Regarding cordon's post:
- she was not seeing him at work, the only time they would see each other is when there is a test at school, which for 3rd year med students is not that often
- She said this just started about a week ago. I believe that because there was a point almost overnight where there seemed to be a huge change in her, and I think this was the cause. I also don't think they had sex because if they had, she would probably have felt so guilty that she couldn't even look at or speak to me. Also the night she tried to break up with me, after we talked it out we went to lay down and she started kissing me like I had been away for a year or something and said "make love to me." The sound in her voice and the look on her face were intensely vulnerable and pure. The next day we spent the whole day together and she was very warm and affectionate.
- As outlined below, I don't think she tried to break up with me FOR her ex. There is a difference between leaving someone for another person, and leaving some because you feel doubts+pressure and the ex is part of the doubt.
bugsquish,
I have thought about this a lot (obviously), and for what little it's worth, I'm going to give you my theory of what happened here.
First I'll say that a lot of the posters here have an absolutely unrealistic view of sexuality and relationships. It has never occurred to them that women, just like men, are tempted.
There was this hot girl from Brazil that I was trying to bang. I banged her best friend, and for that reason she ignored my advances for a long time. But her friend went back to Brazil and when that happened, she came around. We went to this club, to the beach, and made out for a while. She was one of the plates I was spinning when I met my ex. I dropped her. Early on in my relationship with my ex, she texted me one night when I was sitting at home alone and asked what I was doing.
I knew she wanted to come over. And I was so tempted. We sent a few messages back and forth. Finally I told her to come over. Instantly I regretted it and realized that even though this girl was hot and I had wanted her for a while now, it wasn't worth it. So I immediately sent her another message and told her sorry, but I didn't want to do that to my girlfriend.
If I had told my ex about that, should she forgive me? Of course. I faced temptation... and I even gave in to it for a second. But before it came time to do something irreversible, I stopped.
On to her. I don't think she physically cheated on me, for reasons I won't elaborate on. Emotionally/mentally? Yes, she did.
What happened here is forgivable but only under some cirumstances.
If this was some random guy she met at a bar and she did this, it is too disturbing to allow forgiveness because there is no emotional aspect to that. It's just raw sexual cheating.
On the other hand, this was a guy she used to have a serious 2yr (I incorrectly thought it was 4) relationship with, who she previously felt was "the one", a guy who she had an abortion with (which is a HUGE emotional issue to her esp. now that her best friend who was in the same situation didn't go that route and just had her baby), and who has pursued her while we were together. So this could happen completely out of confusion or unresolved feelings, which are things that can be empathized with. Meeting a random guy at a bar and "exploring" with him has much more base motivations that cannot be empathized with.
I DO think she entertained thoughts of getting back with him, but I don't think that is how it started. I believe that this is what happened:
She suddenly realized how serious we were getting (we JUST got back from an out of state trip to my best friend's wedding, where she also met my family for the first time), and when that happened, it made her compare the relationship to the last (and only other) one where she had felt willingness to enter the same level of commitment.
I had two of her deal breaker traits, a) I don't believe in god and b) I smoke cigars and weed on occasion. She told me flat out before we even got together that she has never ever considered being with anyone who smokes anything. And that she wanted me so much she was looking the other way. It was a huge deal to her. I know personally, if a girl smokes cigarettes I would NOT be with her.
Same thing with religion. This is not the first time the religion thing has come up and I know it is a serious issue to her. She wants her children to be raised in church. From my perspective, if a girl was a practicing Christian, I absolutely WOULD NOT be with her. So I don't think it's ridiculous.
I do not have a large tight-knit family like hers either, and I think that bothers her as well. She is very family oriented.
So for those reasons, and likely also due to the MASSIVE external stressor of med school/career, she felt unsure and scared. And it just spiraled into her thinking that because she didn't have those issues with him, and because she wasn't scared back then, she makes a judgment on OUR relationship and says "maybe I still love him and he is actually right for me."
From there she begins to talk to him and explore WHAT it is about him/them that made her comfortable, and what she seems to be missing with me.
What people don't seem to understand is that this process indicates that she is at the point where she is about to make a decision of whether or not she could spend the rest of her life with me. And that this process involves some serious introspection. She knows she cannot definitively answer that question without exploring her fears and feelings about her ex. At this point, she is either willing to let go of him forever and be with me forever, or she is ready to leave. In her mind this relationship has come to the point where ambiguity is unacceptable. She has to see herself with me forever, or not at all.
Her ex has wanted and continues to want her back. So as she begins to talk to him and he keeps pressuring her, it awakens feelings and the confusion grows. The conversation twists from her asking "why do I feel like I haven't moved on from you?" to him saying "because we need to be together." Then she asks, "but why do we need together?" He starts painting a picture, making promises, being the guy that she is NOT stressed about right now, and she begins to question herself, me, everything. And there is not a relationship in this world that has not had moments of doubt and questioning.
If this is true, then her reasons for contacting him were not wrong. She was trying to completely put to rest anything standing in her way of being willing to give me lifelong commitment (though I had not asked or hinted at that).
Based on what I have read, seen, and heard, that is my theory. It could be wrong.
Was she right to try to resolve her fears and questions? Absolutely. Was she right to allow herself to misinterpret her confusion and allow it open a "should we get back together?" dialogue? Absolutely not.
I think it says a lot that she did expose the real issue after a few days, instead of just leaving me and sticking with her religion+pressure story. He wants her. I read the messages. If she truly wanted him too, we wouldn't be having this conversation. That is something that all the "every woman is a slut who is always trying to leave you for someone else" theorists are missing here.
Does this mean I can be with her again?
If my theory is correct, then yes, I could forgive her unless I found out that there actually was physical cheating. I would also need to observe what happens between the two of them now that I have left her and see if they do get together within the next month or two.
But the broader issues here are that she is emotionally unstable, and I have two of her deal breaker traits. For those reasons, it is probably best that I don't get back together with her, now or in the future.
Please do not comment on this post or my idea unless you have read it completely.