Being told I'm a player because I'm "too nice"

[timble9]

I would describe myself as a late bloomer, I was a stereotypical "nice guy" up until I was around 28 - pedestalized women, got over-invested too quickly etc. and had only slept with 3 women up until this point. I'm now 31 and feel like I'm a completely different person - I've got a great social circle, hobbies, well paying job and am a lot more confident in myself and who I am, but am just looking to play the field and have fun.

Subsequently I'm doing better with women than I ever have, but have recently been told by some close female friends that I have a bad reputation of being a player because I'm "too nice". I'm always up front with my intentions BEFORE I sleep with a girl - I'll tell them I'm not looking for anything serious and have now even started making the point of telling them that if they think they're going to change my mind about it over time, it won't happen and we shouldn't have sex to begin with. I prefer to have friends with benefits where I'm happy to hang out with the girl - watch movies, go to the beach etc. but I don't get attached and remind them frequently that its casual.

On several occasions this year they have said that they're fine with that, but after a few weeks to a month I get the inkling that they want more from me, broach the conversation again and they admit they thought we were heading towards a relationship and I have to cut things off. They then start telling people that I lead them on, played them or whatever, despite me telling them the whole time that I wasn't looking for anything serious.

My female friends have told me that this generally happens because I'm a decent guy and don't treat women like ****, they get feelings for me, think can change my mind and end up getting hurt. Subsequently these same friends tell me that I'm the last person they would ever want to introduce any of their friends to because I'd break their hearts.

How am I suppose to navigate this, I thought by being up front with my intentions I would be able to have casual relationships without consequences. But it seems like I have a worse reputation than the guys who just pump and dump these girls and ghost them.

 

[Gamisch]

Sounds like you are a typical "relationship material type of guy".

Imo you aint doing anything wrong, and I especially respect the fact you're wiling to be upfront. Yet, as you see, women will ALWAYS think they can lock you down. Sex isn't THAT important to women.

Lets just say that "typical " player behavior comes with certain traits. A woman might respect it more when you are a obvious straight up azzhole rather than a chameleon who gives them HOPE and confuses them.

The female equivalent could be a nice, shy girl who seemingly displays wifey qualities, but when you get to know her she is a huge slvt.

 

[Hamurabimbi]

I too am a Nice Guy. I’ve been told that several timrs. However. I look like a ‘pervy pornstar’ and a guy who ‘fvcks a lot’. So my ‘Player’ vibe is based on what I look like. Not how I act.

 

[Dr.Suave]

Make them sign a piece of paper at the beginning "I understand that this is just casual fling. If I want more down the line, I will not whine like a little b1tch and accusse timble9 of leading me on, playing me, or whatever despite the fact that he told me the whole time its nothing serious."

You are welcome

 

[The Duke]

Female friends always have agendas. They will rarely ever be honest with you.

Keep doing what your are doing and being honest. Regardless of what you tell a girl, she will still get attached and develop feelings. That's on them. Not you.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

There is nothing to navigate. You are doing great. Women want what they want. Regardless of what they say, watch what they do. If they are still fvcking you and going out with you then there is nothing to worry about.

What they are telling you is actually really good, btw.

Many women love a challenge and some will go out with you just to see if they can be the one to change your mind and get some sort of chick power amongst their friend group.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

I do think some guys occupy a weird niche, and it's hard to say what a hybrid "nice guy" (or lets just say, empathetic, self-aware, concerned about others) and "fvckboy" (let's say attractive and aloof) even looks like, or how viable it truly is. Surely some women will like that mix of desirable traits, while others may simply misinterpret it because they're used to putting men into neat categories and aren't able to understand your intentions. Worse, even if you tell them your intentions, women usually refuse to believe that men say what they mean.

 

[Gypsypie]

Subsequently I'm doing better with women than I ever have, but have recently been told by some close female friends that I have a bad reputation of being a player because I'm "too nice". I'm always up front with my intentions BEFORE I sleep with a girl - I'll tell them I'm not looking for anything serious

They ignored the red flag because they fancied you.

I prefer to have friends with benefits where I'm happy to hang out with the girl - watch movies, go to the beach etc.

They convince themselves that they are special, you aren't just having sex with them and you must realise how well you get on together. Then they see you getting on just as well and doing the same things with other women and that's why they will say you are a player. They see you making other women feel special so they're just one on a conveyor belt, which to women is a player. Plus when a woman feels bitter she will run you down to anyone, especially to put other women off.

A lot of men lie at the beginning with a woman. They will say whatever they think you want to hear until you've had sex and then start showing the truth so a lot of women aren't listening much at the beginning, they're just watching the actions and making their own assumptions and reading what they want with rose coloured specs

How am I suppose to navigate this, I thought by being up front with my intentions I would be able to have casual relationships without consequences.

Not possible. Unless you specifically find a woman who is only looking for a **** buddy. Or someone who's already in a relationship looking for fun.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Maybe most people do not have this point of reference but in the men's self-improvement arena, there is a writer called Dr. Glover. He wrote a marginally successful book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy."

"Nice Guy" in this context is not actually a nice guy; it's someone with covert contracts and a lot of other stuff. I would think since the book is probably more than a decade old, most people you come across do not use the term that way.

Anyway, it's worth a read for men - I can't entirely agree with about 5-10% of the ideology but the rest is solid.

 

[NoFear]

“Nice guy” may be what is coming from their mouths but what they are really thinking is “ f&u&c&kboy “, “ starboy”, etc..
Women hipocrisy at its finest.
Their social brain is telling them they dont like what you do but they feel attracted to it nevertheless so they backrationalise it because they find you attractive.
You could stomp on a kitten and they would still find ways to dress you up nicely and make excuses and change language accordingly to “ still give you a chance “