I'm a long time reader of the forum and have really gained from it. Thanks in advance for any thoughtful replies.
This is a complex problem but I will try to keep this post as short as possible. I've been in an LTR for about 8 months now. I'm 28, she's 27. We dated and slept together for about a month before making things "official".
We met online, at the time I was travelling and also seeing other girls so I took things slow. Emailed and talked for about 3 weeks just flirting, playing games, and developing a pretty sweet mental chemistry before even meeting. The day I met her, I was hooked but was able to keep my cool. I did begin to phase out my other girls though, with the idea of getting into an LTR with her as long as my initial impressions weren't proven wrong over the next few weeks. Smart, getting great grades in med school, not a slut yet very sexual, good family, similar interests, humble, etc.
Fast forward - she is a very passionate and emotional girl (Latin), so we have had our share of fights, but overall we've had a great relationship to this point. HUGE emotional, sexual, and mental chemistry. Spent a lot of time together in great environments - Bahamas twice, Vegas, Key West twice, and a couple of other vacations + generally just doing unique, cool things together.
A couple months ago I started observing that she was toning down the open affection and her sex drive was slowing down. She didn't really seem detached, just different. I brought it up and she told me that she was under massive pressure/stress due to school (3rd year med) + work + having to make hard decisions about her career and specialty that were going to affect her for the rest of her life. This seemed legit to me, she was in fact working and studying her ass off, so I told her I would be patient and we'd work through it.
I was still a little suspicious that there was something deeper going on, but I wanted to see how it would play out.
Several days ago we had a fight and she said she wanted to break up because I was putting her under so much pressure. Repeated the same things about work/school/career stressing her out and me bringing up relationship issues on top of it was just too much. I honestly didn't feel like that's what she wanted, so I basically just looked her in the eye and said that we're not breaking up, we're just gonna back it down a notch and get rid of the pressure. That I was going to be even more patient. So we made up.
Last night, I knew something was up so after dinner I made her talk about it. She broke down crying and told me that she loved me but "something" had changed and she was confused, didn't know if she could see a future for us. Her primary reason was that I don't believe in god, she does, and she would want our children to have those "values." I asked her if that was the issue, or if that was only some rationalization she was coming up with for WHY her feelings had changed. She said she wasn't sure.
She stayed over, we talked about it a little more this morning. She said the same things. She just kept crying and telling me how good I've been to her, she doesn't want to hurt me, etc. In my experience this could often mean another guy... but I have asked her about this so many times and in so many ways, and I honestly don't think this is the issue. Of course I could be wrong, but I am man enough to admit it to myself if I felt like that was it.
She did say that she knows I'm serious and want to marry her (though I have never proposed or said anything about intending to), and she's scared that things have gotten so serious when she's not sure we have the same "values" (she believes in god and would want our kids to go to church, I don't). This could be BS, but it is also a positive sign that she is viewing me that seriously, maybe this is just a temporary freak out on her part.
I could write a lot about her past, my past, and lots of other factors. I'm sure it would be useful but it would make this already long post unreadable.
The bottom line is that I feel that a break up is likely coming. I've made it clear to her that I want to be with her and work through this, that the problem is not on my end. So I feel I have three options:
1) Put her to a decision and accept it. This seems like the worst option for many reasons, especially since she is submissive and always wants me to take the lead in things, large or small. The only benefit to this option seems to be that by not pressuring or forcing her, I may find that she is just having a temporary female moment of insanity and comes back to her senses.
2) Be proactive and dump her. It's very possible that she doesn't see me as a challenge anymore, and by dumping her I turn the tables and show that I am not willing to be in an environment where I feel unappreciated, and value myself highly.
3) Don't force a decision, wait it out. As I said, this could be good if she is just responding to the extraordinary stress in strange ways. I feel like if either of us ends this relationship it would be harder to get back into it, and I want to leave options open.
I just flat out don't want to lose this girl. I don't think this is one-itis or whatever... I've banged my share of sluts, and had a few LTRs along the way. I've never felt what I feel for her, and she knows that. She has met my family and friends, and everyone loves her and thinks we're perfect together. Until recently, I think she felt the same thing.
I can give a lot more details, but any thoughts are appreciated.
This is a complex problem but I will try to keep this post as short as possible. I've been in an LTR for about 8 months now. I'm 28, she's 27. We dated and slept together for about a month before making things "official".
We met online, at the time I was travelling and also seeing other girls so I took things slow. Emailed and talked for about 3 weeks just flirting, playing games, and developing a pretty sweet mental chemistry before even meeting. The day I met her, I was hooked but was able to keep my cool. I did begin to phase out my other girls though, with the idea of getting into an LTR with her as long as my initial impressions weren't proven wrong over the next few weeks. Smart, getting great grades in med school, not a slut yet very sexual, good family, similar interests, humble, etc.
Fast forward - she is a very passionate and emotional girl (Latin), so we have had our share of fights, but overall we've had a great relationship to this point. HUGE emotional, sexual, and mental chemistry. Spent a lot of time together in great environments - Bahamas twice, Vegas, Key West twice, and a couple of other vacations + generally just doing unique, cool things together.
A couple months ago I started observing that she was toning down the open affection and her sex drive was slowing down. She didn't really seem detached, just different. I brought it up and she told me that she was under massive pressure/stress due to school (3rd year med) + work + having to make hard decisions about her career and specialty that were going to affect her for the rest of her life. This seemed legit to me, she was in fact working and studying her ass off, so I told her I would be patient and we'd work through it.
I was still a little suspicious that there was something deeper going on, but I wanted to see how it would play out.
Several days ago we had a fight and she said she wanted to break up because I was putting her under so much pressure. Repeated the same things about work/school/career stressing her out and me bringing up relationship issues on top of it was just too much. I honestly didn't feel like that's what she wanted, so I basically just looked her in the eye and said that we're not breaking up, we're just gonna back it down a notch and get rid of the pressure. That I was going to be even more patient. So we made up.
Last night, I knew something was up so after dinner I made her talk about it. She broke down crying and told me that she loved me but "something" had changed and she was confused, didn't know if she could see a future for us. Her primary reason was that I don't believe in god, she does, and she would want our children to have those "values." I asked her if that was the issue, or if that was only some rationalization she was coming up with for WHY her feelings had changed. She said she wasn't sure.
She stayed over, we talked about it a little more this morning. She said the same things. She just kept crying and telling me how good I've been to her, she doesn't want to hurt me, etc. In my experience this could often mean another guy... but I have asked her about this so many times and in so many ways, and I honestly don't think this is the issue. Of course I could be wrong, but I am man enough to admit it to myself if I felt like that was it.
She did say that she knows I'm serious and want to marry her (though I have never proposed or said anything about intending to), and she's scared that things have gotten so serious when she's not sure we have the same "values" (she believes in god and would want our kids to go to church, I don't). This could be BS, but it is also a positive sign that she is viewing me that seriously, maybe this is just a temporary freak out on her part.
I could write a lot about her past, my past, and lots of other factors. I'm sure it would be useful but it would make this already long post unreadable.
The bottom line is that I feel that a break up is likely coming. I've made it clear to her that I want to be with her and work through this, that the problem is not on my end. So I feel I have three options:
1) Put her to a decision and accept it. This seems like the worst option for many reasons, especially since she is submissive and always wants me to take the lead in things, large or small. The only benefit to this option seems to be that by not pressuring or forcing her, I may find that she is just having a temporary female moment of insanity and comes back to her senses.
2) Be proactive and dump her. It's very possible that she doesn't see me as a challenge anymore, and by dumping her I turn the tables and show that I am not willing to be in an environment where I feel unappreciated, and value myself highly.
3) Don't force a decision, wait it out. As I said, this could be good if she is just responding to the extraordinary stress in strange ways. I feel like if either of us ends this relationship it would be harder to get back into it, and I want to leave options open.
I just flat out don't want to lose this girl. I don't think this is one-itis or whatever... I've banged my share of sluts, and had a few LTRs along the way. I've never felt what I feel for her, and she knows that. She has met my family and friends, and everyone loves her and thinks we're perfect together. Until recently, I think she felt the same thing.
I can give a lot more details, but any thoughts are appreciated.
