BPD ex.... 3 months out - need some advice

[jaygreenb]

I'm the OP. Just curious if this is what is considered a hoover? I am feeding her brothers dog this weekend because he is camping for the weekend. I'm pretty sure she would know this. So I go over there yesterday and the dog is gone. She is the only one who would take him, niether one of us have contacted each other in months, although I did run into her at the liquor store a few weeks ago. I know she has been seeing someone for the past month or so. So anyway I text her before I start searching for this dog.

Meid you take jill?
herops, yeah....please don't tell my brother!!!
Me: you got it
Herhew! thx! I owe you a drink for that

Anyway, I am probably just overanalyzing this, but my gut tells me she did it on purpose and I know how sneaky these ####'s can be.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

The on/off for over a year completely broke my confidence and self esteem to the point I knew this girl was going to ruin me if I stayed with her.

Remember saying this? Sounds like sending her a text was an excuse to interact with her--why not text her brother directly? Clearly you wanted a reason to interact with her, but now she's back in your mind again.

Just be careful that's all I'm saying. Considering your past relationship with her family and her brother being one of your good friends, you're not in an easy place--going no contact is impossible in some ways as I'm sure via other family members she is aware of what's going on in your life.

It just seems to me, a total 3rd party who only knows what you said here--that you should avoid these beer requests, etc, unless you feel confident you can resist getting yourself sucked back into whatever games/circles you were caught in. Some people can do this--I am a sap and fall easily so I always really struggle in this regard.

Hang in there man, text another lady instead nxt time, I am sure it is impossible to disconnect from everything you've been through the feelings might still be fresh and she may be addictive in some ways--but with time things will keep fading. You are in a tough spot, hang in there buddy, try to bond with other women to create something new.

I struggle with letting go a great deal myself.

 

[pennsteric]

Advice / Am I stuck in this forever?

I dated the receptionist at my small office (~15 people) for about 3-4 months, where 2 months of it was a complete disaster with a self aware BPD chic (although she did not tell me until after we broke in a failed hoover manuever).

Last out of work contact was mid July, but see her most days at work. First 2 months we hardly talked and she was intentionally avoiding me. Then late Sept/early Oct she acted 'normal' towards me for the most part, and I have been cordial back.

However she is dating another guy at work who now ignores/treats me much differently than in the past so I suspect she is spreading lies/etc. about me at least to him and probably a few others. Making this really uncomfortable.

Been depressed, have sleep issues, self esteem shot to 0, affecting work significantly. Seems like I am struggling to keep job, friends, etc.

This is all despite having a great family, a VERY understanding girlfriend (which there was overlap with the BPD), and some therapy...

Amazing what these BPD chics can do to a guy....You think it wise to discuss anything with the other dude at work?

 

[TonyBaloney]

Hey buddy,

My sincere condolences on your situation; i think all the other contributors to bpd threads will understand and sympathise with what your going through; I most certainly can!

I would most definately find very very sublime techniques for casing this guy out. Perhaps a general chat mundane chat about the weather to him, could be turned around to something like "Hows it going with Kate? Cool that you guys got together. Shes a geat gal, aint she! Full of fun" that could illicit a response from him saying"what do you mean" u could be like "hang on man, are u ok? Why the negative response.....thought it all ended good with her, is she pissed off at me or something????"

Good luck bro - keep posting to the boad REGULARLY....seems like you could do with BROSUPPORT!!!!!!

 

[jaygreenb]

Hey bud, I am the OP for this thread. I can promise you it absolutely gets better as long as you take the proper steps. I thought about giving an update a while back in gratitude for all the help that was given to me. I can honestly tell you that this will be a positive experience if you treat it the right way. I went on a massive self improvement kick from the begining. The first few months I still felt horrible and obsessed but kept doing the right things even when I didn't feel up to it, eventually all of this comes together and you are a better person. A few of the posters comments really stuck with me, Brad and SoSuave especially.

As for talking to that guy, don't even feed it any attention at all. Who cares what this girl thinks/does/says, she is a miserable c*nt and will always be that way. Treat her like the plague, avoid her or anything that you associate with her at all costs especially while you are healing.

I did a number of things to get over her and improve my life, if you want I can fill you in on what helped me. Just let me know

 

[Wingedsig]

All I can say is this is a very lengthy process.Shari Screibers site, along with extensive counseling sessions to assess why you are seeking out that kind of dysfunction to begin with.It likely roots back to childhood and your family.Become aware of it, and the flags to those kind of individuals in the future.I also had a trainer for the first few months to box and beat the **** out of to get my aggression out.3.5 years later I am largely back to normal, but regress a bit now and then.I am very gun shy on new relationships.All in due time.

 

[Johnny Alias]

Bumping this thread. Peak are you still out there? Can you e-mail me PDF? I can't seem to privately message you as I don't have the rights?

 

[dg2175]

Wow, two borderlines later and over 4 years since the last post. Just want to say how much I derived from reading this thread and how many times I return to it for clarity and sanity. Hope everyone here has found peace and love. What a great resource here. Wish this thread would continue...be careful of the counterfeit hearts and demon souls out there waiting to pounce.

 

[MasterAce]

Top thread. I'm 8 weeks NC from that mind-f*cking witch. I've never felt guilt like I did when she ended it. I lost 10 kilos, and transformed from a confident, secure, ****y, care-free, ladies' man before meeting her, into a quivering wreck.

And one of the most laughable things since learning about this disorder? It’s that all the things I was guilty about (refusing to cave into her endless demands to marry and live with her, being cold and distant, not truly falling in love etc) was the probable reason she stuck with me for 4 years.

I now know if I had have been the total opposite, she'd still have destroyed with consequences that don’t bear thinking about. She only ended it because she was convinced I was going to. I wasn't. We were LDR - perfect for pwBPD - and perfect for me who has no time for full on commitments. She was stunning, did all the travelling, treated me like a king, top kinky porno-sex on tap, perfect body, perfect company (I love my own company, damn she was good at mirroring) endless gifts, a deep love I couldn’t even begin to comprehend, so much affection, why would I give that up?

And then in my FOG post B/U, I thought I must be crazy to not be able to fall in love and treat this woman in the way she treated me. When she ended it and let me know why, I was sure I was the incarnation of evil. And this was despite her making damn sure I was aware that she was dating a new guy within days.

My family had never seen me this way over a B/U. I was a guilt ridden mess, overcome by fear, panic and depression.

I eventually spoke to a psychotherapist who was more interested in her than me. It all became evident, the therapist was an expert in BPD, and all the red flags I propelled deep into my subconscious and, consequentially ignored, came flooding out. I’d been dating a high functioning BPD waif.

I didn't fall for her because she is sick. And this is a disorder which only proves to be more terrifying when you learn more about it. But her BPD traits were always in the back of my mind and acted as an unconscious defence mechanism. I could have done as she asked, moved to her country, got married, and sooner or later I'd have ended up a homeless, jobless, suicide case in a foreign country.

It doesn't matter if you're alpha, beta, narc, blah blah; these people are the devil and WILL destroy you. And I'm one of the 'lucky' ones. I now have zero confidence, have no interest in seeing other girls and am living like a hermit.

I know I'll recover one day, but let this be a lesson to any of you reading. When you witness some of the BPD traits, DO NOT IGNORE THEM, just get the f*ck out ASAP. They truly are emotional vampires.

I’m not even going to go into how she was when splitting, mirroring, manipulating, raging and so forth. It still makes me shudder. And you know what's truly f*cked up? I'd still take her back! That's how crazy they make you. And I'll only recover when the addiction finally ends. And only full NC forever will achieve that.

 

[BeTheChange]

Top thread. I'm 8 weeks NC from that mind-f*cking witch. I've never felt guilt like I did when she ended it. I lost 10 kilos, and transformed from a confident, secure, ****y, care-free, ladies' man before meeting her, into a quivering wreck.

And one of the most laughable things since learning about this disorder? It’s that all the things I was guilty about (refusing to cave into her endless demands to marry and live with her, being cold and distant, not truly falling in love etc) was the probable reason she stuck with me for 4 years.

I now know if I had have been the total opposite, she'd still have destroyed with consequences that don’t bear thinking about. She only ended it because she was convinced I was going to. I wasn't. We were LDR - perfect for pwBPD - and perfect for me who has no time for full on commitments. She was stunning, did all the travelling, treated me like a king, top kinky porno-sex on tap, perfect body, perfect company (I love my own company, damn she was good at mirroring) endless gifts, a deep love I couldn’t even begin to comprehend, so much affection, why would I give that up?

And then in my FOG post B/U, I thought I must be crazy to not be able to fall in love and treat this woman in the way she treated me. When she ended it and let me know why, I was sure I was the incarnation of evil. And this was despite her making damn sure I was aware that she was dating a new guy within days.

My family had never seen me this way over a B/U. I was a guilt ridden mess, overcome by fear, panic and depression.

I eventually spoke to a psychotherapist who was more interested in her than me. It all became evident, the therapist was an expert in BPD, and all the red flags I propelled deep into my subconscious and, consequentially ignored, came flooding out. I’d been dating a high functioning BPD waif.

I didn't fall for her because she is sick. And this is a disorder which only proves to be more terrifying when you learn more about it. But her BPD traits were always in the back of my mind and acted as an unconscious defence mechanism. I could have done as she asked, moved to her country, got married, and sooner or later I'd have ended up a homeless, jobless, suicide case in a foreign country.

It doesn't matter if you're alpha, beta, narc, blah blah; these people are the devil and WILL destroy you. And I'm one of the 'lucky' ones. I now have zero confidence, have no interest in seeing other girls and am living like a hermit.

I know I'll recover one day, but let this be a lesson to any of you reading. When you witness some of the BPD traits, DO NOT IGNORE THEM, just get the f*ck out ASAP. They truly are emotional vampires.

I’m not even going to go into how she was when splitting, mirroring, manipulating, raging and so forth. It still makes me shudder. And you know what's truly f*cked up? I'd still take her back! That's how crazy they make you. And I'll only recover when the addiction finally ends. And only full NC forever will achieve that.

Mate keep it up.

I look back at the position I was in June/July and it shocks me. If you're unaware of their nature these BPDs can destroy even the most alpha men.

Live and learn and know that eventually you will be fine and much stronger having been through this experience. When you deal with other women's games they will be laughable in comparison to what you've been through and it will give you an air of complete amused mastery. The last few months is probably the worst you will ever feel in your life but you had to go through it to become the man that cannot be broken. Robocop.

 

[Mikeman123]

i dunno guys i just got wrecked by my ex bpd gf, she broke up with me 6 weeks ago and i still cry like a baby every day and honestly don't think i'm going to make it through this, the love(real or not), appreciation, adoration, and passion i felt during the idealization phase blew my mind, i have never felt more alive, more purposeful, everything in my life finally made sense and seemed worth it, i've never felt like that in my life ever ever ever and doubt i ever will again

i almost broke up with her twice cuz of her being cold and constantly pulling away and saying some really
hurtful **** to me, every time i did she cried and begged me to take her back and she would go to therapy with me and all this and i did take her back both times, then one day we have a fight cuz her ex husband was crazy and she always fukin stood up for him which drove me nuts, and she ended it bam, right out of the blue and turned on me overnight and said some incredibly brutal **** to me

we were going to get married in a year, she was tried multiple times to get me to take the condom off and get her pregnant and she even wore a fake wedding ring for me and called herself my fiancé and i wasn't the most amazing guy she had ever been with, her soul mate her twin flame her everything she has never felt like this about another human being blah blah blah

fuking gutwrenchinly heart crushing how they can just flip on u overnight and she had a new bf within 4 weeks and is posting **** with him and her all over her facebook (i don't look but my friends told me) she's been nc since she ended it with me and i've been nc with her since she did too and it's taking everything inside me to not call her and beg for her back, i fuking loved this woman so much i would have done anything for her :/

fml how do i even move forward from this i just don't see a way or a future...

 

[BeTheChange]

i dunno guys i just got wrecked by my ex bpd gf, she broke up with me 6 weeks ago and i still cry like a baby every day and honestly don't think i'm going to make it through this, the love(real or not), appreciation, adoration, and passion i felt during the idealization phase blew my mind, i have never felt more alive, more purposeful, everything in my life finally made sense and seemed worth it, i've never felt like that in my life ever ever ever and doubt i ever will again

i almost broke up with her twice cuz of her being cold and constantly pulling away and saying some really
hurtful **** to me, every time i did she cried and begged me to take her back and she would go to therapy with me and all this and i did take her back both times, then one day we have a fight cuz her ex husband was crazy and she always fukin stood up for him which drove me nuts, and she ended it bam, right out of the blue and turned on me overnight and said some incredibly brutal **** to me

we were going to get married in a year, she was tried multiple times to get me to take the condom off and get her pregnant and she even wore a fake wedding ring for me and called herself my fiancé and i wasn't the most amazing guy she had ever been with, her soul mate her twin flame her everything she has never felt like this about another human being blah blah blah

fuking gutwrenchinly heart crushing how they can just flip on u overnight and she had a new bf within 4 weeks and is posting **** with him and her all over her facebook (i don't look but my friends told me) she's been nc since she ended it with me and i've been nc with her since she did too and it's taking everything inside me to not call her and beg for her back, i fuking loved this woman so much i would have done anything for her :/

fml how do i even move forward from this i just don't see a way or a future...

I feel you man. Being painted black is probably the most brutal psychological journey one can go through in the realm of dating.The cognitive dissonance one experiences in this discard phase is fvcking brutal. Don't try too hard to understand her. Just accept that you are not dealing with a psychologically healthy individual. Rather a child who has not learnt to deal with regulating her emotions.

 

[Mikeman123]

can i please talk to someone on here please guys, i'm barley making it day to day and no one understands what this is like all my friends and family just don't get it they are like move on and keep busy, i can barely make it through a day with my own thoughts about her, i need to talk to someone who understands how it feels to be with a woman like this

fml

 

[wolf]

can i please talk to someone on here please guys, i'm barley making it day to day and no one understands what this is like all my friends and family just don't get it they are like move on and keep busy, i can barely make it through a day with my own thoughts about her, i need to talk to someone who understands how it feels to be with a woman like this

fml

Fire away

 

[stovepipe]

can i please talk to someone on here please guys, i'm barley making it day to day and no one understands what this is like all my friends and family just don't get it they are like move on and keep busy, i can barely make it through a day with my own thoughts about her, i need to talk to someone who understands how it feels to be with a woman like this

fml

This guy is one of the best in the country when it comes to BPD sloots. Watch as many as you can. It will help you understand what happened and in turn ease the pain just a little. You can pm me if you'd like.

 

[Billtx49]

You sound like she ate you up and spit you out. Not an unfamiliar occurance on this forum from men having had a serious encounter with one of these women.
If you can't weather this storm by staying busy and allowing time to take its healing course, then seek out psych therapy of some type. Sounds to me like you may be suffering ptsd from severe emotional trauma.
The first step comes in realizing the type of woman you dealt with, and that she's not the normal woman you thought she was at first.

 

[wolf]

This guy is one of the best in the country when it comes to BPD sloots. Watch as many as you can. It will help you understand what happened and in turn ease the pain just a little. You can pm me if you'd like.

Can confirm. I bought his book The Human Magnet syndrome a few weeks after I walked away from bpd/npd ex and realised she was most like just thst after I googled everything she did.

 

[wolf]

You most likely have CPTSD. Your friends and family can't help you. Your family unit is most likely sick in some way and most likely has alot to do with why you are the way you are.

As for your friends.. well you chose them as friends based on what you have in common and how you think. Your friends are most likely what many on here would describe as ' blue pill'. It's not their fault that they can't help you as I am sure they all want to see you happy but they just won't be able to understand you. Once you have been through this crap then I guarantee that you will drift away from these people as you will no longer he able to relate to them. This is normal for anyone in your position.

YouTube was a God Send to me in my own Trauma Recovery. Right now you have a lot of questions that you want the answers to. The problem with that is that the more answers you find, the more questions will be raised and then begins the obsession. This will take its toll on you but you will find the answers you are are ultimately looking for.

I have been there and 2 years on I am still recovering. Not so much because of the girl but because of the crap from childhood that these women dredge up from deep in the past. It is a Trauma Bond.
She came into your life to open up your old wounds so that you could properly heal from them. The beauty of this is that you can effectively put yourself together again while leaving out all unprocessed Trauma that would ultimately lead you into the Web of another one of these Black Widows.

That new guy will go through the same crap and probably end up on here too lol. She will never change but you can!

 

[Mikeman123]

hi guys,

thanks for the responses, i've already read everything on the net there is to read and watch on youtube, hours and hours and hours of actual bpd sites, forums, youtube videos i went through all of that in the first two weeks probably about 8 hours a day for two weeks, was the only thing that brought any peace, i completely get why she is the way she is and how which helped a bit, and i completely realize my codependent traits, the thing is i still want to be with her and i can't stop thinking about how amazing our life could have been from the idealization stage, it's killing me, i already have a therapist and have been going but he doesn't even want to see me anymore he said she is the one that needs therapy and he did agree i need to work on my codependency issues and core trauma childhood issues but that's not his speciality, plus Shari Scirber is $240/hour life fuk

even though everything i've read tells me she is bpd and my therapist says he's 90% plus sure and Shari thinks she is, when i read stuff that other people have posted or on sites it's like i'm reading about her, she has 8 of the 9 traits and childhood issues but my mind keeps on trying to convince me that it was my fault and that she's not bpd and that i'm trying to force that on her, i'm not good looking enough or fuk she had me so twisted and messed up i actually thought i was going crazy to the point where i started to believe her and thought maybe i was being controlling and manipulative and mentally abusive to her like she said at the end even though i know that's not who i am, until the therapist told me she was just projecting on me how she felt about herself

anyways all i know is i'm fuked cuz i could never ever commit suicide cuz of my beliefs so that's out which leaves me fuked cuz if God came down right now and gave me a choice to leave i'd be fukin gone in a heart beat i wouldn't even have to think about it, i don't even know why my life looks like without her, she was wearing a fake wedding ring for me, she asked me to ask her to marry her when we were having sex once and i did and she said yes and was calling herself my fiancé like i just don't get it, she was telling me to get ready for the wedding in a year and to start making a song to sing to her and to write vows, i've never ever ever wanted to marry a girl before and have kids with one and this is the first girl i ever felt that way about and i'm in my 30's :/

she had kids and i was already attached to her kids and she promised me she would never introduce anyone to her kids unless it was forever

i'm fukin devastated, purely and truly devastated, i can't even stop dreaming about her, it's taking everything inside of me not to reach out to her, i've been nc since the day she ended it with me and so has she and the fact that she has a new bf already, when i found out i actually threw up, i just don't understand how a human being can do and say all those things and then just one day bam done

and the worst part is in the month before she broke up with me i almost ended with her twice just cuz i couldn't take the hot and cold anymore and the pulling away and both times she begged and pleaded crying for an hour and holding me and telling me im the only man she ever wants to be with for the rest of her life and i saw her tears and felt her heart and i took her back both times and then two weeks later she breaks up with me over a fight we had about her crazy ex who was being mentally abusive to her kids and i got in a fight with her trying to protect them and she would never ever put healthy boundaries inbetween her and her ex and it was affecting the kids and she would let her ex husband treat her like **** and walk all over her and i couldn't fuking take it anymore, so i make a stand and yah i blew up at her yelling and asking her how she could not put boundaries in place and she snapped on me, broke up with me the next day, blamed everything on me, said she should have never stayed with me this long and that there's only so much abusibe behaviour a girl can take and i've passed the line, in my head i'm like wtf just happened i've been taking abuse from her constantly and then i stand up for her and for myself and for her kids and i get broken up with for it, mine was even harder cuz she was the waif type so she never got mean and yelled and attacked me it was always pulling her emotions away to punish me or being cold after a romantic long weekend and making love for 4 hours, i'm just so fuking confused

sometimes i honestly feel my only way out is to go back to her and beg and be back with her and if she truly is bpd then let her just keep ****ing me up until i actually just die physically, and other days i get so fuking pissed cuz of everything i did for her and how amazing i was to her and she told me over and over and over i was the best thing that ever happened to her and she could never live without me and didn't even know how to live her life without me, she sent me pics of journal entries saying how i have shown her true love and out fire in her soul and shown her a love she always knew existed but could never find, her whole room was done up with things she made about me and her and paintings and cards and memories, so like i said sometimes get so pissed because of how amazing i was to her and everything i did for her and how she just bailed on me after me trying so hard to make it work and always forgiving her

she said she waited 30 years of her life to find someone like me, and then she just gives up on it
and says we aren't meant to be and that someone will come into both of our lives and we will realize why this wasn't meant to be

i'm so fuking destroyed

 

[Mikeman123]

please guys i just need to talk to someone on the phone, i just need someone who had been through it and knows how the idealization feels and then how it feels to be discarded in a heart beat, can one of u guys please just let me talk to u...