Broke up with my girlfriend, was this message mean?

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I know things between us haven't always been easy, and I want you to know that I've been doing some reading to understand better where you're coming from and it talks a lot about why people with an avoidant attachment style act the way they do.


you had a rough childhood, your caregivers (probably mom or dad) weren’t present or they neglected you and your needs, that made you feel like you can’t rely on anyone and had to close yourself off to protect yourself from hurting. by not allowing yourself to get emotionally attached to anyone you set up these barriers as a defense mechanism, you had to start doing this at a young age and it became engraved in your personality, it’s not your fault.


you are unable to take attachment issues seriously because you built a defensive shield of self-esteem and self-sufficiency that required negative memories and emotions to be suppressed, i’m sure you don’t remember much from your childhood or you don’t even think about it. you’re out of touch with your feelings and emotions that’s why you can’t talk about them in a meaningful way, remember all the times i’ve asked you to express yourself and you said that you don’t know what to say?



you are afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy and everytime sometimes real surfaces you distance yourself to protect yourself from feeling. i’m not sure if you remember but i told you something way back that you value your independence and i won’t try to change you.

you do that because you want to feel in control and when you begin to feel something it feels like you’re losing control. you’ve had to do this almost your whole life.



i’m not saying this to blame you it’s literally not your fault you’re like this, i have an anxious attachment style i’m the opposite of you but equally had a ****ed up childhood too. i recognize my issues and i’m working on them cause i don’t wanna be like that anymore.


when i reached out to you for assurance or intimacy you took that as a threat to your independence and had to distance yourself and go back to square one, and the more i tried to get closer the more you pushed me away, i’ve asked myself when she doesn’t just leave me why bother with leading me on just to go cold, i didn’t know why until i read that book.



you kept me around to fulfill your needs and when you felt that i was expecting more from you which required you to open up and let down your barriers you felt threatened and as saw me as needy and clingy so you used the methods that have been working for you for all these years. detachment.


i genuinely care for you man and i want the best for you. might not be now but i hope that at some day, you look at this when you genuinely want to change so you know where to start from.
 

Learning Curve

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Not sure who send this message.

You or the chick.

Please be more clear when you post here.

If it's the chick, it's clear you can't communicate with her effectively.

You stayed long enough did a-lot of ****3 ups to turn her off to the point where she didn't give a sh1t about you and left.

Insecure behaviours, chasing too much not backing-off when you need to back-off and not reading the signals on when a chick is getting distant to take the necessary action is where all guys get it wrong and they end up loosing the chick.

This is another case probably of you lacking communication skills with a women, and turning her off to the point where she does not care if you leave or not.

Share more information of what happened as this post is generic.
 
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Not sure who send this message.

You or the chick.

Please be more clear when you post here.

If it's the chick, it's clear you can't communicate with her effectively.

You stayed long enough did a-lot of ****3 ups to turn her off to the point where she didn't give a sh1t about you and left.

Insecure behaviours, chasing too much not backing-off when you need to back-off and not reading the signals on when a chick is getting distant to take the necessary action is where all guys get it wrong and they end up loosing the chick.

This is another case probably of you lacking communication skills with a women, and turning her off to the point where she does not care if you leave or not.

Share more information of what happened as this post is generic.
i wrote it to her.
i was reading some books trying to understand my attachment style and be a better for her but as i read on it showed me that there’s nothing that can be done
 
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i
I'm not even gonna read this whole post, this message is way too long for a breakup that never involved sex.
it was never about the sex for me (sure i wanted to bone her) but i genuinely wanted to be with her
 

inquisitor

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I know things between us haven't always been easy, and I want you to know that I've been doing some reading to understand better where you're coming from and it talks a lot about why people with an avoidant attachment style act the way they do.


you had a rough childhood, your caregivers (probably mom or dad) weren’t present or they neglected you and your needs, that made you feel like you can’t rely on anyone and had to close yourself off to protect yourself from hurting. by not allowing yourself to get emotionally attached to anyone you set up these barriers as a defense mechanism, you had to start doing this at a young age and it became engraved in your personality, it’s not your fault.


you are unable to take attachment issues seriously because you built a defensive shield of self-esteem and self-sufficiency that required negative memories and emotions to be suppressed, i’m sure you don’t remember much from your childhood or you don’t even think about it. you’re out of touch with your feelings and emotions that’s why you can’t talk about them in a meaningful way, remember all the times i’ve asked you to express yourself and you said that you don’t know what to say?



you are afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy and everytime sometimes real surfaces you distance yourself to protect yourself from feeling. i’m not sure if you remember but i told you something way back that you value your independence and i won’t try to change you.

you do that because you want to feel in control and when you begin to feel something it feels like you’re losing control. you’ve had to do this almost your whole life.



i’m not saying this to blame you it’s literally not your fault you’re like this, i have an anxious attachment style i’m the opposite of you but equally had a ****ed up childhood too. i recognize my issues and i’m working on them cause i don’t wanna be like that anymore.


when i reached out to you for assurance or intimacy you took that as a threat to your independence and had to distance yourself and go back to square one, and the more i tried to get closer the more you pushed me away, i’ve asked myself when she doesn’t just leave me why bother with leading me on just to go cold, i didn’t know why until i read that book.



you kept me around to fulfill your needs and when you felt that i was expecting more from you which required you to open up and let down your barriers you felt threatened and as saw me as needy and clingy so you used the methods that have been working for you for all these years. detachment.


i genuinely care for you man and i want the best for you. might not be now but i hope that at some day, you look at this when you genuinely want to change so you know where to start from.
She had a therapist, not a boyfriend.

Doesn't matter how it made her feel. So what if it's mean? Move on.
 
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She had a therapist, not a boyfriend.

Doesn't matter how it made her feel. So what if it's mean? Move on.
true. maybe i shouldn’t have said that thing about her parents or kept the whole thing to myself and moved
but maybes don’t change the past so i should face my consequences
 

Manure Spherian

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true. maybe i shouldn’t have said that thing about her parents or kept the whole thing to myself and moved
but maybes don’t change the past so i should face my consequences
Did you plan on marrying and having children with her?
 

inquisitor

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true. maybe i shouldn’t have said that thing about her parents or kept the whole thing to myself and moved
but maybes don’t change the past so i should face my consequences
Most things in life end ugly.

What are worried about/afraid of?

i feel bad. idk what to do
So don't feel bad, doesn't matter what she feels. You broke it up. Now feel the pain. Feel all the pain. Move on for as long as you want, but not so long that you revel in the pain.
 

Macadellic

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OP,
Is this your first break up?

You date enough women and you will find that when they break up with you they will not give you an explanation.

Woman think, say and feel the following:
- we do not owe men an explanation
- we do not tell them why we are breaking up with them, we do not better them it’s best to keep them in the dark
- we are not responsible for a grown man’s happiness

Therefore when I break up with women I just say the following, “I’m breaking up with you it’s over”
And that’s it, I walk

Lastly if you do say I’m breaking up with you because of A, B, and C. The woman will negotiate with promises to change A, B, and C which will result in your time wasted for she will go back to her behavior.

OP,
Have a backbone, break up (make it clear it’s over) and walk. You are not responsible for an adults feelings and you do not owe anyone anything.

A woman with experience will know what you just did, it will be all too familiar to her.
 

AmsterdamAssassin

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she’s has avoidant attachment style and i have anxious attachment style.
It would've been better if you hadn't talked about her attachment style, but just told her 'our issues stem from having different attachment styles and we would have to get rid of both of them if we'd want to have a future together'.

Or just 'we are not a match, we should find other people to match with'.
 
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y
OP,
Is this your first break up?

You date enough women and you will find that when they break up with you they will not give you an explanation.

Woman think, say and feel the following:
- we do not owe men an explanation
- we do not tell them why we are breaking up with them, we do not better them it’s best to keep them in the dark
- we are not responsible for a grown man’s happiness

Therefore when I break up with women I just say the following, “I’m breaking up with you it’s over”
And that’s it, I walk

Lastly if you do say I’m breaking up with you because of A, B, and C. The woman will negotiate with promises to change A, B, and C which will result in your time wasted for she will go back to her behavior.

OP,
Have a backbone, break up (make it clear it’s over) and walk. You are not responsible for an adults feelings and you do not owe anyone anything.

A woman with experience will know what you just did, it will be all too familiar to her.
Yes first heartbreak, it hurts. i thought i could handle it i can’t i want her back
 
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It would've been better if you hadn't talked about her attachment style, but just told her 'our issues stem from having different attachment styles and we would have to get rid of both of them if we'd want to have a future together'.

Or just 'we are not a match, we should find other people to match with'.
you’re right.
 
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With all things in life, the more you do something the better you get at it.
I don’t want to ever feel like this again, my stomach is twisting and hurting and i can feel my heart beat out of rhythm. i’ve been with many women before but this hurts so bad
 
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