Can a nice guy change his nature?

jhonny9546

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There are people who remind me that I'm the "nice guy." Unfortunately, the traits on my face communicate this without me having to move or say anything. However, I want to stop being just a nice guy. Like many of you, I wonder why some people achieve good life results while the nice guys are there to support them.


I notice a kind of automatic reaction in my social interactions, which I believe happens to others too:

- I always smile and try to maintain a positive atmosphere.
- I'm always available for others if they come to me with their problems. Especially in a work or office environment, I have very high problem-solving capabilities and can help others in many aspects.
- I have a hard time contradicting others. I prefer to listen and don’t point out other people's mistakes. When I do, I do it with a smile or by helping them understand why it was wrong.
- I remain calm even when faced with aggressive statements or contradictory actions from others, often creating embarrassment. For example, if your boss or a woman comes to you and says, "You made a mistake; you're an idiot. This was how it had to be done. Now what do we do if we lose the customer because of you?"
- I think I am afraid to express my opinion on things for fear of exposing part of myself and giving others material to judge me on, and not because I "can't" do it.


I also notice different behaviors in those around me:

- My brother-in-law behaves poorly with my mother, yet nothing happens; everything goes back to normal.
- A friend who refutes every opinion of his employees and always does his own thing still has people who consider him a friend.
- The boss who explodes and reacts poorly when someone criticizes him still attracts people.

Then, going in the women POV, I read about how you need to trigger positive emotions in women. However, from what I see, it seems as if women are looking for something that makes them feel bad—something that repulses them—rather than positive emotions. They seem drawn to situations that create trouble.
Instead, I'm the kind of guy who can bring you positive emotions by inviting you into my life of excursions, motorcycle or bicycle riding, hunting, reading, working out, watching movies, massages, meditation, doing things like showering together, appreciatiion, and also providing "neutral" emotions like being quiet, detached, negating validation, etc.

I imagine that the "negative" emotions I see in other men's behavior—like screaming, scolding, belittling, offending, being arrogant—are not for me. But I might be wrong. Anyway, women still with those men, and their behaviour seems saying "please give me more".


I don't see those guys making new friends; they only seem to make "acquaintances." The advantage for nice guys is that they can make 1,000 new friends out of 2,000 people they encounter. Why is that?
I'm like that too! Many people want to be my friends because they see me as a "positive" person. However, especially women or businesspeople often prefer the "jerk" over the nice guy for that "homework"


So for all the nice guys out there who operate in this automatic behavior: Is this something we can learn as a habit? Can we replace our automatic "nice guy" behavior with another automatic behavior? (Like making something a habit requires doing it "x" times for "x" days.)
 

BaronOfHair

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Cliff notes answer:

-Anyone who commits to regular self-reflection and effort can modify or/and eliminate self-defeating mindsets and behaviors

-Rid yourself of the notion that this is a zero sum battle that you'll ever "win". Damned near every man has "Nice Guy" tendencies which re-emerge periodically: The process of evolving past them is lifelong, and for all anyone knows, may extend into The Hereafter as well
 

AmsterdamAssassin

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Maybe you're just attracted to women with bad judgment.

Being a nice guy is not 'natural', nor is the bully or jerk 'natural'. We're all born monsters who cry to be fed or when we're wet without caring about the sleep of our parents. A big part of your character depends on how your parents influence the next ten years in your young childhood. By challenging yourself your life experiences will help you to become more than either a pleaser or an abuser.
 
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Travel memoir21

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Your seeking the wrong type of women - Theres Old fashioned Christian women, Muslim women, Sikh women, buddhist women and women of faith who believes in a higher power who would be compatible with your personality.

You could also passport bro it and go to the many nations where a laidback traditional woman can be found.

IMG_8334.png IMG_8335.png
 
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Mike32ct

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While it’s not ideal to be a people pleaser, the nice guy does have at least strength: empathy.

It can be a useful tool as long as you learn not to let others take advantage of you or guilt trip you.

As a nice guy myself, I say keep it but make a few adjustments.

It would be very difficult to get rid of it completely and maintain the new settings permanently.
 

taiyuu_otoko

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Nice guy isn't a personality type.

It's an extremely common cope for guys who are too scared to do and say what they really want.

Read up on Nietzsche, master morality vs. slave morality.
 

jhonny9546

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Your seeking the wrong type of women
In the first instance, I want to change as a man.
A big part of your character depends on how your parents influence the next ten years in your young childhood.
That's a big part that made me into an "afraid nice guy".
Theres Old fashioned Christian women, Muslim women, Sikh women, buddhist women and women of faith who believes in a higher power who would be compatible with your personality.
Now, I wonder if this is something I can find in our western culture, since there is a fact that I love of myself: Is that I am Italian.
I just imagine you love the fact you're native of your "nation" and cutlure, like me.
It would be very difficult to get rid of it completely and maintain the new settings permanently.
So, if a nice guy have strenght in empaty, which are the other things a nice guy misses?
It's an extremely common cope for guys who are too scared to do and say what they really want.
I think so
master morality vs. slave morality
Most of the people I see here in Italy—though I don't know how it works in your country—are fake lords, but in life, they are servants. In their work, they are altruistic and serve others; even if they have subordinates working for them, they are slaves and servants to their clients (I'm talking of CEO's and Business Owners).

I also don't understand the analogy with sacrifice. Sacrifice is a necessary component for success in any environment. We must invest ourselves in something; otherwise, who will do it for us? You sacrificed a part of your life for that thing, whether it’s work, family, friendship, or a hobby.

How do you think that vision could help?
 

Peace and Quiet

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And you will be able to relax and to live your life in peace and quiet.

AmsterdamAssassin

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How do you think that vision could help?
You need to establish boundaries early on, so people know that you are not a pleaser or a doormat.
If you don't establish boundaries (and keep people to respect them), people will take advantage.
 

SW15

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A 'nice guy' can change his nature but it won't be an easy process.

Many of the better seducers out there are reformed 'nice guys'. They were raised by their mothers as beta male nice guys. These men often spent high school - some point in their early to mid 20s having bad outcomes in the sexual marketplace. It was often some combination of rejections and failed shorter or longer term relationships. In younger generations, the rejections are getting more digital from poor match rates on swipe apps. In these cases, some men will choose to do something different. They examine what's going on and then decide to consume content in any form to become more successful in attracting and retaining women. They'll read books, internet articles, and watch various internet videos to make the changes.

It's an emotionally painful process making going from a nice guy to a more red pilled or even black pilled guy.
 

jhonny9546

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You need to establish boundaries early on, so people know that you are not a pleaser or a doormat.
If you don't establish boundaries (and keep people to respect them), people will take advantage.
Do you do it like reading a contract out loud to them, or do you do it when they test or cross those boundaries?
I mean, women don't want the truth, they want lies, we know that, so how do you do this the right way?
 

AmsterdamAssassin

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Do you do it like reading a contract out loud to them, or do you do it when they test or cross those boundaries?
Neither. Just comes up in the initial conversations.
I mean, women don't want the truth, they want lies, we know that, so how do you do this the right way?
No, you don't know that. You presume to know that, based on your limited experience and the unfounded theories floating around on this forum.
 

DJ Novice

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I have been successful using the nice guy strategy when dating to ease dealing the deal. At my age (56) there’s a lot of sh*t tests and patience required.

However at some point you need to communicate s*xual interest, expectations and boundaries so the nice guy facade isn’t a long term strategy. The woman will see through it eventually.
 

jhonny9546

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Just comes up in the initial conversations.
What If you don't estabilish boundaries early, and She will test em without going over em?
The typical nice guy weaknesses are boundaries, assertiveness and initial spark or sexual attractiveness.
Look like this is not only women related.
What if you have a 5 year LTR with a woman, and you've been a nice guy till today, but since today you start acting with assertiveness and appliying boundaries?
 

AmsterdamAssassin

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What If you don't estabilish boundaries early, and She will test em without going over em?
If she comes close to boundaries hitherto unexpressed, I'd tell her she came close to a boundary.
However, that rarely happens, because women know I have boundaries, even when they're not expressed, they're still established. And if she wonders how far she can go, she'll be wise to discuss that before she attempts to find out. Most women I date are wise to that.
 

Mike32ct

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Look like this is not only women related.

Correct. It affects a guy’s entire life. I was just focusing on the women topic.

What if you have a 5 year LTR with a woman, and you've been a nice guy till today, but since today you start acting with assertiveness and appliying boundaries?
The longer you wait, the more difficult it is to become assertive and apply boundaries. If the nice guy feels resentful from being taken advantaged of for so long, it can lead to a heated argument. He can also face a lot of resistance from her because she’s so used to him giving her everything she wants.

Long term, after he applies boundaries/assertiveness, she will either respect the guy more and be more attracted to him, or it could lead to a breakup if she can’t handle the new assertive version of the guy.

Applying boundaries late is tricky and not without risk.
 
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