Curious situation with a girl

[Sega Genesis]

Facing your fears is the only way to overcome them

Amen.

 

[Mike32ct]

Facing fears can lead to overcoming them, but I would just add that your thinking about that fear would also have to change (automatically or manually) to fully overcome it. Otherwise, exposure alone could reinforce fear.

If, while taking action, you keep thinking “This sucks. I need to force my way through it”, it will always suck and be a painful or fearful grind.

But if your thinking slowly improves as you face the fear such as “This isn’t so bad” or “This is easy” or “This is kinda fun” etc., then you have a great shot at fully overcoming xyz.

 

[crowolf]

News: She actually replied the other day (from when I thought she had ghosted me).

We chatted for a bit, then I left it there, as it was still a bit unclear if she is investing or not, and (for whatever reason) I didn't want to strike with a direct offer to meet up. And turns out neither of us is a text person.

I left it there again for a week or so. Then yesterday I texted her. She replied many hours later. I replied today at noon, telling her that “I would have suggested to see each other but it probably wasn’t the right time”.

She responded quickly to that in voice messages, explaining why she was busy, bad at texting, etc. But she also mentioned something about her boyfriend's father fixing her car. Now it kind of makes sense why things are as they are. She is a young attractive woman, after all, and it would be a bit strange, and a great stroke of luck, if she was alone & available.

So here we are. I leaved an open door for a potential future meeting. I don’t know if I will check up on her at some point, or perhaps she will reach out. Our dynamic was also quite vague - there is some chemistry for sure, IOIs, etc. but I haven't directly stated my intent this time. So maybe she is also unsure where we stand, and that's why she mentioned the bf part. Which is good to know, regardless. And reminds me of how the whole idea of "escalating" is to know where you stand with the girl.

The good thing is that I have been so un-needy recently. I don't give af at all. Not chasing any woman. Not falling into lust... It's a good state to be. Maybe if I find a fine balance with taking some initiative towards girls that cross my path, whom I find attractive, but not to fall into attachments and hopes - that would be the best thing.

~

P.S. - Guys, don't derail the thread like that... Not that it matters, but I have probably done around 300+ direct cold approaches in daytime during the past 2 years. So clearly, my issue is not fear of that kind. I think it's all about some trauma and traces of low self-worth. But that's a whole another topic.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Well I guess the best way to work through this outcome is to be able to reflect on it and how things went down with the view that she was with another man in a pretty serious relationship given that the guys dad is fixing her car. Using that as your lens, I would go back and think about how she was likely just acting like a regular person who bumped into an old family acquaintance who didn’t necessarily display a whole ton of interest but instead was just being a social, affable human being. If you truly think there is more than maybe periodically you guys find ways for you and your siblings to all hang out or something now and then, but as I was saying originally a few weeks ago, this is just a case of someone bumping into someone from years past, getting giddy in that kind of ‘you’ll never believe who I ran into’ kind of way, and just use it as an experience to learn how friendly, confident and secure people operate. And buddy believe me I hear you on the trauma. I was this way once also. Now I can operate these things more normally but when the situation get deeper I still get twisted up. Stay with it. Thanks for letting us know.

 

[Clockwerk50]

News: She actually replied the other day (from when I thought she had ghosted me).

We chatted for a bit, then I left it there, as it was still a bit unclear if she is investing or not, and (for whatever reason) I didn't want to strike with a direct offer to meet up. And turns out neither of us is a text person.

I left it there again for a week or so. Then yesterday I texted her. She replied many hours later. I replied today at noon, telling her that “I would have suggested to see each other but it probably wasn’t the right time”.

She responded quickly to that in voice messages, explaining why she was busy, bad at texting, etc. But she also mentioned something about her boyfriend's father fixing her car. Now it kind of makes sense why things are as they are. She is a young attractive woman, after all, and it would be a bit strange, and a great stroke of luck, if she was alone & available.

So here we are. I leaved an open door for a potential future meeting. I don’t know if I will check up on her at some point, or perhaps she will reach out. Our dynamic was also quite vague - there is some chemistry for sure, IOIs, etc. but I haven't directly stated my intent this time. So maybe she is also unsure where we stand, and that's why she mentioned the bf part. Which is good to know, regardless. And reminds me of how the whole idea of "escalating" is to know where you stand with the girl.

The good thing is that I have been so un-needy recently. I don't give af at all. Not chasing any woman. Not falling into lust... It's a good state to be. Maybe if I find a fine balance with taking some initiative towards girls that cross my path, whom I find attractive, but not to fall into attachments and hopes - that would be the best thing.

~

P.S. - Guys, don't derail the thread like that... Not that it matters, but I have probably done around 300+ direct cold approaches in daytime during the past 2 years. So clearly, my issue is not fear of that kind. I think it's all about some trauma and traces of low self-worth. But that's a whole another topic.

At least you can take some solace in the fact that your mind can now stop fantasizing about the attractive old family friend you reconnected with by coincidence, and the idea that you two might share some future together through romance, destiny, or fate. Since she mentioned her boyfriend, that usually signals a boundary and a level of unavailability because she’s likely committed and happy with him.

And lastly, in the dating game, your job as a man isn’t to convince the women you’re attracted to to choose you just because they fit your ideal. It’s to choose the ideal woman from the ones who are genuinely attracted to you. In an ideal world, the woman you want to seduce should be the one making those little movies in her head about you—the old family friend who she interacted with at a conference event she can’t stop thinking about.

 

[coldapproach]

In an ideal world, the woman you want to seduce should be the one making those little movies in her head about you—the old family friend who she interacted with at a conference event she can’t stop thinking about.

I'm a movie star then..??

 

[Clockwerk50]

I'm a movie star then..??

You’re not. Movie stars don’t write ‘sex’ like ‘cex.’ Try again.

 

[crowolf]

The saga continues, lol.

After the last chat on Facebook, where I showed some intent by asking her out (probably in the most strategic way possible, haha), she started watching my stories.

And yesterday, about a week later, out of nowhere she requested to follow me on Instagram. There I saw that she really does have a boyfriend, and they have a couple’s photoshoot where they look kind of engaged.

But I am a bit puzzled about why is she "chasing" me now. Maybe it’s the thrill that she got from our re-meeting. And she sees that I am an adventurous guy (considering that she lacks this in her life right now).

Or maybe she sees me as a friend who gives her a bit of attention on the side. Although I think it’s clear from my communication style that I am not the type of guy who gifts tons of free attention.

We started chatting on Instagram. However, I don’t think asking her out again is right, given the fact that she is in a serious relationship.

Any thoughts?

 

[Doctor Europeo]

But I am a bit puzzled about why is she "chasing" me now.

Maybe she wants your D. Maybe she wants you as an orbiter for free attention/validation.

 

[Divorced w 3]

The saga continues, lol.

After the last chat on Facebook, where I showed some intent by asking her out (probably in the most strategic way possible, haha), she started watching my stories.

And yesterday, about a week later, out of nowhere she requested to follow me on Instagram. There I saw that she really does have a boyfriend, and they have a couple’s photoshoot where they look kind of engaged.

But I am a bit puzzled about why is she "chasing" me now. Maybe it’s the thrill that she got from our re-meeting. And she sees that I am an adventurous guy (considering that she lacks this in her life right now).

Or maybe she sees me as a friend who gives her a bit of attention on the side. Although I think it’s clear from my communication style that I am not the type of guy who gifts tons of free attention.

We started chatting on Instagram. However, I don’t think asking her out again is right, given the fact that she is in a serious relationship.

Any thoughts?

I think she’s just adding a long time family friend to her account.

Think carefully about what I am going to say next. There may be some curiosity, maybe not all is well under the roof with her man, maybe she is just looking for a diversion but things with her man are well enough. You could play that game all day but you’re going to get a massive headache. The absolutely only thing that is going to tip her intent is to have her respond to an action. If you want to know an answer to your questions you have to ask her out. She has a boyfriend so what. Women lie. If she is interested or not will be determined by the above.

 

[Sega Genesis]

The absolutely only thing that is going to tip her intent is to have her respond to an action. If you want to know an answer to your questions you have to ask her out.

I agree with this^^ as it's better to know than not know, continue to wonder and drive yourself crazy with all these "maybe's."

However if you choose to go that route I would caution you to think carefully and cautiously about getting involved (even casually) with someone involved in another relationship, in this case a serious relationship.

OR you could choose to not engage further, walk away and find a woman who is free emotionally and 'available.'

 

[pipeman84]

And my intentions towards her - honestly I was in-love. I thought to myself I could wifey this girl.

Yeah well, she's taken. If she leaves her boyfriend for you, then definitely she's not wife material. So asking her out, as the 2 posters above suggest is a lose/lose proposition. She says NO and you make a fool of yourself for not taking the obvious hint (she told you she has a BF and you've seen it on her IG). She says YES and you complicate your life with a low quality woman.

 

[Clockwerk50]

The saga continues, lol.

After the last chat on Facebook, where I showed some intent by asking her out (probably in the most strategic way possible, haha), she started watching my stories.

And yesterday, about a week later, out of nowhere she requested to follow me on Instagram. There I saw that she really does have a boyfriend, and they have a couple’s photoshoot where they look kind of engaged.

But I am a bit puzzled about why is she "chasing" me now. Maybe it’s the thrill that she got from our re-meeting. And she sees that I am an adventurous guy (considering that she lacks this in her life right now).

Or maybe she sees me as a friend who gives her a bit of attention on the side. Although I think it’s clear from my communication style that I am not the type of guy who gifts tons of free attention.

We started chatting on Instagram. However, I don’t think asking her out again is right, given the fact that she is in a serious relationship.

Any thoughts?

Your own enemy here is your level of investment and interest. The general theory about attracting non-complying women is to be patient, strategic, and let them come to you. I think you’re overanalyzing the situation since the probability of her “monkey-branching” or having a fling is very low given her engagement. This shows she’s clearly a committed woman, not a serial dater.

If we do a quick risk-management analysis of your dilemma, the effort and time necessary to pursue this woman likely isn’t worth it. Not only would you need her fiancé to drop the ball, but you’d also need the skill and timing to act when she’s ready, and there’s no way to know how long that might take, or if it will happen at all.

From my own experience, I’ve had a couple of affairs where the women clearly wanted to see me, kept open channels of communication by texting quickly and constantly, and even initiated affection. On the other hand, I’ve had situations that didn’t materialize into anything. For example, the first issue I posted about in this forum involved a woman who would contact me first, invite me out, dress nicely, engage in flirty or sexual talk, and share her personal struggles, yet she frequently referenced her partner and maintained boundaries I couldn’t cross. Eventually, she and her partner bought a house together (her partner didn’t drop the ball). I still hear from her occasionally, and last time I talked to her was last July, but her responses take days, and I’m usually the one who replies quicker. The point is: you can’t force these things; it only happens if they truly signal interest.

My advice is to keep this woman on the back burner while you focus on other women but keep your expectations low. Real progress only happens when she begins giving genuine signals of interest. I wouldn’t consider watching your stories or following you on Instagram as strong signals. Again, your investment and interest are your Achilles’ heel.

 

[Sega Genesis]

She has a boyfriend so what. Women lie.

What does this^ mean? That she may be lying about having a boyfriend or being happy with boyfriend? If not, then what is she potentially lying about?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

What does this^ mean? That she may be lying about having a boyfriend or being happy with boyfriend? If not, then what is she potentially lying about?

She may be lying but even if she is, it is a clear indication she isn't interested in OP since women omit that when they are talking to someone they are interested in.

 

[Divorced w 3]

What does this^ mean? That she may be lying about having a boyfriend or being happy with boyfriend? If not, then what is she potentially lying about?

If she was interested in him she would give the boyfriend an excuse as to why she was out and go see him instead.

 

[Sega Genesis]

If she was interested in him she would give the boyfriend an excuse as to why she was out and go see him instead.

You mean like this? Towards the end of video.

Dan: Can I ask you a question? Why don't you have a date tonight, it's Saturday night?

Alex: I did have a date, I stood him up, that was the phone call I made.

It might have been a boyfriend, we don't know. And okay he's married and she turned out to be a nutjob BUT.....

Their chemistry was insane!

So what you wrote, as wrong as it may be to lie (for both) and as hard as we try to always be honest and act with integrity, yeah okay.

 

[crowolf]

I won’t chase. And it’s true that if she pursues me while having a serious boyfriend, this is a bad sign about her.

However, on the other side, she may be bored of him, and might have been that way for some time now. So this is her opportunity for something “better”.

Or maybe he is a chronic beta nice guy, and she saw me as the opposite of that. Whatever, we can guess infinitively about what’s on her mind.

All I (think I) know is that she has some pulling towards me, which seems to be stronger than the rational approach to the situation - to live her life as it is with her boyfriend by her side.

Honestly, If she continues to initiate contact of some sort, I might ask her out sometime (not exactly on a date but rather invite her to an event or something), and see how it goes. The chemistry was there last time for sure..