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Being single

Trump

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I just am wondering if it’s unhealthy to be this way. I started dating a year after my divorce and trying all kinds of relationship dynamics. But overall i really just want to be single and have a part time BF. But men don’t seem down for that. I date older men generally. The two BFs that are my age (39) both want way more than I do. Not kids but moving in and the whole deal.
As long as he agrees, it all good.

Older men seek companionship and intimacy, they generally don't care about sex as much as the younger guys do. No 22 year old is going to ask his 21 year old girlfriend to "move in" and "fully commit", but he will want sex asap, while older guys need the closeness and togetherness to make the relaitonship work.

Tell your 2 boyfriends to come to Sosuave. This site will straighten them out in no time!

"Don't be a beta bvtch and commit. NEVER get married. NEVER commit. Don't be like the professionals and doctors and lawyers and CEOs and directors and actors and politicians and Princes of the world, who get married and have children. Be an average 9-5 worker and be single forever. Spin plates for life!"
 

ChristopherColumbus

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What are your thoughts on desiring to be, and staying, single? Is it unhealthy? I am struggling with this recently forcing myself to date. And also struggling with keeping these relationships at a certain level as i guess it’s human nature to want more and deeper relationships. But it’s not what I want and i end up pushing my relationships away. For the record i am dating 4 guys, two have been for a about a year, one for 2 years on and off (and i keep pushing him away) and one a few months. Others have also come and gone.

Thanks for any opinions or insights.
Dating as in casual sex? C'mon, either be single or get into a meaningful relationship.

I knew a girl that was dating a colleague of mine for a few months. He moved on, she promptly found a new partner, and was all too eager to introduce me to her new partner... as if there were some shame in being 'single', as if to cover up that she might have felt a little rejected. And lo and behold, a few weeks later she introduces me to her next new partner [yuck]. I said to her, you know it's OK to be single for a while... and she whined back at me, 'but I'm a woman....'
 
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ChristopherColumbus

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And I have a sister sadly with the same sort of behavior. Her life is just littered with a whole series of broken relationships one after the other. It's like you think you're in control, and then you realize you're not. Sexuality can fast turn into addiction. A person with an addiction is not free to make the best decisions in life. Most people are addicted one way or another, it's become the 'norm'.

I think you're thoughts of becoming single for a period of time are highly commendable. It may enable you to gain some self-mastery, and be in a better position to wisely choose at a later date.
 

ChristopherColumbus

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Oh no, I do love at least one of the men I am seeing. And I am loyal in that I stick to whatever we have agreed upon. I have strong affection for the others. I just think that moving in or even having more time with any of them will make me miserable because i like being single so much. I can’t figure this all out.
You want to have your cake and eat it to. Basically I think you're addicted to sex, and don't want a relationship. Between a rock and a hard place.
 

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ChristopherColumbus

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I can see there’s no real conversation here to be had. Making assumptions and comparing apples to oranges.

Since i am pretty sure you two won’t look it up and don’t know what i mean:

Fallacy of relative privation (also known as "appeal to worse problems" or "not as bad as") – dismissing an argument or complaint due to the existence of more important problems in the world, regardless of whether those problems bear relevance to the initial argument.

Both of you act more like a female than a lot of females in the way you discuss. Am surprised as i thought the forum was better.

I wasn’t asking “what to do”. i was asking for opinions of whether it’s healthy or not. Obviously i am going to do what i prefer so saying “just do it” is not relevant advice or opinion. That was the point of my question. And you know, discussion.

Back on track though, yes, they should move along if i don’t provide them what they want. I have done it for them many times because they do hold on and out. I have found that men in poly or open relationships at least have a somewhat similar philosophy but they are hard to come by.
Oh boy, I see you got everything well down and rationalized.;)

Ideology/ rationalism is the ultimate addiction... it gives the ego the illusion of power.
 

ChristopherColumbus

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Wow thanks a lot! I think i have been excessively over analyzing this for a while now. Great remainder and exactly what I needed to hear! Really appreciate your time and words.
The conflict you have is between your desires and your rational self. This is why you're confused. If you 'embrace your desires', you'll only further embrace them in order to obliterate the rumblings of your intelligent better self. This typically doesn't end well, as you'll just pour further fuel on your addiction.
 

ChristopherColumbus

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i don’t think so. i don’t regret anything, even things i should. i am good at justifying things so that i don’t regret anything. maybe i am scared of being trapped in another LTR though where i lose my life somewhat. i think i’m being overly selfish now for that reason. which isn’t great either. :(
This is exactly what came to mind when reading your posts.

I'd suggest a crash course in ethical development. :)
 

RickTheToad

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What are your thoughts on desiring to be, and staying, single? Is it unhealthy? I am struggling with this recently forcing myself to date. And also struggling with keeping these relationships at a certain level as i guess it’s human nature to want more and deeper relationships. But it’s not what I want and i end up pushing my relationships away. For the record i am dating 4 guys, two have been for a about a year, one for 2 years on and off (and i keep pushing him away) and one a few months. Others have also come and gone.

Thanks for any opinions or insights.
Most people, after some time, do not want to continuously play the field. IIRC, you are 39. Do you plan to continue playing the field forever? What types of men are these? I can understand a man putting up with this for a short time, but for the long term... Why?

All people need to ask themselves what's the end game? What do YOU want out of your personal life? Yes, at 39, if a person is healthy and takes care of themselves, they can play the field for many years. And, if that is what you want, continue to do so. However, if a person plays too long, they may find themselves out of options...

The question you need to ask yourself is very simple. What do you want out of your own personal life? Do you just want different partners? Do you eventually want one partner? There is no right or wrong answer. It's ultimately what you want. People do change, and that can have an effect too.
 

Medina

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I wasn’t asking “what to do”. i was asking for opinions of whether it’s healthy or not.
And I gave you the answer - "Freedom without discipline, is degeneracy"

On a serious note you're choice in men must be quite poor

Every woman will submit under the right conditions

Society calls it "love" and that's fine but it won't happen unless female respects male

My wife started our relationship by saying she would never housewife

That didn't quite work out. And I didn't force her to do anything

It just happens naturally when feminine is feminine and masculine is masculine

Yes granted, some women are a tougher nut to crack, independent etc

But that's why they fanatize about Christian Grey and very powerful men

So again, you must be dating men of low value to feel this way

My point about the past is spot on, women couldn't survive on their own

So love, respect and submission was much easier
 

ChristopherColumbus

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Problem is the feminine and masculine attributes are not absolute. Both sexes have the potential [per-version/ through-turn] to develop that minor attribute they have, whether feminine or masculine, into the dominant one. The OP may have quite a 'masculine' character, which reveals itself in the abstraction/ justification/ intellectualization side of things.
 

zekko

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Some women just don't want commitment. I know a women in her 50s, she's been single her entire life, and has never wanted a relationship. I don't think she has ever even had a steady boyfriend even. There is one guy who has been FWBs with her for like 30 years. She goes out and does things with other guys - to my eyes she prefers it to be platonic but not always.

Why? I'm not sure. Maybe she's just very independent, or maybe she fears commitment?

I don't remember her ever spending time with a female. She's pretty hot, so she probably likes how guys will do things for her (which they do).
 

SeekerOfTheWay

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Dating as in casual sex? C'mon, either be single or get into a meaningful relationship.

I knew a girl that was dating a colleague of mine for a few months. He moved on, she promptly found a new partner, and was all too eager to introduce me to her new partner... as if there were some shame in being 'single', as if to cover up that she might have felt a little rejected. And lo and behold, a few weeks later she introduces me to her next new partner [yuck]. I said to her, you know it's OK to be single for a while... and she whined back at me, 'but I'm a woman....'
No, not casual sex. Two i am in LTRs with. Dates, weekends, help each other, etc. Two are more friends with benefits in that we don’t as many relationships things like trips and i wouldn’t take care of them after a surgery for example. The other two I would, and have.
 

SeekerOfTheWay

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Most people, after some time, do not want to continuously play the field. IIRC, you are 39. Do you plan to continue playing the field forever? What types of men are these? I can understand a man putting up with this for a short time, but for the long term... Why?

All people need to ask themselves what's the end game? What do YOU want out of your personal life? Yes, at 39, if a person is healthy and takes care of themselves, they can play the field for many years. And, if that is what you want, continue to do so. However, if a person plays too long, they may find themselves out of options...

The question you need to ask yourself is very simple. What do you want out of your own personal life? Do you just want different partners? Do you eventually want one partner? There is no right or wrong answer. It's ultimately what you want. People do change, and that can have an effect too.
That’s the issue I think. I don’t quite know what I want. I know i don’t want what i already did which was a 20 year committed marriage. I like the idea of dating 1+ as long as they are okay with it and also don’t demand monogamy at this point. I never want to live with someone (i say never but of course i am just three years into being single) i don’t think. thats my conflict. i *think* long term and even am leaning towards it now, i don’t want a relationship. The one that actually works thr best for me is what you all would consider a high value man (i think). Though hes a bit older. He has a primary partner of 3 years. He had another GF too when i met him but she faded away and that made me number two by default. This relationship works the best for me because he splits his time between us and also travels for work (he also has “female friends” that he occasionally sleeps with). so i don’t know
 
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SeekerOfTheWay

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Problem is the feminine and masculine attributes are not absolute. Both sexes have the potential [per-version/ through-turn] to develop that minor attribute they have, whether feminine or masculine, into the dominant one. The OP may have quite a 'masculine' character, which reveals itself in the abstraction/ justification/ intellectualization side of things.
Maybe i do now, not sure. For 20 years i was the opposite. But honestly, my nature is feminine and submissive. One of my relationships that is part of our relationship. As in it’s understood and communicated. And i enjoy it. I really do enjoy the aspects and freedoms from not having a marriage or full time LTR though. So maybe you’re right.
 

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DelayedGratification

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That’s the issue I think. I don’t quite know what I want. I know i don’t want what i already did which was a 20 year committed marriage. I like the idea of dating 1+ as long as they are okay with it and also don’t demand monogamy at this point. I never want to live with someone (i say never but of course i am just three years into being single) i don’t think. thats my conflict. i *think* long term and even am leaning towards it now, i don’t want a relationship. The one that actually works thr best for me is what you all would consider a high value man (i think). Though hes a bit older. He has a primary partner of 3 years. He had another GF too when i met him but she faded away and that made me number two by default. This relationship works the best for me because he splits his time between us and also travels for work (he also has “female friends” that he occasionally sleeps with). so i don’t know
I think you found your answer earlier in the thread---which is simply reassurance and that it's ok to be off the beaten path, taking the journey on your own terms. Some posters are expressing their tunnel-vision based on where they are in their own journey, and much of that is either inapplicable or not helpful. I commend you for sticking around despite that.

My own situation bears some similarities to yours, so perhaps I can provide some validation to where you are and whether you believe you are moving in a healthy direction.

I'm a 18-months post-decree of a 20+ year marriage that was toxic from the start. But I was a zombie AFC paired up with a narcissistic woman who was on the spectrum towards BPD. We have two boys (budding adolescents now), and towards the end I was basically carrying the entire load. Between the physical, mental, and emotional burnout, coupled with individual therapy, I finally woke up.

So here I am, after a 20 year stint that had its rewarding moments but was mostly an exercise of me putting my own needs dead last and having no ability to set boundaries. Triaging your needs downward is a legitimate part of the bargain when being the parent, but not in a healthy relationship.

I am much better off now. We have an amicable 50/50 co-parenting arrangement, and so I find myself with a mix of "being single" in the way that you probably experience. But that is combined with the responsibilities of parenting, and rebuilding a career that took a hit during the divorce process.

Almost a year ago I met an attractive, high-quality (if on the younger side) poly woman. She has a primary GF, used to have a primary BF (his other primary was total BPD and my guess is he went MGTOW, throwing the baby out with the bath water in the process when he broke things off with all of his partners). Some might call us FWB but I see myself as a secondary. A monogamous offshoot in her poly community as it were.

She recently has been introduced into other poly communities, thus is finding new people to forge connections with and move beyond the social circles that her ex-BF inhabits. I'm very happy for her and this renewal of her spirit is very obvious when we get together now. In short, the strengthening of her other relationships serves to strengthen our own.

So our relationship consists of seeing each other about once a week, and every few months we manage to take a least a short trip somewhere. This is my "recharge" time and I guard it vigorously. Despite living very different lives, we get along effortlessly and I enjoy every minute we spend together. I do find sometimes that our time together seems too short. I occasionally fall into the trap of monogamous thinking and let my insecurities take hold when she talks of other people she's dating. It's pretty clear that this relationship, while clearly already LTR, is not forever.

But overall I am happy with this in my current phase of my life. I would have not imagined this being the path I would be on, but for the here and now it serves me well. I am getting much-needed companionship and a healthy personal connection. I have my freedom to tend to my responsibilities and have my own time. As challenging as it can be sometimes, watching her navigate her poly lifestyle has been a tremendous opportunity for my own personal growth. Poly, if done right, is not easy. It requires excellent relationship skills, and understanding of your own needs and the ability to set boundaries that work for you and each of your partners.

Apologies for the length, and this post could definitely use some editing, but I'm out of time for the moment. I hope I've managed to add another useful data point in your thought process.
 

ChristopherColumbus

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No, not casual sex. Two i am in LTRs with. Dates, weekends, help each other, etc. Two are more friends with benefits in that we don’t as many relationships things like trips and i wouldn’t take care of them after a surgery for example. The other two I would, and have.
So there are four men you are sleeping with... and that's not casual sex..... OK..... I guess this is the 'new normal'.:D
 

SeekerOfTheWay

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So there are four men you are sleeping with... and that's not casual sex..... OK..... I guess this is the 'new normal'.:D
I see casual sex as someone i am not in a committed relationship with. I think of this more as polyamory. But who knows.
 

RickTheToad

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After a while, these poly things become empty and just sex. If that is what anyone is after, might as not be in a relationship and call it what it it is.. Fvck buddies; and there is nothing wrong with that. However, you are still depending on another person for fulfillment. Yes, it's not a relationship per se, but you are still needing another person to fulfill a need or desire. As I said prior, this is okay in your teens - maybe 40's for the ladies, 50's for men (if they have $$$ and are in excellent shape). However, play the game too long and a person will find themselves up the river with no paddle in their mid 40's and above. Sex, prob. no problem. Anything more, little chance. I am not pro or against anything, just laying down the facts. I am not saying I'd go the relationship route either. However, what I am saying, is if you are looking for someone else to fill a void, need or desire, then that person will have a tough time later on.
 

ChristopherColumbus

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Wow, the acronyms and vocabulary on this thread is something else. I guess a kind of scientific jargon helps normalize it. lol
 
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