Dealing with a past female player..

[Purple-Haze]

There is a difference between "liking sex" (while having sex in a SELF RESPECTFUL way)...and giving a BJ to a random guy in his vehicle.

It is not about liking sex. It is not about having LOT of sex with her partner.

It is about having sex with ANY random man. As it is lack of self respect.

Exactly.

Same goes for a man who would do that. He too is a slut by definition.

 

[Latinoman]

Exactly.

Same goes for a man who would do that. He too is a slut by definition.

I would not call him a slut. I would simply say he also lacks self respect as he would have VERY low standards.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I would not call him a slut. I would simply say he also lacks self respect as he would have VERY low standards.

By definition, a man who gets random blow jobs from random girls IS a slut because he is indiscriminate in his choice of partners. Anyone who engages in casual sexual encounters with multiple partners over a period of time IS a slut. Now we can debate which is worse, a female or a male slut, but the fact remains, both ARE sluts.

 

[Latinoman]

By definition, a man who gets random blow jobs from random girls IS a slut because he is indiscriminate in his choice of partners. Anyone who engages in casual sexual encounters with multiple partners over a period of time IS a slut. Now we can debate which is worse, a female or a male slut, but the fact remains, both ARE sluts.

I agree. But here is the difference...

A man that was a "slut" can change as society (hundreds of years) has found it acceptable for men to have multiple women. Therefore, he acting like a slut when he was single is kind of a "natural" thing. In fact, not until recently (50-100 years ago), part of being a MAN was the fact that a MAN could have several partners. But most men...once married...they change and sacrifice in order to make the marriage work.

Women are different. Once a woman break that mold of self respect with a sexual behavior that is frown in society...to the point that she acts what is defined as a slut...you can rest assure that when things don't go her way...she might revert back to that behavior. Perhaps...not as bad as giving a man a blow job in a his car...but maybe a notch below (sex with condom?).

 

[Purple-Haze]

If she behaved in such a fashion...let's say...15 years ago...then I would say "MAYBE she changed". Or if she did that when she was a young teenager...and now she is 26...I can say "MAYBE she changed".

But otherwise, I doubt it. Once a woman breaks the elasticity given by social standards of morality...you can rest assure that the likelihood of taking things a notch below are very likely. Especially when things don't go her way or she is emotionally tested.

What do I mean with this? IF a woman 5 years ago, was cheating and getting phucked by three men at the same time...she might NOT go back to phucking 3 men at the same time...but she could go a notch below and instead engaged in a one-night-stand with a complete stranger and cheat on her man after a disagreement. It is not as "bad" as having three cucks at the same time...but still BAD.

With all due respect Latinoman, who are you to say when and how she'll change? People do have moments of sudden realization - a point at which they DECIDE consciously to make certain changes in their life. Now I am not suggesting that the OP proceed naively and "hope for the best." He has to look at the evidence before him (that is, her actions) and make a judgement call based on that.

What's not to say that the OP is an impetus for change? She may have found all of her previous sexual encounters to be wholly unsatisfying and continued behaving in that fashion because she didn't know any better, because she had become accustomed to being used and treated like an object? She may've lived a live of brief encounters because this was how she found acceptance and validation?

But now, she has the OP in her life. She may see in him genuine love and care, and that might just be the thing she needed to leave her old ways behind (similar to an AFC suddenly realizing that he has been the eternal ***** bag to countless women).

This may just be her turning point.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I agree. But here is the difference...

A man that was a "slut" can change as society (hundreds of years) has found it acceptable for men to have multiple women. Therefore, he acting like a slut when he was single is kind of a "natural" thing. In fact, not until recently (50-100 years ago), part of being a MAN was the fact that a MAN could have several partners. But most men...once married...they change and sacrifice in order to make the marriage work.

Women are different. Once a woman break that mold of self respect with a sexual behavior that is frown in society...to the point that she acts what is defined as a slut...you can rest assure that when things don't go her way...she might revert back to that behavior. Perhaps...not as bad as giving a man a blow job in a his car...but maybe a notch below (sex with condom?).

OK, but here you are qualfying the judgement (based on your own frame of personal values).

I was not making any assertions about the social ramifciations of being a slut (of either sex).

 

[Latinoman]

With all due respect Latinoman, who are you to say when and how she'll change? People do have moments of sudden realization - a point at which they DECIDE consciously to make certain changes in their life. Now I am not suggesting that the OP proceed naively and "hope for the best." He has to look at the evidence before him (that is, her actions) and make a judgement call based on that.

What's not to say that the OP is an impetus for change? She may have found all of her previous sexual encounters to be wholly unsatisfying and continued behaving in that fashion because she didn't know any better, because she had become accustomed to being used and treated like an object? She may've life a live of brief encounters because this was how she found acceptance and validation?

But now, she has the OP in her life. She may see in him genuine love and care, and that might just be the thing she needed to leave her old ways behind (similar to an AFC suddenly realizing that he has been the eternal ***** bag to countless women).

This may just be her turning point.

I have slept with a LOT of married women and women in committed relationships too. Most appeared (in public at least) to be in very good marriages. And do you know what most of them had in common?

Most of them had a shady past.


Women will go in hibernation stage (will go from a complete slut into a "housewife" material) in order to lure a good man into married them. But once things don't go well (or as soon as the man stops dedicating ALL his time on her)...that woman can potentially come out that hibernation stage.

I don't write for writing. I write based on experience.

Having said that...I agree 100% that some women do indeed change. But that change is not overnight and many times comes with maturity. And still...the change takes place on VERY FEW women. If she is 40 today...and did some stupid things when she was 22 or 23...I might over look that (to a degree) and that is depending what she did. If she did something stupid when she was 16 and she is now 35...I would probably overlook that (and that is depending of what she did).

The same way I do NOT blame a "quality woman" for not accepting me for sleeping with married women in my past or cheating (thankfully...I have my life together and women overlook my past - wink)...

 

[Latinoman]

OK, but here you are qualfying the judgement (based on your own frame of personal values).

I was not making any assertions about the social ramifciations of being a slut (of either sex).

I will tell you one thing...a woman that engage in sexual degrading behavior is a woman that has a bigger chance to CHEAT on her partner (although, ANY woman is capable of cheating).

And when it comes to cheating...I can assure you that NO MAN likes to be cheated by his woman.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I have slept with a LOT of married women and women in committed relationships too. Most appeared (in public at least) to be in very good marriages. And do you know what most of them had in common?

Most of them had a shady past.


Women will go in hibernation stage (will go from a complete slut into a "housewife" material) in order to lure a good man into married them. But once things don't go well (or as soon as the man stops dedicating ALL his time on her)...that woman can potentially come out that hibernation stage.

I don't write for writing. I write based on experience.

Having said that...I agree 100% that some women do indeed change. But that change is not overnight and many times comes with maturity. And still...the change takes place on VERY FEW women. If she is 40 today...and did some stupid things when she was 22 or 23...I might over look that (to a degree) and that is depending what she did. If she did something stupid when she was 16 and she is now 35...I would probably overlook that (and that is depending of what she did).

The same way I do NOT blame a "quality woman" for not accepting me for sleeping with married women in my past or cheating (thankfully...I have my life together and women overlook my past - wink)...

Well everything you say is perfectly acceptable and true even (for you), HOWEVER, we cannot make any conclusive judgments of the OP's gf and her aims and objectives in the R because we do not have enough information.

An important question to ask is WHY she behaved the way she did. What was the motivation behind it? What is the motivation for her apparent 180 now? What does she do differently now that she didn't before? What did she get from those encounters? Does she regret it? Does she miss that lifestyle? Does the OP SATISFY her?

That is really at the heart of it, isn't it? Does he keep her satisfied? Because a satisfied woman WILL NOT stray, no matter how shady her past.

You have to keep in mind that women (as a collective, and yes, I am generalizing) operate differently in their approach to sex. It is not a primal urge as it is for men. Different emotions and motivations are at play. For her, a mere fu@k may not mean the same as a guy who just wants to bust a nut. For her, the sexual encounter could be more about some kind of validation than the sex itself. Now I'm not saying ALL sexually promiscuous women operate like this, but I would hazard a guess and say a sizable portion do.

Both sexes have been socialized differently; our ideas and need for sex operate on different levels and come from different places.

I just think the OP should ask himself some of the above questions to figure out her past state and mentality so he can discern the likelihood of her slipping.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I will tell you one thing...a woman that engage in sexual degrading behavior is a woman that has a bigger chance to CHEAT on her partner (although, ANY woman is capable of cheating).

And when it comes to cheating...I can assure you that NO MAN likes to be cheated by his woman.

Well yes, your past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour. But you have to allow for self reflection and true change somewhere in there, right?

And of course no one likes being cheated on (man or woman)! If you are in a monogamous R and TRUST your partner, it rocks your world to the core to discover that you've been sharing them with someone else.

 

[Latinoman]

Well everything you say is perfectly acceptable and true even (for you), HOWEVER, we cannot make any conclusive judgments of the OP's gf and her aims and objectives in the R because we do not have enough information.

I agree with you. But I can tell you one thing...the odds are stacked against him.

An important question to ask is WHY she behaved the way she did. What was the motivation behind it? What is the motivation for her apparent 180 now? What does she do differently now that she didn't before? What did she get from those encounters? Does she regret it? Does she miss that lifestyle? Does the OP SATISFY her?

Who cares of why she did those things? The fact is...she did them.

That is really at the heart of it, isn't it? Does he keep her satisfied? Because a satisfied woman WILL NOT stray, no matter how shady her past.

Exactly. The problem here is that with this kind of women...it takes a LOT more attention from her man. To the point that he has to sacrifice other areas of his life (including career). It is NOT worthy.

You have to keep in mind that women (as a collective, and yes, I am generalizing) operate differently in their approach to sex. It is not a primal urge as it is for men. Different emotions and motivations are at play. For her, a mere fu@k may not mean the same as a guy who just wants to bust a nut. For her, the sexual encounter could be more about some kind of validation than the sex itself. Now I'm not saying ALL sexually promiscuous operate like this, but I would hazard a guess and say a sizable portion do.

Which is the point I am trying to make. A woman that had a slutty past...can revert to cheating (not necessary at the level of her slutty past...but bad enough) when things don't go her way or when she feels a need to validate herself. Once again...not worthy.

And yes, I am generalizing.

I just think the OP should ask himself some of the above questions to figure out her past state and mentality so he can discern the likelihood of her slipping.

If he is younger than mid 30s...I would say that it is not worth the effort. Too young to be concerned about this.

 

[Latinoman]

Well yes, your past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour. But you have to allow for self reflection and true change somewhere in there, right?

I cannot advice any man in this place to allow for that. I understand a TRUE DJ taking a chance as he will know what he will have to sacrifice and the risks he is taking. Sadly...in the year I have been in this place, I have counted about 8-12 TRUE DJs in this Forum. Lot of DJs in the making...but very few TRUE DJs.


The point I am trying to make is that I am not totally disagreeing with you. But I have a responsibility to give the advice that is SAFE. If the poster was Guru or Rollo or #17 or Francisco sharing the situation, my advice would have been different and probably in private as to no confuse others.

 

[Purple-Haze]

OK, so you agree that there is a POSSIBILITY that she may change. You and I can debate how probable this change will be, but the fact remains, there is a chance.

Now, I believe IT IS important for him to understand her motivations for engaging in such behaviour. However, you are right, it may not be "worth" his time if he is not serious about her. She may be "too much trouble" for him to "bother" with such a woman.

However, he may not even need to figure her out. It could very well be that she has changed and that's that. The only reason he needs to engage in this sort of reflection and Q and A is FOR HIMSELF - to satisfy that gnawing feeling and discomfort that sits at the bottom of his stomach. He may wonder from time to time if she is faithful, so really, it is for himself that he must do this.

The bottom line is, if he is really into her and wants her, he'll go through this mentally exhausting process for his own peace of mind. However, if she nothing but a mere piece of tail, he'll do her and leave. Simple as that.

 

[Purple-Haze]

I cannot advice any man in this place to allow for that. I understand a TRUE DJ taking a chance as he will know what he will have to sacrifice and the risks he is taking. Sadly...in the year I have been in this place, I have counted about 8-12 TRUE DJs in this Forum. Lot of DJs in the making...but very few TRUE DJs.


The point I am trying to make is that I am not totally disagreeing with you. But I have a responsibility to give the advice that is SAFE. If the poster was Guru or Rollo or #17 or Francisco sharing the situation, my advice would have been different and probably in private as to no confuse others.

That is perfectly fine. You err on the side of caution, you do not wish to lead the OP astray by doling out saccharine advice about "change" and "trust" and the rest of that. Truth be told, if he were my brother, I'd tell him to stay far away from her. Why? Because I love my brother and would rather that he not take a chance like that (regardless of the woman).

However, i think it's important to debate this notion of sexual promiscuity and sudden (or eventual) reform. It is an important one because this is a PERSON we are talking about after all - she is a human being with a past and one who (hopefully) strives to be better. She too deserves a chance and if the OP is willing to give her that (our of true love, value and appreciation), then he should listen to varying perspectives so that he can make the best decision for HIMSELF.

 

[Latinoman]

Purple-Haze...here is the danger...if he reflects too much on her...he might end up either marrying her or getting her pregnant.

Here is the problem...who loses more in a divorce?

I disagree strongly with the person that stated that he should use her for sex. I am TOTALLY against using women. In fact, the women I have only be involved for sex (and not a relationship) are women that know where I stand when it comes them. In another words, they know that all I want is a sexual relationship and NOT an emotional one. You will be surprised how many accepted that role because they thought they could change my mind.

Once a man engage in a behavior of lies or deception in order to get laid...I would say that man is lying to HIMSELF. And eventually...especially as he ages...he will need a LOT more substance than just b.s. words.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Purple-Haze...here is the danger...if he reflects too much on her...he might end up either marrying her or getting her pregnant.

Here is the problem...who loses more in a divorce?

I disagree strongly with the person that stated that he should use her for sex. I am TOTALLY against using women. In fact, the women I have only be involved for sex (and not a relationship) are women that know where I stand when it comes them. In another words, they know that all I want is a sexual relationship and NOT an emotional one. You will be surprised how many accepted that role because they thought they could change my mind.

Once a man engage in a behavior of lies or deception in order to get laid...I would say that man is lying to HIMSELF. And eventually...especially as he ages...he will need a LOT more substance than just b.s. words.

Latinoman, I agree with you. He IS taking a risk by continuing to see her. As I've said, he has to decide if she is "worth" his time. So he has to take HIS interest and balance that against her actions - is it worth it for him?

As I said, there is no way in hee haw that I would be cool with my brother dating a woman like this. I wouldn't want him to gamble with his life like that.

 

[schttrj]

watever, if u r bound by the social matrix, u r not a slut and if u r not, u r! is that what u guys are saying?

 

[DonGorgon]

Stop calling women that like sex "sluts".

We are calling women that like sex with many many many different men sluts... but slut is not a bad word at all... guilty women try to convince us that it is a bad word....LOL