Current GF / Lost interest in Sex

[Gamisch]

Since this thread is discussing a "long term relationship" versus pick up, plate spinning and/or seduction, the above quoted is the best response imo.

How to interact and respond to conflict (sexual or any other type of conflict) is different in a long term relationship (where there is mutual love and trust) than a casual dating experience, which IMO explains most of the responses (other than Dw3) since this is essentially a pick up/seduction forum.

Anyway, @Learning Curve if you truly want to continue this relationship, I would suggest you take the above advice and see how it plays out.

Good luck and Merry Christmas to you and everyone!

Okay maybe I'm wrong...I'll think about it.

To me a sexless relationship =done. And that's experience speaking rather than feelings tbh.

So let me ask you this; how can he revive his sexless life now? IF there still was sex it would've been a completely different case. But if she already shut down her legs months ago while only being with her for like 2 years AND she never takes the initiative..apart from all the floaty philosophy ish, how is he gonna reignite her PRIMAL desire for HIM?

 

[Divorced w 3]

Gotta admit your way of wording it is pretty neat.

I can imagine that being in that predicament your approach sounds better than mine.

Yours- use your heart and try
Mine- be real and run

I asked him to gibe us the update. Untill we get some updates it's impossible to make any assessment. Seems to ME like a typical case where the man overstayed his welcome( even though it's his house)

I am just doing my best to paraphrase a talk by Ram Dass called ‘the yoga of relationships’. He considered relations the most challenging of all work. It’s episode 17 of the Be Here Now podcast. ‘the ego is a wonderful servant and a terrible master.’

 

[Kiranel]

It sounds like you're in a really frustrating situation. I’ve been in relationships where the spark fades and things get a bit routine, but when one person stops putting in the effort, it’s hard to keep things going. It seems like you’ve tried a lot to keep things fresh and communicate, but if she’s not showing any interest or effort to meet you halfway, that can feel really lonely. I think having an honest conversation about where you both stand might help, but if things don’t change, it could be time to reassess whether it’s worth staying in a relationship that’s not fulfilling for you. No one should have to carry the weight of everything, especially in something as important as intimacy.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Okay maybe I'm wrong...I'll think about it.

To me a sexless relationship =done. And that's experience speaking rather than feelings tbh.

So let me ask you this; how can he revive his sexless life now? IF there still was sex it would've been a completely different case. But if she already shut down her legs months ago while only being with her for like 2 years AND she never takes the initiative..apart from all the floaty philosophy ish, how is he gonna reignite her PRIMAL desire for HIM?

I think he should approach it the way @Divorced w 3 presented it in both posts, and while doing so somehow convey the message, not in a caveman-like, heavy handed way, but covertly and assertively, that if she's not willing or desirous of meeting him half way in resolving, he WILL walk away.

She may have taken for granted that @Learning Curve will stick around no matter what (kiss of death in a LTR in my experience), and often times for a woman, the fear of losing him can reignite the spark and her primal desire for him.

IMO (as a woman), she should always have a bit of fear she could lose him. Keeps things fresh and exciting in the bedroom and elsewhere... Never allow complacency to seep in, like I said kiss of death!

For a man too. Learn to embrace fear, fear can be your friend and bring you closer together if channeled properly.

I speak from experience.

 

[Learning Curve]

Appreciate all the comments.

I did plenty of mistakes in this relationship from my side of the spectrum and i take the blame, mostly it was wrong assessment on my side on expectations.

Anyway, Im returning back as im in a business trip, so once im back i will have a talk with her. But my concern is as @Gamisch pointed out that even if this is discussed, it will probably be waste of time. She will not want to break up im sure, yet she will probably keep the same uninterested sexual behaviour.

This whole situation has become psychologically draining for me and trying to discuss sex and intimacy is something that shouldn’t have to be discussed and i never had to discuss it with any of my previous relationships.

Once im back and i have something solid to update i will.

Wishing everyone Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

[Chow Mein]

Appreciate all the comments.

I did plenty of mistakes in this relationship from my side of the spectrum and i take the blame, mostly it was wrong assessment on my side on expectations.

Anyway, Im returning back as im in a business trip, so once im back i will have a talk with her. But my concern is as @Gamisch pointed out that even if this is discussed, it will probably be waste of time. She will not want to break up im sure, yet she will probably keep the same uninterested sexual behaviour.

This whole situation has become psychologically draining for me and trying to discuss sex and intimacy is something that shouldn’t have to be discussed and i never had to discuss it with any of my previous relationships.

Once im back and i have something solid to update i will.

Wishing everyone Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

How many LTR’s have you been in?
The reason I ask is because men learn and grow from every LTR.
You’re in your early 30’s, a lot of time to learn and grow. You just need to accept you may have made a mistake committing to this one. No judgement from us, as long as you keep that ego you got in check. Life is a journey of learning.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Been gone for a while from this forums.

Been building different things in my life and while all the rest is working like a clock, my love life and especially my sex life has been decreasing by a high margin.

Long story short i posted in the past about this chick im with for about 17 months now and we live together.

As with all the excitements in the beginning when i first met this chick we were having 6-7 times a day sex at-least.

Since we moved together this has gradually decreased to the point of her basically not even initiating unless i bring it up or not even discussing it if we don't have sex for 1-2 weeks for example unless i bring it up.

i want to mention here that since the beginning when we met she never initiated sex i always did, which is fine with me but when i did she was into it. Some chicks are like that from my experience all though i like a woman initiating as well.

The current situation now is that when i initiate sex im trying different things in the playbooks and she is not even getting wet. Her to get wet is like my trying to climb a mountain with a spoon.

Is like she lost interest in sex completely. At one point she even told me “sex does not interest me that much”.

Now i have yes tried to spice things up, i have tried to not bring up sex at all to see her reaction or initiate to see if she ever gets into it and nothing works.

At this point even when the sex happens its robotic and boring she is not investing time to fix this or to make it better unless i do this is what im getting.

She is not investing time in our sex to get down there to do things on her own it’s like she wants to be taken by hand on everything.

This was the case from the start and i did not mind to lead but this got to the point of either i do something or nothing happens.

Im considering exiting this relationship soon if nothing changes and she does not wake up.

Looking for your thoughts and forget about comments of “she is f3ucking somebody else” we live together and i work from home so pretty much she has no space to cheat we are together 24/7.

You both are practically a married couple and the thrill of sex evaporated, faster than Hiroshima, within seconds of that A-Bomb exploding. What your experiencing here is more or less the rule, rather than the exception

Rejoice in the fact that you haven't actually wifed her up, and there are no kids in the picture. This means that ending things will be relatively easy

 

[Gamisch]

I think he should approach it the way @Divorced w 3 presented it in both posts, and while doing so somehow convey the message, not in a caveman-like, heavy handed way, but covertly and assertively, that if she's not willing or desirous of meeting him half way in resolving, he WILL walk away.

She may have taken for granted that @Learning Curve will stick around no matter what (kiss of death in a LTR in my experience), and often times for a woman, the fear of losing him can reignite the spark and her primal desire for him.

IMO (as a woman), she should always have a bit of fear she could lose him. Keeps things fresh and exciting in the bedroom and elsewhere... Never allow complacency to seep in, like I said kiss of death!

For a man too. Learn to embrace fear, fear can be your friend and bring you closer together if channeled properly.

I speak from experience.

Let's see if it works or not..

They aren't together for that long. Why can't men accept their losses I wonder? All the work apparently needs to be done by him while she does literally NOTHING. She just using his resources.

You say you speak from experience. Can you elaborate in detail what he should do? Because to me this sounds too generic. I know she should fear losing him but it seems like she doesn't.

I judge people on based on their actions rather than their words. And that's also a major issue: she doesn’t even WORD she will try or something. So he now needs to convince her to SAY she will try better and then wait and see if she does?

That conversation will take place anyway. She is in his house so SHE will need to go. He can't just put her shyte on the street so he'll has to tell her he's done and that will ignite a conversation anyway.

All the signs show that she is like woman nr 12233455559 and NOTHING different. All those previous women either cheated, fell out of love or were too immature to be straight forward and put in some effort to show HIM some love.

 

[Gamisch]

I think he should approach it the way @Divorced w 3 presented it in both posts, and while doing so somehow convey the message, not in a caveman-like, heavy handed way, but covertly and assertively, that if she's not willing or desirous of meeting him half way in resolving, he WILL walk away.

She may have taken for granted that @Learning Curve will stick around no matter what (kiss of death in a LTR in my experience), and often times for a woman, the fear of losing him can reignite the spark and her primal desire for him.

IMO (as a woman), she should always have a bit of fear she could lose him. Keeps things fresh and exciting in the bedroom and elsewhere... Never allow complacency to seep in, like I said kiss of death!

For a man too. Learn to embrace fear, fear can be your friend and bring you closer together if channeled properly.

I speak from experience.

Ah you're a woman...

With all due respect, but I am highly skeptical when women give advice ESPECIALLY when it's a dead end relationship. Just like you do, most women tend to sugar coat and protect each other. Why? I don't know. Perhaps you project the situation on yourself and unconsciously you try to "safe face" while it's an anonymous forum so you can just be honest.

Let's be real: you know at least one woman who been here( if you yourself ain't that woman), where there's a dead bedroom for several MONTHS. We're talking about two people spooning every damn night. Every night the stiff D pokes in your azz eager for some action and yet every -damn - night you don't feel like it and refuse his moves.

Be honest please. Don't talk like you're on a tvshow with Beyonce sitting next to you in church . This is the men's locker room.

If I can learn some I'll learn some. So you tell me that you think it's normal to withhold sex from your partner for more than 6 months? Wouldn't you aks your bff :" are you actually ATTRACTED to him?" And after some digging the honest answer is NO?

It ain't that deep. Iam also talking from experience by the way. A woman withholding sex basically messes with your entire existence ESPECIALLY if she lives with you.

But , let's ask @BeExcellent to chime in so we get some female perspective on this and perhaps I can learn a thing or two.

 

[Solomon]

OP she is not attracted to you
If a woman is not gushing like a 25 year old of the anticipation she is going through the motion
Time to give her, her pink slip OP but we know you won't. So you gonna waste another year of life with her and eventually find out she's getting pounded hard by some big black guy

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

There must be sexual desire or the relationship is dead/dying.

Now. There are many ways desire can be withered and I do not think we are getting the full story from OP.

If he was always the one pursuing sexually perhaps her desire was never super high, but desire can be killed even if initially present. There is something in the interaction happening. They are fighting and she is upset/hurt (kills desire), they spend too much time together (no mystery - boring predictable life) which can kill desire....and some people have less sexual nature than others. They may have frustrating communication/miscommunication issues, those are insidious over time and can kill desire.

Something in the interaction between them is killing desire. My question is what.....and I don't think we have enough information to know at this point. OP needs to really think about this.

Otherwise he leaves....only to repeat the same pattern with the next relationship.

 

[Sega Genesis]

So you tell me that you think it's normal to withhold sex from your partner for more than 6 months?

Excuse me but where did I say that? I didn't and no I don't think it's normal, absolutely NOT.

You missed my entire point. I agreed with what @Divorced w 3 posted and expounded a bit using the Eastern teachings he had referred to as I understand them.

Disagree with me fine, but your post was not only inaccurate but insulting and berating.

Like you I'm here offering my opinion (as a woman) to stop being a simp and allowing her to call all the shots.

Leave if she's not willing to meet you halfway and make sure she understands that. It sounds like she has lost respect which will kill sexual desire. THAT is what I posted.

If you don't agree with that, so be.

Let's be real: you know at least one woman who been here( if you yourself ain't that woman), where there's a dead bedroom for several MONTHS. We're talking about two people spooning every damn night. Every night the stiff D pokes in your azz eager for some action and yet every -damn - night you don't feel like it and refuse his moves.

I don't know who you're referring to here^ but it's not me. I never had a "dead end bedroom" with any of my partners. Issues to resolve? Yes. But frequency of sex was never one of them.

This is the men's locker room.

Fair enough, last post.

 

[Learning Curve]

OP she is not attracted to you
If a woman is not gushing like a 25 year old of the anticipation she is going through the motion
Time to give her, her pink slip OP but we know you won't.

This i get, and the talk will come and i will determine what i will do.

As a man, i will make a decisive decision own it and move on.

So you gonna waste another year of life with her and eventually find out she's getting pounded hard by some big black guy.

No i will not, you have to understand when you give an advice, don't project your own dreamland and try to play it smart. Give advice that helps not an advice that is a waste of time.

Anyway thanks.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

I agree with @BeExcellent . This relationship Is dead.

She lost attraction. This can happen again with the next girl if he doesnt figure out why this girl lost attraction.

 

[Gamisch]

Excuse me but where did I say that? I didn't and no I don't think it's normal, absolutely NOT.

You missed my entire point. I agreed with what @Divorced w 3 posted and expounded a bit using the Eastern teachings he had referred to as I understand them.

Disagree with me fine, but your post was not only inaccurate but insulting and berating.

Like you I'm here offering my opinion (as a woman) to stop being a simp and allowing her to call all the shots.

Leave if she's not willing to meet you halfway and make sure she understands that. It sounds like she has lost respect which will kill sexual desire. THAT is what I posted.

If you don't agree with that, so be.



I don't know who you're referring to here^ but it's not me. I never had a "dead end bedroom" with any of my partners. Issues to resolve? Yes. But frequency of sex was never one of them.



Fair enough, last post.

Bey bey felicia.

If you are offended because I ask you some normal questions..it's indeed better you leave and stop polluting the forum. Belittling? Lol. You gotta thick skin don't ya? Damn. Conveniently leaving out the parts why I say hey if I'm wrong I'm wrong we all here to learn from each other.

Nobody needs that negative bytchy energy around Christmas. Shows again its nearly impossible to have a normal conversation/ discussion with certain women. Thanks for showing that AGAIN. The Reddit feminism echo chamber will be a better fit for you

 

[Learning Curve]

If he was always the one pursuing sexually perhaps her desire was never super high, but desire can be killed even if initially present. There is something in the interaction happening. They are fighting and she is upset/hurt (kills desire), they spend too much time together (no mystery - boring predictable life) which can kill desire....and some people have less sexual nature than others. They may have frustrating communication/miscommunication issues, those are insidious over time and can kill desire.

I have posted previously in other threads that this specific woman is pretty much a woman with no interests, hobbies or activities.

Many discussions have taken place with her with suggestions on how to fill up her time with interests, for her to do something during the day after work and not to sit / netflix / chill all day so she is not bored, this is also part of the problem. I'm not her daddy to try and solve all her psychological problems, sexual problems, i tried as a partner to help her and ignite interest in her daily life and routines.

Many women this days are scrolling on their phones all day, netflix and chill and are gossipping with their girlfriends about what celebrities have done in the past 24 hours which is probably the most boring and stupid thing to waste your daily time on. Part of that is what she is doing, not to a high level of extend as she used too.

But here is the thing, my mission at the moment is to win financially, spiritually, and health wise and to help my family. I have no time to be on the couch all day, netflix and do boring-life-stupid-routines. I'm on a mission to create an interesting life and i want a partner that will do that with me, not a partner who is focused on what season game of thrones has ended on. This was discussed and as she pointed out she understands that she needs to work on that.

Every week there is plan to go somewhere, i plan and lead to do things. I can't do this every single day of the week so she is not bored because she has nothing to do after work, this is what @Gamisch also pointed out her efforts are pretty much like a tea-spoon. She has to figure out things and work to create an interesting life also on HER PART.

I want an interesting life, in the beggining when we met, there was more spark yes, but part of her lifestyle was different because she was coming from another city to stay with me, before she moved in with me. So probably she was not that bored as she is now because she was with her friends in her city and now she is not, but we are going to her city every two weeks, so she can see her family and friends so yes i'm INVESTING in that.

We are in the same house, she is working from home. I get that life can get predictable, and boring but my current lifestyle does not have an active social lifestyle as before, and from experience i know that human beings need to interact and socialize or they will die from boredom.

I get that she is not socializing, she is home all day, but hey you are livin with me, you should be happy to an extend because this was a mutual decision. If this has killed the desire, well then i get that and there is nothing i can do or change. She either will change her boring, predictable behaviours and also provide as a partner some efforts in to this relationship or i'm out and this is done.

To finalize, this is not part of "my problem" and i will transfer this to the next relationship. Is a large part also of her problem, communicaton is there, we are communicating there is some arguments here and there as with all relationships but nothing major.

I have nothing to transfer to a next relationship, My EX was all over me without me having to discuss anything, she was very sexual and she loved sex. So there is a difference of a woman who knows what she wants and a woman who does not understand basic principles on how to keep a man.

Now, i'm done.

Interested to get your point of view as a woman.

 

[pipeman84]

Previous relationships basically she ended them. She had plenty of them, one was for 4 years one for 5 years all of them failed. Yes this is a red flag. But also her EX was controlling, needy and insecure as f3uck. So, it was an easy decision for her. is not like it was all her fault and i'm not justyfing her relationships.

But most relationships she had it ended because she was falling out of love-getting bored i suppose and as mentioned the last relationship was with a controlling and needy ex.

You sound like all talk, no action to me man. You wrote the above almost 5 months ago and based on the info in that post alone you should've ended it, right there and then. Full stop, no excuses. Yet here you are opening another thread about her and this has gone even longer than the last one.

 

[Guitar_Whizz]

I haven't read any posts other than the OP, but I'm sure somebody else has already said what I'm about to say.

It's not that sex doesn't interest her much, it's that sex with YOU does not interest her that much. Consider whether you've changed over the course of those 17 months; have you gained weight, have your finances suffered, since you live together are you getting a little too comfortable doing things in front of her that might bother her, etc.

If you truly believe the answer is no to all of the above, I would guess that she is either cheating or fantasizing about cheating. You can think what you want, but where there's a will there's a way.

Quick story to illustrate the hoops a woman will jump through if she really wants to hide something:

My ex, the BPD one, during our first and only Christmas together, decided that she wanted to buy me a bunch of nice clothes, but she didn't know my size and didn't want to give me any hints as to what the gifts would be. Here's what she did...she downloaded an app that somehow calculates your clothing size by scanning you with the phone's camera - which she did while I was asleep, careful not to wake me because I'm an incredibly light sleeper. She then temporarily blocked me from viewing any of her Instagram or Snapchat stories. This is because she put out a public post looking for one of her followers nearby that matches my measurements who would be available to go with her to the mall and try on a bunch of clothes she intended to buy me to see how they would fit.

I had no idea. You might not either. All I'm saying is I would never be so confident to think there's zero chance.

Wow, that's F'd up what she did. How did you find out about it?

 

[Gamisch]

I have posted previously in other threads that this specific woman is pretty much a woman with no interests, hobbies or activities.

Many discussions have taken place with her with suggestions on how to fill up her time with interests, for her to do something during the day after work and not to sit / netflix / chill all day so she is not bored, this is also part of the problem. I'm not her daddy to try and solve all her psychological problems, sexual problems, i tried as a partner to help her and ignite interest in her daily life and routines.

Many women this days are scrolling on their phones all day, netflix and chill and are gossipping with their girlfriends about what celebrities have done in the past 24 hours which is probably the most boring and stupid thing to waste your daily time on. Part of that is what she is doing, not to a high level of extend as she used too.

But here is the thing, my mission at the moment is to win financially, spiritually, and health wise and to help my family. I have no time to be on the couch all day, netflix and do boring-life-stupid-routines. I'm on a mission to create an interesting life and i want a partner that will do that with me, not a partner who is focused on what season game of thrones has ended on. This was discussed and as she pointed out she understands that she needs to work on that.

Every week there is plan to go somewhere, i plan and lead to do things. I can't do this every single day of the week so she is not bored because she has nothing to do after work, this is what @Gamisch also pointed out her efforts are pretty much like a tea-spoon. She has to figure out things and work to create an interesting life also on HER PART.

I want an interesting life, in the beggining when we met, there was more spark yes, but part of her lifestyle was different because she was coming from another city to stay with me, before she moved in with me. So probably she was not that bored as she is now because she was with her friends in her city and now she is not, but we are going to her city every two weeks, so she can see her family and friends so yes i'm INVESTING in that.

We are in the same house, she is working from home. I get that life can get predictable, and boring but my current lifestyle does not have an active social lifestyle as before, and from experience i know that human beings need to interact and socialize or they will die from boredom.

I get that she is not socializing, she is home all day, but hey you are livin with me, you should be happy to an extend because this was a mutual decision. If this has killed the desire, well then i get that and there is nothing i can do or change. She either will change her boring, predictable behaviours and also provide as a partner some efforts in to this relationship or i'm out and this is done.

To finalize, this is not part of "my problem" and i will transfer this to the next relationship. Is a large part also of her problem, communicaton is there, we are communicating there is some arguments here and there as with all relationships but nothing major.

I have nothing to transfer to a next relationship, My EX was all over me without me having to discuss anything, she was very sexual and she loved sex. So there is a difference of a woman who knows what she wants and a woman who does not understand basic principles on how to keep a man.

Now, i'm done.

Interested to get your point of view as a woman.

Yeah, wish you all the best bro...complicated situation to say the least.

Let us know how it goes

 

[BPH]

Wow, that's F'd up what she did. How did you find out about it?

the clothes she bought him fitted like a glove?

She told me while I was opening them up and trying them on.