oldmanofthesea
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2018
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- 48
I'm sure that title alone probably triggered a lot of people lol.
Looking for input on communication vs action. I've leaned toward action instead of communication and it has worked overall but has recently got me into a situation where the girl took over and lead our interactions, and I'm not sure that was a good thing.
Two examples below. Assume both are with a girl you've been seeing consistently for two to three months.
Example 1: You ask her if she wants to go away for the weekend and suggest a weekend a month out. She says she has no plans that weekend but wants to keep it open because all her other weekends are booked.
Option 1: Smile and say "No problem baby." then make plans with another girl or friends that weekend instead. Probably, your main girl will change her mind about wanting to hang out closer to that weekend but, oh well, you're already busy, and remind her you offered and she declined. She will hopefully learn the lesson on her own. Also back off and don't make any additional plans with her. Wait for her to make plans with you next. She shot you down with a lame justification, so you show her that you are willing to simply walk away. This is all about action. No direct communication of your feelings.
Option 2: Tell her you think her excuse is lame and communicates how unimportant spending time with you is. Tell her if that's how important you are, then you aren't really interested in proceeding. And be willing to walk if she disagrees.
I go with option 1 here.
Another example: You ask a girl to give you a ride somewhere on her way home. It's 15 minutes out of her way. The previous weekend, you spent several hours helping her with something. She says she can't do it because it's out of her way.
Option 1. You smile and say "No problem" and then ensure you stop offering to help her with things and turn down any requests she makes.
Option 2: Explain that after two months, and after the time you've spent helping her, that you think it's lame of her to refuse your request given that it's only 15 mins out of her way. Tell her you expect more from someone you have this type of relationship with and be willing to walk away if she disagrees. (Note: I don't do nice things with the expectation of getting anything in return... That's classic nice-guy behavior. But we are talking about a fifteen minute to favor that I'd ask even a casual friend for let alone someone I am dating seriously).
I went with option 1.
I have a couple issues with option 2 in both examples (communication). The first is that it can come off as controlling. In my experience, this drives women away. It seems all the women I've dated seriously expect that you'll have zero expectations. The second is that communicating that you are upset can make you look weak and needy, and I think a lot of girls will try to exploit that to their advantage, or simply lose interest in you because you look weak/needy.
Thoughts? It just seems odd to never communicate how you feel because there are likely to be expectations you have that you'll really want to get across at some points in time. Using actions only can be effective, but I'm not sure it is fair or as efficient as communication. At the same time, communication can make you look controlling, weak, and needy, which will drive a girl away.
Looking for input on communication vs action. I've leaned toward action instead of communication and it has worked overall but has recently got me into a situation where the girl took over and lead our interactions, and I'm not sure that was a good thing.
Two examples below. Assume both are with a girl you've been seeing consistently for two to three months.
Example 1: You ask her if she wants to go away for the weekend and suggest a weekend a month out. She says she has no plans that weekend but wants to keep it open because all her other weekends are booked.
Option 1: Smile and say "No problem baby." then make plans with another girl or friends that weekend instead. Probably, your main girl will change her mind about wanting to hang out closer to that weekend but, oh well, you're already busy, and remind her you offered and she declined. She will hopefully learn the lesson on her own. Also back off and don't make any additional plans with her. Wait for her to make plans with you next. She shot you down with a lame justification, so you show her that you are willing to simply walk away. This is all about action. No direct communication of your feelings.
Option 2: Tell her you think her excuse is lame and communicates how unimportant spending time with you is. Tell her if that's how important you are, then you aren't really interested in proceeding. And be willing to walk if she disagrees.
I go with option 1 here.
Another example: You ask a girl to give you a ride somewhere on her way home. It's 15 minutes out of her way. The previous weekend, you spent several hours helping her with something. She says she can't do it because it's out of her way.
Option 1. You smile and say "No problem" and then ensure you stop offering to help her with things and turn down any requests she makes.
Option 2: Explain that after two months, and after the time you've spent helping her, that you think it's lame of her to refuse your request given that it's only 15 mins out of her way. Tell her you expect more from someone you have this type of relationship with and be willing to walk away if she disagrees. (Note: I don't do nice things with the expectation of getting anything in return... That's classic nice-guy behavior. But we are talking about a fifteen minute to favor that I'd ask even a casual friend for let alone someone I am dating seriously).
I went with option 1.
I have a couple issues with option 2 in both examples (communication). The first is that it can come off as controlling. In my experience, this drives women away. It seems all the women I've dated seriously expect that you'll have zero expectations. The second is that communicating that you are upset can make you look weak and needy, and I think a lot of girls will try to exploit that to their advantage, or simply lose interest in you because you look weak/needy.
Thoughts? It just seems odd to never communicate how you feel because there are likely to be expectations you have that you'll really want to get across at some points in time. Using actions only can be effective, but I'm not sure it is fair or as efficient as communication. At the same time, communication can make you look controlling, weak, and needy, which will drive a girl away.