Controlling my frame

[Jaybee750]

Hi all. So first post, unfortunately not in the circumstances I’d like, eg rushed but I’m more in the reading, research and absorption stage before throwing my situation out there.

however without creating a novel would appreciate thoughts on a conversation I’m in with a woman I’ve been seeing for 6 months.
After this I’m now trying to work out the best approach in holding my frame. Eg I’ll see you against the priorities in my life. Whilst she acknowledges my kids, if there’s other situations that transpire that I deem important to me then they take Precedent.
Want to respond in a constructive way not a inflammatory way.
Thanks

 

[samspade]

Hi all. So first post, unfortunately not in the circumstances I’d like, eg rushed but I’m more in the reading, research and absorption stage before throwing my situation out there.

however without creating a novel would appreciate thoughts on a conversation I’m in with a woman I’ve been seeing for 6 months.
After this I’m now trying to work out the best approach in holding my frame. Eg I’ll see you against the priorities in my life. Whilst she acknowledges my kids, if there’s other situations that transpire that I deem important to me then they take Precedent.
Want to respond in a constructive way not a inflammatory way.
Thanks

I can only see the one screen grab, so it's not much of a conversation. But here's what I can tell you. By asking her, you walked into her frame. It happens and it's not permanent, so don't worry. You and you alone get to decide what's a priority in your life. She'll decide what's best for her. Simple as that. As for how to respond, I don't think any response is necessary. Honestly a thumb's up emoji is probably the most I'd do, and move on.

 

[bmp2cpm]

Not having much context, I would respond “I determine what the dealbreakers are. If you cannot respect my time, then that’s a dealbreaker.”

Honestly though…your concern for what are the wrong reasons make you look weak and less desirable to her.

You simply care too much.

She wants someone like her father. Do you think her father cared as much as you care right now?

When she was 5 and wanted to play with her father on a Monday morning, what do you think her father did?

Her father went to work and did not care he disappointed his daughter. He had stuff to do!

 

[DonJuanjr]

Now he knows where he fvcked up. How can one salvage this situation? "Ok, got it. Now missy let's go over my deal breakers."

 

[Jaybee750]

Thanks for the responses. Apologies attached is the conversation.. it was to do with my son staying with me and I cannot catch up with her on Thursday night.

 

[Jaybee750]

Now he knows where he fvcked up. How can one salvage this situation? "Ok, got it. Now missy let's go over my deal breakers."

Thanks. Yes very much in the learning stage!! And agree with your sentiments

 

[Stuffnu]

Welcome to the club.
3 times she said “seeing your son is for the right reason and was comfortable with that. Say What?
I question her stability or pretense to controlling behavior, so tread carefully.
Don’t bother with a response..You already indicated what you‘re doing and don’t feed the pettiness.
Reach out to her on the weekend if YOU want to.

 

[Jaybee750]

Welcome to the club.
3 times she said “seeing your son is for the right reason and was comfortable with that. Say What?
I question her stability or pretense to controlling behavior, so tread carefully.
Don’t bother with a response..You already indicated what you‘re doing and don’t feed the pettiness.
Reach out to her on the weekend if YOU want to.

Yes it’s the controlling masculine statement that raised the flag for me.

 

[KirthWGersen]

She sees herself as the only important one in this relationship.

Her apparently being cool with you spending time with your son is simply a concession (she doesn't want to look bad).

She is basically saying she owns you, and your time, but will let you do certain things you have to do.

There is no way talking about this will solve anything.

Simply do what you want to do and live your live the way you deem best. She will either go along with your terms or, more likely, move on as she has a dominant personality and wants a submissive man.

 

[samspade]

She sees herself as the only important one in this relationship.

Her apparently being cool with you spending time with your son is simply a concession (she doesn't want to look bad).

She is basically saying she owns you, and your time, but will let you do certain things you have to do.

There is no way talking about this will solve anything.

Simply do what you want to do and live your live the way you deem best. She will either go along with your terms or, more likely, move on as she has a dominant personality and wants a submissive man.

Agree with this in light of the extra screen shots. She sounds like a judge saying "okay, I'll allow it." She did couch it with "I'll miss you," but the fact that she thinks her blessing is necessary is a little galling. The fact is, your kid comes first and she'll have to live with it whether it's comfortable or not. But it's not worth bringing up again.

 

[jimwho]

This is why I shy away from text messaging girls. My friends and I rag on each other a lot, lots of laughs. But texting a textaholic is a gamble. Women imo tend to Bogart my syllables and go over it again and again in their mind and misconstrue a meaning. Not always but enough times for me to shy away from text convo.
I think a phone call keeps things in context.

 

[Konada]

I would suggest to leave the conversation as it is. But keep in mind you will have to screen this woman even more.

What she is telling you is that she will not respect your boundaries if they do not fall into the realm of what she thinks is "right", no discussion.

I would be more vigilant if you are considering her for a long term relationship.

Of course, you can nuke her frame out of orbit with this "I'm a little bit concerned about what are the right reasons, can we talk about this in person?"

 

[2Rocky]

do not entertain her and what her opinions may be over text.

You are telling her you aren't available for the next few days. End of Story. Do not engage her on what the right reasons are. She is giving you the benefit of her blessing when you haven't asked for it.

Leave her on read until you want to see her and re-engage her in regard to tangible meetup times and places.

Do not try to interpret emotions of a woman over text. it will just scramble your mind.

 

[Kotaix]

She sounds well adjusted and her expectations are realistic. I don't see any kind of frame challenge here and I think you're reading into it too much.

Never seek approval. If you are doing your best, then that is the way it needs to be.