Cold Approaching vs. Groups

[BPH]

Requested by @Oatmeal31 and @nicksaiz65 and back by popular demand.

I'll try to make this as short and sweet as I can.

Cold approaching is my bread and butter. I'm a good-looking guy, but I also live with my parents in suburban Delaware and make less than $50k/year at 31 years old. On paper, I'm not an attractive prospect - but in person, I'd say I do better than 90% of guys I run into. The guys I know who get laid a lot don't have high standards, and the ones who have high standards don't get laid a lot and/or have a long-term girlfriend.

Considering the fact that I've managed to check both boxes, I think I'm qualified to give advice on this topic. Keep in mind, I'm writing this from the perspective of somebody trying to GET LAID, while USUALLY approaching in an environment where approaching is expected (bar, club). If you are looking for advice about getting a long-term, marriage-material girlfriend, this probably won't apply to you.

1-on-1

Easy mode. There's nobody else around to judge the decisions she may or may not make with you, you just have to be charming and do a good job of selling yourself to her. Assuming you're not a total idiot and she's at least somewhat attracted to you, you should be able to come away with at LEAST a number close most of the time. If this is during the day, you'd be best served by setting up tentative plans to grab drinks or go on a date later that night, if possible. If this is at night, ideally at a bar or club, there are even more possibilities. If logistics work out, and you both have somewhere to go that's private, this should be just as easy. All you really have to do is understand social cues, escalate at a pace that she's comfortable with, then isolate.

2-on-1

This can potentially be more difficult than larger groups, because a major factor that decides how well the interaction will go is girl number 2. Is she also single and would be left alone while you talk to her friend? Does she have a boyfriend, and is happy that her friend met an awesome guy (you)? Is she sober and being a bit of a buzzkill? Is she drunk off her a**, with your girl responsible for making sure she gets home safe? There's a lot of RNG here. If you're able to isolate the girl from her friend, and the friend can take care of herself, you're golden. Otherwise, you'll likely have to appease both girls all the way until the end of the interaction when you, ideally, finally get some alone time with your girl to escalate. Very difficult to do during daytime approaches, and I'd usually suggest settling with the phone number and setting up a date. Less difficult for night approaches, but still, a lot of factors are outside your control.

3-on-1

Usually, the sweet spot. This is simply because the girls you are NOT approaching will be able to lean on each other to continue doing whatever they were doing without the girl that you're talking to. What frequently will happen is they'll check in to make sure their friend is ok, but otherwise, if you come across normal and charming, you'll get some leeway. I've mentioned it before, but the way I approach sets of multiple girls is almost always the same: compliment the one I want, introduce myself to her, briefly introduce myself to her friends, then go back to the one I want and pretend the others don't exist unless they chime in. MOST of the time, they will take the hint. Sometimes they will c***block, in which case, there's not a lot you can do about it unless your girl is REALLY interested and pushes back against their behavior. However, if you can get some alone time with your girl, and the friends become a non-issue, this is usually about as easy as 1-on-1. As with everything on this list, harder to do during the daytime approaches, much easier at night. One benefit of approaching these groups is that you will usually earn the respect of the group by having the balls to approach them by yourself. I've been complimented several times for having the confidence to do this.

DISCLAIMER: It is very important not to get emotional when dealing with c***blocking friends. You are in a lose-lose situation by reacting in almost any way. Snap back at the friend? Now you're an a**hole. Get defensive? Now you're a pu***. Tag in the girl to back you up? She's not going to go against her friend in favor of a guy she just met (unless she's really interested). It is very important that you brush off these interactions. Treat the c***blocker like a small child: laugh it off like she's a little girl having a tantrum, disregard whatever comment she made, then continue on with your night if your girl doesn't intervene or push back. It is not worth fighting that uphill battle because you will have to deal with this friend's BS all the way to the bedroom - if you even get that far.

More-on-1

Generally not worth your time. There's a saying that a person is smart, but people are dumb. This alludes to "groupthink", as in, her attitude towards you will likely be dictated by how the majority of the group reacts to you. Basically, you'll generally have to win everybody over to get time with the one you want. Additionally, there's the chance that somebody ELSE in the group is more attracted to you than the girl YOU want, and girls have a similar "girl code" where they won't step on each other's toes. Large groups of girls are usually out for a reason, and that reason is rarely to meet men. Most often it will be somebody's birthday, or baby shower, or some stupid friendsversary or something...the point is that they will usually arrive together, and they will usually leave together. If you HAVE to approach a girl in a large group, like she's your dream girl and you're picturing marriage with this woman, I wouldn't suggest going further than getting a phone number to set up a later date. In order for a girl to leave the safety of her group, disregarding their opinion of her leaving with a strange man, she would have to be extremely promiscuous, not care about that friend group, or have the stars align.

Mixed-on-1

A bad idea 99% of the time. The guys in the group are almost always boyfriends to the girls in the group. If not, they're the friends of the boyfriends of the girls in the group who are going to be showing up later. Approaching a mixed group takes all the downsides of More-on-1 and cranks it to 11 - now she's not only worried about being perceived as a who** by her friends, but ALSO guys she may be interested in or who are friends of guys she's interested in. Beyond that, even if your girl isn't dating a guy in the group, there's a strong chance at least 1 of them likes her and will use the opportunity to "white knight" and drive you away, or threaten to fight you in more extreme circumstances. However...I cannot COMPLETELY discredit these approaches because they did lead to my 2nd long-term relationship with a wonderful girl. I was piss-drunk in Atlantic City and had my shirt torn open by a guy who tried to fight me earlier in the night, and my exact line was "ok so...who is who's boyfriend here?" My then-future girlfriend was single, and the guys were friends of the other girl's boyfriend. This was an extremely niche situation and outcome, and usually will not go nearly as well as it did that night.

I hope this was insightful, and as usual, if anybody has questions about any of this or wants a more specific situation elaborated on, feel free to leave a reply. I'm off to grab a drink.

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

Wait a min, this nonsense was actually requested?

 

[BPH]

Wait a min, this nonsense was actually requested?

Yes, for those of us who want to bang women who aren't yet eligible for senior discounts.

 

[Oatmeal31]

Yes, for those of us who want to bang women who aren't yet eligible for senior discounts.

aye man, 10% ain't bad. respect the elderly lmao

 

[We_ArE_VeNOM]

Yes, for those of us who want to bang women who aren't yet eligible for senior discounts.

That actually makes sense, because you guys ain't getting rejected by the seniors... you're getting rejected by the women you actually want to bang.

 

[SW15]

Cold approaching is my bread and butter.

That's good. Most men who are around your age are app swipers or social media platform DM'ers.

Many fewer men are approaching women in public now.

1-on-1

Easy mode. There's nobody else around to judge the decisions she may or may not make with you, you just have to be charming and do a good job of selling yourself to her. Assuming you're not a total idiot and she's at least somewhat attracted to you, you should be able to come away with at LEAST a number close most of the time. If this is during the day, you'd be best served by setting up tentative plans to grab drinks or go on a date later that night, if possible. If this is at night, ideally at a bar or club, there are even more possibilities. If logistics work out, and you both have somewhere to go that's private, this should be just as easy. All you really have to do is understand social cues, escalate at a pace that she's comfortable with, then isolate.

This is mostly going to happen in non-bar settings since women do not go out to nightlife venues alone. It is easy to catch a woman alone in a gym, outdoors during daylight hours, a grocery store, etc.

I think it is good advice to try to set up a date for that night off of a non-bar approach. On non-bar approaches, it's been more common for me to set up dates days into the future. As an example, today is a Sunday. I have been grocery shopping on Sunday many times and often in the late morning or in the afternoon. I can think of times where I set up dates for Tuesday/Wednesday night off of a Sunday afternoon grocery shopping approach.

2-on-1

This can potentially be more difficult than larger groups, because a major factor that decides how well the interaction will go is girl number 2. Is she also single and would be left alone while you talk to her friend? Does she have a boyfriend, and is happy that her friend met an awesome guy (you)? Is she sober and being a bit of a buzzkill? Is she drunk off her a**, with your girl responsible for making sure she gets home safe? There's a lot of RNG here. If you're able to isolate the girl from her friend, and the friend can take care of herself, you're golden. Otherwise, you'll likely have to appease both girls all the way until the end of the interaction when you, ideally, finally get some alone time with your girl to escalate. Very difficult to do during daytime approaches, and I'd usually suggest settling with the phone number and setting up a date. Less difficult for night approaches, but still, a lot of factors are outside your control.

This is one of the most common nightlife venue scenarios. In approaching any two set of women, a man will always connect better with one of the two for whatever reason.

I try to avoid two sets in non-bar approaching, though it is common to see women in Groups of 2 on walking paths or at parks. It can also happen at the mall, but I have scaled back my mall approaching in recent years. In terms of indoor retail, I've always preferred grocery stores and even bookstores in strip malls to larger indoor malls. It is rare for a woman to be in a Group of 2 at a grocery store, so that's why I like the grocery store a lot as an approach venue.

Groups of 2 females are decent options for Groups of 2 males. As a solo male, a female Group of 2 is going to be a more difficult option but not the worst option.

3-on-1

Usually, the sweet spot. This is simply because the girls you are NOT approaching will be able to lean on each other to continue doing whatever they were doing without the girl that you're talking to. What frequently will happen is they'll check in to make sure their friend is ok, but otherwise, if you come across normal and charming, you'll get some leeway. I've mentioned it before, but the way I approach sets of multiple girls is almost always the same: compliment the one I want, introduce myself to her, briefly introduce myself to her friends, then go back to the one I want and pretend the others don't exist unless they chime in. MOST of the time, they will take the hint. Sometimes they will c***block, in which case, there's not a lot you can do about it unless your girl is REALLY interested and pushes back against their behavior. However, if you can get some alone time with your girl, and the friends become a non-issue, this is usually about as easy as 1-on-1. As with everything on this list, harder to do during the daytime approaches, much easier at night. One benefit of approaching these groups is that you will usually earn the respect of the group by having the balls to approach them by yourself. I've been complimented several times for having the confidence to do this.

DISCLAIMER: It is very important not to get emotional when dealing with c***blocking friends. You are in a lose-lose situation by reacting in almost any way. Snap back at the friend? Now you're an a**hole. Get defensive? Now you're a pu***. Tag in the girl to back you up? She's not going to go against her friend in favor of a guy she just met (unless she's really interested). It is very important that you brush off these interactions. Treat the c***blocker like a small child: laugh it off like she's a little girl having a tantrum, disregard whatever comment she made, then continue on with your night if your girl doesn't intervene or push back. It is not worth fighting that uphill battle because you will have to deal with this friend's BS all the way to the bedroom - if you even get that far.

This is the ideal group size for a solo male in nightlife venue approaching. Everything is perfect here in the comments.

More-on-1

Generally not worth your time. There's a saying that a person is smart, but people are dumb. This alludes to "groupthink", as in, her attitude towards you will likely be dictated by how the majority of the group reacts to you. Basically, you'll generally have to win everybody over to get time with the one you want. Additionally, there's the chance that somebody ELSE in the group is more attracted to you than the girl YOU want, and girls have a similar "girl code" where they won't step on each other's toes. Large groups of girls are usually out for a reason, and that reason is rarely to meet men. Most often it will be somebody's birthday, or baby shower, or some stupid friendsversary or something...the point is that they will usually arrive together, and they will usually leave together. If you HAVE to approach a girl in a large group, like she's your dream girl and you're picturing marriage with this woman, I wouldn't suggest going further than getting a phone number to set up a later date. In order for a girl to leave the safety of her group, disregarding their opinion of her leaving with a strange man, she would have to be extremely promiscuous, not care about that friend group, or have the stars align.

The only group setting scenario that you didn't mention specifically by name is the bachelorette party. The bachelorette party is the most overhyped group of women for pickup purposes.

Bachelorette parties are more about getting attention than seeking new penis. A lot of bachelorette party attendees are women already in relationships, just like the bride-to-be.

I don't think getting a phone number is worthwhile without making the date plans right there on the spot. I don't get phone numbers in any setting without making plans.

In general, I don't like a solo guy going for groups of 4+ women. I try my best not to bother with that in nightlife approaching. Groups of 4+ women are tough options even for men going out with a wingman or two.

Mixed-on-1

A bad idea 99% of the time. The guys in the group are almost always boyfriends to the girls in the group. If not, they're the friends of the boyfriends of the girls in the group who are going to be showing up later. Approaching a mixed group takes all the downsides of More-on-1 and cranks it to 11 - now she's not only worried about being perceived as a who** by her friends, but ALSO guys she may be interested in or who are friends of guys she's interested in. Beyond that, even if your girl isn't dating a guy in the group, there's a strong chance at least 1 of them likes her and will use the opportunity to "white knight" and drive you away, or threaten to fight you in more extreme circumstances. However...I cannot COMPLETELY discredit these approaches because they did lead to my 2nd long-term relationship with a wonderful girl. I was piss-drunk in Atlantic City and had my shirt torn open by a guy who tried to fight me earlier in the night, and my exact line was "ok so...who is who's boyfriend here?" My then-future girlfriend was single, and the guys were friends of the other girl's boyfriend. This was an extremely niche situation and outcome, and usually will not go nearly as well as it did that night.

I hope this was insightful, and as usual, if anybody has questions about any of this or wants a more specific situation elaborated on, feel free to leave a reply. I'm off to grab a drink.

I agree. I avoid those groups entirely. That's a shiit show waiting to happen.

Those mixed groups are more of a nightlife phenomenon than a daygame phenomenon.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

What’s interesting is that when girls approach, it makes no difference if the guy is alone, with a buddy or with a whole group of guys.
girls will approach solo or with her wing.

It seems like they don’t overthink it either.

 

[super_soaker]

What’s interesting is that when girls approach, it makes no difference if the guy is alone, with a buddy or with a whole group of guys.
girls will approach solo or with her wing.

It seems like they don’t overthink it either.

imo this depends on the environment and context.
in a bar or nightlife setting i would agree, but during day time hours it will happen less often. during the daytime and, depending on which group of people are there, you might get more iois or signals than direct approaches, or the girl might make some excuse to isolate or join you away from the group to be a bit more flirty in private.

 

[BPH]

What’s interesting is that when girls approach, it makes no difference if the guy is alone, with a buddy or with a whole group of guys.
girls will approach solo or with her wing.

It seems like they don’t overthink it either.

WHEN a girl approaches? The only times I can recall being approached by a girl are when the girl isn't attractive or when they're making an introduction for a friend.

I cannot think of a single time when an attractive girl I also wanted opened ME.

 

[SW15]

when girls approach

This is uncommon for most men. If a man reaches the 8.5+ level, he might get opened by women regularly and some might be attractive. I am below an 8.5.

I cannot think of a single time when an attractive girl I also wanted opened ME.

I cannot think of a time when that happened to me either.

I can think of times when I got approached by unattractive women.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

This is uncommon for most men. If a man reaches the 8.5+ level, he might get opened by women regularly and some might be attractive. I am below an 8.5.



I cannot think of a time when that happened to me either.

I can think of times when I got approached by unattractive women.

The point is most women don’t seem to over analyze or even stress out when doing so.
My experience is they, mostly, seem happy & having fun. Whereas guys are often nervous & overthink it.

 

[BPH]

The point is most women don’t seem to over analyze or even stress out when doing so.
My experience is they, mostly, seem happy & having fun. Whereas guys are often nervous & overthink it.

That has never been my experience. Girls are just as afraid of getting rejected by guys, maybe even moreso because it's more damaging to their ego in a society that generally gives them what they want.

I had a good-looking friend who is very tall, like 6'7", who got the attention of a girl I found attractive on a night out several years ago. He never made a move, and in fact was completely oblivious (as he needs to drink himself silly to talk to girls), so she never made a move. Instead, I approached her and ended up banging her that night.

On my birthday, I was approached by a girl; she was very unattractive, so I lied and said I had a girlfriend. She was so drunk that she came and approached me again, maybe 1 hour later, having completely forgotten about her original approach.

Off the top of my head, I can think of 2 specific instances where a girl recruited a friend to do the introduction for her, rather than coming up to me herself.

And beyond that, the girl in my LR 100 mentioned that she doesn't ask guys on dates, they ask her out. When I was trying to schedule the date for a later time rather than plan it around her desire to have time to do things afterwards I tried to use an analogy; "if you invited me out on a date and I asked for it to be earlier so I could go out with my boys after, how would you feel?" This hypothetical was lost on her when she responded in the way above.

The women that I've seen approach guys are usually drunk enough off liquid courage to do so, or are doing it in a joking way where they don't expect to succeed, as in how men might catcall.

If they are interested in the guy, they are just as terrified of rejection as the men on this forum.

 

[SW15]

The point is most women don’t seem to over analyze or even stress out when doing so.

I agree.

My experience is they, mostly, seem happy & having fun. Whereas guys are often nervous & overthink it.

This is the difference between abundance and scarcity. Women under menopause age usually have abundance. Their abundance has been increased in the era of social media and swipe apps. If they choose to approach a man, it's no big deal because they probably have abundance. With that said, they probably won't like being rejected even with their abundance because it isn't a pleasant experience.

Most men will live in a state of scarcity.

Girls are just as afraid of getting rejected by guys, maybe even moreso because it's more damaging to their ego in a society that generally gives them what they want.

Most females won't initiate because they are not accustomed to initiating. They would experience the feelings you mention but they can fall back on their abundance.

Most women don't seem to value their abundance though. While many women will acknowledge their quantity, most often perceive a lack of quality. Lack of quality is subjective and often dependent upon the level of female fussiness. Some women are too fussy relative to what they offer.

 

[Oatmeal31]

WHEN a girl approaches? The only times I can recall being approached by a girl are when the girl isn't attractive or when they're making an introduction for a friend.

I cannot think of a single time when an attractive girl I also wanted opened ME.

Yeah, it's ****ing rare. Ironically it used to happen to me when I first started out. I would go out solo and take small steps towards gaming. I was weaning into it, but turned out to be a wallflower because I used to be fearful of rejection.

But every time, I'd go out, an attractive girl would eventually come up to me and shoot her shot. I was sitting at a bar once and chatting to folks around, guys and girls alike just to step out of my comfort zone and practice, and when I got off my stool to leave a group mixed with guys/girls sitting at a table flagged me down. One of the girls in the group, attractive too, wanted to get my number.

I typed my number in and said something nice to meet you, I'll see you later (wink) and left. She never texted despite that. That was years ago. Nowadays, I would've led her out of the group that moment and isolated her, not act like chicken and bank her texting my number.

But yeah, girls pretty much never lead. I'm much more confident and experienced today, and it happens even less now for whatever reason

Anyways, they are just as, if not more scared of rejection. If they weren't, girls would initiate more.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

That has never been my experience. Girls are just as afraid of getting rejected by guys, maybe even moreso because it's more damaging to their ego in a society that generally gives them what they want.

I had a good-looking friend who is very tall, like 6'7", who got the attention of a girl I found attractive on a night out several years ago. He never made a move, and in fact was completely oblivious (as he needs to drink himself silly to talk to girls), so she never made a move. Instead, I approached her and ended up banging her that night.

On my birthday, I was approached by a girl; she was very unattractive, so I lied and said I had a girlfriend. She was so drunk that she came and approached me again, maybe 1 hour later, having completely forgotten about her original approach.

Off the top of my head, I can think of 2 specific instances where a girl recruited a friend to do the introduction for her, rather than coming up to me herself.

And beyond that, the girl in my LR 100 mentioned that she doesn't ask guys on dates, they ask her out. When I was trying to schedule the date for a later time rather than plan it around her desire to have time to do things afterwards I tried to use an analogy; "if you invited me out on a date and I asked for it to be earlier so I could go out with my boys after, how would you feel?" This hypothetical was lost on her when she responded in the way above.

The women that I've seen approach guys are usually drunk enough off liquid courage to do so, or are doing it in a joking way where they don't expect to succeed, as in how men might catcall.

If they are interested in the guy, they are just as terrified of rejection as the men on this forum.

We all have different experiences I guess.