Conflict with our families

[saige]

Hey everyone, I'd really appreciate advice on this topic.
I’m a 21-year-old woman and my 2-year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. He's also 21 and a senior in college while I'm a junior. (though he's contemplating taking a 5th year to stay with me for longer before we move for grad school/career). Wonderful, mature, respectful, etc, no complaints, we've always gotten along great and if anything our relationship has just gotten stronger over the years.

So here’s the situation, my parents and my boyfriend have very very opposing viewpoints politically. Not to get into the details, but it’s pretty extreme. He’s joked (half-seriously) that he doesn’t even know if he’d want my parents around our future kids someday. My traditional-minded parents also strongly dislike him for his political viewpoints, and have told me multiple times to break up with him already.

I honestly don't think his mom seems to like me very much either, and I've asked him about it. He told me she’s just extremely protective because he’s her only child, and his dad died of cancer when he was little, so she’s always been...I guess overbearing is the term. She has nearly impossible standards for any woman he dates (his words). I've tried my best to get her to like me, but to no avail so far. I'll give an example. Last year, my boyfriend and I evacuated to his house for a hurricane. My roomates drove us there, and promised to pick us up to go back to college, but blew us off last minute. I paid $135 for his bus ticket back and my boyfriend said his mom was furious with me because "she thought I promised us a ride back." Even though it was out of my control that my roomates decided to stay an extra week at their evacuation area and not drive us back like they said they would.

We’ve both agreed we don’t want our parents involved in our relationship, which works fine for now. But looking ahead and considering marriage, kids, holidays, I can’t help but wonder how realistic it is to keep the peace.

So I guess my question is, have any of you dealt with this kind of situation before? Where you've dated someone and the relationship was really solid, but there was a conflict with family members? At this point, I'm not sure how that kind of conflict has the potential to affect our relationship long-term.

Appreciate any honest input.

 

[sevbucmash]

looking ahead and considering marriage, kids, holidays

Kids are reflection of their parents, and this situation is an omen of things to come next. Start partying and you'll find another boyfriend.

 

[BaronOfHair]

We’ve both agreed we don’t want our parents involved in our relationship, which works fine for now. But looking ahead and considering marriage, kids, holidays, I can’t help but wonder how realistic it is to keep the peace.

"Keeping the peace" is a pipe dream. All that's humanly possible:

-Being highly selective about what one goes to war over

-Becoming adept at rebuilding, once the ceasefire has been called, the(metaphorical) bullets have taken a break from flying, and the(proverbial) bombs are similarly on hiatus from detonating

-Recognize that this never really ends*, anymore than murder, armed robbery, and gang rape ever vanishes off of the landscape entirely... In fact, intrafamily warfare is no less natural than breathing and defecating are



*If you and this fella do marry and produce offspring, chances are high that one or all of your kids will, at some point at least, develop beliefs very different from your own

 

[Clockwerk50]

It sounds like your boyfriend might be the problem here. Based on the information you provided, I get the impression that he's the one with the more rigid political ideology. Your parents, while traditional, have told you to break up with him, which suggests that he's possibly the more extreme one in this situation. His comment about not wanting your parents around your future kids is especially concerning, as it shows a clear unwillingness to find common ground or show basic respect toward your family.

Also, the way he’s still so attached to his mom is a red flag. I had a family friend who dated a guy in a similar situation: he was an only child, very close to his mother, and in his late 20s working at Best Buy. When his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum to move forward in the relationship, I tried helping him get a “real grown-up” job at my company. He kept failing the drug and alcohol tests on purpose, eventually told me he wasn’t interested in the job, broke up with the girl, stayed at Best Buy, and kept living with his mom and grandmother. Case in point is that some people stay emotionally tied to their family in a way that prevents them from building a stable, independent life with a partner.

Again, from what you’ve shared, and I could be wrong, it sounds like your side of the family is more willing to compromise than his.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

So here’s the situation, my parents and my boyfriend have very very opposing viewpoints politically. Not to get into the details, but it’s pretty extreme. He’s joked (half-seriously) that he doesn’t even know if he’d want my parents around our future kids someday. My traditional-minded parents also strongly dislike him for his political viewpoints, and have told me multiple times to break up with him already.

Is mamma´s boy a libreal Wokie? Im with your parents on this one.

Hey everyone, I'd really appreciate advice on this topic.
I’m a 21-year-old woman and my 2-year anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up. He's also 21 and a senior in college while I'm a junior. (though he's contemplating taking a 5th year to stay with me for longer before we move for grad school/career).

Next time date someone at least five years older. And someone who´s his own man, not a mamma´s boy.

(though he's contemplating taking a 5th year to stay with me for longer before we move for grad school/career).

Mamma´s boy shouldnt make a major desicion like that at 21 for you. He will possibly and probably resent you for it eventually.

I paid $135 for his bus ticket back and my boyfriend said his mom was furious with me because "she thought I promised us a ride back." Even though it was out of my control that my roomates decided to stay an extra week at their evacuation area and not drive us back like they said they would.

Why are you paying for mamma´s boy´s ticket? Sounds like possible reversed gender dynamics. The problem with reversed gender dynamics is that probably one of you is gonna get tired of it, eventually

So I guess my question is, have any of you dealt with this kind of situation before? Where you've dated someone and the relationship was really solid, but there was a conflict with family members? At this point, I'm not sure how that kind of conflict has the potential to affect our relationship long-term.

Boundaries, you need boundaries. Hey Im sorry if anything I said sounded harsh, you know its just though love. Hope any of this helps. Im sure @BeExcellent can help you more.
.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Firstly you are asking the correct questions because you are looking at potential life partner topics here. I will give you some advice based on wisdom in my own family combined with my own life experience. My first husband by the way, lost his father at age 12 due to an unexpected accident. His mother failed to raise him properly after the father died, despite her character and good intentions. More on that later.

Marriage is not for sissies my dear. It is a serious level of commitment that right now you only have an idea about. The ideology is not reality, but generally very very few people who are never or not yet married can grasp this. Similar to childless people thinking they understand parenting; they don't. Period.

You marry not only the partner, you also marry the family. There is no escaping that fact. Every holiday, vacation, birth, birthday, graduation, etc etc etc you will interact with The Family. Yours and his become intertwined. And if you have children? That's a tie to him and his family forever, for the rest of your life, even if you break up or divorce.

Burying conflict to "keep the peace" is a terrible idea. It means that one of you is swallowing important issues that should be discussed. It is guaranteed to erode self respect and create resenment over time. Differences must be openly discussed. While you are wise to let petty things go (if really they are in fact petty things) you must have discussions about other more important things and arrive at mutual decisions you can both get behind. Then you support one another as a united front on those mutual decisions.

Let me illustrate:

My first relationship after my divorce was with a man with vastly different political views than my own. He was also Jewish, which differered from my protestant upbringing. We each had 3 children and were raising those children with congruence to our individual values. We were dating when Hillary Clinton was running against Trump leading up to the 2016 election. He was/is a Jewish liberal and works in the very liberal Hollywood media industry. He was smart, handsome, charming and successful; mature. Chemistry between us was ridiculous.

He was NOT an ideologue over his politics.

We could sit and chat for hours about our political viewpoints, why we held a particular viewpoint, discuss and debate it in an intellectual way, and arrive at deeper understanding of one another despite our political polarity. His ideology was not his religion. My ideology was not my religion either. So we could discuss, debate, joke, and behave in a respectful way despite our different beliefs. We also were not married or raising shared children so those issues did not matter. We had deep respect and admiration for one another; love. But situations did not align for us to marry. So we parted ways as better humans for having interacted. We are both remarried now and both doing well.....

Your boyfriend is not demonstrating similar respect toward you my dear. He isn't. Your boyfriend is looking for you to "mother" him as he leaves momma's fold. And his actual mother will resent you since they are overly attached and mothering is her job. That conflict will not resolve itself and can only ease if he puts his foot down and honors you ahead of his mother.

That's the whole "leave your mother and father and cleave with your wife" thing from a biblical stance.

I do not see in him right now the maturity to do that. He is still on his mother's figurative umbilical cord.

His father dying is not his problem. He was a child.
He is not responsible for his mother's emotional wellbeing or support either. He was a child.

But she has raised him emotionally in a way as a support animal to ease her pain of loss. She has indoctrinated him into the Kool-Aid of her political beliefs, her religion of polital view. And he feels obligated to her. Sound familiar? Is that accurate at all? Why would he stay around college and not go get launched into life after graduation? A mature man would start his career and begin building a foundation for your future while you wrap up your education. Why isn't he indicating willingness to do that?

Is he making any effort to differentiate himself from her views?

Does he support your opinion over his mother?

Give this some thought and respond to those questions so I can better advise.

 

[BeExcellent]

While you consider the above....

It is your responsibility to respect yourself.

It is your resonsibility to be your own best friend.

It is your responsibility to love yourself.

You care WAY too much about whether his mother likes you. That's your job. You need to care about whether he and his mother RESPECT you.

I don't think they do, and your parents are wise enough to see you sacrificing respect on the altar of likeability. That is what is behind their concern for you.

At least that's where I'd place my bet based on the limited imformation provided.

My son is 23. He's married, has a wife & career and a child. I consider his wife as my friend and as another daughter. I respect her as a woman, a wife, and a mother. I support the marriage and if asked, I guide them individually in way that supports them individually and as a married couple.

Her family does not do that. So she has distanced herself from them and built the bond more deeply with her husband. My son protects his wife and child from toxic people, even blood relatives. They are a united front. Are y'all?

Would your boyfriend's mother support you in a positive, kind and loving way?

I do not get that impression.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

You in Asheville NC, OP?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

IMO strongly political people are whack jobs.

It also shows you how conflict resolution will go once you are married. If you don't agree with him then you are the enemy.

Probably not a wise way to look at the world nor good for any sort of lengthy relationship past a certain point.

 

[The Duke]

If your friends and family can be fair and give unbiased advice then you should take it to heart.

Your boyfriend joking about his kids not being around your parents is a big red sign. He has basically said he can't see value in someone like a grandparent if they don't think like him. In reality most grand parents have a lot of value and are great for kids.

 

[saige]

@BeExcellent
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and honest reply!
I really appreciate the wisdom/advice you've shared, and it's given me some stuff to reflect about.

To give a clearer picture, my boyfriend is also Jewish! And very liberal. He definitely has some very strong opinions about our current president and the administration and the direction of our country. His mom is the same, she’s an elementary school teacher, and very opinionated.
He was originally committed to becoming a lawyer, but after a few rough semesters he decided to pivot toward something in finance. That's why he's taking a fifth year. He’s really smart with numbers and money, so it makes sense IMO that he'd pursue that sort of career. I do think he’s trying to find his footing and direction again, after losing a bit of his drive last year. I'm on track to become either a nurse practitioner or a physical therapist. Lot of doctors in my family, so it just natural for me to pursue something in the medical field too.

As for your question about being a united front, for the most part he does back me up but there was one major incident that still stood out about a year ago. My grandfather passed away in 2024, and our family had to fly up to Chicago for the funeral. We had plans that week, and my boyfriend accused me of lying about my grandfather’s death to not hang out with him. It was completely out of character for him! I asked him about it, and he admitted that his mom was the one who planted the idea in her head. She was one who suspected I made up the story to "blow off" her son.

That said, I don’t want to paint an unfair picture of him, because he has a lot of good qualities, too. We both go to a pretty party-oriented college but neither of us are big into drinking, going out, smoking, etc. We share the same values and genuinely have fun together especially with our weekly movie nights.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t see both pros and cons when I think long-term. There are a lot of positives, and like I said he's super thoughtful, supportive, and since beginning antidepressants this summer he's become so much more emotionally balanced and loving. I'd say he's honestly the best version of himself now and I'm proud of him. He even admitted to me that before medication and treatment he could be an a-hole. He used to mock me sometimes for being productive and exercising every morning at 6 am. But now, it's a totally different story, he actively encourages those things, and I feel like in a way almost saved the relationship. It was on the verge of collapse because I didn't know how much of that I could tolerate anymore. So that change he made gave me hope we could continue to grow.

I'm really into fitness and while he's totally changed his tune and supports me now, he doesn't really work out himself. I've tried to get him to join the running club with him, but he wasn't interested. It's not really a dealbreaker but your comment got me thinking about imagining the future, with kids and staying healthy, if those sorts of lifestyle differences would add up and cause stress.

So, at this time in my life, I’m really in this place of weighing everything right now. If I should continue with this serious relationship because of our shared morals and the emotional connection we've built up over the years (which I really value) VS the family complications or lifestyle differences or the power his mom still seems to hold over us. I love him, truly, I've seen how far he's come. But at this age I also understand that sometimes that's not enough to sustain a relationship long-term and I'm coming to terms with that.

Thank you again for your insight, I really appreciate it!!

@BillyPilgrim We both go to Florida State University. Tallahasee, not Durham lol. I definitely plan on moving up north to a bigger city after graduation though.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

OP I am probably brushing up against forum rules here, but given the disclosure about his background in your above post, he's going to get increasingly neurotic as time goes by.

 

[sevbucmash]

it’s pretty extreme. He’s joked (half-seriously) that he doesn’t even know if he’d want my parents around our future kids someday. My traditional-minded parents also strongly dislike him for his political viewpoints

Let's focus on political issues here. A) Genociding Palestinian people is evil. Palestinian people are defending their home land, which people like you stole from them. Stealing their future.
B) Woke liberal garbage LGBTQ+ trash democrat agenda is extremists and destructive.
C) Unquestioning support of Israel is also destructive, there has to be a line.

Now that we have the baseline of what is right and what is wrong established -- if your boyfriend's parents support genocide of Palestinian people, and/or support woke liberal agenda, and/or support sending money to Israel, you should stay far away from them.

If, on the other hand, your boyfriend's parents acknowledge that Israel stole Palestinian lands and Palestinian people have a right to live in peace, and/or they do not support woke liberal agenda, and/or they do not support blind support of Israel, then you are in the wrong, and you should consider changing your views.


I'm in Miami, and we have Jewish communities here all over, as you know. Bal Harbor, North Miami Beach. You drive through their neighborhoods and police are guarding them. Literally squad cars, and big home on wheels, command centers parked on the side of the road. Everybody hate the jews, and jews hate everybody. That's the way it is. This is especially true for secular jews. Why they are here, is beyond me. But, situation is bad.

My point is, by destroying United States even more through woke agenda and blind support of Israel, there can only be more hatred towards the Jewish race. That's the bottom line.

United States have experimented with Jewish lobby and support for Israel, because she had problem with racism. It brought it almost to her knees, as you can see by just looking around. Children in schools are being taught gay/lesbian propaganda. It's horrible. There is a severe backlash in progress.

Anyway.

Stay off politics, focus on making money and having fun. My advice still stays, find a new boyfriend.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Let's focus on political issues here. A) Genociding Palestinian people is evil. Palestinian people are defending their home land, which people like you stole from them. Stealing their future.
B) Woke liberal garbage LGBTQ+ trash democrat agenda is extremists and destructive.
C) Unquestioning support of Israel is also destructive, there has to be a line.

Now that we have the baseline of what is right and what is wrong established -- if your boyfriend's parents support genocide of Palestinian people, and/or support woke liberal agenda, and/or support sending money to Israel, you should stay far away from them.

If, on the other hand, your boyfriend's parents acknowledge that Israel stole Palestinian lands and Palestinian people have a right to live in peace, and/or they do not support woke liberal agenda, and/or they do not support blind support of Israel, then you are in the wrong, and you should consider changing your views.


I'm in Miami, and we have Jewish communities here all over, as you know. Bal Harbor, North Miami Beach. You drive through their neighborhoods and police are guarding them. Literally squad cars, and big home on wheels, command centers parked on the side of the road. Everybody hate the jews, and jews hate everybody. That's the way it is. This is especially true for secular jews. Why they are here, is beyond me. But, situation is bad.

My point is, by destroying United States even more through woke agenda and blind support of Israel, there can only be more hatred towards the Jewish race. That's the bottom line.

United States have experimented with Jewish lobby and support for Israel, because she had problem with racism. It brought it almost to her knees, as you can see by just looking around. Children in schools are being taught gay/lesbian propaganda. It's horrible. There is a severe backlash in progress.

Anyway.

Stay off politics, focus on making money and having fun. My advice still stays, find a new boyfriend.

Expanding upon this, the backlash will end up being front and center of his mind and ultimately your relationship with him.

 

[plumber]

Saige, the following is just opinion. verify before you accept it.

The antidepressants are used to attempt to offset a chemical imbalance. It often leads a man away from being masculine. Masculine (in a good way) is needed for long term happiness of both of you.

Its difficult to get away from them in some cases. Don't know the specific type in your case. Some of them adjust brain chemicals like serotonin.

Best case for him would likely be to get into a gym and start into a focused fitness plan exactly like you suggested. But he has to want it.

Objectively, he has lots of work to do to be the man you likely want.