Cold approaching for the mature and classy man

[Jariel]

I notice most popular approach strategies involve being somewhat "cheeky" - ****y, funny, playful, teasing (neg hitting) and playing the fool somewhat. The thing is, I just cannot imagine doing any of that. I'm too mature and consider myself too smooth to be clowning around to impress a woman.

I've never had much faith in cold approaches in general to be honest, but I do get bar staff, sales assistants, secretaries and the like who flirt with me and give me the green light, and I have wondered how I would go for the number in these situations.

It hit me that I can't (or rather, I won't) apply any of the typical pickup stuff I've read, because it's just so incongruent with my personality. So I'm just curious about the pick up styles of any of the more smooth and mature guys here.

(This is hypothetical as I'm still in a relationship, but I might need this stuff one day).

 

[DJDamage]

I've never had much faith in cold approaches in general to be honest, but I do get bar staff, sales assistants, secretaries and the like who flirt with me and give me the green light, and I have wondered how I would go for the number in these situations.

How you go about it you ask? by letting your intentions be known sooner rather then later.

The 3 seconds role applies to everything, it just how you use it. You can be in a bar and see some hot chick giving you IOI, should you wait just go there and be friendly for 10 mins and hope for the best?! maybe but sometimes you can get away by just saying stright out sh1t: "Hey I just saw you from acorss the bar and I had to come and tell you, that i like what I see" - if she thinks you are attractive you will get away with it, if not then forget about it.

 

[grinder]

I have done a bunch of approaching lately. Last Thursday I had to travel through 3 semi-small towns. So I hit three smallish malls. I approached 20 + women that day.

I’m finding more and more that when you walk up to a woman you have already been judged, categorized, and filed away somewhere by her before you open your mouth. That’s a solid fact.

I’m getting better and better at this and I can tell if they are into my program after about 5 seconds. They either like me or they are indifferent. I literally could say any-damn-thing.

I am a fan of David D, but the ****y-funny is not appropriate most of the time right off the bat. I will have developed this entire “funny” approach in my head and then try to fit it into the situation. It does not work like that. You see a puzzled look on their face because, remember, they are starting from zero on you, and you are miles ahead. You catch them off guard. Most are not ready to laugh right away. I save the ****y-funny for after I have opened them in conversation a minute or two. That’s my hook. But, again, if they don’t “get” you then it will fall flat, a total waste of time.

So the opener is totally on-the-fly and situational. And, usually very unimpressive sounding. All I am trying to do is get them to talk to me a few seconds about anything so I can then gage them and see any flickers of interest.

Also, many women my age don’t go for the goofy clown approach, they see you as immature.

Not once have I turned a totally flat response into a flicker of interest with my “brilliant wit”.

So, long answer short: I just plain old talk to them and pay very close attention to their interest in me.

And, I forgot to add: Anybody can approach anytime just for fun and practice. You don't have to go for digits all the damn time. Just keep yourself in practice and its good for socializing.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks guys, some valuable insights there. How do you ask for the number though? Do you invite her for a drink some time, give her a line about keeping in touch or just ask for the number directly?

A friend of mine gives out his business card and will say something like "If you fancy a coffee sometime, drop me a text" then parts ways. It sounds really cheesy to me, but I can see how some women would find that smooth and he does get dates.

I think the game changes when you're older, but I believe it can become easier in many respects, especially if you have the older man charm and presence that makes women melt.

 

[grinder]

Thanks guys, some valuable insights there. How do you ask for the number though? Do you invite her for a drink some time, give her a line about keeping in touch or just ask for the number directly?

A friend of mine gives out his business card and will say something like "If you fancy a coffee sometime, drop me a text" then parts ways. It sounds really cheesy to me, but I can see how some women would find that smooth and he does get dates.

I think the game changes when you're older, but I believe it can become easier in many respects, especially if you have the older man charm and presence that makes women melt.

I forget, there are some important details.

First, I really do actually carry around the small (pocket size) “At a Glance” nice leather bound black address book. It is not some cheap spiral note thing. It has a nice feel to it so when I hand it to her it’s just a little classy. And, of course, a nice pen.

I usually have a nice shirt on with a pocket but put the book in my back pocket so it looks better. I do have the pen in the pocket.

Ok, I’m not original at all and I copy the hell out of David D’s 3 min e-mail close. Just Goggle David D’s email close. It goes into much more detail than I can. I do not press them on whether the number is real or not like David D does.

Yes, I will feign to briefly have to “hunt” for the address book before producing it.

Keep in mind that, like last Thursday I approached 20 women, and only asked for email/number of 2 that particular day. I got both but never followed up with them.

I usually email or call the next day and go for lunch or coffee, usually before the end of the week. But, if they are out of town i might set it up a week later and go for lunch.

Lately i have had some bad luck in a few only wanted to email back and forth and be like online buddies. That's crap. I go for the meet right away. I give them a few chances to meet then drop them. Some wanted only to IM which is the same as saying "I don't want to see your face..". The purpose of email and phone is to get together. I have fallen into the trap of being strung along this way with nothing to show for it. Waste of time.

Remember, this is just me, they way I like to do it. Everyone is different.

 

[Apollo]

Jariel, I know where you're coming from. You may want to try a simple line (it's really that easy).

"It was nice meeting you, we should grab coffee sometime. What's your number?"

Once you get the number, call her up, chat for a few minutes and see how it goes. If it's going well ask her to dinner.

 

[Latinoman]

Jariel I have news for you.

Sales assistants and bar staffs are always going to either be nice or flirty. Add hair dressers to that list as well as waitresses. It is their job.

Secretaries, although not looking for anything (e.g $$$), they are also supposed to be nice.

My point is that you are probably misreading their signals. As those signals are NORMAL and part of their professional behavior. Unless they straight up tell you that they want you or find you very attractive. And you might get to that point by letting them know your intentions.

 

[Jariel]

Jariel I have news for you.

Sales assistants and bar staffs are always going to either be nice or flirty. Add hair dressers to that list as well as waitresses. It is their job.

Secretaries, although not looking for anything (e.g $$$), they are also supposed to be nice.

My point is that you are probably misreading their signals. As those signals are NORMAL and part of their professional behavior. Unless they straight up tell you that they want you or find you very attractive. And you might get to that point by letting them know your intentions.

That's a very cynical attitude. I know what you're saying, but 9/10 I can tell the difference between being nice and genuine interest. Paying me personal compliments, touching me and (sometimes) giving me discounts is not the sort of thing I see them do with other guys, but it's when they get flustered that's the give away.

Btw. I've rarely known girls ever tell guys straight up they want them.


Grinder: Sounds like you do this a lot. Sounds good and not too pushy, which is the sort of approach I'd prefer.

Apollo: Very smooth. I think that's the sort of direct line I'd like to use rather than the rehearsed joke or witty line.

 

[mrRuckus]

I'm too mature and consider myself too smooth to be clowning around to impress a woman.

That's pretty offensive. Maturity and your ability to "clown around" have nothing to do with each other. I don't know where this "too smooth" to joke around thing comes from either.

Just sounds like you're acting like you're better than the rest of us. It's the whole "i'm too cool for that" thing. If you're just no good at being funny or it's not your personality to clown around a bit then don't, but don't act like you're better and more mature and sophisticated because you don't. I'm a fair bit a goofball, but i'm myself... not "trying to impress a woman." I entertain myself and she comes along for the ride. If she doesn't then that's good to know that our personalities don't click because i can't be with a woman without a healthy sense of humor that is going to play off of mine.

 

[Jariel]

That's pretty offensive. Maturity and your ability to "clown around" have nothing to do with each other. I don't know where this "too smooth" to joke around thing comes from either.

There's a difference between joking and clowning around. I have a good sense of humour and I can laugh at myself, but I will not stoop to performing for anyone's entertainment because it doesn't fit my personality. So not only would I find it degrading, but it would be totally false.

Besides, I want people to take me seriously and respect me. No one respects a clown, unless they're damn good at what they do!

 

[Vulpine]

I notice most popular approach strategies involve being somewhat "cheeky" - ****y, funny, playful, teasing (neg hitting) and playing the fool somewhat. The thing is, I just cannot imagine doing any of that. I'm too mature and consider myself too smooth to be clowning around to impress a woman.

I think the word you're looking for is "stuffy".

Observe:

It hit me that I can't (or rather, I won't) apply any of the typical pickup stuff I've read, because it's just so incongruent with my STUFFY personality...

You make it sound like ****y, funny, playful, and teasing is monkeyshines and child's play. What?

Dude, you're 30, not 85.

Do you smile? Do you ever have a good time?

Smooth and mature...

The whole point of "****y, funny, playful" isn't "to impress" as much as it is "to frame" the interaction as upbeat and positive.

"Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry alone."

Simple, not, "doing a song and dance routine to impress a woman".

Do you always walk around with a frown and a "smooth and mature" face on? Then, it would look like you're old and creepy - half dead, p!ssed off. Whereas a smile and being jovial gives a youthful, exuberant impression. You can misread a "smooth and mature" expression as "stalker", you can't misread a smile. Now, you don't have to memorize lines or worry about any of that conversational mess. "****y, funny, playful" is a by-product of being happy and confident.

You can do that, right? Be happy and confident when you approach a woman?

The trick is to be unshakeable in your happiness and confidence - women will try to sh!t test you to see if you're a phony. That's when you turn it back to them. Teasing, C&F, and 'playful' are these "turn arounds".

What's most likely is that you're already doing this stuff, Mr. Smooth, and not calling the parts of the interactions what they are.

By the way, "mature and smooth" reminds me of the Aqua-Velva guy. It conjures images of "Cheesy and Greasy".

 

[Jariel]

Vulpine: You misunderstand me. I'm not stuffy in the slightest. I'm actually very charismatic, positive and fun to be around, but my humour is dignified. I refuse to perform for laughs and attention, i.e. pull faces, put on voices, dance around and alike, because to me that says "Please look at me! Please laugh at me!"

I strongly believe that you should play to your strengths and best qualities rather than trying to do something that feels unnatural. A lot of women idolise George Clooney, but if he started joking around and acting the fool, or trying to be Jim Carey, he would lose respect very quickly.

In my personal experience acting the clown, C+F, teasing etc has been fun in the past, made my friends laugh and turned a lot of women into little sister figures, but my most intimate connections with people have been formed through dignified conversations. That's because I'm good at them and it fits who I am.

 

[Vulpine]

Ok, so you're not a stiff.

Do you think George Clooney never cracks wise or teases women?

I can pretty much guarantee you that he does, just with a smooth and calm tone of voice. That is, women have to be listening, because he's not doing stand-up with a mic.

All the same C&F, teasing, negs - all that stuff still applies to your "smooth operator" style. The difference being, however, that unlike kids jumping around grab-assing, you'll deliver the wit in a calm, cool, collected manner. Right?

I think the only difference between "mature and classy" approach, and any other approach, is just a matter of voice and posture. The content is, or should be, pretty much the same.

I've ran up on women like a monkey freaking out, and have thrown poo at them and such; but I've also glided up on classy broads in different environments.

The only difference was omission of jargon (more dignified vocabulary), body language (closer, lower 'bedroom' eyes), and slower, lower speech. Other than that, same-same content. I'd still call them on their crap, make fun of the boogers hanging out of their noses, ask them why the haven't bought me a drink yet - the same sort of stuff.

 

[Jariel]

I can pretty much guarantee you that he does, just with a smooth and calm tone of voice. That is, women have to be listening, because he's not doing stand-up with a mic.

All the same C&F, teasing, negs - all that stuff still applies to your "smooth operator" style. The difference being, however, that unlike kids jumping around grab-assing, you'll deliver the wit in a calm, cool, collected manner. Right?

Yep, spot on!

My humour is naturally dry and ironic anyway and I can deliver c+f and neg hits in this way too, but I don't play on it as a pickup device.

Also, bear in mind I'm often wearing a suit when I'm out and about, so I feel it would be somewhat surreal for me to act overly cheeky or silly.

That said, some of the most affluent and successful guys I know are complete AFCs. Suit, money, posture and presence...it all goes down the drain the moment they start worshipping women.

 

[decades]

be a PRIZE and you won't need any lines.

 

[KingKongBallz]

Just ask them out

I manage to get about 2-3 dates a week and my conversion ration is usually about 50%...sometimes it's like a 70% ratio.

I usually try to apply my particular approach on girls i've made EC with but I've made it work by just stepping up (beside) a woman and then allowing her to notice me (they are usually surprized that I've somewhat invaded their personal space)...never too close however...just close enough so that they can sense you...a meter's distance usually works...

I just step up to the girl and ask them out i.e 'Heh, I think you and me should go out sometime"...and then take it from there...

Most girls will laugh and make a comment 1) oh...that pretty forward (and then I get into how I'm not the kind of guy to use gimmicks and beat around the bush)...2)But I don't even know you (to which i reply something along the lines of, well that's the point, that's why I'm giving you the chance) 3)oh really, why do you think that? (to which I respond something along the lines of "cuz i think we'd have a good time)...4)and some even respond 'humm, what did you have in mind or even, oh really, when? (to which i respond 'i was thinking right now)... They are usually suprized by that response...they feel like they can't get out of it but they usually love being presented with the opportunity....some say yes and other say they can't right now...If they say they can't at that moment (oh, the conservative type, or I guess your not the adventurous type...(they mostly defend their adventuristic side and suggest a better time)... such as 'maybe on the weekend/thurs/etc...(whatever day they give me I usually say I'm busy on that day)....and then I counter with (how about tonight then)....and then they usually agree.... There are so many ways to make a straight up approach work....no gimmicks (at least that's what I tell em even though this is a pretty big gimmick) but at least I'm not wasting my time and they seem to like that...

Trust me...I never get a bad experience with that line... the worst i've heard is 'I have a bf'...and then I can usually counter that by telling them something along the lines of 'well, we all know that nothing lasts forever so I'll give you a raincheck and you safe it for a rainy day"...the girls always laugh and say something along the lines of ..."I'll keep it in mind...or ...Thanks!" Then I exit...

Has anyone else had luck with this type of direct approach?

 

[Nighthawk]

Tease them til they ask you out.

Problem with you Jariel (and I like you a lot) is that you don't seem to have a mean side. I do, and I've noticed how women love it. When was the last time you were sarcastic? Teasing comes naturally to me, it's in my family and I've seen how effective it is a million times. Why not experiment more with it? Screw maturity, it doesn't have to be facile and childish.

My gf was briefly waitressing when I met her. I guess I ignored her a few times, but this wasn't logic, it was because my parents were seriously ill and i just needed time to think. (They are ok now). To answer your question, after a few times of her showing super-high interest levels - her 'you make me nervous.' Me 'good.' ( would you say that Jariel?) -I said 'what time do you finish' and the rest is history.

 

[Nighthawk]

Also, bear in mind I'm often wearing a suit when I'm out and about, so I feel it would be somewhat surreal for me to act overly cheeky or silly. .

???

I refuse to perform for laughs and attention, i.e. pull faces, put on voices, dance around and alike

No one is equating c&f with being Robiin Williams

 

[mxylplk]

Having a sense of humor is helpful since it makes the woman smile. During approaches, don't worry so much about the end result, will she like me or not. Each guy is unique when it comes to being "cheeky." Some guys can pull it off because they've had experience or maybe they don't think about it too much. If you're afraid you're sense of "cheeky" approach will come out cheesy, chances are it won't work. Use that energy(excitement/nervousness-however each person views the feeling) to help you and remember it's all in the attitude. But even if you feel it isn't you style, there are still other ways to make her smile and talk to you. You mentioned your sense of humor is dry and ironic. Work on improving that. You don't have to make her crack up but at least smile. Once it happens, great.

And yes, I agree with Apollo, keep it simple. During the conversation when her interest level is pretty high (assuming she's into you), have closure by saying you have a previous engagement which you have to go to but that you want to continue the conversation at another time. At this point, take out a pen and a piece of paper and HAVE HER write down her digits. Don't say anything. Give her a hug then leave.

 

[mzilla2]

Bump for real life examples, as I gotta do more cold approaching.