Damage Control: Ultimatum Mistake

[Charmaine]

Women tend to self-sabotage relationships they aren't happy with to get the guy to break up with her or give her an excuse to breakup with him.

Spot on!

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Spot on!

From your conscious perspective, why do women do that?

 

[Ivar]

From your conscious perspective, why do women do that?

And on that topic.... is there a distinction to be made between women doing it out of self-sabotaging / self-destructive behavior, and women who simply lost interest and want to manufacture an 'easy way out'. My thinking is that the former is more subconscious behavior, whereas the latter is conscious / premeditated.

 

[Charmaine]

From your conscious perspective, why do women do that?

This usually happens in relationships when the man thinks it is going well while the woman doesn't think so. Simply put, the man is getting what he wants from the relationship but the woman is not getting what she wants. i.e. the man is happy while the woman is unhappy.

Under those circumstances, the man would not usually let the woman go easily unless the woman makes him hate her, so the woman has to behave as nasty as she can to make the man give up the relationship. That is the only way for a clean breakup. But that is mostly unconscious on the woman's part.

 

[Charmaine]

And on that topic.... is there a distinction to be made between women doing it out of self-sabotaging / self-destructive behavior, and women who simply lost interest and want to manufacture an 'easy way out'. My thinking is that the former is more subconscious behavior, whereas the latter is conscious / premeditated.

If a woman has a self-sabotaging / self-destructive tendency, you can see it in other areas, not just relationships.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Ivar,

Read everything at therationalmale.com

-Augustus-

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

This usually happens in relationships when the man thinks it is going well while the woman doesn't think so. Simply put, the man is getting what he wants from the relationship but the woman is not getting what she wants. i.e. the man is happy while the woman is unhappy.

Under those circumstances, the man would not usually let the woman go easily unless the woman makes him hate her, so the woman has to behave as nasty as she can to make the man give up the relationship. That is the only way for a clean breakup. But that is mostly unconscious on the woman's part.

Thanks.

 

[Bingo-Player]

Ok before you go looking to pull any type of “hail mary” off first I would look deeper into why all this has come about in the first place , you say shes depressed because of a career change / long hours / working weekends


1) why change career in the first place if it was going to cause all this ?

2) if its this much stress can she find a new job ?


Not that either of these should really be effecting her relationship with you people work to live not live to work ,


I would be asking myself if I wanted to be with a woman who’s allowed work to take control of her life to a point where its destroying not only her life but yours too


I also suspect theres more going on here that meets the eye ……over the years I’ve learnt women enjoy being “victims” and all the emotion that comes with it


You could have the best girl in the world ( and trust me I thought I did too ) and she will still try to manipulate a situation so that she can come out as a victim


You haven’t given her enough attention, your neglecting her needs, you don’t tell her you love her enough, you look at other women , you don’t understand how hard work is for her , you aren’t sympathetic enough etc etc etc


Ive watched countless women do this …..colleagues , family , friends , lovers


I firmly believe they are all hardwired too look for emotion in anyway they can find it its like a drug to them


Thankfully most women are smart enough to realise that being like this constantly isn’t going to work out well for them so they suck it up and act as “normal” as possible for as long as possible


But that doesn’t stop episodes like this from creeping out every so often


Ask any man in any type of a relationship with a woman I practically guarantee he’s been through something like this at some point


I realise my answer probably isn’t the “hail Mary” you were looking for to win her back but it may give you a different idea of what’s going on here

 

[Initiatedindenial]

In hopes that this thread will someday be of help to others, I am providing a minor update...

It has now been over two weeks of radio silence (on both ends). I'll admit to being shocked by that... I've never had this happen before, not a good feeling. Obviously if someone goes silent for two weeks I consider us 'broken up', but without any sort of talk / closure.... it just seems so cowardly? Either cowardice or extreme indifference..... which are such extreme sudden changes from how she had been acting (in love, amazing gf material).

In addition to reading everyones' posts on the thread, I have been trying to educate myself more by reading stickies on the forum. I am now wondering, where is the line drawn between 'normal' fickle female behavior and conditions like BPD, Cluster B, Love Bombing, Projectors, etc? When I think about how amazingly well we had been connecting, how in sync our personalities were, how much effort she was putting in, trying so hard to impress me and ensure that this was going somewhere.... I'm still baffled by the sudden extreme change. I realize I made a few missteps of my own (trying to talk he through her stress) that likely lessened the attraction a bit, but I am struggling to see how that alone could explain such a rapid behavior change..... at the gut level I am feeling either some other event occurred that she didn't share with me, or she is emotionally broken in some way. Even with the depression tainting the last few weeks, our sexual chemistry was always ridiculous.... banged her brains out multiple times whenever we'd get together, even when she was mopey.... physically / sexually we were perfectly synchronized --- but emotionally she just seemed to suddenly withdraw / dissociate, after 2 months of being very invested. It's bizarre, she kept pushing for more emotion and then later when I finally caught up it's as if she became overwhelmed and panicked... withdrew. Either that or she felt she 'won', lost interest / attraction, and became indifferent. Just thinking aloud lads, open to hearing theories...

For those reading thinking 'who cares why, get over it and move on' ... I like to understand as best as possible to be better armed for the future. Thankfully, I have a lot of hobbies and a very active work-life, so I have been able to throw myself into those during this time. After a week I started 'spinning up some plates' (see I am learning the lingo) and went on a few dates, enjoyable as distractions but nothing I am really excited about yet. I don't get excited easily, which is why this whole thing is such a disappointment.

Hello, I understand how you feel, I had a similar situation where a gf went from "I Love you" to "I need some time" (3 weeks of radio silence leading to a break up "We are not compatible" bs) in less than 24 hrs.

Over time you will see things with more clarity and will realize that she was in reality giving you many indirect messages that decided to omit.

Next time you will be more agile reading women communicstion style. Have to read between the lines.