"Your pictures suck and you actually seem a bit boring... or at least not as fun as me. I could teach you though...maybe. Write back or keep reading the same boring messages everyone else is sending you. Either way have a great day!"
The real humor in this is that there is actually an air of truth to it.
You would literally get far more of reaction with this, than what you planned on writing.
I have done pretty well with online dating and given advice on it dozens of times. Think about what you wrote? Would you use that crap with a girl you met in public? No, it's totally AFC. Online isn't that different. It also sounds like a cut and paste message, which girls bemoan about constantly.
I am not gonna help you make you're page, but I will give you some messaging tips.
1) Be funny and if you can pull it off, witty (I say pull it off, because if she doesn't get it, it will bomb)
2) Make a comment about something on her page, personalize it.
3) Just like in real life, don't make it sound like an approach. Just make humorous comment, that leaves her something to respond to, but in no way hits on her or expresses interest (seriously, don't express interest, the fact that you messaged her has done this-that's enough)
4) Don't make it too long-a small paragraph at best. Enough to show you gave it a few seconds of thought, but not enough to make her think she has to write you a novel back (plus it saves you time if she isn't interested)
5) Two messages you should never send. Short and pointless "What's up" "Wanna chat"... AND commenting on her physical appearance. They get this ad nausea, it's completely AFC, even more so online.
6) Never send to messages in row unanswered, unless several some serious time has passed (at least 3 days). An even then, this is questionable. Meeting online is easy, so low IL is an instant NEXT.
7) NEVER number close. Guys try this all the time. She should want to give her #, but if she doesn't, give her yours and act like it's no big deal if she calls or not. DO IT BEFORE the emails go on to long.
8) At the same time, don't spend too much time chatting or emailing. Most women lose interest, and frankly, so do I. If she has a medium to high IL, I'd say 6 or 7 emails should do it. BEFORE she loses interest, say something like "Hey, this emailing is wearing me out, here's my number if you wanna get to know each other a little better." DONT ask her to call you, and DONT make a big deal out of it.
That should be enough to get you started.