Concerning situation with my girlfriend

[lp12468]

No you're right. And I told her to get therapy, but now she wanted to get my thoughts on going to a psychologist that specializes in narcissistic abuse. I told her to look for therapists that support DBT because I believe she has BPD. I think she's looking for a self fulfilling prophecy and basically to label me as the bad person. I guess I'm not surprised from a woman like this. Again these are the things girls with daddy issues do.

 

[Clockwerk50]

OP, I’m not sure if you’re looking for advice, introspection, support, or empathy. However:

1. One thing to consider is whether you are allowing emotional attachment and attraction to influence how you evaluate the situation. It is easy to focus heavily on someone’s positive qualities and start rationalizing behaviors that concern you. Someone can be affectionate, supportive, successful, good with kids, or appear traditional, but those qualities do not automatically cancel out other behaviours that create doubt and discomfort in you. The important thing is to look at the entire pattern objectively instead of only focusing on the qualities that make you want the relationship to work.

2. Women are the gatekeepers of sex, and men are the gatekeepers of relationships. Just as a woman can decide she does not want to have sex because of certain things she notices or dislikes, a man has the right to decide whether a woman meets the standards required for a committed relationship. A relationship requires time, effort, and exclusivity, which means there is an opportunity cost. By committing to someone, you are giving up other options, as well as your own time, effort, and potential opportunities that could have been invested elsewhere or someone else. If there are things that consistently bother you or go against your values, you are justified in walking away. If you choose to stay despite those concerns, then you are also choosing to accept the costs and consequences of that decision.

Again, I’m not sure what you’re looking for here, but this isn’t to say you definitely should or shouldn’t be in a relationship with her, nor does it say that temporarily leaving or putting her on a “time out” guarantee that the behaviours bothering you will change. Ultimately, that decision is yours. If you think these issues are too much to deal with, leave. If you think they can be managed and the relationship is still worth it to you, stay. Just make sure you are making that decision with your eyes open rather than ignoring concerns that have been present for a long time.

 

[lp12468]

Sounds good. What are your thoughts on staying in the relationship with one foot out the door and looking into other options? Basically not taking the relationship seriously and reducing my investment into it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Sounds good. What are your thoughts on staying in the relationship with one foot out the door and looking into other options? Basically not taking the relationship seriously and reducing my investment into it.

There is no price you can put on peace in your life and you'll never have it with her. IMO, you are simply allowing toxicity and negativity to remain in your life.

What is the purpose OP? Are you that desperate to be with someone and afraid to be on your own that you would rather deal with this on a daily basis than be by yourself?

I would walk 1000 times out of 1000. But I wouldn't have ever found myself in this situation to begin with.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Sounds good. What are your thoughts on staying in the relationship with one foot out the door and looking into other options? Basically not taking the relationship seriously and reducing my investment into it.

According to various theories within the manosphere, monkey branching is considered a female behaviour. This is based on ideas about gender polarity and communication styles. The argument is that women tend to communicate more indirectly so they may emotionally detach before leaving, while men are more likely to make a direct decision to walk away.

Also, this is based on sexual strategy theories. The argument is that women are more hypergamous, meaning they are more likely to secure a better option before ending a relationship while men are more likely to pursue new casual sexual partners instead of replacing their partner before leaving.

That being said, my advice is amoral. You have to decide what your own standards and values are, and then live according to them. You are the one who has to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day, not us.

 

[Solomon]

Women in their 60s-70s still pulling this shyt? aww heck naw...This is insane

 

[Solomon]

Ok well she is pushing for marriage and to move in. She also claims this was a random username but her handle is Trophe almost like trophy. She is beautiful and in her 30s, a 9/10. I am considering sticking around but not in a serious relationship regardless of what she labels the relationship. I have enforced and set boundaries which she is always open to respecting but whether or not she upholds all of them is in question. I also recently mandated she get therapy which she has done. She has lots of past trauma, no dad, and physical abuse from mom.

OP either got a fat wallet or is a troll account 70 year old man dating 30 year old single mother...not saying it doesn't happen, I got family members who pulled this but it's seldom based on love or even sincere desire but moreso based on security and status for those women

 

[BackInTheGame78]

OP either got a fat wallet or is a troll account 70 year old man dating 30 year old single mother...not saying it doesn't happen, I got family members who pulled this but it's seldom based on love or even sincere desire but moreso based on security and status for those women

OP claims to be in his 20s

 

[Solomon]

OP claims to be in his 20s

That's even worse; if he's in his 20s he has no business dating a single mother seriously....unless he plans to marry her and become a stepdaddy*

 

[BackInTheGame78]

That's even worse; if he's in his 20s he has no business dating a single mother seriously....unless he plans to marry her and become a stepdaddy*

Yeah...I have got nothing else to say really on the situation, I've said my piece, it's OPs life, if he enjoys toxicity and bullsh!t then by all means, he can keep dealing with it.

I prioritize my own peace.

 

[Divorced w 3]

This woman sounds absolutely awful. I don’t know what you see in her. Is this the best you feel you can do at this point in your life?

 

[Prepostereax]

Situationships, fwb's, and other non-committal stuff are perfectly fine when you are
1. still figuring out what you want in a partner/s
2. Evaluating someone

Eventually, plates break, as yours has done.
You can try to put them back together, they'll remain flawed.

Sounds good. What are your thoughts on staying in the relationship with one foot out the door and looking into other options? Basically not taking the relationship seriously and reducing my investment into it.

You've already established some incompatibilities.
And you are invested, or you wouldn't be posting about it and giving it 2nd thoughts.

It's way easier to get into a relationship, any relationship, than it is to extricate from a bad one with minimal fallout.

Even without any attachment or investment,
continuing here is basically a waste of time & energy, and there's a considerable opportunity cost too.

 

[Ricky]

Sounds good. What are your thoughts on staying in the relationship with one foot out the door and looking into other options? Basically not taking the relationship seriously and reducing my investment into it.

thats what i would do to be honest. Definitely don’t marry her unless some of these concerning behaviors can be resolved.

 

[lp12468]

Update - I continue to keep one foot out of the door and my girlfriend is trying to overcompensate. Lately she has been buying me many gifts, cleaning my apartment, making food, and more. She is trying to secure future trips and an expensive promise ring, and can tell my vibe has shifted. Most concerning is how she acts when she is near ovulation, or days 7-14 of the menstrual cycle. She clearly views me as beta, as she begins to get more critical of me, although the sex remains consistent. One other thing I've noticed is that she doesn't seem to enjoy sex as much, and it's more transactional and to keep me in control. She doesn't orgasm as much. And this made me realize that for women with daddy issues, trauma and insecurity, they crave the dopamine hit. An affair will never match that of another partner, even if they do everything right and are alpha. Am I on base here, and do you have any other thoughts?

 

[lp12468]

One other concerning experience has been with her friend. The way she nonverbally communicated to her husband was quite revealing. She was biting and sucking her finger when talking to him. Also there were a number of indirect comments like he and his wife were trying to reveal to me such as bringing up copper in their DIY work (note she has a copper IUD), him talking about improving the house (e.g. slapping it together and tying things up), her asking how he mounted the TV (before when we first met we used mounting in a sexual way), her bringing up a story about a priest in LA who drove a Cadillac and wore all gold and how she wanted to ask him to bless her, and outside of that get-together her in unrelated topics mentioning how she likes 3, is very selective, and always looks whether or not someone has a ring on.

 

[lp12468]

Finally she has dropped concerning hints of a future allegation but I may be paranoid. Earlier I spoke about how if someone had a PornHub they could easily be revoked from the law license. One day she was driving back and she claimed all of a sudden that she got pulled over by the police and told them that I got into an injury and asked me to play in on it. Then she later said she was just joking. At a later point as well, and I forgot the context, she brought up losing licensure. She also knows that I am in medical school right now. Am I off base and what should I do... Note I took the route of keeping one foot out of the door and staying in the relationship mostly for sex as I find a new partner. I also recognize that most people on the thread advised I run and get out of the relationship. I may just be a dumbass but some more advise and perspective on this would help as I align on the path forward. Thanks in advance!

 

[Clockwerk50]

Update - I continue to keep one foot out of the door and my girlfriend is trying to overcompensate. Lately she has been buying me many gifts, cleaning my apartment, making food, and more. She is trying to secure future trips and an expensive promise ring, and can tell my vibe has shifted. Most concerning is how she acts when she is near ovulation, or days 7-14 of the menstrual cycle. She clearly views me as beta, as she begins to get more critical of me, although the sex remains consistent. One other thing I've noticed is that she doesn't seem to enjoy sex as much, and it's more transactional and to keep me in control. She doesn't orgasm as much. And this made me realize that for women with daddy issues, trauma and insecurity, they crave the dopamine hit. An affair will never match that of another partner, even if they do everything right and are alpha. Am I on base here, and do you have any other thoughts?

Women will sometimes have sex with men they wouldn't consider marrying, and they can also marry men they aren't particularly sexually attracted to. That distinction can help explain the kind of transactional or “starfish” sex you’re describing. If the sex is consistently “starfish,” then she isn't strongly sexually aroused by you. She may still have plenty of incentive to keep you around if the relationship provides her with stability, validation, and other benefits, but at the end of the day, she has little reason to give that up. You can read more about this in the link below, but long story short, women can separate sexual desire from the stability and commitment they seek from a long-term partner.

Saving the Best

OP, I think you're getting too deep into trying to explain her behavior through ovulation, “beta,” dopamine, trauma, etc. You don't need to solve the psychology behind it, nor ignore the fact that the hints about hiding, lying, and involving the police could be a huge liability to you, especially given that you're in med school and have your professional reputation and future medical license to protect.

If the relationship feels increasingly transactional and you're already keeping one foot out the door, that should tell you something about where you stand with the relationship. As I said before, either stay and genuinely accept the relationship as it is, or start making a clean exit. What really doesn't help is remaining half-invested indefinitely while trying to decode every behavior. At this point, you're just chaining and anchoring yourself to someone you've already decided you don't fully trust.

 

[lp12468]

I know that I need to make a decision, but my mind is just preoccupied with this man. It's all I think about and her manipulation and control tactics are obviously working. Certainly I have a lot to work on myself, when it comes to actually being an alpha. However I just don't know how to get my mind off of it. There are a lot of demands on me right now with school, and I've tried everything from self care (e.g. meditation, going to church, prayer, working out, sleeping, therapy (I have bipolar disorder), etc.).

 

[lp12468]

And perhaps it is the bipolar disorder that is feeding into all of this in terms of paranoia. I just don't feel I have a clear read or that I'm in the right mental state right now to make a decision as stupid as that sounds...

 

[lp12468]

She knows that I have bipolar and that I'm prone to rumination and these things but keeps on playing mind games with me because she knows it works.