Dating the Ex- Advice Needed

[Lozboss]

Hi Djs,

So I thought I'd ask for some advice.

My ex and I have just agreed to start dating again, exclusively, with our first date sometime this week after about 3 1/2 months NC. I've made my intentions clear that I won't be 'just a friend' and this is a 'date'.

She says she wants to take it slow, keep it private and that due to alot of things going on in her life (confirmed-not an excuse) she isn't ready to jump in. She's enjoying the fact that we are chatting every day and that I'm not pressuring her.

I want some advice please:

How do I act here? Do I play play it cool and let her warm up at her own pace? Let her come to me etc?

Part of me worries that she's not invested but I figure she wouldn't come on a date if she wasn't interested?

Any advice much appreciate- this is new territory here for me.:nervous:

 

[Cremasta]

Ok Lozboss, dating an ex is almost taboo round here, but anyway...

Why was she an ex? What caused you to break up? Has that been fixed, what has changed?
I hope you sorted that out before you decided to get back with her.

The exclusivity thing was a mistake. If she's "not ready to jump in" then you shouldn't be making her your only option.

But if you're going to push ahead and try to date your ex, then the only real bit of advice I have for you is this:

Do not be the same person that you were before. Do not pander to her needs or whatever timetable she wants to run. YOU lead the dance from now on, and if she doesn't like it, then be prepared to walk at any time.
If she says she wants to take it slow and you want to get laid by the 2nd date, if she doesn't come to the party, then leave. Otherwise you're at risk of always letting her run things.

Good luck

 

[Lozboss]

Ok Lozboss, dating an ex is almost taboo round here, but anyway...

Why was she an ex? What caused you to break up? Has that been fixed, what has changed?
I hope you sorted that out before you decided to get back with her.

The exclusivity thing was a mistake. If she's "not ready to jump in" then you shouldn't be making her your only option.

But if you're going to push ahead and try to date your ex, then the only real bit of advice I have for you is this:

Do not be the same person that you were before. Do not pander to her needs or whatever timetable she wants to run. YOU lead the dance from now on, and if she doesn't like it, then be prepared to walk at any time.
If she says she wants to take it slow and you want to get laid by the 2nd date, if she doesn't come to the party, then leave. Otherwise you're at risk of always letting her run things.

Good luck

Hi Cremasta,

Thanks for your advice. I ask for advice because despite being taboo the majority of the DJs have tried the ex dating at least once.

I've sorted the stuff before we decided to get back together.

Understand on exclusivity bit.

I agree- I won't let her run things. The reason i'm thinking of giving her some rope is that I've tried to push before and it's pushed her away.

This time she's got a lot of personal family stuff on her plate so for me the thought is: it's less of letting her dictate timetable and being more understanding that we won't go from 1-100 in a flash. I guess I'm just worried about being too much of a pressurizing **** and not being patient.

I guess I'll find out when we meet by how it goes? I have an idea of the commitment I'd like and if she's not willing to give that I'll walk- as hard as that might be.

 

[RangerMIke]

Hi Djs,

She's enjoying the fact that we are chatting every day and that I'm not pressuring her.

Don't 'chat' with her every day. Get on the phone, make a date then do all your talking in person. TRUST ME, you keep up this daily 'chat' stuff and she will lose interest.

I want some advice please:

How do I act here? Do I play play it cool and let her warm up at her own pace? Let her come to me etc?

Treat her just like you just met. Call her once a week, and make a date, then take it from there. DO NOT see her more than once a week until she starts saying she wants to see you more.


Part of me worries that she's not invested but I figure she wouldn't come on a date if she wasn't interested?

She will not be invested until she has to work for you attention. ONCE A WEEK, she has to chase you.

Any advice much appreciate- this is new territory here for me.:nervous:

You should not have agreed to exclusivity... But hey, it's done. But you have to get her to the point where she is chasing you and investing in the relationship. If you are doing all the work, then this experiment is doomed to fail. Do not worry about losing her, if she is a normal woman and still likes/loves you, then being a little distance will only increase her attraction in you.

 

[Lozboss]

Thanks Mike- wise words.

I've said for her to check her work diary(Doctor) and let me know when she's free- then, if I am free we will do drinks.

So do I follow similar rules to the NC rules? Be distant and let her chase me?

Ignore the odd text etc?

I'm not going to chase her for date confirmation. Ball in her court now.

 

[El Payaso]

Probably not a very wise move.

First of all, you never eat out your garbage can. The same thing applies to exes.

Second of all, you agreed to date her exclusively but SHE said later on that she doesn't want to "jump all in" yet and wants to keep it private.

You later state that "Part of me worries that she's not invested".

Well, of course she's not. A woman that is highly attracted to a man doesn't tell him that she wants to put one foot in and one foot out in a relationship.

She's telling you " Lozboss, you're going to be a placeholder until I find a man that I'm much more attracted to. However, I don't want you looking for or dating other women so you must agree to be exclusive even though it's just a 'date'".

Options must be really tough for you if you have to go back to an ex.

 

[Lozboss]

Probably not a very wise move.

First of all, you never eat out your garbage can. The same thing applies to exes.

Second of all, you agreed to date her exclusively but SHE said later on that she doesn't want to "jump all in" yet and wants to keep it private.

You later state that "Part of me worries that she's not invested".

Well, of course she's not. A woman that is highly attracted to a man doesn't tell him that she wants to put one foot in and one foot out in a relationship.

She's telling you " Lozboss, you're going to be a placeholder until I find a man that I'm much more attracted to. However, I don't want you looking for or dating other women so you must agree to be exclusive even though it's just a 'date'".

Options must be really tough for you if you have to go back to an ex.

Thanks for your comment.

You are right, she either commits to me or doesn't.

No need to be nasty- I have options but I've decided to give it another go. If it doesn't work out- it doesn't work out.

Does you guys think I should start dating others again?

 

[RangerMIke]

So do I follow similar rules to the NC rules? Be distant and let her chase me?

Ignore the odd text etc?

I'm not going to chase her for date confirmation. Ball in her court now.

No this is what you want her to do, if you sends you a text then by all means respond. If you ignore her she will get ticked and will lose interest.

This isn't 'no contact', this is letting her set the pace of how this is going to work. If she wants to see you more than once a week then by all means, if you are available, see her. But SHE has to ask for this... let her drive the relationship, women are a lot more comfortable when they are reaching out to you and you are favorably responding.

 

[El Payaso]

Thanks for your comment.

You are right, she either commits to me or doesn't.

No need to be nasty- I have options but I've decided to give it another go. If it doesn't work out- it doesn't work out.

Does you guys think I should start dating others again?

Yes, you should. Consider yourself a free man. You don't owe her anything.

 

[Lozboss]

Thanks El Payaso and Mike.

One question: If she asks why I'm being colder/ more distant do I confront her with something polite but firm like:

"X You are either committed to this or you aren't. I'm not accepting you sitting on the fence"

 

[RangerMIke]

Thanks El Payaso and Mike.

One question: If she asks why I'm being colder/ more distant do I confront her with something polite but firm like:

"X You are either committed to this or you aren't. I'm not accepting you sitting on the fence"

No don't confront her. Just be honest, tell her that you are in no hurry and want things to go at her pace because of her issues. You have to put out the vibe that you are happy to have her, but just as happy if you don't. You have your life and if she wants to get on the "Lozbozz Train", great... but the train runs with our without her.

 

[Lozboss]

No don't confront her. Just be honest, tell her that you are in no hurry and want things to go at her pace because of her issues. You have to put out the vibe that you are happy to have her, but just as happy if you don't. You have your life and if she wants to get on the "Lozbozz Train", great... but the train runs with our without her.

Thanks Mike- sounds like a good approach.

I'll let her initiate and work for attention.

 

[El Payaso]

I wouldn't tell her that you want things to go at her own pace. You will basically be communicating that you don't know what you want, she's in charge and you can be stepped all over.

Simply tell her that you don't commit to girls who are not committed. Point blank. Be nonchalant and firm about it.

If she keeps pushing, tell her you've said all that needs to be said on the matter and don't discuss further.

If she is interested, she will likely start squirming towards you trying to get in your good graces.

Once she proposes exclusivity from both of you, do not hand it to her on a silver platter. You have to make her really work for it by holding out even longer.

If you give something easily to a woman or anybody for that matter, they won't cherish it.

 

[Obsidian]

What exactly is it that she is wanting to "go slow" on? Just hanging out? Physical interaction in general? Sexual intercourse?

 

[Lozboss]

What exactly is it that she is wanting to "go slow" on? Just hanging out? Physical interaction in general? Sexual intercourse?

The whole process- jumping right back into 'boyfriend and girlfriend'

She wants it to be a clean slate/new start and we start by dating each other again and not looking at the past.

 

[Desdinova]

She says she wants to take it slow, keep it private and that due to alot of things going on in her life (confirmed-not an excuse) she isn't ready to jump in. She's enjoying the fact that we are chatting every day and that I'm not pressuring her.

In other words, she's quite content with the ba11s you handed her. She's promising to stroke them and lick them once in a while as long as you're a good obedient boy.

She's basically told you that she's in control of the relationship. Do you know what happens when you put a woman in control of anything? It goes absolutely nowhere. Hope you're wanting to get strung along, because that's where this is headed.

I want some advice please:

How do I act here? Do I play play it cool and let her warm up at her own pace? Let her come to me etc?

Dump her and find a new woman who has no desire to "take things slow". Find one who's excited to meet a man who possesses ba11s, and you'll be laid by the 3rd date.

 

[Lozboss]

In other words, she's quite content with the ba11s you handed her. She's promising to stroke them and lick them once in a while as long as you're a good obedient boy.

She's basically told you that she's in control of the relationship. Do you know what happens when you put a woman in control of anything? It goes absolutely nowhere. Hope you're wanting to get strung along, because that's where this is headed.



Dump her and find a new woman who has no desire to "take things slow". Find one who's excited to meet a man who possesses ba11s, and you'll be laid by the 3rd date.

Guys I want to thank you all for the advice.

I'm done being strung along, being hurt and I'm not chasing her anymore.

The realisation has hit like a truck and hurts like hell- not too proud to say that. I guess after turning the corner and her agreeing to come on a first date again I thought we were past this bulLsh*t.

I'm starting tomorrow on the dating game. Her Loss.

I guess tomorrow will be day 1 of NC.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Guys I want to thank you all for the advice.

I'm done being strung along, being hurt and I'm not chasing her anymore.

The realisation has hit like a truck and hurts like hell- not too proud to say that. I guess after turning the corner and her agreeing to come on a first date again I thought we were past this bulLsh*t.

I'm starting tomorrow on the dating game. Her Loss.

I guess tomorrow will be day 1 of NC.

Yes, smart move man! Now you are seeing the light, time to move on to greener pastures!

If she really wanted you she'd be at your house immediatley on her knees.....yeah you get the picture.

 

[VladPatton]

Bro, you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Whoever came up with idea will be in pain. Punch out now while you're ahead.

 

[Lozboss]

So chaps an update.

Met the Ex for Lunch today (she asked).

Summary:

She says she still 'cares about me' and that I shouldn't be insecure about that.

That she wants to take things slowly- see each other once a week and see what happens. She is apparently 'getting to know me again'.

That I need to be more laid back and not be bothered if I don't hear from her for a few days.

Now I know I dumped her and she is cautious of being hurt again and has a lot of personal sh*t on but my thoughts are following this:

Walk into the sunset and don't look back. ie. walk away

I think she is stringing me along and using me. I deserve more than that- far more. I firmly believe you don't just 'fall out of love with someone' and that if she truly still loved me there wouldn't be this hesitation.

thoughts?