Broke up w/ my girl yesterday, and you guys are the only friends I can talk to

[b305d]

The last girl I broke up with, all I felt was relief.

This time, I am miserable. Absolutely miserable. Something I didn't expect.

I told my mother about it and all she said was "lol karma".

I don't have oneitis. Not putting this girl on the pedestal.

Deep down I know it's the right thing to do.

But fvck, I feel so sad right now, my chest is throbbing.

It wasn't so bad yesterday, but I dreamt about it all last night and when I woke up this morning, the reality finally dawned and hit me like a ton of bricks.

The summary of this story if you read my other thread,

this girl is a cheating slut.

I don't think she ever cheated on me but our relationship was rotten from the core.

She's a foreign exchange student with a bf back home.

My plan was sweet and simple. Invite her to some party, **** her and maybe get a new fckbuddy.

What could possibly go wrong? lol

They always put up the usual last minute resistance. "I love my bf" etc.

I laughed on the inside at the time. "You don't know what love is".

My plan did not go as expected. I ended up falling in love with the b1tch.

We ate together, slept together, study together.
Took her on vacation to disneyworld.
Celebrate our birthday together.
We would dance to sappy music played on the iphone.
Sometimes we'd just sit there and go through a 6-pack of cider together

She was my girl and it hurts like a b1tch typing this.

She'd never let me pay for her either.

Once when I had to pay for some plan B pill, she slipped money in my hand as I was walking out the door, then ran back inside and locked it.

Anyways, deep down though, I knew this relationship was rotten from the core.
I'm a cynical bastard and I knew having anything long-term with her was a bad idea.

Well finally, her student visa expired. Those final weeks were the worst.

We had no free time because of final exams, so I'd bring her food and we'd eat together for 15 minutes.

Whenever I left, she'd always keep walking with me. So I'd tell her to go back inside and study.

Then I would cry like a fvcking b1tch alone in the car.

This girl didn't want to break up at the airport. She really thought she could wait for a year lol. I'd thought I'll play along and let her break up whenever she's ready.

The worst part was when she got through security checkpoint.
I could see her but would probably never touch her again.

So we just stood there staring at each other before I turned and walked away.

Back home, she'd text me every day or two and call every 2 weeks or once I month.

I made a point to hit up other girls but my heart just wasn't in it.

I never text her or call her first because I knew, the more effort I invested, the more it would hurt when she finally get with some other guy.

She'd always ask if I still love her and extremely paranoid of me cheating.

You probably know how the rest of the story goes.

Yesterday was the end. I had to be a man and do the right thing.

Even if I could somewhere in the future, I wasn't going to come to her country to live happily ever after.

Deep down we were extremely paranoid of each other cheating. There was no trust, everything was rotten.

It was only a matter of time before she cheated, I had to end it before that happens.

Did I do the right thing? It fvcking hurt. Even though we are DJ, aren't we allowed to feel sadness once in a while?

 

[Die Hard]

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering...

That's some sad stuff you described, I feel for you, man. But this too shall pass, you just gotta work through the hurt.
And fvck that sh!t about DJ's not being allowed to feel sadness, my man. We all have to operate within the same rules of human psychology, we're all human. When you're attached to something and it is removed, you'll feel sad. That's how human psychology works!

Being a DJ doesn't mean you can change those rules of human psychology... It means you know how to be succesful WITHIN those rules of human psychology, or be succesful DESPITE those rules! That means you don't get too attached to a girl when you already know it isn't going to work out with her in the long run. Either that, or you allow yourself to attach to her anyway and fully accept the fact that there will be sadness when she is removed.

The rules are already in place, being a DJ means making informed and calculated decisions within the rules of the game. If you know that there will be sadness in the end, then your decision to become attached to a girl was INFORMED and you accept that there will be sadness. So when the sadness finally comes, you deal with it and work through it, just like every human being has to in such a situation. There is no difference between the DJ and a "normal" human being there. The only difference is that the DJ made an informed decision (so he knows his sadness is caused by himself) instead of being the victim of "circumstances" (like some outside force caused his sadness).

But here's a little secret There's this one rule in human psychology which says a person's ability to handle adversity is strongly determined by the question whether he attributes the adversity to some outside force or attributes it to himself.
So if it really was your own conscious decision to get attached to a girl and you knew very well beforehand that it would cause you sadness in the end, then you will be a lot better at working through the sadness, opposed to some guy who believes the sadness just "happened" to him, like it was brought to him by something or someone other than HIMSELF.

Learn the rules of life, the rules of psychology, the rules of "love". If you know the rules, your decisions will be INFORMED and everything that happens to you will happen to you because you consciously CHOSE it. Knowing the rules will allow you to make the RIGHT decision and even if a decision causes you sadness, you will be able to handle it, because it was your own decision.


I don't have time to organize my thoughts and write them down in a better organized post, so I hope this all makes sense and helps you (or someone else) a bit

 

[jafyk]

Yes, it's perfectly ok for you to feel how you feel now. From everything you've written though it seems to me you are only choosing to hold on to the downsides of that relationship. You mentioned a ton of good things about the relationship you had with her. Even after she left she still kept in touch with you. Console yourself with the fact that for a period of time you had someone who loved you and whom you loved. She had to leave and there's not much control you had over it. It will always hurt initially but take it one day at a time. Start a new hobby, hit the gym, play video games, start a project, go make new friends. It gets better with time. Stop your contact with her and give yourself time to heal. It was brave of you to admit all that you did on this forum. You'll be fine. Remember one day at a time.

 

[donking]

You got to get to the point where you don't care about her but still can maintain civil contact. My ex-wife and I help each other find new dates. And she still wants me to f her sometimes lol.

 

[Dgwizdal]

Honestly you did the right thing. She was great to you so there is nothing to feel like your balls got chopped off about. She didn't drag you thru the dirt and you followed the most important rule - be willing to walk away (eventho it was sort of out of your control)

Round of applause. Forget the bullsh*t about you guys being paranoid of eachother cheating - that should be the last thing you should focus on as it never happened. Who knows, maybe her boyfriend was a lame and she thought you were 10x better. Hypergamy at its finest - doesn't sound like she ever mistreated you.

Moving forward - you knew what you were getting yourself into in the first place, you knew what you had to do to get out of it, and NOW YOU KNOW what you have to do to get over it.

 

[GotED?]

+1 Rep to DIEHARD - it always touches a part of my soul when another human being (whether DJ or not) goes out of his/her way to help another in need. That was a very nice informed reply, Diehard - and well spoken from the heart.

To the OP - I am in a somewhat dilemma as you are in, but as Diehard had said, I have made an informed decision and therefore protected myself of what could have possibly come in the future.

Similiar to your situation, I am a U.S. Federal Government employee on overseas assignment - and I am not able to stay in Europe unlimited but there are specific number of years and extension I can make every 2 years after the first 5 year. I am currently in my 4th year so that means I may have to head back to the States in another 12 months.

So how do you create LTR in my situation? Very difficult indeed... don't have a problem getting women here in Europe - in fact, quite fascinating and amazing varieties here, I never want to go back to the States if I don't have to.

Recently I let go of a French GF I was in a LTR with for over 1 year - I suppose I pre-empted the strike to do so because I told her I was not sure if I am able to stay in Europe in the near future due to my job and she will never be able to go back to the States with me as a French citizen unless I marry her (fock that!). I did not invest in her 100% emotionally and knew the consequences to pay one day if I had to leave Europe.

She was a real sweet girl - but not without her share of focked up issues which made it a bit easier to kill the LTR. But going back to what DieHard said, I consciously chose the LTR and informed her along the way of what could happen one day if I had to leave Europe. So when things started to go bad in the past few months, I decided to kill the relationship and force her to move on.

Was it easy? No - even though she was just a HB6 or 6.5, I connected with her as a human being much deeper than other women in the past or afterwards who are much more attractive physically. I have learned that physical attraction means sh!t. Even though I am 41, I am still learning about life and that when you do make a deep connection with a woman, it is a rare commodity as you have realized.

So I did have plans to get over my French GF after she left my world - I had a couple of 'backup' women that I knew I could start dating and I did. These were both HB8+ and very hot ladies - but they were worthless in the end after going out with each of them up the 3rd date.

In the end, my attempt to get over my first French GF resulted in me having to get over 2 other mini-breakups since after 3 dates with each of these other women, I got to know them quite a bit as I spend about 4-12 hours on each date with them each time.

Sure, I had invested a bit of hope and emotional connection with these dates who I thought would serve my purpose of as a 'Rebound' distraction to get over my LTR. I had expected this and was informed of my own decision to do so. But they didn't work out. So I paid the price and had to NEXT all the women in my life at this time because they each had their own faults I wasn't willing to accept.

So it is all right to FEEL DEEPLY about someone you care about - in fact I personally believe life is without purpose if you can not feel the amazing range of emotions; the deep important ones that a lot of men on here try to hard to avoid and act all tough on the outside but they have just been butt hurt in the past and had their arse kicked instead (and talk sh!t all day here LOL)

Be glad you were able to EXPERIENCE such an amazing connection - and believe also that what is meant for you in life, will never pass you by. So what is meant to be will happen, and what's not will never happen. Therefore let go of all worries and anxiety (including sadness - as much as you can, it will pass with time). Find other women to distract you - although you may have to put up with mini-dissapointments like me in the end of it all. Learn from what this woman has taught you - every person that you meet and become intimate with, serves a purpose as teacher and student to you.

But life is about learning from what you have felt emotionally - this is the hardest lesson for us human beings. Our emotional journey is a difficult one, for not just men, but human beings. What do you think 100% of the topics on this board is talking about? Our emotions - or avoiding them mostly LOL....

Be well.

Exodus

 

[SmooveMooves]

Im happy to see the support Op has gotten here, I was expecting to see some toxic BS about how he shouldn't feel the way he does.

Maybe SS isn't doomed afterall

I agree with everyone else, we've all been there. Even if you maintain a perfect frame, have a perfect relationship, and be totally devoid of oneitis there's still suffering in ending a relationship. When you deal with someone as so you develop an emotional attachment. No longer having what you have became attached to is tough, as time goes on it gets better. You have not our pity Op but our compassion and empathy.
Dust your self off
Go buy some new clothes
Get back on the horse
And stay strong my friend
-Smoove

 

[b305d]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

I send her a final letter explaining everything to give myself and give her some closure.

There's no point in playing cool to get an ego trip. We're never getting back together and probably will never see each other again.

I wanted to say everything so I could stop talking to her in my head and move on cleanly with no regrets.

At the end of the day, I can't help but wonder what life would be like together.
At best probably not as great as I fantasize and at worst, it could have been a living nightmare.

She was the first girl that gave me that MDMA-esque, magical kind of love.
You guys know what I mean. Even we are not immune from that.

I gotta say though, the older I get and the more relationship experience gained, the more I respect those married guys, especially the ones who got cheated on.
It's much more than I can learn by myself and I'm glad to have this forum.

Now, it's time to keep on working toward that goal of getting rich!!

 

[Don_Dom]

Sincerely feel for you OP.

For the benefit of the discussion....We preach a lot here about avoiding LTRs because most people aren't LTR material, and it likely will involve monogomy (as a real LTR should) which means you can't spin plates. That's a deadly combination because it means that a guy, presumably a guy inexperienced enough with women to seek help with it from strangers on the internet, is put in a situation where he is with a person he, statistically, shouldn't be but is also at his most vulnerable to that person, all problems, and all manipulation intentional or unintentional that she brings with her. Most guys will fvck anything that moves that isn't outright disgusting. An inexperienced guy who lands one that is even remotely hot is a sitting duck for winding up in a relationship with her no matter how low quality or crazy she is. So, as a general rule, LTRs are a bad idea in most cases, particularly fot the inexperienced and forget about marriage...surviving and getting out of a bad relstionship is bad enough...a bad divorce can literally ruin your life.

So thats the reasoning behind the party line, as I've come to see it. But we all know that there are relationships worth having. And we all know that most of us will chance one with a really good one that we know won't work, and why it won't work, but if the rest of it rings our bell we just have to give it a shot. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Life is for living, not regretting missed opportunities. You can't wait around for perfection.

The difference between your situation and the majority of other poor bastards out there is you went into it knowing where the problems were and acknowledged them as problems that would eventually have to be addressed and would likely end your relationship. An AFC would see the problems, get laid, ignore them, get attached to getting laid, ignore them even more, fall in love, indulge all kinds of crazy BS that he should have seen coming, then act gobsmacked when the whole thing ends in disaster. Then we have the 5729th post from a guy asking how he can get his bipolar married coworker that dumped him back because texting her 30 times a day and crying on the phone with her isn't working.

Sounds like you went into this with a full understanding of what would eventually happen. And you know how to minimize the damage now that it's over. It's not about everything being perfect. It's about living life in as healthy a way possible. Every upside brings downsides. It's how you handle them that makes the difference. It's going to suck for a while, but that's part of it. It will pass.

And yes, the dreams are the worst.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Julian]

OP i went through the same type of thing...i took a girl from her BF...we had extreme distrust which let to REAL distrust and ****ing up (on my part). I ****ed her over big time..I blew it homie. Oh well. **** it. Still got love for her ass but whats done is done. Your story had parallels to mine..good luck man it gets better

 

[VladPatton]

Yeah man, but you did it with your own hands. You knew from day 1 she had a bf and that she'd be returning to him some day. You made a choice to get hurt from the beginning. There was warning and ample time for you to make a decision to avoid all of this. Now, she gets to go back and get railed by her bf while you sit there and ache. Not really a good deal. I hope next time you will make a better decision.

 

[b305d]

Dom_Dom

You're bringing up a good point here.

It's really easy to get sucked into a false reality.

Before this girl came along, I was working out and feeling great even with being single and not getting laid on a daily basis.

After you get into a LTR, it's easy to get lazy and become complacent.

I stopped working out. LTR will suck all the testosterone out of a man. Making you more and more emotional and eventually you get sucked into their reality.

You guys all know about the betaization curve.

This girl is the kind of girl that loves alpha good-looking guys. The hypergamy is strongest with these types of cheating sluts. She even told me that only sluts care about how good-looking a guy is.

Things started going downhill eventually. The betaization curve was coming on full-force.

SS is my prophet. SS is right.

It's extremely difficult maintaining your frame once you're immersed in this reality.

Finally, the old guy in me just resurfaced, snapped and dump the girl. Then took her back a day later lol.

That really hit the reset button, but the betaization curve came back quicker than before.

I always had a comptempt for guys who're whipped in LTR, but now I sympathized.

In the final days, I just let her have her way and chuckled at every argument. I wanted to end on good terms.

Now, months later, that old guy is still not completely awake, but he's getting stronger everyday.

The day he completely reawaken is when I'm finally over.

It's really similar to when you're under the influece of some euphoric drug.
It saps your strength every day and you start bending to its will.
Eventually your old personality is completely mangled.

Many occasion when I used prescription stimulants to get work done.
The crash was horrifying. The sadness is soul-shattering.

But I have a safeguard logic in place, always saying "It's just neurochemistry. It will be all over soon."

With drugs it might take a day, but with LTR, it might take much longer to feel better. While you're in that reality though, you see everything in a different way,
a much more emotional way that leaves you feeling weak and helpless.

This must be how women and some guys feel all the time.

I'm taking creatine daily to raise my DHT level. Androgen receptors in the brain are much much more sensitive to DHT than testosterone.

It helps speed up the process of reawakening that old silent alpha personality that was there before.

It will be a great day when that old reality sets back in because right now I'm feeling sapped of my strength.

LTR is definitely not something to be messed with.
Every guy overestimate how much he can resist the influence until he comes across that one girl. I've seen some long-time poster on this forum go completely against there own advice.

 

[b305d]

Yeah man, but you did it with your own hands. You knew from day 1 she had a bf and that she'd be returning to him some day. You made a choice to get hurt from the beginning. There was warning and ample time for you to make a decision to avoid all of this. Now, she gets to go back and get railed by her bf while you sit there and ache. Not really a good deal. I hope next time you will make a better decision.

I'm definitely sure she didn't go back to her old bf. I made her break up with him.
Partly because I felt bad for the guy. She had cheated on him before with someone else. She cheats on a good many of her bf. There's reason why I'm always wary of her.

Initially, her plan was to have fun and go back to the guy. He's the beta provider type apparently, goes to a famous university with a lot of future, very nice and says he'll always love her and wait for her even if she messes around with some other guy. And he definitely knows that she cheated on him in America.

Classic story of hypergamy. I'm sure one day she'll marry some rich salaryman that has no idea about her sex history.

Anyways, doesn't matter anymore who she's getting railed by. I washed my hands clean. Even when I say this the thought still ache, but I trust SS advice. It will get better with time.

 

[marmel75]

Go listen to the song "Gotta let a Ho be a Ho" by the Geto Boyz and read these lyrics over and over and over again:

"there seems to be a lot of motha f*ckers blind to the fact
that a ho is gonna be just that
and this type of ignorance is the very
reason why so many niggas in the goddamned cemetary
inteligence is on call
you dont treat a ho like a queen who behaves lika a dog
are you the type who wont put a ho in front of a trigger
then youre a ho assed nigga
goddamned hound
pound for pound
you knew the ho when she was f*cking the whole town
she f*cked you and gave your buddies a blow
but your trick @ss fell in love with the ho
tried to change her make her be an angel
you keep putting your damn life in danger
fronting niggas about that slutty @ss trifling crow
you gotta let a ho be a ho

shes a ho, D how the f*ck you know
every time i see the ho shes with a new negro
shes the type of ho thats bound
to wear shorts up her ass when your friends come around
shes the kinda ho that'll make you cry
the kinda ho you have to call before you come by
so why do you wanna kill when she says no more
you aint the first to be dumped by a goddamned wh0re
crazy mother f*ckers fighting over hoes
stealing for their asses and jumping out of windows
if a ho wants out i let her stinky ass go
cos ima let a ho be a ho

i f*cked that ho before you even knew her
made her p*ssy go brrrrr when i stuck my d!ck to her
i knew she was a ho the first time i met her
so i got another ho and took them to the other level of the game
got them high as a kite
and f*cked both of those hoes that goddamned night
then i sat back and relaxed
as they 69ed and ate each others cats
i dropped tham off at home
god damn look at this sh!t my wallets gone
the hoes beat me but i left it alone
and used that sh!t as a stepping stone
i played it off the next time i saw the ho
i just laughed and f*cked her ass some more
she licked my ass and sucked my balls
and if i see her right now i can get some more
you gotta let a ho be a ho"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlu6pQiRHwc

 

[IndeedSir]

It is very difficult to ignore those emotions when they come up. It happened to me, started seeing a 22 yo HB7, FWB. We got along well and I didn't really see LTR potential so everything went great. Was on top of my game, having a lot of fun. About a month and a half in I noticed some red flags, then I realised I'd fallen for her and reverted back to AFC without noticing. Too much texting, too much time together etc. Had basically been treating her as an LTR and had assumed she felt the same because she was reciprocating. So very wrong I was. Of course she was seeing other guys, that was the deal. While she hadn't done anything wrong I was hurt. I just ended it then and there. She cried, wanted to keep seeing me but it was never going to work. Sometimes that **** happens. The way I look at it, it was great while it was lasted. At the end of the day, you're never really immune to emotions and sometimes you put yourself into situations without really thinking it through because there's a pretty face in front of you.

You did the right thing. Don't get down about it. Many a good relationships will end due to circumstance. Now get back out there into the soul sucking pit that is women theses days. Ughhh.. where are the good ones hiding?

 

[GotED?]

Guys,

The Primary Directive of this site in 'Being able to always walk away from any woman at anytime' is really an indirect DJ skill aimed at protecting your heart and emotions always with women. Never invest more than she does. We men do have emotions - and very deep ones, that we are often afraid to admit.

Heed this and we will turn out all right in the end (oh yeah, maybe AVOID women with BFs too... LOL - not just bad as a principal of being a DJ, but as a human being)

Also look back at history of human kind, how societies have fell because of a man's AFC affection for a woman: Helen of Troy, Cleopatra of Egypt. If it destroys a civilization, we recognize giving us some latitude in understanding the power that women have over men emotionally is a large part of learning to become a man.

This is one of the most 'real' and 'honest' thread on SS since I've joined - without trolling BS.

Be well.

Exodus

 

[abe0]

To the OP....I do not have much to add than what has been already said. I all have to say is we are all humans ....we are not machines. We have feelings, emotions, and hearts. I feel for you as human being ...its a loss and it hurts.
As to those who have responded...I am proud of this thread and the way it has been handled. Nobody should beat up a man when he is already down....and I am glad nobody did that.
Abe