bootcamp

[dreamlover]

I discovered this list yesterday but that already seems like a long time ago... The way I found it is interesting - I typed the following words into Google:"wuss wimp fear rejection mother". Third item on the list was the post titled "Be A Man", by Pook. I found this article very powerful and transformative - congratulations Pook, whoever you are!

I am very keen to do the bootcamp but I'm finding myself hugely resistant. I had a practice run today and noticed a few things when i attempt to initiate eye contact with strangers:

1) my face tightens up
2) my eyes open wide
3) I get REALLY tense
4) my stomach feels weird
5) my movements feel jerky
6) I perspire even though I'm cold
7) my neck becomes stiff

In a nutshell I feel like frankenstein's monster.

I find it particularly difficult to actively break into someones's flow and grab their attention just for the purpose of saying hello - as if I'm not "worth it" - a typical AFC attitude (or worse). The thought process goes something like "what do I have to offer that is worth interrupting their idle daydream?". I find the stiff neck thing particularly irritating because it hampers my ability to turn sideways and say hello, (for example at the traffic lights or in a cafe). Its not so bad when you are walking towards someone and smile head-on, but then you just keep walking don't you?

I am probably exaggerating the importance of these subjective feelings but they've been with me a long time (I am over 40) and I definitely want to ditch them... not before time eh ?

I think possibly I will have to just accept this robot-frankenstein feeling and do it anyway...

When I do meet a woman (as i did recently) I quickly fall into the classic AFC try-to-please-them behaviour which has proved so fruitless in the past... However I want to point out that some women will actively seek out and even (especially) have kids with wussy men... (I have a son, but she left - with him). It's just that they don't treat the wuss-husband with a great deal of respect and he ends up pretty unhappy ... and eventually they split up anyway. In retrospect I think those girls that reject the AFC man straight away are MUCH kinder than the ones who use his failed masculinity as a crutch for their own egos.

One other thing I wanted to say is that this hangup about engaging with strangers (whether m or f) seems a to be a very modern, very "western" cultural trait. I spent alot of time in southeast asia while growing up and I know that over there people automatically make eye contact and smile and greet strangers. It has no special meaning, but it is a genuine offer of friendship. For example, as you pass someone in the street you would naturally say hello, this could possibly develop into a conversation or not. The outcome doesn't matter, the point is that people acknowledge each other. Admittedly that was 25 years ago - and not in big cities - things may have changed now.

Does anyone know what friendlyness factor is these days in big Asian cities - whether people smile and say hello to strangers etc?

In Sydney, where I live, it feels very taboo to smile at a stranger - 90% of people just don't do it unless the situation culturally "allows" - eg when drunk, on new year's eve, at a party etc. Of the 10% who allow themselves to do it I would say at least half are senior citizens. Of the remaining %5 about half are trying to sell something or ask for something. Of the remaining 2.5% about half have some kind of mental problem...

I would like to be part of the other 1.25%... especially when the object of my attention is a gorgeous young woman ... but I am still pretty remedial ... wish me luck!

 

[juanstepatatime]

Originally posted by dreamlover
I am very keen to do the bootcamp but I'm finding myself hugely resistant. I had a practice run today and noticed a few things when i attempt to initiate eye contact with strangers:

1) my face tightens up
2) my eyes open wide
3) I get REALLY tense
4) my stomach feels weird
5) my movements feel jerky
6) I perspire even though I'm cold
7) my neck becomes stiff

In a nutshell I feel like frankenstein's monster.

I think possibly I will have to just accept this robot-frankenstein feeling and do it anyway...

The AFC in you is scared of being kicked out of your body. That's why it makes up all this stuff to make you stop what you're doing. Just do it anyway, and the AFC will start to melt away and make room for the DJ. (The DJ will be happy to be there, and will make you feel good instead.)

Being in a scary, unfamiliar situation causes natural fight-or-flight reactions in your body. Force yourself to do it anyway and you should find that each time you try this stuff it'll get easier and easier.

Originally posted by dreamlover
I would like to be part of the other 1.25%... especially when the object of my attention is a gorgeous young woman ... but I am still pretty remedial ... wish me luck!

Good luck!

 

[FratAndDiddy]

it takes practice bro
western culture nowadays has made strangers out of neighbors

 

[Walden]

Killer , you're not weird by being friendly to people.
In small towns it is perfectly appropriate to smile and confidently say hi to people as you pass them. It's normal. Relax. Many cultures it's appropriate to greet strangers when you pass them (brazilians , Fijians , Italians , Military people, Russians, Tongans , Finns) in all of these culures being friendly and outgoing is normal. The reason it's mostly old people who smile at strangers is cos intil very recently , in our culture it was appropriate to be friendly to strangers.

Why not pretend that you're from a culture where being outgoing is normal.

 

[dreamlover]

Why not pretend that you're from a culture where being outgoing is normal.

I've decided after practicing some more that you really do need to be selective about who you smile at... for example you wouldn't give a big friendly smile to chain wielding skin heads with tatooes...

In small towns it is natural to be friendly and smile etc, because there are less unknowns and therefore less danger. Same if you are invited to a friend's party, you'll smile at strangers because in some way they're connected to you and its safe. But walking down the street in big cities it feels unnatural, because there are so many unknowns, and potential dangers. Country bumpkins usually don't stay bumpkinish for long, they adapt to the urban style, as do people from more communal cultures who emigrate to the West.

So, I don't know if pretending I'm from somewhere else is really the answer, but thanks for the interest... It seems to be more about breaking out of a submissive conforming style of interaction towards a proactive assertive mode which takes a few risks (but is sensitive to situations also)?