controlling my emotions

[frivolousz21]

Its been 8 days since I have seen my son...

I can't see him until the 29th of November..maybe even a few days after that.

right now I cant sleep well, I'm going threw a range of emotions from happiness when I'm out with my friends doing something...to down right breaking into tears when I cant get my son out of my head.

the main thing that is bothering me is the anger and hate I am growing for my X and her family. A few times a day I go threw moments where I really really hate her for doing this to a good father...its sickening, literally any emotion I would of had left for her was destroyed from this.

I have to go in there and work out a deal with her about my son....I now know why so many older men say "I hate my X wife". I have to be able to let this go...but man its going to be hard..there is nothing I did in the LTR that deserved to be stripped from my son like this who I saw everyday for 16 months. This really puts a lot of things in perspective.

I just dont want this hate to consume me to the point I let it damage my relationship with her or say and do things I wouldnt.

6 more days....im not religious so I cant pray..maybe I can meditate.

any suggestions?

 

[KontrollerX]

Have you had any court battles over custody?

Does your ex drink, smoke or engage in any risky behaviour that would put custody in your favor?

Anyway though yeah definitely meditate.

Its always helped to clear my mind of troubles.

 

[frivolousz21]

no..she is a good mom..I want her to have full physical custody and half legal..I just want visitation rights..the weekends and 1 night a week. My father who was pile of crap druggy and abusive got visitation..Im sure it wont be an issue.

anyways the hard thing is she wont let me see him..and give the Holiday the system would be to slow for me to do something.

So I have to wait...everyday gets harder and harder...im becoming bitter about it...I need to let it go until that day comes..I know its possible to let it go...doesnt mean I dont love my son..I just cant take the stress anymore..and im not going get drunk to mediate it.

 

[KontrollerX]

Change the frame my friend.

View letting this stress go as being strong for your son.

And she won't let you see him in general or this whole not letting you see him business has revolved around the holidays? Whats going on there??

 

[frivolousz21]

she wont let me see him until the court sets it up.

I dont know why...but thats how it is....I will see him within 7-10 days from now guarenteed.

 

[joekerr31]

the first thing you need to do is recognize that your anger in this situation stems from letting yourself get into this bind to start with.

it may be of no use now, but at the time I (and others) warned you about what you were doing. i take no satisfaction in being right, it just kills me when i see guys getting themselves into jams like this.

so don't hate her for what she is doing (even if its wrong). that's like knowing a chic has an std, sleeping with her, and then getting upset that you now have an std.

you got yourself in this bind. take 100% responsibility for it. this is what we call 'maturing'.

once you do this, a lot of the emotion you are feeling will subside (at least the anger will).

you HAVE to let go of any anger you have towards her or her family - it's what is in the best interest of your son. because like it or not, you are stuck with these people until the day you die. moreover, never let your son see any animosity you might hold towards his mother - remember, in your son's mind (as he grows up) he sees himself as 50% you and 50% her. so when you trash her, in essence you are trashing part of him.

now, once you do that you've got to focus on being happy again. you have to rebuild your life. you need to focus on positive activities - education, career, physical fitness, etc.

because the happier you are with your life, the better dad you are going to be.

now, your kid is still a baby, so theres not much you can do other than enjoy the time you have with him. but when he gets older and is able to talk you'll be able to give him a cell phone or something so that he can call you whenever he wants. while you may not be allowed to physically be there, you can always have an open line of communication so that he/she knows you are there for him. i, like you, had a horrible dad (in fact, i doubt there are many guys out there who had a worse father than i had) - and what i've learned is that the thing that is MOST important about being a father is being there to help your kids out when they don't know what to do. so even if you aren't physically there all the time, you will still be able to be their mentor and guide them through life.

anyway, its a tough situation, but you have to accept that nothing you do is going to FIX this situation. it is what it is. im serious, NOTHING you do will fix this. all you can do now is try to MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

as for your crying and stuff. to be honest, you've always seemed like a somewhat emotional guy. you're either going on about how life is magical and women are magical etc. or you're down in the dumps.

i strongly suggest you either see a doctor and get yourself on some anti depressants OR you start exercising (which will stabilize your mood).

the worst thing you can do, which is what everyoen who is emotionally distraut does, is sit there rehaashing a situation over and over and over in your mind - as though there is some fix/solution that if you look hard enough for you will find.

there is none.

perhaps one of the better definitions of 'maturity' is the ability to see a situation / life for what it is, acknowledge the limitations associated with it, and instead of wishing it were something else, focusing your energy on making the best of it. i dont think i come to realize this until i hit 30 (man i wish i had learned this when i was 20!). see my thread 'fantasy versus reality' that i posted recently, its on this topic.

if you allow yourself to simply wallow in your emotions, or to allow your emotions to control you, instead of taking ACTIONS to make the situation as best as it can be, then you might as well go out and buy a pack of tampons and bra, cuz you'll be no different than most women.

 

[KontrollerX]

"i strongly suggest you either see a doctor and get yourself on some anti depressants OR you start exercising (which will stabilize your mood)."

Very true about the exercise part.

Believe I read it reduces cortisol levels and cortisol is a chemical that produces stress in us.

 

[joekerr31]

Very true about the exercise part.

Believe I read it reduces cortisol levels and cortisol is a chemical that produces stress in us.

i have a crazy theory that 99% of the people in the world are depressed. almost every chic i've been with, when you get to really know them, you uncover a psyche filled with insecurity, doubt, unsatisfied with life, etc.

this is also why i think people are sooooooo obsessed with relationships - they crave that positive reinforcement from the opposite sex. it gives them a 'high'.

now, when i say depressed i dont mean they may not be stuck in bed crying, but what i mean is that they aren't happy. they wish their life was better. they are discontent if you will.

but, a lot of that has to do with shovelling crap food into our bodies, not exercising, dealing with toxic people in our lives, and filling our minds with utter crap (ie. television!).

eat right, exercise, surrounding yourself with positive people and spend at least 15 minutes a day meditating and most people suddenly start to feel GREAT about life.

to be honest, most of the reason i come on sosuave is to have 'positive' conversations with other men - i find it to be a positive contributor to maintaining a positive mood in my every day life.

 

[KontrollerX]

Sorry joekerr didn't mean to discredit the other part of your post.

Bad phrasing on my part.

I picked out the exercise thing because it helped me many times when my mind was near breaking point from stress levels.

I agree depression is a huge thing in the world.

Hard to say if it was always like this but probably though.

Its like no matter what humans haven't been able to get rid of it as back hundreds of years ago people had to struggle to survive and probably got depressed about that daily grind.

Now the daily grind with all of our modern comforts is combating boredom which in itself becomes a new avenue for depression to grow.

Heh, the battle against depression is a never ending one.

 

[joekerr31]

naw, i didnt think anything was wrong with your post i thought it was a good follow up.

and ya, depression is HUGE. its what ruins marriages, relationships, careers, health, etc.

and i do think it comes down to four things...

1) physical fitness (or lack thereof)
2) poor mental attitude towards life
3) poor diet
4) surrounding yourself with people who have a negative attitude.
5) a messed up past (although this doesn't apply to everyone)

anyone of those variables will drag you down.

i think depression was much rarer in the past, even though life was soooo much harder, mostly because none of those variables were very prevelant.

people were fit because life was simply harder. there were no microwaves, cars were rare, etc.

they didn't have a poor mental attitude because they were always grateful for what they had - they weren't watching television shows that brainwashed them to think that life is some fantasy.

their diet was good because there was no processed food and fast food. sure, sometimes their balanced was unbalanced (ie. eating lots of potatoes during depressions or what not), but it was still better than eating food that is not even food (its just sugar!).

and lastly, everyone was pretty much in the same boat and community meant a lot. so people were surrounded by folks who were going through the same things they were and who relied on each other.

life was harder in the past, but people had a simplier view on life. they appreciated everything they had instead of spending all their time worrying about what they didn't have (ie. cars, women, etc.)

i mean, do people even build real relationships anymore? everyone seems so focused on looks that genuine MATURE human connections are very rare.

 

[MacAvoy]

Friv,

You have to look at the bigger picture, I didn't read all of Jokers or Kontrollers post but I've been in your shoes.

You have your whole life ahead of you. There's going to be times where you go on business trips or something and you don't see your son for a couple of weeks, this is no different.

Its not a huge deal, you will see your son again, at least your getting it set up properly so it will never be an issue. Also be happy that your Ex is a good mother. You've got a lot of good things going for you, alot of people have psychos to deal with.

She's just protecting herself so you don't try to snatch him on her, I can understand where she is coming from. You'll see him soon enough, there will be no harm from not seeing your son for a week. Just think how happy he'll be to see you in a week.

You've got to have the right mindset. That is a key to success in life, don't dwell on the negative. Don't worry about something that you can't change and is going to resolve itself soon enough anyway.

Enjoy the time off and take the time to get your mindset back and focus on improving yourself. Clearing your head and taking care of yourself will go along way in helping raise your son in the long run.

Don't sell your fishing nets for a quick piece of fish, don't bother bugging her trying to stir the nest. Be nice and civil to her through this entire process, take the high road, your son will be grateful down the road. Kids are smart and realize what went on when they are old enough.

You'll also have her confunsed by being nice. Accept the fact that you don't belong together and make the most of life, you've got a good ex, a great kid and a golden future.

 

[frivolousz21]

great stuff from everyone..thanks I needed to read this today.

 

[joekerr31]

oh and friv, vis a vis your post in the health forum, do NOT start dumping a bunch of herbs and medicines into your body to surpress your appetite and help you sleep (unless you really know what you are doing).

wtf are you thinking dude? you're going to end up messing up your neurochemistry even worse and end up REALLY depressed. there is no quick fix to healthy living - you have to actually live healthily.

the last thing you should be doing right now is tossing in foreign substances into your already messed up neurochemical soup.

eat right. exercise. meditate. work on thinking positively about life.

your weight will go down and youll sleep like a baby.

 

[penkitten]

friv, i just read this thread, and i wanted to tell you that i am sorry for what you are going through.
the first thing that i really noticed is that you said she is waiting for a court date to set up everything. this tells me that she is afraid. when you have a child, both parents that are on the birth certificate have equal rights. so if you went to pick up your child, and did not bring him back, the police would tell her she would have to go to court to get him back. she is protecting herself by making you wait until the court date. it may not be the right thing, but fear leads people to do strange things.

speaking of this court date, i saw where you wrote that you wanted her to have full physical custody and half legal. i think you meant something a little different. you should be sharing physical. talk to your attorney. don't settle for what is offered , ask for the stars and settle on the moon. it is easy for dads to get 50-50 joint custody these days. it is also easy for one to get primary and the other to get visitation that consists of weekends, one dinner night a week and holidays.
i insist that you at least talk to an attorney about your rights.

 

[frivolousz21]

friv, i just read this thread, and i wanted to tell you that i am sorry for what you are going through.
the first thing that i really noticed is that you said she is waiting for a court date to set up everything. this tells me that she is afraid. when you have a child, both parents that are on the birth certificate have equal rights. so if you went to pick up your child, and did not bring him back, the police would tell her she would have to go to court to get him back. she is protecting herself by making you wait until the court date. it may not be the right thing, but fear leads people to do strange things.

speaking of this court date, i saw where you wrote that you wanted her to have full physical custody and half legal. i think you meant something a little different. you should be sharing physical. talk to your attorney. don't settle for what is offered , ask for the stars and settle on the moon. it is easy for dads to get 50-50 joint custody these days. it is also easy for one to get primary and the other to get visitation that consists of weekends, one dinner night a week and holidays.
i insist that you at least talk to an attorney about your rights.

would 50/50 mean I have him half the time?

if not then sure....but I dont want to have him one week and her one week...I think it would better for him to live with her. Not saying I cant handle it...I just can see how important at this point she is for comfert for him.

 

[penkitten]

would 50/50 mean I have him half the time?

if not then sure....but I dont want to have him one week and her one week...I think it would better for him to live with her. Not saying I cant handle it...I just can see how important at this point she is for comfert for him.

but you dont have to half the time like that. some people do it this way:
mom has custody through the school year, while dad has 3 weekends a month and every wednesday night for dinner. in the summer, dad has custody and mom has 3 weekends a month and every wednesday night for dinner.
dad is allowed one week vacation during moms time. mom is allowed one week vacation during dads time. vacation time must be asked for ahead of time.
all holidays are every other. if you get christmas, she gets easter, you get fourth of july, she gets halloween, you get thanksgiving, etc then the next year you alternate the schedule so that you have him on the holidays she did last year and she has him on the ones you had last year.

this is what many people are going to.

i hope that one day, you can both swallow your differences and work together more like a team. where each of you can call the other and say i must work such and such day, would you like to have him that day until i get off work? wouldn't that be great?

 

[joekerr31]

would 50/50 mean I have him half the time?

if not then sure....but I dont want to have him one week and her one week...I think it would better for him to live with her. Not saying I cant handle it...I just can see how important at this point she is for comfert for him.

the kid should be with the mom given its a new born. it needs to breast feed and stuff.

plus, why would you want full time constudy right now - basically its just 24/7 of changing diapers, wiping its *ss and waking up at all hours cuz its crying.

i know babies are cute and all, but they DRAIN you of all your energy the first two years.

 

[frivolousz21]

but you dont have to half the time like that. some people do it this way:
mom has custody through the school year, while dad has 3 weekends a month and every wednesday night for dinner. in the summer, dad has custody and mom has 3 weekends a month and every wednesday night for dinner.
dad is allowed one week vacation during moms time. mom is allowed one week vacation during dads time. vacation time must be asked for ahead of time.
all holidays are every other. if you get christmas, she gets easter, you get fourth of july, she gets halloween, you get thanksgiving, etc then the next year you alternate the schedule so that you have him on the holidays she did last year and she has him on the ones you had last year.

this is what many people are going to.

i hope that one day, you can both swallow your differences and work together more like a team. where each of you can call the other and say i must work such and such day, would you like to have him that day until i get off work? wouldn't that be great?

I hope its like that in the future..but he is 16 months old.

my impact in his life will grow as he gets older..I think right now he needs to spend more time with his mother

 

[MacAvoy]

I respect that you realize that if she's a good mother, a child needs to spend the first 7 years of his life with his mother. Don't let anyone tell you different, a bond between a mother and child is special, that being said, I've got a closer bond with my daughter than her mother does.

Your on the right track, he's probably close to his mom even though he loves his dad, always be there for him and never trash talk his mom.

 

[joekerr31]

I respect that you realize that if she's a good mother, a child needs to spend the first 7 years of his life with his mother. Don't let anyone tell you different, a bond between a mother and child is special, that being said, I've got a closer bond with my daughter than her mother does.

Your on the right track, he's probably close to his mom even though he loves his dad, always be there for him and never trash talk his mom.

a woman loves a child.

a man raises a child into an adult.