Hey Huffman,
I'm very glad to hear that you're getting away from theory. Actually, I don't think there's anything wrong with theories - I just think that most of the theories on this board are misleading, limited, or just plain wrong.
Anyway, I worry a bit that your expectations are unrealistic. I don't think your goal should be to "rock everything". And I don't think the goal should be to "become fun". For years I tried to be fun all the time and it just made me miserable and inauthentic.
What people really want, in my opinion, is someone who is authentic/honest and emotionally mature. Being authentic alone isn't enough. If you say what's on your mind, but it's not mature (calling people ugly, stupid, fat etc.), it's unpleasant. Being mature without being authentic is just boring.
To put it another way, I think you want to speak your mind, and also learn to express yourself effectively. You will get what you want and, if you get really good at this, you will be able to criticize and set limits and ask for things and rarely offend anyone.
So the focus is on being authentic and effective.
Let me give you some examples.
1.) The other day I went to a party and I was exhausted and in a bad mood. Did I try to play off like I was in a great mood? Did I try to "become fun"? Hell no - people would sniff my inauthenticity right away. No, I told them I was in a bad mood but that bad moods are often really important signs of growth. lol
I was sad and honest about it, but also uplifting. Strangers were listening to me, taking time to invest in my well-being, and I soon felt much better. I had a great time at the party and didn't need to pretend I was Mr. Happy-go-lucky. They liked the opportunity to help me and be appreciated for their wisdom.
Another example: my parents got divorced last year. I basically decided that I wasn't going to hide it, I was going to talk about divorce whenever I felt like it, but in a mature way. I would tell people in the elevator, on the bus, on the street, but I would do it in such a mature way that it hooked people and they really got interested in me.
I started with some other small-talk and then change the topic to divorce when I felt like it. I would talk about how this divorce was great for my parents and tell them I was trying to understand why I wished they would stay together anyway. I would tell the strangers whatever was on my mind, for instance that the divorce made me afraid I wouldn't be able to have a successful marriage someday.
As you can see, I was honest, but without self-pity, and I made my problems interesting to listen to and relatable. Almost every stranger would start talking about their parents and relate to me on a deep level. Keep in mind, this was not a technique, this was just me expressing myself openly and maturely. People appreciated my candor, and really taught me a lot.
Let me contrast honest and mature (above) with honest and immature. I could have said "my parents are getting divorced, oh poor, powerless me! I'm the only one in the world who has this problem. I just don't understand why life is worth living. We suffer and then we die. What's the point? I wish I could just die right now."
For some people, that might be honest. But it's probably not interesting to hear, and definitely not emotionally mature. Strangers would run away from this kind of talk.
I was down and I treated the whole world as my counselor - and demonstrated emotional maturity AND picked up chicks in the process
How awesome is that? That's why I can't believe these guys who don't call a girl if they're in a bad mood.
I have learned to be a very attractive person, whatever my mood.
Example 3: I went to a party and I was in a great mood. I felt on top of the world, so excited about this fete. (See you always need to mix it up, that's another key to being honest
). I brought some of my best friends, who really mismatched with the people at this party. It was really fun to introduce them to people and sort of disappear, then watch them completely not understand the other person, but then sort of get along. It's hard to explain.
I think I'm fascinated by the chemistry different people have. I love mixing and matching people, and seeing how they bounce off each other. (I'm starting to understand why some people love "setting up" their friends!)
Anyway, I was picking up ladies with just as much ease when I'm up as when I'm down. I really appreciated meeting these two friends who live in my neighborhood. And just like when I was down, all I did was speak openly about how I feel - in general and about them - and focus on being honest and interesting and mature.
In short, I think you should stop focusing on being fun to other people. You're selling yourself out. Focus on being fun for yourself. If other people don't like YOUR fun, they're not worth impressing.
People who are worthwhile will always love your way of having fun.
Learn to always be honest and interesting - that way your will enjoy pretty much every social setting. Why? Because it always feels good to speak your mind.
So long as you care what idiots think, you're always going to act like an idiot. So long as you want everyone to love you and to be the life of the party, you're always going to be inauthentic.
I know many believe it's "alpha" to dominate parties - but many people here are insecure and jealous of people they don't understand, and don't truly want to emulate.
The goal isn't to have everybody think you're awesome. That's just insecurity. Once I learned that I'm awesome, I didn't need to blow everybody away anymore. The goal is to have your own kind of fun, and attract people who share it. For instance, I'm not a huge fan of bars and clubs, so I don't go. I find people who love dinner parties, making music, walking, biking, talking, cooking, fixing, singing, snowball fights, sports.
Also, focus on being authentic and interesting. Other people can be unbearably dull. But at the least, you can talk about what's on your mind, bounce ideas off people - no matter who you're talking to, not matter how boring they are.
You'd be surprised the insights that incompatible people can give you.
And finally, a lot of people are just emotionally repressed. Many people need to learn how to express their negative emotions before they can fully feel, and fully share their positive emotions.
I can tell you that I used to be painfully shy. Now I'm bordering on annoyingly outgoing. I just talk to everybody, because I love feeling like I live in a community where people talk to and care about each other.
Hope this helps.
Izza
