Could Use Some Advice...

[marmel75]

I really could use some advice here as I am in a little bit of unfamiliar territory with my wife...we almost never get in arguments, we get along great. However, had an incident occur yesterday where she basically freaked out and I don't really see what the big deal was...

Scenario is I went out Saturday night, had some fun, etc...had some girls grabbing my ass after the one girl grabbed it and told her friends it was "the tightest butt she has ever felt"...so naturally they all wanted to grab it after that. So whatever I just played along, my friends were cracking up laughing, didn't really try to do anything with them or really even talk to them much. We were walking from one club to another a few blocks away and they were behind us walking...all of a sudden I feel someone grab my butt and the girl was like "I'm sorry, I had to do it, it just looked really nice!" They were all a little drunk, so I just played it off and was laughing, then her friends all came up and grabbed it after she said that to them.

So anyways, fast forward to Sunday...I get up and was texting my wife's brother about the fantasy footbal league we were in and when everything was...draft, etc...we texted a few times back and forth and then I jumped in the shower. My wife said I had another text, so I figured it was from him and told her to go ahead and see what he said. Of course, my luck being what it was, the text was from my buddy from last night asking me if my ass was still sore from all the girls grabbing it last night...well my wife flipped out and started going hysterical, crying, etc...

She was like "WTF are you doing letting girls grab your ass!!", etc etc...she was saying I don't love her anymore, I don't want to be married to her anymore, I want to f**k these young girls at the clubs and that's why I go hang out with my buddies at night, etc etc etc....just basically nonstop...

I was kind of in shock about the whole thing because I didn't really see it as that much of a big deal...I mean OK, I can see her point a little bit, but its not like I was running up to girls and telling them to rub my ass...the whole thing happened in like 15 seconds or so, its not like I had a lot of time to think and react to the situation. I didn't ask the girl to grab my ass, or even initiate any type of conversation with her, she just did it on her own...almost like a dare from the other girls in the group...

So anyways, I am still dead tired from last night because I only slept about 4 hours and now I am having to deal with this...she is telling me she doesn't trust me anymore and that "It can't work like this", crying hysterically on the couch...I am just sitting there really not doing or saying much of anything... a lot of silence from me really...I started to rub her back a little bit and pulle her into my shoulder and he is just sobbing and sobbing...I am like WTF is going on here...she tells me she doesn't want me going out anymore to the clubs, don't really say anything to that(not going to happen), and I ask her if she just expects me to sit in the house and do nothing...she then says she doesn't mind me going out to play pool or other things with the guys, she just doesn't want me to go to the clubs anymore because she is afraid I am going to do something there...

I tell her if I wanted to do something I would have already done it, I have had plenty of opportunities...I also tell her I did nothing to bring this on and that she is blowing this way out of proportion. She counters with she understands the first girl I couldn't have done anything about, but why did I let the other girls do it? I am basically like whatever...I comfort her a little more, but continue to maintain I did nothing wrong, that I am not apologizing about what happened last night, but that I would apologize for hurting her feelings, and that I never meant to do that.

Not sure what else I could have done here, as she was hysterical in a way I haven't seen since we almost broke up once while dating about 8 years ago. I tried to calm her down as best I could without getting emotionally involved and without admitting guilt. Everything seems back to normal, but I think her trust level is at an all time low right now...

Any advice on how I handled it and what I could have done better? It honestly really caught me off guard and I was already not thinking too clearly to begin with because I was so tired...

 

[shyguy32]

Being married and having a gf I think some diff rules apply. Let's say she went out and you saw a text like that from one of her gf's. I think you broke her trust and have to reassure her and win it back.

I'm sure there will be some "alpha male" **** thrown around, but if you value your marriage and your wife you need to be a man and admit you were stupid, reassure her nothing happened and in the future you won't look at things as "no big deal".

Just my opinion.

 

[Desdinova]

Moved to Married Man...

 

[samspade]

To you it was innocent, playful fun. Put yourself in her shoes, though. You go out with friends to a club. Women are grabbing your ass. Your buddy kids you about it via text. This is all she knows - she wasn't there. She probably is imagining women grinding and grabbing and all kinds of crazy possibilities.

I'm not sure why you'd go out to a club with your friends but not your wife. The whole pretext of clubbing is pickup. Sure some people just go to dance but they are in the minority. I definitely wouldn't want my wife going out to a club without me. But that's neither here nor there.

You handled things decently by staying calm. I would say this is one of those rare times where you owe your wife a serious apology. I know you apologized already, but give her a firm Alpha Apology. Sit her down, look her straight in the eyes, and tell her you didn't betray her, but that you apologize for letting that happen and that it won't happen again. Say that you can understand why she was hurt and then just add "I hope you'll accept my apology." Keep it short and firm.

If she goes on about it, you just say, "I apologized. If you don't accept it, just tell me." This puts the onus on her so you don't have to endure any b.s. It's not a game - you're owning up to a mistake - but you won't beg for forgiveness or "make it up to her" or go on denying.

I call it an Alpha Apology because, even though it is actually a beta behavior, there is an "Alpha" way to do it and a "Beta" way to do it. Sometimes we are in the wrong and have to own up to it. The beta begs for forgiveness; the alpha offers his apology once.

Oh and one more thing - make sure your guy friends know never to text you about things like this. Some conversations between men need to be kept discreet.

 

[5string]

Your wife is right on this one. How would you feel if a bunch of random fvckin chumps started copping feels of your wife's a$$ and boobs and then she just laughed about it in front of you?

Sorry brother, with all respect, you fvcked up.

 

[L B]

Hindsight, but your buddy should know better than texted you about it the next day.

Apologized and make it right for your wife.

Then tell your buddy that things that happen during boys night out, you don't talk about it or leave any paper trail.

 

[marmel75]

Thanks for the advice guys...I guess I see your point.

I pulled her aside in the kitchen today after getting home from work and apologized to her for being an idiot while I was out and that I didn't do it to hurt her feelings or anything like that, I just wasn't really thinking. She was like "I know you wouldn't try and hurt me like that, and I know men just don't think sometimes. You tell those girls next time this @ss is ALL mine..." and then started by grabbing and pinching my butt and kissing me, and ending with us naked in the bedroom...

Maybe we need to fight more often because make up sex is so damn good...

I also texted my buddy and told him thanks for the drama jack@ss...he was like sorry bro...I shoulda known better...its all good, we been through a lot together, I know he would never do something like that on purpose...

 

[speed dawg]

Your wife is right on this one. How would you feel if a bunch of random fvckin chumps started copping feels of your wife's a$$ and boobs and then she just laughed about it in front of you?

Sorry brother, with all respect, you fvcked up.

I agree. You obviously were out with a bunch of guys that were trying to run leg and you allowed it. This isn't rocket science. If my wife did the same thing, I'd be thinking hard about my next move as well.

I'd probably apologize for it, but when you do, don't give her the frame. Don't try to win her back. Just say, "I messed up, won't let it happen again. But I can't fight all these young girls off....." or some upbeat joke or something of that nature. Keep it light. It'll keep her on her toes but still shows respect. That's the mix you're looking for.

And for the love of all that's good, keep a lid on your phone. Why is she looking anyway? Is there something about your relationship that you're not telling her about? Why are you going out with a bunch of dudes and hanging out with single girls anyway? I go out sometimes too, but you can definitely keep yourself out of bad situations.....if you want to.

I sense more back story here.

 

[samspade]

I pulled her aside in the kitchen today after getting home from work and apologized to her for being an idiot while I was out and that I didn't do it to hurt her feelings or anything like that, I just wasn't really thinking. She was like "I know you wouldn't try and hurt me like that, and I know men just don't think sometimes. You tell those girls next time this @ss is ALL mine..." and then started by grabbing and pinching my butt and kissing me, and ending with us naked in the bedroom...

Gotta love it.

 

[betheman]

Your wife is right on this one. How would you feel if a bunch of random fvckin chumps started copping feels of your wife's a$$ and boobs and then she just laughed about it in front of you?

Sorry brother, with all respect, you fvcked up.

he would never find out! you think she has nevr had her a$$ grabbed...and smiled about it?

"yeah they all grabbed it but I told them it was already taken" would have been a good enough ressonse, apologising? why? people grab your ar$e and its your fault? seriously?

 

[PrettyBoyA]

I think you gotta look at it from her point of view. If you heard she was out with her friends and some guys kept grabbing her ass you would probably assume she was acting like a ho, laughing and being flirty while these dudes grabbed her ass.

Things always sound worse than they actually are because how she pictures it in her mind is different to what actually happened.

Sure it might not be your fault that they grabbed your ass, but what she's actually unhappy about is how you responded to the situation.
If dudes were grabbing your wife's ass while she was out, you would've wanted her to tell them to **** off. If you heard she just let them continue to do it while she did nothing, or worse if she was laughing etc then you'd freak out.

I say suck it up, tell her you understand because you wouldn't like the same **** either, and say you'll handle it better next time.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Your wife is right on this one. How would you feel if a bunch of random fvckin chumps started copping feels of your wife's a$$ and boobs and then she just laughed about it in front of you?

Sorry brother, with all respect, you fvcked up.

^^Exactly.

You could have easily told them girls that you were married or you could've just took yourself out the situation altogether.

 

[Colossus]

It seems the issue is resolved here but Samspade had a great take as usual.

I've been in similar situations before, and while you really had no bad intentions whatsoever, it looks REALLY bad to a woman on the other side of things. I've made the mistake of being belligerent about it and refusing to apologize, but what you have to acknowledge is that her feelings are legitimately hurt.

So good call on the 'alpha' apology. Sometimes it is needed.

 

[Sir Psycho Sexy]

I would not be happy if some strange girl grabbed my ass. Creepy hoe

 

[betheman]

Not sure what else I could have done here, as she was hysterical in a way I haven't seen since we almost broke up once while dating about 8 years ago. I tried to calm her down as best I could without getting emotionally involved and without admitting guilt. Everything seems back to normal, but I think her trust level is at an all time low right now...

Any advice on how I handled it and what I could have done better? It honestly really caught me off guard and I was already not thinking too clearly to begin with because I was so tired...

you should have dragged her to the bedroom and f ckcued the living daylights out of her and let her perform for you in ways she hadnt done for a while. you do realsie the hysteria was a manifestion of her value of you dont you? she had extreme competition anxiety. she now knows you can get other attractive women, she has tangible evidence...DO NOT APOLOGISE, dont brag, just play it down