of her in clubs telling her she is a goddess and should be on a poster. WTF, all kinds of crazy stuff. What happened.................head swell, the more attention she got, the more she craved. Although she did still really love me, or so she thought. In the end, I went fukcing crazy from this stupid azz sh*t!

I couldnt work it out..........was it just me being jealous and insecure, or was it her making me feel insecure..............? But ultimately it was obvious, as much as I tried to blind myself from the fact, she was NOT the girl I could be with in the long term. She was also young 20, and had a LOT of growing up to do. Her innocence was still there to some extent, but that just made it even worse.

Man, u really gotta get rid of this chick. She is making you insecure and loosing your confidence and u know it.

U know the theory and know the game, so now its time to apply it. PLENTY more worthwhile girls out there who will show you the respect you deserve.

 

[Tails]

right on! dump her ass brotha! you don't need it. if your attention is not enough for her, then she isn't the right gal for you.

 

[darkofthematinee]

has anybody EVER dated a hot young chick (under 22) - I mean the absolutely gorgeous kind, that everyone seems to want, who could easily be models, but didn't have a crummy attitude?

My experience has been that they get so much attention that they treat everyone like ****. It takes a while to train them out of it, and to get them to show you respect, even if they really do care about you.

Jbbrain, its up to you, but I wouldn't neccessarily quit on this girl yet - you've made an investment in her. If you're sure she cares about you, and you're in a real LTR, I would suggest you take her to one side for a minute, and just tell her how her checking out and flirting with other guys makes you feel. Girls don't seem to care about disrespecting you as much as they do about "hurting your feelings".

If she's into you, she'll hear you out. You have the right to expect her to change. If she believes in give and take, she will...

The thing everyone's hit the nail on the head with is the fact that this girl is immature. The question is, do you wanna leave her and find someone else who's more mature - or get her to become more mature?

 

[backbreaker]

I have, and she had a pretty good attitude. In fact she WAS a model ,and even was a TV host for a regional TV show that came on 2 times a month.

She had her baggage, everyone does, but her attitude was not one of them. Actually was one of the most caring woman I have ever met, at least when she wanted to be.

However she was used to people pampering to her and always getting what she wanted.

she was immature and it ended, but we were young and it's no hard feelings.

 

[alboh]

This happened with that girl (19 yrs old) I dated in Montreal. She got photographers stopping her asking her to model on at least one of our dates...on our second-last date she says: "I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I just know I'm better looking and smarter than most people".

Holy sh1t -- I should've ran out of there right then screaming and waving my arms . Talk about a red flag. So yeah it seems like we've found a pattern here amongst model-hot young women.

By the way JB, I'm probably coming to back Mtl for the jazz festival. If you're up for it we should grab some beer and swap dating horror stories

 

[jbbrain]

albs-

let me know when youre up..do/did u go to mcgill?

strange shiite if i knew u

 

[DJ_Dork]

Some girls are like this. Even though they like you the best and have other boys to fancy her with looks or whatever - this is making you feel insecure. And guess what if she really respected you she wouldn't do it.. she may not respect you and like you at the same time. So basically she has you on the strings - she won't leave you but she finds this entertaining. And guess what, NEXT is the best word.

You also seem really tied up around this girl.. this is not healthy, find a girl that will truly make you feel secure.

 

[CLOONEY]

I have dated a couple of girls in their early 20's who were terriffic. Werent up themselves one bit. Were smart, sweet, funny and one was one of the top models in Australia (not the catwalk models, but a photogenic model). She was not 6'0 luckily!!!

However, I wasnt feeling it for her, so it ended. But they DO exist. Although its rare, especially for young chicks.

 

[jbbrain]

fellers-

Its a funny thing, because this girl is really a sweet girl..without a doubt, shes a good girl. So, not only is she hot, but shes "usually" lacking that insensitivity that so many young bombshells have.

I know this doesnt have much, or anything (for that amtter) with her interest level. I know its high in me because she shows it everyday..

That being said, she somehow, for some strange reason, thinks she can get away with this type of behaviour. I didnt mention anything at that exact moment (although its so me to so) because I was pretty drunk. I probbaly would have a fool out of myself (bytching her out etc), so I kept my mouth shut.

In any case, some friends have suggested that I misread her ey contact...could it have been simply "friendly"? Was my judgement clouded by jealousy? I honestly dont think so.

 

[CLOONEY]

Originally posted by jbbrain

In any case, some friends have suggested that I misread her ey contact...could it have been simply "friendly"? Was my judgement clouded by jealousy? I honestly dont think so.

hmmmmmmmmm, just what I said.

She is making u doubt yourself, making you think it could just be you being insecure and jealous. FUKCCCC, man I have been there. It aint good and it aint gonna stop. She is not intentionally disrespecting you, she is just young and immature. She cares more about herself than any feelings you might have.

U are gonna get cained by this girl, slowly but surely she will make you doubt yourself (it is already begining), your confidence will fall and u will finally realise u need to dump her to get your head together again.

 

[jbbrain]

cloons, excellent reply.


This scenario has already been festering itself in my mind, which i know is just not healthy. But the more I think about it, the more I feel compelled to just dump her to ease the...for lack of a better word..pain.

Secondly, the only reason why I think I havent yet is because everyhting I know who knows her thinks I would be crazxy to dump her. Everybody likes her THAT much. At the end of the day, however, its me that is living "with" her, so its me whos going to have to make that last decision.

Also, one oother point to note. As much as I know this issue isnt so much about jealousy, but about respect, I cant help but feel that it is my EGO that is the source of my discomfort. Like we all mentioned, this episode got me insecure. If she wasnt so flirty with her eyes, Everyhting would be cool. Regardless, I cant decide whether I wish I could be one of those dudes who are basically impervious to their gf's actions (flirting with other men etc) because well...they just dont care. The fact taht I care enough to consider dumping her (for this reason) will definitely help me weed out the ones who arent worth it later on down the road. In the same token, it also craetes unneeded ponder and thinking time that just makes me more frustrated and confused.

Ahhh, joie de vive! Thanks for posting.

 

[-k2]

ignore it this time, dont bother getting all worked up, and just see if it happens again.

If not, your good

If yes, call her on it,

 

[C-Mack]

my EGO that is the source of my discomfort.

It's good that you recognize what supreme told you long ago. There might be hope for you yet. Your ego is what is causing all of your problems.

You would dump your girlfriend just cause she was flirting with one of your co-workers? Now I wonder how bad it actually was since your ego was involved in the seeing process.

Your girlfriend obviously doesn't share your own views of your self-important delusions if she is giving the eyeball to a co-worker.

Your getting drunk because of it is also a sign of weakness to me. You should of handled that situation before you got bent all out of shape. A simple few words reminding her who she belonged to would of been enough.

Your post makes you sound like a controlling kind of person. With your girlfriend having that new job, I can only see disaster in your future. She will be exposed to other men and their attentions. She will soon if not already be able to see through you. So now you really will need to step up your game to keep her on your side.

I would give you some good ideas on how to salvage the situation but my friend has advised me not to, but I see the other posters have some good ideas.