Can I save my LTR?

[cordoncordon]

Cordon,

I'm not saying that you're wrong. But what is confusing me is that she says he wants her back (which I do believe based on things i having posted) .... so why would she just do all this? I already broke up with her. What's holding her back from him unless she is actually telling me the truth?

Well logically I think that either she is lying about it, and it is really her who wants him back and he is saying no, or they are still talking about getting back together but they haven't concluded their "talking" about it yet-and until they do she wants to make sure that she still has you to fall back on.

Either way, both scenarios are extremely disrespectful towards you and the relationship, and it is something that you shouldn't have to deal with, nor want to. When this first happened I really thought it was just her trying to get over her past relationship, but this goes much deeper than that. This is those two actually talking, behind your back, about getting back together. That imo is a total dealbreaker. I think once you are able to lose some of the sadness of losing her and you are able to think more clearly, you will see what a mountain of sh1t she is piling on you. No girl in her right mind who is totally in love with you would ever risk doing this and losing you.

Think about that. You wouldn't do it to her. Why should she? At this point your mind set should be what do I have to do to move on from this and make my life better, not how do I save my LTR. She went too far. Way too far.

And btw you should be pissed off beyond belief that she actually made this a religion thing at first when it has everything to do with her ex. If she could lie about that, what else is she lying about?

 

[vatoloco]

Unfortunately, she already has had the thought of leaving you, meaning the timer counting down to the demise of the relationship had already started. It was all laid-out in the first sentence of your seventh paragraph in your OP. It was all that was needed to be known:

Several days ago we had a fight and she said she wanted to break up because I was putting her under so much pressure.

Those who picked up on that little gem gave you the correct advice. Additionally, once the ex came into the picture, that was the last nail on that coffin, confirming that in her heart, she wanted to swing back to the ex's branch.

She implored "I will do anything," promising "I will never talk to him again." That's what her mouth & brain say. However, her heart is saying "I will [pretend to] never talk to him again [in front of you. And I will continue to pretend, that is, until he takes me back OR a nicer, newer branch appears, at which time, I will leave you."]

Like I said earlier, I can't tell you what to do with you life. You seem pretty much set on what you wanna so I won't tell you what to do. I do want to present information and objective analysis so that perhaps other people can read this thread and think about their own situation. However, my wish is that we can spare you future heartache. I know I've had my fair share back in the day and it ain't pretty.

Good luck, man.

 

[HappyHarryHardon]

Cordon,

I'm not saying that you're wrong. But what is confusing me is that she says he wants her back (which I do believe based on things i having posted) .... so why would she just do all this? I already broke up with her. What's holding her back from him unless she is actually telling me the truth?

who cares about that. you're failing to look at the points of how unstable this girl is and what troubles she will give you in the future. she will be poison to you later on. you could get with her now and things will be awesome for a while but she will do something again in the future. who the fuk calls and texts that much? cries like that? she's still got some growing up to do.

 

[49au]

This is the stuff I need to hear.

Basically the only way I could ever continue in this relationship is if I saw the actual conversation (texts) between her and the ex and everything was exactly as she stated (him wanting her, her not wanting him but only trying to get closure and discuss the abortion which seems to really be bothering her).

If she can't or won't show me that, or I do see it and it is any different than her version, it's impossible for me to find any more rationalizations.

 

[mahoney]

If he wants her back wouldn't it be common sence for a person in another relationship to avoid that person? That's pretty much common sence. She hasn't avoided him from what I hear.

She's over it, and in another relationship - why should she bother avoiding anyone?

I don't avoid anyone I used to date. In fact I don't avoid anyone at all (except maybe my new boss but not much i can do about that)

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Abortion.....

That's a red flag to me.

You don't ever think about this girl having some other kid in her stomach.

 

[cordoncordon]

This is the stuff I need to hear.

Basically the only way I could ever continue in this relationship is if I saw the actual conversation (texts) between her and the ex and everything was exactly as she stated (him wanting her, her not wanting him but only trying to get closure and discuss the abortion which seems to really be bothering her).

If she can't or won't show me that, or I do see it and it is any different than her version, it's impossible for me to find any more rationalizations.

This closure BS is just that, BS. Who needs closure from getting dumped and having an abortion? Seems like two things a person would rather forget than hang onto and open back up. I mean you move on from those types of bad experiences, not go back to them. Those are just excuses she is giving you as to why she is talking to him. The truth is she wants him back.

 

[49au]

This closure BS is just that, BS. Who needs closure from getting dumped and having an abortion? Seems like two things a person would rather forget than hang onto and open back up. I mean you move on from those types of bad experiences, not go back to them. Those are just excuses she is giving you as to why she is talking to him. The truth is she wants him back.

On this point I have to disagree with you. There are 2 relationships I can think back on right now where I wonder, wtf happened? Even though I don't want to go back to them, I would like to know what caused the break up so that I could improve myself and avoid that in the future.

sometimes, people just want to hear the words, "it's not your fault."

 

[cordoncordon]

On this point I have to disagree with you. There are 2 relationships I can think back on right now where I wonder, wtf happened? Even though I don't want to go back to them, I would like to know what caused the break up so that I could improve myself and avoid that in the future.

sometimes, people just want to hear the words, "it's not your fault."

Ok, did that make you want to get back with them and put the relationship you were in at risk? Of course not. Maybe you question things when you are single and have nothing better to do, but in the midst of a 8 month ltr? DOES NOT HAPPEN. Unless you want to explore the possibility of getting back with the ex.

You need to stop rationalizing her behavior and start looking at this from a purely analytical and unbiased point of view. What she is doing is 100% harming your relationship, she knew this going in and she knows it now, and yet she is STILL DOING it. Look at her actions, not her words. I know you want to believe the best in her, and I did too at the beginning. But I'm sorry bro, this girl is bad news for you.

 

[betheman]

Ok, did that make you want to get back with them and put the relationship you were in at risk? Of course not. Maybe you question things when you are single and have nothing better to do, but in the midst of a 8 month ltr? DOES NOT HAPPEN. Unless you want to explore the possibility of getting back with the ex.

You need to stop rationalizing her behavior and start looking at this from a purely analytical and unbiased point of view. What she is doing is 100% harming your relationship, she knew this going in and she knows it now, and yet she is STILL DOING it. Look at her actions, not her words. I know you want to believe the best in her, and I did too at the beginning. But I'm sorry bro, this girl is bad news for you.

got to agree with this.
49, from reading your posts, you are in denial, Im not blasting you, not my place, your obviosuly into this girl in a big way, but its not a good way and its a lot of one way. there is to much drama, too much emotion, she isnt confused she is messed up, you cant fix it man, the ex may go away but how long before she starts to resent you for it? she just doesnt sound like somoe to invest too heavily in.
personally I think you need to dih deep, let this one go, it will be panful now but the clouds are looming on the horizon

 

[49au]

Well, it finally settled in to me that there was basically no way I could keep this relationship. The only chance was IF I read the entire convo between her and the ex and it backed her story; and IF he obviously wanted her back but she refused.

So I packed her things and took the box to her house. I didn't tell her I was coming. I left the box in the car and she let me in. She was crying and looked like she hadn't eaten in days.

I quietly told her that there was really just no way I could trust her, other than reading the conversation and seeing exactly what was said. I told her that I knew how horrible this was, but that there was just no other way. I felt so lame saying it. I fully expected her to say "no", at which time I was going to walk out, get the box, and leave forever.

She told me that she had deleted most of the conversation after our talk last night. And she took the phone for a minute and seemed to be deleting a few messages. Obviously at this point I was done.

But then she handed me the phone and let me read the convo that was left. The long and short of it was this:

He DOES want her back, bad. In the messages I read, he promised to "love you forever and never let you go", etc.

Her response was that "I let go of my ex [referring to me] but I made a mistake."

She talked about how heartbroken she was at what was happening with me and went on to explain to him that she wanted to be with me and that she was sorry for any confusion.

He made a comment about how she was "not her dad", and that immediately let me know that she felt VERY guilty about this. Her dad left her mom years ago, and to this day they don't really even speak. So her conscience was really hurting.

So despite the fact that I knew that I could in no way respect myself and continue in the relationship, I feel vindicated. I was right. She wasn't evil, or using me, or trying to "swing branches." And in the end, she chose me. Little consolation, but it's better than nothing.

I went out to my car to get the box. When I brought it in she understood what was happening. She started climbing on me, sobbing, begging, etc. I went to the door and she got in front of it and wouldn't move. She came undone in front of me.

I let her tell me how much she loved me, how sorry she was, how she would wait for me, how she would do absolutely anything to save this, etc. I then hugged her, kissed her forehead and told her that I didn't think she was a bad person, and that I loved her.

I never raised my voice, never cursed, never insulted her. She followed me downstairs to the door. She grabbed me and asked me to kiss her. I said no, turned around, and walked away. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.


I'm sure that over the next months or maybe even years, many guys in similar situations will stumble upon this thread. The advice I can give you: Trust your intuition. You know your woman better than anyone. With that said...

Sick, jaded fvcks like us always think the worst. We always assume that women are cheating, or lying, or scheming, or using. We always think that we have to carelessly toss away every single thing that doesn't mold like putty in our hands. We always say that the only thing you can believe in is yourself. We always say that ego is more important than forgiveness. This may be the best way to live; but it is no way to live.

 

[betheman]

realise one thing, had she gone back to the ex, your arse would be in the gutter quick! this girl doesnt like what your doing? = your doing it right...in this case

 

[cordoncordon]

Well you did the right thing. I know it hurts. And I am not even saying that down the line, maybe after everything has settled and if she somehow someway gets her head on straight, that perhaps you two can start over again. It doesn't sound like she was fvcking the guy again, just sounds like a lot of texting, emailing, and calling, which is bad enough I guess.

You are wrong about one thing. Where you said she wasn't trying to swing branches. That is EXACTLY what she was doing. How can you not see that?

But know this. You left this in the best way possible. She respects the hell out of you now. You remained calm, didnt call her a bunch of childish names, kept your cool and walked out like the better person. She will always think of you, for the rest of her life, as the ONE GREAT guy that got away.

Check your private messages.

 

[49au]

You are wrong about one thing. Where you said she wasn't trying to swing branches. That is EXACTLY what she was doing. How can you not see that?

He DID want her back but she ultimately decided that I was what she wanted. I believed that, and I was proven to be right today when I read the messages.

I honestly believe what she told me, that she felt guilty about feelings she had for him and they confused her so much that it made her question how she felt about me. Add the external stressors (mainly school) and suddenly she questions everything and becomes vulnerable and indecisive.

 

[cordoncordon]

He DID want her back but she ultimately decided that I was what she wanted. I believed that, and I was proven to be right today when I read the messages.

I honestly believe what she told me, that she felt guilty about feelings she had for him and they confused her so much that it made her question how she felt about me. Add the external stressors (mainly school) and suddenly she questions everything and becomes vulnerable and indecisive.

I just have to disagree there. I think if you would have kept playing it like you were before you started posting here, in other words rationalizing with her, trying to make excuses for her, saying you will be there for her no matter what, trying to "fix" her and save the relationship, BEING AN AFC, she would have branch swung to the ex very soon, if not already. 100% I believe that. Remember you yourself said she tried to break up with you last week right? But because you changed the frame and mindfreaked the fvck out of her by being preemptive and breaking up with her first, all in a calm cool and rationale way, it blew her mind away. She had no idea what to do. Her world was blown away. So she all of a sudden decided how much she really loved you after that lol. But yeah, she was branch swinging, dont think for a second she wasn't.

 

[49au]

Again I'm not saying you're wrong, but there is also the possibility that she was telling the truth and just simply wanted to resolve her feelings for him once and for all so she could commit to the next level with me without any doubts whatsoever. I realize I have a lot of egocentric reasons to think that this was the case, but I don't see how you can just write this possibility off. She loved me enough to feel like she could go deeper with me, which would involve exploring her doubts.

One of the messages I read today said something like, "I always wanted you back after we broke up. I thought that if you came back it would be a no brainer to be with you." But then immediately after that she said something like, "But I think that was wrong and I was just basing that on a memory, not reality."

Last night in our talk, I told her about a relationship I had 10 years ago (!) which was very intense, though misguided. I explained that even though with who I am now, I know this girl was not right for me, I never got closure with her and would have intense emotions if she were suddenly in the room, even though I do NOT want this girl anymore. This really affected her and I think it made her realize that having emotions about a relationship she invested two years in was NATURAL and didn't mean she didn't love and belong with me. I really believe this had a profound effect on her.

The bottom line with the branch swinging theory is that he CLEARLY wants her and is making her promises, but she clearly said in the messages that she made a mistake letting me go and told him she wanted me. That is in large part (or maybe completely?) due to the advice I received here, which I am so grateful for. What if I hadn't flipped the script on her, would she have felt this way? It honestly makes me wonder if relationships or "love" are even real.

 

[georgie24]

very very very good thread, i read every single post and i usually dont

edit:


this site needs a LTR maintanace/advice subforum??

 

[Tiguere]

very very very good thread, i read every single post and i usually dont

edit:


this site needs a LTR maintanace/advice subforum??

nop . if thats whats you are looking for then head over to loveshack or enotalone.

 

[betheman]

One of the messages I read today said something like, "I always wanted you back after we broke up. I thought that if you came back it would be a no brainer to be with you." But then immediately after that she said something like, "But I think that was wrong and I was just basing that on a memory, not reality."

she is confused becasue you are doing the right thing and NOT WHAT SHE expected you to do, she is branch swinging but its back fired and she doesnt know what to do now, she doesnt want to let you go but she keep the other guy dangling in the background too, she will get with him! you have no idea about the dialogue that has gone on between them, yeah you have sen texts ...but not al and not the convos, I wouldnt trust her as far as I could throw a truck.

 

[49au]

she is confused becasue you are doing the right thing and NOT WHAT SHE expected you to do, she is branch swinging but its back fired and she doesnt know what to do now, she doesnt want to let you go but she keep the other guy dangling in the background too, she will get with him! you have no idea about the dialogue that has gone on between them, yeah you have sen texts ...but not al and not the convos, I wouldnt trust her as far as I could throw a truck.

This is why I still left her (mentally anyway, technically we were already broken up). I am interested in seeing what she does over the next couple of months now that I have told her no but he is still telling her yes.

She told me that he told her months ago, not long after we started dating, that he wanted her back. At the time she blew him off. I totally believe that. So the question for me is, what changed that suddenly flipped the switch and made her want to explore this again? I'll probably never know. But that's the real question.