Curious situation with a girl

[crowolf]

Long story short, I (re)met this girl that I had actually been childhood friends with. We were at an event about public speaking. At first I wasn't sure if it's her, since I haven't seen her for 15+ years, but then I collected some clues that it's actually her.

We didn't talk at all previously during the event. But around the ending of the last session (she came to only 2 of 4) I said to her "excuse me, are you from "X (town)"" - she is looking me with huge eyes of surprise and maybe some fear, then responds "yeah". I continue "and you have a bigger brother" . . . "X (his name)". - "yes.." - to what I say: "you didn't recognize me (with a smirk)". Then I gave her some more information that we were family friends as children...

As we cross rooms quickly to hear the closing speech, I tell her "ah, you were probably too little, and you don't remember (she is actually 3 years younger than me)". By this time she is walking with me. I sit on a chair, and she sits right next to me. Maybe it's good to mention that while we entered the first room, we were a small group of around 10 people, and I was among the first to "capture" a chair by putting my jacket and stuff on it. Surprisingly, she decided to chose a chair close to mine, even if there were more options.

So the event ends, and we are about to exit the place. She kind of waited to leave with me. I also wandered a minute more, so we can leave at the same time... And there we go - exiting together. As we go down the floors, I ask her basic rapport questions - is she studying right now, how is her brother doing... Then we exit, and it rains. I put my jacket on and open my umbrella. Asked her if she is also going to the metro. Someone called her on the phone, and it turned out that she will be picked by car. I assume it's her boyfriend or something (she also had a fancy ring). So I just tell her goodbye, not even getting a contact. Yet we had an interesting eye contact there.

About 30 min. later I get home, and my mother calls me. Turns out this girl has already asked her mother about me and this situation, and the latter has talked to my mother, haha. From what I hear now, the girl was ashamed of not recognizing me, she referred to me as "a sexy man" to her mother (lol), and some old pictures were brought up.

~

A week later another family friend arranged a hangout at a bar, where me, this girl and her brother were invited to reunite. We did. Was great. She sat close next to me on the couch, had this very young feminine energy that just revitalizes a guy (can't put it into words, but you probably know what I am talking about), held a lot of eye contact, giggled, sh#t tested me a lot, asked me a ton of questions... But on the downside - her brother was on her other side, and I couldn't flirt with her more than a little, because it would be strange. We are on good terms with him but still...

Also as I reflected on the situation, I might have been a bit into her frame, as I told all kind of life stories (perhaps been put into the role of an entertainer? / even if there were probably DHVs, grounding and somewhat deep rapport in there). It wasn't a 100% clear that she is into me, she was also giving a lot of attention to her brother (I don't think they see each other often, so it's normal).

At the end of the night her brother drives her home, then me. I exchange Facebook with both of them. She accepted my friend request very quickly, and probably stalked my profile there (which is on the authentic side - I share what I like, which is more often than not different from what's "popping" - DHV selfies and all of that, even if there is some good lifestyle content, too).

The next day (Saturday) was her birthday, so I thought there is no point reaching out (I had already said her wishes in person earlier). On Sunday I planned to maybe reach out, but I was a bit hesitant because of our history and all of the family expectations that might be put on us if we start dating. So I thought to myself, maybe it can be in secret, at least at first. I uploaded a story this day, expecting her to see it quickly (taking this as a green light), or even reply to it. But she didn't even see it. No interactions from her side. (I understand that she might not actively use Facebook, and that this tactic is somewhat indirect and silly, but I think according to the circumstances, there is some logic to it).

And my intentions towards her - honestly I was in-love. I thought to myself I could wifey this girl. And I don't see red flags either, which might be normal, considering I met her in the company of her brother, and around some family friends.

But now, some 10 days later, I still think whether I should reach out to her. But I don't like the thought of the possibility of a rejection. Maybe I can approach her indirectly, but wouldn't that be silly? Or maybe I should let go and "leave it to fate".

What do you think?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

You literally just reconnected with this girl again and you are attributing all these positive attributes based on literally nothing other than her showing you some attention and a 3rd party mention of you being "Sexy".

This is how men get railroaded because they screen with their d!ck not with their brain.

 

[crowolf]

You literally just reconnected with this girl again and you are attributing all these positive attributes based on literally nothing.

This is how men get railroaded because they screen with their d!ck not with their brain.

Thanks for the feedback. I'd appreciate it even more if you elaborate on what you mean by "screening with my brain"?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thanks for the feedback. I'd appreciate it even more if you elaborate on what you mean by "screening with my brain"?

It means that you observe her behavior in various situations over time and look for a consistency of it.

This cannot be discerned by spending a day or two with someone. This takes months.

Most men fail to screen properly then wonder why they end up in bad relationships.

Now, to be fair, she MAY actually have these attributes but you are not even close to being able to actually know for sure.

You haven't even gone on a date with her yet or asked her out so all of this is way too premature. If you are afraid of asking her out then I guess it allows you to remain in this fantasyland where she has all these positive attributes and is this perfect woman rather than finding out the truth.

Essentially what I am telling you to do is to sh!t or get off the toilet.

 

[crowolf]

It means that you observe her behavior in various situations over time and look for a consistency of it.

This cannot be discerned by spending a day or two with someone. This takes months.

Most men fail to screen properly then wonder why they end up in bad relationships.

Now, to be fair, she MAY actually have these attributes but you are not even close to being able to actually know for sure.

You haven't even gone on a date with her yet or asked her out so all of this is way too premature. If you are afraid of asking her out then I guess it allows you to remain in this fantasyland where she has all these positive attributes and is this perfect woman rather than finding out the truth.

Essentially what I am telling you to do is to sh!t or get off the toilet.

Ah, yeah, of course. At this point I don't even see myself in a long-term relationship, but I mentioned that intentions part because my goal with her is not just s3x. The current goal was perhaps finding the right way to reach out, if it's even worth it at the first place. That's my dilemma.

Not a big deal if she's unavailable for whatever reason (even a lack of attraction), but 1) I'm tired of rejections, and 2) The situation is a bit tricky.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Ah, yeah, of course. At this point I don't even see myself in a long-term relationship, but I mentioned that intentions part because my goal with her is not just s3x. The current goal was perhaps finding the right way to reach out, if it's even worth it at the first place. That's my dilemma.

"Hey xxxx, it was nice running into you again after all this time. I really enjoyed our interaction, let's continue it over a drink sometime. What's your schedule look like this week?"

Or something to that effect. And that's it. It's either yes or no answer and then you go from there.

If you want to win, you have to play the game. Nobody ever scored a goal by sitting on the sidelines.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Did she ever mention having a boyfriend, being engaged, or married? Did she indicate you should just stay friends like drawing a boundary?

If not, I'd wait 3-4 weeks after your last meet-up to restore the balance since this sounds like it is social circle game. Send her a message, then turn it into a text game. Try something like:

"Hey {name}, what are you doing? My mom doesn’t stop talking about you. I think she has a plan I don’t know about."

• If she responds playfully → casually suggest meeting as a continuation of the conversation.
• If she responds neutrally, restrictive or distant → don’t escalate. Maintain patience and let her invest in the interaction.

The main premise here is that the person who maintains their frame should not rush to extend the invitation; instead, attraction is built in such a way that the other person begins to desire more of your presence, and ideally, becomes the one to seek it. You'll know she wants more of you if she double texts, comments on your story or post, or suggests a place to meet up.

Again, however, if you do not want to deal with all of this drama just ask her out and move on with your life.

 

[crowolf]

Thank you for the help.

Quick update: I messaged her yesterday about something related to her that popped up on my Facebook feed. She was responsive and engaging at first but then suddenly disappeared. Probably because my last messages are a dull reply to hers, so now basically "the ball is in her court" to invest, and she doesn't. Takes two to tango, right?

I guess I'll take the L and move on. Otherwise I had to ask question after question, which is not my thing. And I hate texting. Maybe in the future I will invite her to some event that I am visiting, but at this point idk if it's even worth it.

At least I texted her, rather than thinking about doing it every other day. F*ck around and find out, as they say.

I am seriously thinking about taking a break from taking any initiative about building a relationship with a woman for maybe 6 months or so. I am so done with all the "failed" attempts, broken expectations, false hope and attachment that brings me suffering. This year has been full of this for me.

Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe I have to focus on other things of life.

Let's see..

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thank you for the help.

Quick update: I messaged her yesterday about something related to her that popped up on my Facebook feed. She was responsive and engaging at first but then suddenly disappeared. Probably because my last messages are a dull reply to hers, so now basically "the ball is in her court" to invest, and she doesn't. Takes two to tango, right?

I guess I'll take the L and move on. Otherwise I had to ask question after question, which is not my thing. And I hate texting. Maybe in the future I will invite her to some event that I am visiting, but at this point idk if it's even worth it.

At least I texted her, rather than thinking about doing it every other day. F*ck around and find out, as they say.

I am seriously thinking about taking a break from taking any initiative about building a relationship with a woman for maybe 6 months or so. I am so done with all the "failed" attempts, broken expectations, false hope and attachment that brings me suffering. This year has been full of this for me.

Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe I have to focus on other things of life.

Let's see..

Maybe you should have just asked her out instead of about some random nonsense?

You essentially disqualified yourself.

 

[Barrister]

Thank you for the help.

Quick update: I messaged her yesterday about something related to her that popped up on my Facebook feed. She was responsive and engaging at first but then suddenly disappeared. Probably because my last messages are a dull reply to hers, so now basically "the ball is in her court" to invest, and she doesn't. Takes two to tango, right?

I guess I'll take the L and move on. Otherwise I had to ask question after question, which is not my thing. And I hate texting. Maybe in the future I will invite her to some event that I am visiting, but at this point idk if it's even worth it.

At least I texted her, rather than thinking about doing it every other day. F*ck around and find out, as they say.

I am seriously thinking about taking a break from taking any initiative about building a relationship with a woman for maybe 6 months or so. I am so done with all the "failed" attempts, broken expectations, false hope and attachment that brings me suffering. This year has been full of this for me.

Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe I have to focus on other things of life.

Let's see..

Hard to help you out without anymore context than what you’re giving. I would say there’s definitely still an avenue to do a circle back in a couple of weeks so long as your exchange wasn’t a complete crash and burn (i.e. you said some really weird sh1t).

When and if you do that I would definitely not beat around the bush the next time and would ask her out fairly early in the exchange. Regardless, give it some space at this point for a bit.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Take a breather. Call her, spend 10 minutes on the phone and ask her out.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

I guess I'll take the L and move on. Otherwise I had to ask question after question

At this point you might as well throw a Hail Mary and ask one last question: "Would you like to hang out sometime?"

 

[BackInTheGame78]

At this point you might as well throw a Hail Mary and ask one last question: "Would you like to hang out sometime?"

That literally should have been the first message...I'm not sure why guys try to make it so hard on themselves when it is just not that difficult.

 

[Glassguy]

Why didnt you just ask her out?
Hey I'm going to such and such place on this day. Care to join me?
Its so easy. Yet you guys make it sooo damn hard because youre scared to death of potential rejection.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Thank you for the help.

Quick update: I messaged her yesterday about something related to her that popped up on my Facebook feed. She was responsive and engaging at first but then suddenly disappeared. Probably because my last messages are a dull reply to hers, so now basically "the ball is in her court" to invest, and she doesn't. Takes two to tango, right?

I guess I'll take the L and move on. Otherwise I had to ask question after question, which is not my thing. And I hate texting. Maybe in the future I will invite her to some event that I am visiting, but at this point idk if it's even worth it.

At least I texted her, rather than thinking about doing it every other day. F*ck around and find out, as they say.

I am seriously thinking about taking a break from taking any initiative about building a relationship with a woman for maybe 6 months or so. I am so done with all the "failed" attempts, broken expectations, false hope and attachment that brings me suffering. This year has been full of this for me.

Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe I have to focus on other things of life.

Let's see..

If she was receptive initially, why didn’t you pull the trigger? Why text on a Friday when people are usually busy? Did you flirt or make the interaction clearly romantic? If not, it’s a clear path to the friend zone.

If she were interested, she’d give you a straight lane for a layup and hint at meeting in person. Avoiding her on her birthday, hesitating the next day, and trying to get her attention indirectly by posting a story all come across as reactive. Trying to get her attention that way puts her in control instead of you, which makes me think her SMV is higher or that you like her more than she likes you, or you lack confidence in your skills, or have a scarcity mentality.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I’m going to translate what happened and I mean it in a nice way:

you say hi
She knew she knew you so she starts sitting next to you in a place where neither of you know anyone else, and it’s a friendly situation
She goes home and says mom guess who I ran into do you remember them? She calls you attractive (big IOI). Moms excited now too, and has an excuse to socialize also with an old friend
Going out again is great sign. Had a great chance for you all to just hang out, reminisce, reconnect. Would have been the best opportunity at the end there to get her number, given that 15 years went by the likelihood of you guys seeing each other again was very low if you were shot down

All this other stuff afterwards is where you massively outsmarted yourself with this attempt to follow game, text book following attempts, I know the stuff you were trying to do but whatever you were trying to do you absolutely employed it in the wrong order

There were definitely leanings of interest. You don’t have any social connection or family connection this is where you are dead wrong. Your families are not friends anymore. A decade and a half passed by. You had almost the best of both. You had a chance to skip a lot of the ice breaking with the old family friends angle but if it didn’t work okay there would not be any further reconnection.

I would do the following at this point: message her on whatever message platform you’re on and you say hey I forgot to ask you something, what’s your number. She’ll give it to you and won’t think about it twice. You call her up and you make a couple minutes of small talk. How was your weekend. How’s school going so far. Tell her something off the cuff so you sound interesting. Oh right sorry I meant to ask you. So Wednesday night at 6:30 thought it would be great to grab a drink and catch up again. Silence.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Long story short, I (re)met this girl that I had actually been childhood friends with. We were at an event about public speaking. At first I wasn't sure if it's her, since I haven't seen her for 15+ years, but then I collected some clues that it's actually her.

We didn't talk at all previously during the event. But around the ending of the last session (she came to only 2 of 4) I said to her "excuse me, are you from "X (town)"" - she is looking me with huge eyes of surprise and maybe some fear, then responds "yeah". I continue "and you have a bigger brother" . . . "X (his name)". - "yes.." - to what I say: "you didn't recognize me (with a smirk)". Then I gave her some more information that we were family friends as children...

As we cross rooms quickly to hear the closing speech, I tell her "ah, you were probably too little, and you don't remember (she is actually 3 years younger than me)". By this time she is walking with me. I sit on a chair, and she sits right next to me. Maybe it's good to mention that while we entered the first room, we were a small group of around 10 people, and I was among the first to "capture" a chair by putting my jacket and stuff on it. Surprisingly, she decided to chose a chair close to mine, even if there were more options.

So the event ends, and we are about to exit the place. She kind of waited to leave with me. I also wandered a minute more, so we can leave at the same time... And there we go - exiting together. As we go down the floors, I ask her basic rapport questions - is she studying right now, how is her brother doing... Then we exit, and it rains. I put my jacket on and open my umbrella. Asked her if she is also going to the metro. Someone called her on the phone, and it turned out that she will be picked by car. I assume it's her boyfriend or something (she also had a fancy ring). So I just tell her goodbye, not even getting a contact. Yet we had an interesting eye contact there.

About 30 min. later I get home, and my mother calls me. Turns out this girl has already asked her mother about me and this situation, and the latter has talked to my mother, haha. From what I hear now, the girl was ashamed of not recognizing me, she referred to me as "a sexy man" to her mother (lol), and some old pictures were brought up.

~

A week later another family friend arranged a hangout at a bar, where me, this girl and her brother were invited to reunite. We did. Was great. She sat close next to me on the couch, had this very young feminine energy that just revitalizes a guy (can't put it into words, but you probably know what I am talking about), held a lot of eye contact, giggled, sh#t tested me a lot, asked me a ton of questions... But on the downside - her brother was on her other side, and I couldn't flirt with her more than a little, because it would be strange. We are on good terms with him but still...

Also as I reflected on the situation, I might have been a bit into her frame, as I told all kind of life stories (perhaps been put into the role of an entertainer? / even if there were probably DHVs, grounding and somewhat deep rapport in there). It wasn't a 100% clear that she is into me, she was also giving a lot of attention to her brother (I don't think they see each other often, so it's normal).

At the end of the night her brother drives her home, then me. I exchange Facebook with both of them. She accepted my friend request very quickly, and probably stalked my profile there (which is on the authentic side - I share what I like, which is more often than not different from what's "popping" - DHV selfies and all of that, even if there is some good lifestyle content, too).

The next day (Saturday) was her birthday, so I thought there is no point reaching out (I had already said her wishes in person earlier). On Sunday I planned to maybe reach out, but I was a bit hesitant because of our history and all of the family expectations that might be put on us if we start dating. So I thought to myself, maybe it can be in secret, at least at first. I uploaded a story this day, expecting her to see it quickly (taking this as a green light), or even reply to it. But she didn't even see it. No interactions from her side. (I understand that she might not actively use Facebook, and that this tactic is somewhat indirect and silly, but I think according to the circumstances, there is some logic to it).

And my intentions towards her - honestly I was in-love. I thought to myself I could wifey this girl. And I don't see red flags either, which might be normal, considering I met her in the company of her brother, and around some family friends.

But now, some 10 days later, I still think whether I should reach out to her. But I don't like the thought of the possibility of a rejection. Maybe I can approach her indirectly, but wouldn't that be silly? Or maybe I should let go and "leave it to fate".

What do you think?

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? You sound like me when I was in my late teens/early 20's: prone to extreme overanalyzing and making things more complicated than they needed to be. No doubt I lost some good opportunities because of that counterproductive mindset. Sounds like you missed an opportunity here too.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Why didnt you just ask her out?
Hey I'm going to such and such place on this day. Care to join me?
Its so easy. Yet you guys make it sooo damn hard because youre scared to death of potential rejection.

This. And all the other responses to the OP as well but this sums it up.

As an aside, I know when I see an initial post that's several paragraphs long it's going to add up to "didn't ask her out." Happens EVERY time.

Bonus points if the subject uses words like "curious situation" or "unique problem" which can all be folded under "so there's this girl."

Nothing curious about it, OP. Life doesn't happen online or through secret code. "Indirect" is for in-person flirting. Asking out (and other decisions) happens directly. Just give it a couple of days and hit her up as @Glassguy said.

 

[Divorced w 3]

This. And all the other responses to the OP as well but this sums it up.

As an aside, I know when I see an initial post that's several paragraphs long it's going to add up to "didn't ask her out." Happens EVERY time.

Bonus points if the subject uses words like "curious situation" or "unique problem" which can all be folded under "so there's this girl."

Nothing curious about it, OP. Life doesn't happen online or through secret code. "Indirect" is for in-person flirting. Asking out (and other decisions) happens directly. Just give it a couple of days and hit her up as @Glassguy said.

The issue is he is dealing with massive social anxiety.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The issue is he is dealing with massive social anxiety.

Facing your fears is the only way to overcome them